GH: In Quotes
Not that I, like, read Us Weekly or anything, but from what I've, um, heard, the last handful of issues all have Jessica Simpson's new diet on the cover. Sure, they change the sentences up a little bit, like with "JESSICA'S WORKOUT ROUTINE" and "JESS'S NEW DIET RECIPES", but the general gist of it all is "JESSICA SIMPSON IS HOT AND THIS IS HOW SHE GOT HOT"?
I feel like "THIS SHOW SUCKS AND BLOWS" is my version of "JESSICA SIMPSON IS HOT AND THIS IS HOW SHE GOT HOT". Sure, I try to change it up with "A MOOSE SHOULD HAVE BOB GUZA'S JOB" or "ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING ME?", but what I am always saying, pretty much, is "THIS SHOW SUCKS AND BLOWS".
(Yes, I just compared myself to Us Weekly. Yes, I am embarrassed and ashamed)
This week in GH was like every other week in GH land: Awesome Writer got a couple of minutes to furiously write good dialogue and advance plots, but for the most part, it was crap.
I will let the writing staff's own words speak for themselves...
Officer: Take a seat and place your hands in front of you on the table. Your visitor will be in shortly.
Jason: Is it my lawyer?
Officer: No, your wife.
Carly: Jason. Hi!
I've never visited anybody in prison, but I have gone to such high-security places as the local library to get a library card. When I did this, I was required to provide ID. Who knew that all I needed to do was use someone else's marriage certificate as proof of identity?!
Logan: Not anymore. All of Sonny's employees are well paid, which is how I'll be taking you to Catacomb Club tomorrow night. It's 50 bucks a head, but I think you're worth it.
What the hell kind of club has a $50 cover charge?! Are the Mardi Gras beads they hand out made of platinum and rubies?
Sonny: And what I'm saying is I don't want you making me look vulnerable, especially making me look stupid.
Lainey: Tar beach -- that's what we used to call the roof of our sorority house.
Stan: Oh. And then you all became capitalists and bought beaches of your own. Is that how it went down?
Stan: That you'd rather be down at the metro court eating overpriced food, drinking vintage wine, while the kitchen staff slave over their food for hours, while they get paid minimum wage and live below the poverty line.
I don't know what they were aiming for with the whole "Let's have Epiphany set up Lainey and Stan! They'll hate each other at first but sparks will eventually fly! And we can finally say that we give minority actors a story, even if it's only for a couple of minutes a month! High five!" thing, but I have some issues with it.
For starters, Lainey has an anti-personality. I'm sure Kent Masters King is a wonderful woman, but she brings absolutely nothing to the role. They could replace her in scenes with a Cabbage Patch doll holding a copy of the DSM IV, and the only reason I'd notice the change is because I'd wonder why Lainey all of a sudden seemed so life-like and adorable.
And, seriously, what the hell is with Stan? I know that this is a poor attempt at giving Stan layers, but couldn't they have made him a big sports fan or something? The writers obviously can't be trusted with any sort of philosophy.
I'd really like someone to ask Stan to explain how it's not okay for Lainey to be a psychologist (ignoring, for a moment, the fact that she sucks at it) because that means she's thumbing her nose at the working class, but it's totally okay for him to work for a mobster. A mobster who lives in complete and utter (if dark, depressing and hideous) luxury.
Jason: Look, I'm not in here because of Lucky, I'm in here because I'm being accused of murder, and for violating bail.
That scene actually happened, right? Where Jason was self-aware and said something that was reasonable? I didn't hallucinate it, did I?
This is a whole new experience for me. It's like I saw a leprechaun walking hand in hand with Sasquatch. Or Carly wearing a bra.
Alexis: At least Jerry loves his brother. And your unresolved hatred of yours --
Ric: Oh, come --
Alexis: Is virtually the reason for every unethical, amoral thing that you have ever done.
Ric: You were fully aware of my issues when you married me.
Alexis: And those are my issues.
Ric: Ok. You tolerated me long enough to have a child, didn't you?
Alexis: A child that you took from me in an acrimonious court battle.
Ric: Alexis, you had just gotten through a serious bout with cancer. I was starting to believe that you could spend a little bit more time with molly, and now this? This isn't going to do.
Alexis: Oh, no, you don't. You are going to call me an unfit mother now because I'm working again?
Ric: No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're working. It has to do with this specific client. How can you get involved with truly dangerous men --
Ric: Like Jerry jacks?
Scenes like this really make me feel terrible that Nancy Lee Grahn and Rick Hearst are on this show, that thoroughly does not deserve them and their talent, charm and chemistry.
Alexis: The two of you should not be let out alone without a babysitter
I really, really hate the Alexis/Carly/Jerry story.
I am still completely annoyed that Craig turned out to be Jerry. And I am even more annoyed that we're supposed to totally un-see what we watched in February when "Jerry" did things like deny Alan medical care while he had a heart attack, ignore the fact that Liz was in distress and, oh, right, SHOOT ROBIN AND GLEEFULLY WATCH PEOPLE PUT HER BACK TOGETHER WITH OFFICE SUPPLIES LIKE AN EPISODE OF FREAKING MACGYVER. So, what, he said it was all just a big misunderstanding and he'd never actually hurt anyone, and that's okay? That's enough for him to get the twinkly fun music of "Hee! A romance is going to bloom!" I completely object!
I hate that Alexis is turning into a goofball because of Jerry's "charms". It's never fun to watch Alexis go all high school because she has a crush on someone.
I hate that Carly is a shrieking, smirking monster about it. I mean, damn. I really like Laura Wright, but the smirk drives me up the wall.
Carly: I'm not trying to start at all-out war -- god knows that's the last thing we need right now -- but in the interest of f full disclosure -- and knowing how protective you are of your daughter -- I think someone should tell you.
