Serial Drama

So Good and No Good

I've been wondering why, if certain storylines on Days of Our Lives can be so stellar, the entire show as a whole is not excellent. Don't get me wrong, the majority of the show is great, but the parts that are bad are really, really bad.

I've come up with some theories

(a) Hogan Sheffer knows that loyal Days watchers are used to years of the show being totally dreadful. If he were to make the entire show excellent, it would be too much for us to bear and we could possibly get whiplash or motion sickness

(b) Since it's summer and the soaps are under the assumption that they need to feature the younger characters in order to make kids who are home for the summer watch. Since the DOOL younger characters suck, their storylines are going to suck

(c) Someone, somewhere, believes that the antics of Jett, Jeremy and Stephanie, and the implosion of Nick and Chelsea's relationship is quality entertainment

I am leaning towards one of the first two, because the last option is too depressing to even consider!

GH: In Quotes

Not that I, like, read Us Weekly or anything, but from what I've, um, heard, the last handful of issues all have Jessica Simpson's new diet on the cover. Sure, they change the sentences up a little bit, like with "JESSICA'S WORKOUT ROUTINE" and "JESS'S NEW DIET RECIPES", but the general gist of it all is "JESSICA SIMPSON IS HOT AND THIS IS HOW SHE GOT HOT"?

I feel like "THIS SHOW SUCKS AND BLOWS" is my version of "JESSICA SIMPSON IS HOT AND THIS IS HOW SHE GOT HOT". Sure, I try to change it up with "A MOOSE SHOULD HAVE BOB GUZA'S JOB" or "ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING ME?", but what I am always saying, pretty much, is "THIS SHOW SUCKS AND BLOWS".

(Yes, I just compared myself to Us Weekly. Yes, I am embarrassed and ashamed)

This week in GH was like every other week in GH land: Awesome Writer got a couple of minutes to furiously write good dialogue and advance plots, but for the most part, it was crap.

I will let the writing staff's own words speak for themselves...

Officer: Take a seat and place your hands in front of you on the table. Your visitor will be in shortly.

Jason: Is it my lawyer?

Officer: No, your wife.

Carly: Jason. Hi!

I've never visited anybody in prison, but I have gone to such high-security places as the local library to get a library card. When I did this, I was required to provide ID. Who knew that all I needed to do was use someone else's marriage certificate as proof of identity?!

Go Fug Yourself, Night Shift

Jessica at GFY explores one of the 57 things that bug me about that Night Shift ad that has been everywhere for the last two months:  Fug the Ad: Night Shift: General Hospital: Could I Have Any More Colons in This Headline?  I hadn't thought of the Jennifer Love Hewitt comparison, but it is spot-on.  And sad, of course.

Other irksome aspects:

1. Jason Thompson's scowl (though he's hotly scowling, so there's that)
2. Kimberly McCullough's blank/bitter model-y stare (you have your own show, sweetie, cheer up!)
3. that Steve Burton is on it
4. Steve Burton's hair
5. the size of Steve Burton's neck
6. that Kimberly McCullough is shirtless but Jason Thompson is not

Night Shift Episode 1: Frayed Anatomies

I will let Jason Thompson hotly do the honor of introducing the pilot episode of General Hospital: Night Shift.

Night Shift is, of course, a hospital-based spinoff of a show named after a hospital that does not ever mention the hospital. The same characters are on both shows, but their situations on each might be totally different. Hypothetically, a show-hogging character could be in prison on one show and in the midst of the action on another. Because, you know, that's how the GH folks roll.

You might remember that we had a rollercoaster of emotions about the news: WTF? EEEE! WTF? I've finally decided that I am firmly in the EEEE! camp right now. Not solely because of rumors that the late night time slot gives them the opportunity for racier scenes. Mostly because of that, but not solely because of it.

Previously on the OG GH, Robin and Patrick were punished for (hotly) performing surgery on an uninsured patient and sentenced the night shift by the uptight and possibly Evil Dr. Ford, two random doctors were clumsily introduced to viewers, and three pink scrubbed (student?) nurses were sent to the night shift earlier by Epiphany for...something that I don't remember, because I can't stand listening to Epiphany. That leads us to...

Soap I Don't Watch #3: The Young and the Restless

My uneducated peek at the "best" daytime has to offer continues with the third show from SoapNet's Daytime Emmy Dramarama marathon, The Young and the Restless.  I knew almost nothing about this show until I met Promising Ingénue, other than that it had been at the top of the ratings for eons.  PI had such a low opinion of the writing that I thought either 1) millions of Americans must be wrong to watch it so faithfully, or 2) she might be a bit soft in the head.  I think you can guess towards which option I was leaning.  But after watching this episode, I think she might be right!  She was definitely right about Peter Bergman, who is downright dreamy.  Also dreamy, and super intellectual (always what we strive for around here), is the pro and con format I used for the Guiding Light and The Bold and the Beautiful reviews.  Shall we see how Y&R fares using it? 

Actually, I'll spare you the suspense.  This is the first of the Soaps I Don't Watch so far that I am totally perplexed as to how it got nominated for Best Drama (at least based on this episode).  And it won?!  (Well, tied?)  Bizarre.  Maybe all the naysayers are right and the genre really is circling the drain.  On that happy note, on to my hypercritical look at daytime's best and most popular, a show about the youthful and/or energetic among us (if we were all better looking and more dramatic)...

