General Hospital Week in Review
I've decided that ABC needs to acquire the rights to air Wimbledon coverage, because if there's a soap that could use some preemption, it's General Hospital. For the ten-thousandth time in the last year or so, I ask: Why isn't this show better? This was one of those weeks that could have been really good (mostly because the mob action wasn't dominating every segment of every episode), but it was still...meh. I'm sure this scintillating and wit-filled opening has you eager to hear more of my in-depth thoughts about mediocrity, so please, read on.
Laura Wright's new haircut continues to be amazing (and a source of many, many Google hits to this site -- it's like the new Rachel), but they had to go and detract from it by having Carly wear yet another terrible top this week.
The color is actually nice on her, but it ends in exactly the wrong place, creates a terrible line across the top, and, while I realize it's hardly worth pointing out at this point -- it's kind of like saying "Sonny could benefit from being less of a dick" -- it could really, really have used a bra
I haven't seen that unsettling a profile since last year, when I was watching Hollywoodland and during a close-up Adrian Brody turned to the side.
(Side story: I went to save these photos in my GH folder and on the first the little box popped up and said "CarlyUglyTop14.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it?" I have photos of at least 14 of Carly's ugly tops saved on my hard drive. My poor, poor hard drive. Do you think it finds comfort in having fueled my online purchases of many cute shoes and handbags, as well as most everything they sell at Sephora?)
And because it was a week that appears on the calendar, Carly's offenses were not just sartorial. She was upset about Jason, the hitman/bail-jumper, being sent to a higher-security correctional facility, so she threatened the police commissioner. As you do.
Carly to Mac: I demand to see Jason. And if you send him to Pentonville, I’ll slap you with a lawsuit that will demote you to dogcatcher.
Yes, how dare you do your job, sir?! There will be widespread outrage in the legal system if this gets out!
This was reminiscent of when Carly threatened to sic Sam's show on the PCPD if the cops didn't break the rules to let her in to see Jason. Why am I as a viewer supposed to relate to Carly and feel sorry for the mobsters, again? I feel like I'm on crazy pills, but without any of the fun side effects.
Say what you will about this show (and if it's especially mean, say it to me), but the casting department is freaking brilliant.
I have two serious problems with this picture.
The first is Epiphany's scrubs. I frankly don't understand patterned scrubs unless one works in a pediatric ward, but that aside, the fact that these particular ones were designed, manufactured, and purchased personally offends me. (Speaking of Epiphany, I won't write about her "musicians are better than neurosurgeons" speech earlier this week, because "SO STUPID" and "HATE" repeated over and over again is not terribly entertaining. It was SO STUPID, though, and I do HATE that character and the writing for her.)
The second thing about the above picture is an even more personal problem for me, in that it reveals how very damaged I am. I have been trying to figure out who this guy playing random doctor dude who is going to be on Night Shift reminds me of, and seeing him in profile it finally clicked. I can't even bring myself to type it here, so I'll take the cowardly route and link to it.
Earlier this week, I emailed this thought to Promising Ingénue with accompanying photos and she responded thusly (and appropriately): "YOU ARE SO NOT RIGHT."
But hear me out! Don't shun me! I'm pretty sure it's just the hair. Because I looked the guy up, and his [stage] name is Dominic Rains, and he's hot when his hair is short!
So I guess what I'm saying is 1) this Dominic guy should cut his hair, and 2) I should really have my brain checked out and possibly also work on being a nicer person.
Why can't these two become, to borrow one of the more insipid US Weekly phrasings, gal pals?
Neither of them appears to have any other girlfriends, and they have stuff in common. Like that they're young, often poorly wardrobed, have lived in the Quartermaine mansion, totally have Tracy's number, and had sex with Dillon. Who is leaving town, a fact I'm oddly fine with. I liked Dillon a couple of years ago when he and Georgie first got together, but he's been mostly useless since just before the Monkey Virus/Minor Marrieds storylines.
I think I just put more thought into Dillon leaving town than the writers did.
This week, without a hint of irony or self-awareness, Sonny lectured:
- Kate about not having enough fun with life
- Carly about exposing their kids to a violent lifestyle, and
- Sam about lying
I just don't even know what to do with all that. Do the writers even watch this show?
