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« Go Fug Yourself, Night Shift | Main | So Good and No Good »

July 14, 2007

GH: In Quotes

Not that I, like, read Us Weekly or anything, but from what I've, um, heard, the last handful of issues all have Jessica Simpson's new diet on the cover. Sure, they change the sentences up a little bit, like with "JESSICA'S WORKOUT ROUTINE" and "JESS'S NEW DIET RECIPES", but the general gist of it all is "JESSICA SIMPSON IS HOT AND THIS IS HOW SHE GOT HOT"?

I feel like "THIS SHOW SUCKS AND BLOWS" is my version of "JESSICA SIMPSON IS HOT AND THIS IS HOW SHE GOT HOT". Sure, I try to change it up with "A MOOSE SHOULD HAVE BOB GUZA'S JOB" or "ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING ME?", but what I am always saying, pretty much, is "THIS SHOW SUCKS AND BLOWS".

(Yes, I just compared myself to Us Weekly. Yes, I am embarrassed and ashamed)

This week in GH was like every other week in GH land: Awesome Writer got a couple of minutes to furiously write good dialogue and advance plots, but for the most part, it was crap.

I will let the writing staff's own words speak for themselves...

Officer: Take a seat and place your hands in front of you on the table. Your visitor will be in shortly.

Jason: Is it my lawyer?

Officer: No, your wife.

Carly: Jason. Hi!

I've never visited anybody in prison, but I have gone to such high-security places as the local library to get a library card. When I did this, I was required to provide ID. Who knew that all I needed to do was use someone else's marriage certificate as proof of identity?!

Logan: Not anymore. All of Sonny's employees are well paid, which is how I'll be taking you to Catacomb Club tomorrow night. It's 50 bucks a head, but I think you're worth it.

What the hell kind of club has a $50 cover charge?! Are the Mardi Gras beads they hand out made of platinum and rubies?


Sonny: And what I'm saying is I don't want you making me look vulnerable, especially making me look stupid.

I don't think you need Logan to help you in that department...


Lainey: Tar beach -- that's what we used to call the roof of our sorority house.

Stan: Oh. And then you all became capitalists and bought beaches of your own. Is that how it went down?

Stan: That you'd rather be down at the metro court eating overpriced food, drinking vintage wine, while the kitchen staff slave over their food for hours, while they get paid minimum wage and live below the poverty line.

I don't know what they were aiming for with the whole "Let's have Epiphany set up Lainey and Stan! They'll hate each other at first but sparks will eventually fly! And we can finally say that we give minority actors a story, even if it's only for a couple of minutes a month! High five!" thing, but I have some issues with it.

For starters, Lainey has an anti-personality. I'm sure Kent Masters King is a wonderful woman, but she brings absolutely nothing to the role. They could replace her in scenes with a Cabbage Patch doll holding a copy of the DSM IV, and the only reason I'd notice the change is because I'd wonder why Lainey all of a sudden seemed so life-like and adorable.

And, seriously, what the hell is with Stan? I know that this is a poor attempt at giving Stan layers, but couldn't they have made him a big sports fan or something? The writers obviously can't be trusted with any sort of philosophy.

I'd really like someone to ask Stan to explain how it's not okay for Lainey to be a psychologist (ignoring, for a moment, the fact that she sucks at it) because that means she's thumbing her nose at the working class, but it's totally okay for him to work for a mobster. A mobster who lives in complete and utter (if dark, depressing and hideous) luxury.



Jason: Look, I'm not in here because of Lucky, I'm in here because I'm being accused of murder, and for violating bail.

That scene actually happened, right? Where Jason was self-aware and said something that was reasonable? I didn't hallucinate it, did I?

This is a whole new experience for me. It's like I saw a leprechaun walking hand in hand with Sasquatch. Or Carly wearing a bra.