Sonny: Tell me what?
Carly: Alexis has a crush on Jerry Jacks.
Just kill me. Put me out of my misery. I can't stand it. Carly is completely demented. Not to mention, how juvenile is the sentence "Alexis has a crush on Jerry Jacks"?! OMG, Carly, really? Did you see her playing MASH with their names? Did she sign his yearbook with a heart? OMG!
I mean, really, couldn't they have said "Alexis is attracted to Jerry Jacks"? Or "Alexis is spending too much time with Jerry Jacks?"
Carly: She wasn't in the lobby with us, ok, she didn't see how vicious he was. And to her, he's charming and he's seductive, and she is neurotic enough to fall for it. If you want to worry about someone, you worry about Alexis. Soon Kristina's going to be calling Jerry Jacks "daddy."
I seriously need them to stop this storyline before it makes me physically ill. I will need to invest in one of the stress relief balls that Sonny was using all throughout the argument with Carly. Which, fine: heh. Between this and the recent scene of him flipping through Couture, I was legitimately entertained by some of Sonny's scenes. Of course, I was actually entertained by the inatimate objects in said scenes and not Sonny himself, but you know, credit where credit is due.
Georgie: Ok. If you're going to do this, I need to make sure that you know how to do it right. Safety.
Spinelli: Wow. When did the loyal little sister learn how to wield a weapon?
Georgie: Uh -- um, my dad is the police commissioner, my mom worked as a P.I., So gun safety was kind of a fundamental in our house.
Spinelli: Right. Oh -- ok, well, in -- in that case, um, could -- could you teach the jackal, maybe, how to change the cartridge thingy?
I'm not made of stone, people. I thought Georgie and Spinelli were exceedingly cute together. If they could manage to get Spinelli to stop with the nicknaming and talk like a human being, I could be in favor of this coupling, mostly because I heart Georgie and I want her to get more screentime. Since the powers that be seem to love Spinelli, it makes sense that if they dated, she'd be onscreen every once in a while. So that could be good. And, yes, they were super cute together. And it totally makes sense that she knows how to use a gun. I find it hilarious that she and Robin are probably much tougher and better with weapons than half of the guys on Sonny's payroll.
Diane: You bellowed?
Sonny: Have I ever hit on you?
Diane: God, no.
Sonny: Would you like me to?
Sonny: Have you had any interest in me other than being your client?
Diane: I'm sorry. Um -- ahem -- I would like to think I have a little more sense than that.
I love Diane. She's beautiful, she's quick with a quip and she's disgusted by the thought of being romantic with Sonny. If only the rest of Port Charles shared her repulsion: the town's population would be significantly lower.
Diane: I heard that a police detective from the PCPD was here to question you. Of course, I heard this when I was in the middle of trying on a stunning pair of burgundy sandals. I hate it when my shoe shopping is interrupted.
No, really, I LOVE her. I mean, I don't believe for a second that the sandals she was trying on were actually stunning, because I've seen what she wears and it's not so much with the stunning as it is with the 1987, but still. Love..
Yay for the return of Anna! Boo to the continuing lack of Robert. I especially, um, liked the explanation for his absence:
Anna: Oh, dad -- I don't know. He is so deep, deep, deep undercover. It has something to do with black market alien remains
Um, was that a Casey the Alien shoutout?
And who knew Anna was a crazy fangirl? Her total glee at seeing Eli Love was completely adorable.
Anna: There was a time that i saw every single one of your concerts -- the "Red Tide" tour, the "Which Way to Forever" tour, and that was right after you released the triple-disc retrospective -- that was brilliant! The first date was in San Francisco, huh, right? The last gig -- San Paolo. Ha.
Eli: That was a worldwide tour.
Anna: Yes! Well, I travel a lot for my work.
Adorable, stalkerish, either one.
And just judging by the names of those tours, it's pretty safe to say that Eli Love sucks.
Amelia: I've been digging into the glamorous world of a woman who seems unreasonably smitten with you. It turns out Kate Howard, queen of publishing and all things high fashion, is, in fact, Connie Falconeri of Bensonhurst.
I...I feel shocked. I really wish that the show had mentioned that before, because I was COMPLETELY blown away by hearing the sentence "Kate Howard is Connie Falconeri".
STOP IT. JUST STOP IT.
Jerry: By that logic, if I take you to bed, mommy dearest falls off-limits
No. Nonononono. No. A million times, no. How many times have we seen Sam be sexually violated in some way? Almost as many times as we've heard that Kate Howard is really Connie Falconeri from Bensonhurst. And it's going to lead to a craaazy misunderstanding with Carly, who of course walked in when Jerry forcibly kissed Sam! It's like an episode of Three's Company, except with more violence and hatred of women!
I had really been enjoying Sam and Alexis's scenes together. Including Alexis in a leather jacket!
I still think it's beyond dumb that they made Sam Alexis's daughter, but I find Kelly Monaco and Nancy Lee Grahn completely charming with each other. And I loved Sam's whole "It's real simple -- stay away from my mother, or I'll kill you".
I also (while wondering why they kept having Sam exercising and disliking the fact that they continually dress Kelly Monaco in as little clothing as possible) appreciated Kelly Monaco for providing me with a ton of inspiration to go to the gym.
Lucky: Are you in love with Jason?
As much as I'd love to believe that Lucky has finally gotten a clue (on his own, or slipped to him by Cameron), I know that Monday's episode will show that the full line was actually "Are you love with Jason...'s wardrobe choices? Because I will wear a leather jacket and grow my hair out if you want me to."
Promising Ingénue: HOLY--!!!--Wow.
So, how about that Josh Duhon, huh?
Yeah. Brutally hot.