So, Logan forcibly kissed another girl this week. And was kind of smarmy in general. But, here's the thing: I so don't care. Because the boy is hot.
Earlier this week Promising Ingénue summed things up well when she emailed me the following:
In GH news: I know that Logan has rage issues and gets inappropriately handsy, but I think he is brutally, brutally hot.
And I had a OMGWTF moment, because I had already started to draft this post and had referred to Logan as "brutally hot." This tells me that 1) we have been writing this blog together for long enough that the mind-meld has begun, and 2) we've both seen Clueless way too many times and now speak almost entirely in Cher-Horowitz-ese.
I even found him hot doing his sarcastic little drunken salute.
And I like that he brings out the spunkiness in Maxie, which Coop, regrettably (because he is so, so good-looking and that is way important) hasn't in months
...but I'm not going to talk about this anymore because if I do I'll have to look at that photo and ponder Kirsten Storms' arms. The hair extensions thankfully disappeared by the next episode, but the tiny limbs unfortunately continued their own disappearing act too.
Ms. Sneed is such a cartoon, she might as well be animated. Someone should tell this show that it has enough bad guys (you know, the mobsters currently masquerading as the good guys), and doesn't need to create new ones. Plus the Evil Hospital Administrator is a bit of a cliché, no? They're one step away from having her wear a "HMOS are the bestest!" t-shirt with a "patients be damned, rules are rules!" cap.
I assume she's basically just setting up how Patrick and Robin end up on the night shift, so I'll let it go. For now.
I don't know much about babies, but isn't it probably a bad idea for Liz to refer to Jason as "your daddy" to little Jake, who ostensibly will be raised with a different daddy? I think she should stop. Both for the good of the baby, and because no matter how lovely Becky Herbst is, I am going to start hating Liz if she keeps doing crap like this.
When is Lucky finally going to find out about Jake's real paternity? Pretty much everyone else in Port Charles knew like a year ago, and there are nomads in middle eastern deserts who have heard by now.
It's not enough that the writers have utterly destroyed the character of Samantha McCall. It's not enough that on Friday's show, when Sam showed up and berated Liz for being insufficiently grateful for Jason rescuing Jake from the kidnapper even though Sam knew the identity and location of from the moment the abduction happened but did absolutely nothing to help the baby or her fiancé, I realized that there are serial killers about whom I have fonder feelings than I do for the character of Ms. McCall.
No, that wasn't enough to load on poor Kelly Monaco this week.
Now, they've put her in leggings under a dress from Express circa 1988, if Express had had a maternity department. Leggings! In July! Black leggings! Under a terrible, tent-like dress! And this on the heels of the beehive and bell-bottomed white pants fiascos.
I think it's clear Kelly Monaco has repeatedly kicked the GH executives in the shins (I'm so jealous, Kel!) and has called all their children ugly.
It's official: I love Amelia. This week alone she exposed secrets whose secretiveness had been boring me for weeks if not months, and mocked Sam’s utter lack of professionalism. She needs to stick around. I'd prefer if when she was sticking around she had bangs, but I am willing to let that go if she remains in town and continues to call many of the denizens of Port Charles on their crap.
I also love Ned, who similarly comes to town and puts people's dirty laundry on display. Why isn't Wally Kurth on contract? And now that I see the names next to each other, how great would an Amelia/Ned pairing be?
I was going to rant about how the writing for Patrick and Robin has been crap, and how their relationship hasn't really moved forward in months, and how this makes me worried for their spin-off unless maybe the reason the GH writing is sucking is because Awesome Writer has been loaned out to Night Shift (I had an unusually optimistic moment), and how this whole "Noah and Patrick can't possibly operate on a guy who looks just like Noah" is totally stupid because unless I misunderstand brain surgery and/or was so distracted by Patrick Dempsey that I misinterpreted the many brain surgery scenes on Grey's Anatomy, they'll be working on the back of the guy's head, not staring at his face, but then I got to looking at screencaps for the week and I got distracted
I'm not sure by what
but I seriously lost my train of thought
and suddenly I could only think positive thoughts
and I remembered that Night Shift is going to be in the 11pm time slot on cable, and therefore the censors will probably be paying even less attention
and I realized all is right with the world and everything everywhere is okay, even on General Hospital.