Alexis: At least Jerry loves his brother. And your unresolved hatred of yours --

Ric: Oh, come --

Alexis: Is virtually the reason for every unethical, amoral thing that you have ever done.

Ric: You were fully aware of my issues when you married me.

Alexis: And those are my issues.

Ric: Ok. You tolerated me long enough to have a child, didn't you?

Alexis: A child that you took from me in an acrimonious court battle.

Ric: Alexis, you had just gotten through a serious bout with cancer. I was starting to believe that you could spend a little bit more time with molly, and now this? This isn't going to do.

Alexis: Oh, no, you don't. You are going to call me an unfit mother now because I'm working again?

Ric: No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're working. It has to do with this specific client. How can you get involved with truly dangerous men --

Alexis: Hypocrite.

Ric: Like Jerry jacks?

Alexis: Hypocrite!

Scenes like this really make me feel terrible that Nancy Lee Grahn and Rick Hearst are on this show, that thoroughly does not deserve them and their talent, charm and chemistry.


Alexis: The two of you should not be let out alone without a babysitter


I really, really hate the Alexis/Carly/Jerry story.

I am still completely annoyed that Craig turned out to be Jerry. And I am even more annoyed that we're supposed to totally un-see what we watched in February when "Jerry" did things like deny Alan medical care while he had a heart attack, ignore the fact that Liz was in distress and, oh, right, SHOOT ROBIN AND GLEEFULLY WATCH PEOPLE PUT HER BACK TOGETHER WITH OFFICE SUPPLIES LIKE AN EPISODE OF FREAKING MACGYVER. So, what, he said it was all just a big misunderstanding and he'd never actually hurt anyone, and that's okay? That's enough for him to get the twinkly fun music of "Hee! A romance is going to bloom!" I completely object!

I hate that Alexis is turning into a goofball because of Jerry's "charms". It's never fun to watch Alexis go all high school because she has a crush on someone.

I hate that Carly is a shrieking, smirking monster about it. I mean, damn. I really like Laura Wright, but the smirk drives me up the wall.



Carly: I'm not trying to start at all-out war -- god knows that's the last thing we need right now -- but in the interest of f full disclosure -- and knowing how protective you are of your daughter -- I think someone should tell you.

Sonny: Tell me what?

Carly: Alexis has a crush on Jerry Jacks.

Just kill me. Put me out of my misery. I can't stand it. Carly is completely demented. Not to mention, how juvenile is the sentence "Alexis has a crush on Jerry Jacks"?! OMG, Carly, really? Did you see her playing MASH with their names? Did she sign his yearbook with a heart? OMG!

I mean, really, couldn't they have said "Alexis is attracted to Jerry Jacks"? Or "Alexis is spending too much time with Jerry Jacks?"

Carly: She wasn't in the lobby with us, ok, she didn't see how vicious he was. And to her, he's charming and he's seductive, and she is neurotic enough to fall for it. If you want to worry about someone, you worry about Alexis. Soon Kristina's going to be calling Jerry Jacks "daddy."

I seriously need them to stop this storyline before it makes me physically ill. I will need to invest in one of the stress relief balls that Sonny was using all throughout the argument with Carly. Which, fine: heh. Between this and the recent scene of him flipping through Couture, I was legitimately entertained by some of Sonny's scenes. Of course, I was actually entertained by the inatimate objects in said scenes and not Sonny himself, but you know, credit where credit is due.




Georgie: Ok. If you're going to do this, I need to make sure that you know how to do it right. Safety.

Spinelli: Wow. When did the loyal little sister learn how to wield a weapon?

Georgie: Uh -- um, my dad is the police commissioner, my mom worked as a P.I., So gun safety was kind of a fundamental in our house.

Spinelli: Right. Oh -- ok, well, in -- in that case, um, could -- could you teach the jackal, maybe, how to change the cartridge thingy?