(Apologies in advance for the lack of screencaps; technical difficulties abounded.)

I Am So Easily Manipulated

This effing show!

I hate it. I hatehatehate it.

I hate how Greenlee has morphed from self-centered yet fabulous to completely deranged because she can't have Ryan.

I hate how we're supposed to think it's sweet that Jonathan is cute and cuddly with his new girlfriend, the identical sister of his autistic, virginal, teenaged ex-wife.

I hate the fact that Krystal actually asked Adam why he was sad while he watched the baptism of the child that he thought was his for months and months because of her lies.

I hate the completely juvenile Erica/Jack/Barbara story that wouldn't be out of place on Two and a Half Men.

I hate Babe.

ME: I'm done. I am soooo done with this show.

ALL MY CHILDREN: Oh, yeah? Let's see you resist clips of Jenny Gardner.

ME: ...

ALL MY CHILDREN: Or how about having baby Jenny's baptism on the anniversary of the Martin family adopting Tad?

ME: Sniff.

ALL MY CHILDREN: Ha! Are you crying?!

ME: No! I just have something in my eye.

ALL MY CHILDREN: Uh huh. See you tomorrow!

ME: ...damn it.

(Yesterday's) Dumbest Dialogue

During Cane and Katherine's awkward "I think I may have married a skank ho, grandmother. Do you find that Amber is sleazy? What do you think of her?" conversation at Indigo, Katherine said the usual "Vivacious...energetic..." and then:

KATHERINE: She's a throwback to Marilyn Monroe

O...kay. "A throwback" to the dark days of 1985, sure. "A throwback" to the groupies on tour with Motley Crue, sure. But Marilyn Monroe, Kay? WTF?

90210: Season 1, Episode 2

Greetings, soap lovers! Your old friend Lancer back, with a heartfelt apology for the delay between posts. Your intrepid hero was off on a 2-week search for Andrea Zuckerman's relevance. Finding nothing (but not for lack of trying), he has returned with a renewed sense of optimism, spirit, and joie de vivre (for those who do not speak French, 'joie de vivre' roughly translates to 'James Eckhouse's bald spot'). Anyway, good to be back, and let's get right to it!

The Word of the Day: Awesome

AWESOME WRITER & KELLY MONACO = OTP

I am thinking that during their evening of cocktails together that Awesome Writer felt it only fair, when one considers the damage done to her character, that Sam be allowed to get off a couple of good zingers.

Because really, when Sonny and Carly attempt to treat Sam like crap? I am with her when she asks, "WTF, bitch?"

Is it hypocritical for a witness to a babynapping to call people out on their sins? Sure. But is it FREAKING FANTASTIC when it's Sonny and Carly who are getting called out on their sins? Oh, yeah. Majorly.

When Carly wanted out of your marriage, you took her kids. You didn't let her see Michael and Morgan. If I did happen to watch Jake being kidnapped, it was a moment of weakness compared to what you did to Carly and the months of deliberate lies from Jason.

Oh. It just -- it must be wonderful to be one of the chosen few. You and Jason and Carly, your tight little circle, gets to sanctimoniously decide what's best for everyone else, who we get to love and how much. You get to do whatever you want, we're just supposed to take it. And god forbid, Sonny, god forbid if one of us have the gall to act out in hurt or frustration -- you'd beat us with the consequences and tell us we had it coming. I am "not" falling in line anymore.

You can't stand it, can you -- that any woman might intrude on what you consider your turf? Well, guess what, Carly -- Jason's not yours. He's not your husband, he's not your lover. He hasn't wanted you in a sexual way in years and probably never will, so suck it up and get out of my house.

I think I need a cigarette...

I'm so desperate for someone, ANYONE, to call the Trinity out on the myriad ways in which they suck as human beings and if it has to be a lying, thieving, witness to babynapping, shrieking, crying, irrational, heroic...ish, baby obsessed, poorly coiffed, selfish, hysterical, possibly alcoholic, stepdad screwing mob moll, so be it. FIGHT THE POWER, SAM!

The 2nd most awesome person on today's episode was Jane Elliot. Jane Elliot, who is 60 years old, wore no makeup today. And looked gorgeous. Why do some people have all the luck?

Eli Love: Awesome or Awesomely Bad? I can't tell. Well, I'm leaning towards "awesomely bad", but I'm along for the ride.

In other awesome news, the credits were finally updated!

!!!

!!!

Ohmigod, you guys. Remember in our first Soap Opera Digest column when I said "I love soap operas. I always have, I always will, unless one of them names an unspeakably awful character after me (and even then, I’d probably be secretly pleased about it)"??

And now Days introduces a tertiary character named Father Mallory? Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO.

Okay, so there's a chance it is entirely coincidental. Sure, they might have chosen that name randomly. Perhaps they were watching Family Ties on DVD during a writer's meeting. Or maybe they chose the name because it means "one who is unlucky", meaning that something bad is going to happen soon. Both are entirely possible, if un-fun. As a devoted lover of the fun, though, I am sticking to the shout out theory, because I can, damn it.

I was so excited by the introduction of Father Mallory that I was like, "The entire episode is awesome. The end!" without even thinking. But it turns out that it was, actually, mostly awesome.

Mostly...