I'm not made of stone, people. I thought Georgie and Spinelli were exceedingly cute together. If they could manage to get Spinelli to stop with the nicknaming and talk like a human being, I could be in favor of this coupling, mostly because I heart Georgie and I want her to get more screentime. Since the powers that be seem to love Spinelli, it makes sense that if they dated, she'd be onscreen every once in a while. So that could be good. And, yes, they were super cute together. And it totally makes sense that she knows how to use a gun. I find it hilarious that she and Robin are probably much tougher and better with weapons than half of the guys on Sonny's payroll.


Sonny: Diane!

Diane: You bellowed?

Sonny: Have I ever hit on you?

Diane: God, no.

Sonny: Would you like me to?

Diane: Huh?

Sonny: Have you had any interest in me other than being your client?

Diane: I'm sorry. Um -- ahem -- I would like to think I have a little more sense than that.


I love Diane. She's beautiful, she's quick with a quip and she's disgusted by the thought of being romantic with Sonny. If only the rest of Port Charles shared her repulsion: the town's population would be significantly lower.

Diane: I heard that a police detective from the PCPD was here to question you. Of course, I heard this when I was in the middle of trying on a stunning pair of burgundy sandals. I hate it when my shoe shopping is interrupted.

No, really, I LOVE her. I mean, I don't believe for a second that the sandals she was trying on were actually stunning, because I've seen what she wears and it's not so much with the stunning as it is with the 1987, but still. Love..


Yay for the return of Anna! Boo to the continuing lack of Robert. I especially, um, liked the explanation for his absence:

Anna: Oh, dad -- I don't know. He is so deep, deep, deep undercover. It has something to do with black market alien remains

Um, was that a Casey the Alien shoutout?

And who knew Anna was a crazy fangirl? Her total glee at seeing Eli Love was completely adorable.

Anna: There was a time that i saw every single one of your concerts -- the "Red Tide" tour, the "Which Way to Forever" tour, and that was right after you released the triple-disc retrospective -- that was brilliant! The first date was in San Francisco, huh, right? The last gig -- San Paolo. Ha.

Eli: That was a worldwide tour.

Anna: Yes! Well, I travel a lot for my work.

Adorable, stalkerish, either one.

And just judging by the names of those tours, it's pretty safe to say that Eli Love sucks.



Amelia: I've been digging into the glamorous world of a woman who seems unreasonably smitten with you. It turns out Kate Howard, queen of publishing and all things high fashion, is, in fact, Connie Falconeri of Bensonhurst.

I...I feel shocked. I really wish that the show had mentioned that before, because I was COMPLETELY blown away by hearing the sentence "Kate Howard is Connie Falconeri".



Jerry: By that logic, if I take you to bed, mommy dearest falls off-limits

No. Nonononono. No. A million times, no. How many times have we seen Sam be sexually violated in some way? Almost as many times as we've heard that Kate Howard is really Connie Falconeri from Bensonhurst. And it's going to lead to a craaazy misunderstanding with Carly, who of course walked in when Jerry forcibly kissed Sam! It's like an episode of Three's Company, except with more violence and hatred of women!

I had really been enjoying Sam and Alexis's scenes together. Including Alexis in a leather jacket!


I still think it's beyond dumb that they made Sam Alexis's daughter, but I find Kelly Monaco and Nancy Lee Grahn completely charming with each other. And I loved Sam's whole "It's real simple -- stay away from my mother, or I'll kill you".

I also (while wondering why they kept having Sam exercising and disliking the fact that they continually dress Kelly Monaco in as little clothing as possible) appreciated Kelly Monaco for providing me with a ton of inspiration to go to the gym.




Lucky: Are you in love with Jason?

As much as I'd love to believe that Lucky has finally gotten a clue (on his own, or slipped to him by Cameron), I know that Monday's episode will show that the full line was actually "Are you love with Jason...'s wardrobe choices? Because I will wear a leather jacket and grow my hair out if you want me to."


Promising Ingénue: HOLY--!!!--Wow.

So, how about that Josh Duhon, huh?


Yeah. Brutally hot.


It's funny. I actually did about a 30 minute workout right after that episode, thank you Kelly Monaco. I wonder if being in my 6th grade production of "The Hobbit" 9 years ago qualifies me for Dancing with the Stars - that'd get me in shape ;)

"Carly: Alexis has a crush on Jerry Jacks. "

I know I watched this scene, but reading the script really made me laugh. Oh gosh.

And I agree. Georgie and Spinelli were too cute. And Georgie made me smile, because she was a powerful female who knew how to use a gun when a male didn't. Oh, GH, welcome to the 21st century. Plus they were cute. And Lindze kept looking at the gun in Bradford's crotch - which made me giggle. I really hope we get a pairing out of them.

And Diane - she is so awesome. I love how mad she gets at both Sonny and Jason. Ha! And her and....Bernie?...were really funny too.

And yes, John Duhon. Brutally hot.
Anyone know if the tatoos are real?

This seemed (to me) to be a week of strong females and hot males. But perhaps that was just wishful thinking on my part.

Yes, Jason had a moment of self-awareness, you didn't imagine it. And he also managed to have some facial expression in this scene, not just his trademark blank look. I still think the Steve and Rebecca have some great onscreen chemistry and would like to see that explored, but I won't hold my breath.

I can't believe you cut off Diane's scene with Jason (and the burgundy sandals) before she said the best delivered line of the entire week:

Diane: I heard that a police detective from the PCPD was here to question you. Of course, I heard this when I was in the middle of trying on a stunning pair of burgundy sandals. I hate it when my shoe shopping is interrupted.

Jason: It wasn’t a cop. It was Elizabeth.

Diane: (Beat) Nope, not feeling better about it. What did MRS. SPENSER want?

Thank goodness for Tivo! I had to watch Diane say "Nope, not feeling better about it" a half dozen more times. What great delivery. I also appreciate the fact that she just flat out told Jason that he and Elizabeth are in love with each other and should just admit it. Of course, this is a soap and that won't happen. But, Diane is, as always, the voice of reason. I LOVE DIANE!

The other well delivered line this week belonged to Maxie when she and Coop came to help Lulu patch up the brutally hot Logan.

Maxie: Alright, so which one of you good Samaritans is going to clean him up and bandage him up so we can go? [to Lulu] Why the hell are you looking at me?

Maxie is just delightfully nasty. She still needs to eat, though, that's a given.

Kelly Monaco was Playboy Playmate of the Month April 1997 and you wonder why she is regularly clad in in as little clothing as possible -- are you kidding me?!?! Dear God, there were times she showed so much cleavage on "Everyday Heroes", I thought that the name of the show should be "Everyday Ho's." I am still waiting for the day that Kate discovers Sam and begs her to model lingerie or bathing suits for her fashion mag, requiring KM to walk around in skimpy outfits for countless episodes. Oh joy.

Georgie and Spinelli -- YES!! Anything to give Georgie more screen time -- and perhaps she and Lulu can be friends instead of Lulu seeking advice from -- Carly. Yuck. Lulu's Friday clothing choice seemed very Carly-inspired. Lulu, PLEASE! Stay out of Carly's closet!

I just FF through Lainey and Stan -- Lainey is a total waste of screen time. Two more potentially interesting characters that the GH writers don't know what to do with. It seems that the only characters they know how to write for are Sonny/Carly/Jason/Sam and everyone else is window dressing.

How sad. What a waste. If you are looking for good GH, just visit YouTube and search for old episodes. I rather enjoy Valentine's Day 2001...

Is this Awesome Writer's dialogue? I think it has to be:
Sonny: Diane!
Diane: You bellowed?
Sonny: Have I ever hit on you?
Diane: God, no.
Sonny: Would you like me to?
Diane: Huh?

"You bellowed?" I LOVE that! But why must they dress her so poorly? Can't she be attractively dressed and STILL NOT WANT SONNY?

And Anna: yes, she was adorable. But what is this b.s. about not being sure of Robin's birthday, etc.? I can't bear how they're rewriting Anna & Robert as ditzy parents. It's just not how it was.

God, those were the days, when women on GH were allowed to be beautiful, intelligent, and capable, AND to have actual careers. Alexis was the only one in recent memory at all like that, and though I thought they'd dragged her as low as they could with Dobson, now they're going to destroy her further with "crush" on Jerry. Just oy.

"They could replace her in scenes with a Cabbage Patch doll holding a copy of the DSM IV, and the only reason I'd notice the change is because I'd wonder why Lainey all of a sudden seemed so life-like and adorable."

That? Total spit-take. And I didn't even have any liquid in my mouth other than my own saliva!

" Lucky: Are you in love with Jason?

As much as I'd love to believe that Lucky has finally gotten a clue (on his own, or slipped to him by Cameron), I know that Monday's episode will show that the full line was actually "Are you love with Jason...'s wardrobe choices? Because I will wear a leather jacket and grow my hair out if you want me to."

Yes, it's very sad that Liz will totally (and tooooooootally convincingly *wink wink*) say no, and Lucky'll be all, "Okay! Now let me go back to being an asshole so you can "love" me some more!" *sigh* Though, I must admit, if he stayed away from the hair gel, I don't think I'd mind GV in longer hair and leather. Mmmmmm... leather...

I agree about Lainey and Stan - yes the actors had characters that had a thing on Port Charles, but I really have no interest in seeing take two on General Hospital. Is the show going to be bringing back anymore Port Charles Actors - because the only two I'm really interested in seeing are the two who need to come back to GH where they belong Lynn Herring and Jon Lindstrom - but then I guess if they brought Kevin back Lainey would be out of a job.

Diane is my new favorite character. I LOVE HER. I loved the choked laugh followed by the totally insincere "sorry". I loved the moment when Carly barged past Diane and Bernie, and the two of them bonded in their mutual disgust. And I love her with Jason.

I hate that Stan is such an ass. I miss dreadlocked!Stan. "I'm just too much of a rebel for you" -- PLEASE. You're not a rebel, you're a hypocritical holier-than-thou socialist making damn good money working for a mobster. SHUT UP STAN.

I'd love to see Sam working out every week until the end of time.

So, in an attempt to take one cap of Diane's facial expression in the aforementioned scene for an "I Love Diane!" icon reminicent of the image of Peter Bergman with hearts all around his face seen here. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just take one cap ... I think these speak for themselves:


Diane is the smartest person in Port Charles. If she and Kate can become BFF and Kate can start influencing her wardrobe choices -- she'll be unstopable!

Love Lainey and Stan. Hate the writing. I disagree that she doesn't have personality, but certainly vote for the hypocrisy of Stan working for a man who lives in luxury while he quotes Karl Marx.

This is stupid and I refuse to watch!

Awww...I'm so glad you liked G-Spin together. How cute were they?!

I'm coming to have a great deal of Diane love as well. No one else on the show calls Sonny and Jason out on their shyte as often or with as much snark.

I didn't want to like Alexis and Sam either but I do. Sigh.

Soooo glad Anna's back. Just wish we'd get to see her kick Jerry's arse while here!

I really enjoyed the G-spin scene even as a Spinlu fan. If you listen to eh dialog you could repace 'gun' with a part of the male anatomy. Makes the scene even funnier

OMG! "It's like I saw a leprechaun walking hand in hand with Sasquatch". is the funniest thing I've heard in a while. And while I do like the idea of Jerry/Alexis - I agree - too goofball and too fast. Loved Spin/Georgie and although Logan is hot- I much prefer him with Maxie.

Not just a leather jacket, Jason's leather jacket ;-)

Josh is a hottie but those tatoos? Ick.

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