General Hospital Week in Review
I really resent it when the only two soaps I watch have incredibly slow weeks simultaneously. So last week with Days and GH, I have to say, I was a bit miffed. Where is my yin and yang? Why is nobody thinking of me?
My resentment-fueled grumpiness cannot be taken out directly on the GH writing team (though I'm still in the market for some good voodoo dolls), so I will take the round-about way and just refuse to discuss the stories that the "writers" inexplicably find fascinating and worthy of consuming the entire show.
Therefore I will not discuss the stupid trial that everyone who has ever watched this show before knows full well isn't going to end with Jason convicted of the crime he actually committed. (Although the whole “hypothetically” conversation between Jason and Diane on Friday was oddly amusing, for a conversation about murder for hire.) And I won't discuss Carly and Jerry's adventures in a hotel room we're supposed to believe is in South America. (Confession: I probably would have addressed the latter, but this week Carly was remarkably free of heinous tops, appeared to be wearing a bra, and didn't unjustifiably yell at anyone. So I had nothing to work with, because I don't like to stretch.)
The winner of best hair makeover goes to . . .
Amelia Joffe. I know, I can't believe it either! She looks spectacular. I think this is my dream cut and style. And it's absolutely ideal for Annie Wersching. Not that she wasn't pretty before, but she looks gorgeous now. I would totally print this screencap out and take it into my stylist, but that would really put me firmly on the wrong side of the Soap Crazy line. And clearly I don't want to be there.
(I will probably still do it.)
Logan continued to be brutally hot for most of the week. He was super charming on his and Lulu's first date. He made s'mores! Hot guy + s'mores over a campfire = dreamy.
He did the adorable boyfriend-ish stuff for Lulu's birthday . . .
. . . including giving her a charm bracelet. (Note to men everywhere: I know you think these are the perfect jewelry gift, and we say we think they're adorable, but we mean in the "on a three-year-old with Disney character charms" or "on my grandmother with a charm for each of her kids and grandkids.") Still, thoughtful gift.
But I must balance all that out with the fact that his tattoos profoundly disturbed the hotness. And he perplexingly tried to get permission from Tracy to date Lulu.
Lulu the adult. Tracy the only-recent stepmother. Bizarre. But it meant we got to see Tracy, so I'll let it go.
And, gosh, I'm sure there was something else that was less than brutally hot this week.
What was it?
Oh, right, he almost had sex with Lulu's worst enemy.
These things happen!
And truth be told, even this was a little hot.
I'm conflicted about this. Well, first, I'm confused. Did I completely imagine an earlier scene between Logan and Maxie in which they called off The Deal? Regardless, I thought the pacing of Logan and Lulu's relationship was way too warp speed, and I think they need to overcome some soapy hurdles since the writers stupidly revealed Logan's paternity in .5 seconds thereby depriving the audience of a great spawn-of-mortal-enemies-unknowingly-fall-in-love story. And I think Maxie and Coop needed to do something interesting, because the only time I've thought anything other than "goddamn, he's gorgeous" or "goddamn, she's skinny" during their scenes over the last few months was during their entertaining handcuff-sex-related scenes on Night Shift, but we all know that that alternate universe doesn't exist here so DO NOT DISCUSS IT.
Anyway, we'll see where this goes. It seems completely out of character for Logan, who really seemed to develop genuine feelings for Lulu over the last few weeks in particular, but maybe the writers will handle all that well and whip up a really vintage-y great soap quadrangle out of this. I know, I know. I'll stop now.
Rick Springfield and Finola Hughes have great chemistry.
At some point maybe this whole rock-star-as-sex-symbol thing might catch on. It has potential. And Patrick hotly summed up Anna's appeal:
Patrick: . . . [Noah] gets to reinvent himself, rediscover his adolescence . . . if you will. And you mom is a perfect companion for this. She’s intelligent, she’s adventurous, and you know, let’s face it, she’s ridiculously hot.
But said summing up was to Anna's daughter, so . . . ick.
Also icky was Noah yelling in the middle of the hospital, in front of his son and his son's girlfriend, that he was having "mind-blowing, headboard-banging sex!" with his son's girlfriend's mom. Inappropriate! Also inappropriate? Patrick and Robin discussing their sex life in front of other people at work, and asking Epiphany for her input. Where the hell else have these people ever worked that any of that would be okay? And have they never had a conversation with Epiphany before?
On a more serious note, Noah falling off the wagon was pretty heartbreaking.
And from this scene with Patrick, I gather (because I can decode the layered subtlety that the GH writers employ) that Noah is going to hurt or kill a patient while operating drunk, at some point.
I feel like this could be a good storyline, given the character's history on the show and his ties to a popular couple, but it would have to be written really well to not seem Disease of the Week-y and boring. And, well, you know where I'm going with this . . .
As for Patrick and Robin, sans parents, I really don't think it's asking so much for them to have more than three different conversations, ever. The writers have just started repeating the same banter/bickering over and over again, spinning the Wheel o' Pissiness to determine the subject of the bantickering. This whole lather, rinse, repeat thing is tiresome and becoming difficult to watch, and I say that as someone who really likes this pairing.
Side note #1: Kimberly McCullough's bangs look 50 times better when they're straight.
I am totally willing to suspend disbelief and accept that a busy doctor would have time to flat-iron her hair every morning, in the name of prettiness.
Side note #2: This week, Patrick used the phrase "making love." As I may have mentioned, this is my least favorite phrase in soaps, and one that normal human beings never use. I'm going to need to collect my thoughts on this issue and possibly post separately to address the serious problem of otherwise cool, non-80-year-old characters using those words. I may also reconsider the "hotly" qualifier, at least temporarily. It's really that serious a problem.
Liz: Ric reminded the jury that I slept with Jason and lied to my husband about it, which made me a biased if not hostile witness. There, have you heard enough?
Lucky: I wish. It's getting around town.
Ha! Yeah, because we wouldn't want that closely-held secret to get out. Poor, dim, paternity-deprived Lucky.
Can you be arrested for having horrible taste in men?
Felony bad judgment, perhaps?
Kate continues to make Sonny tolerable, but for me the thing with both Sonny and Jason is that I don't want them to get into any more relationships with strong and interesting women whom they will ultimately ruin. I don't want them to get what they want, basically. I want them to fall for the women of their dreams, who then reject them unless they stop, you know, KILLING PEOPLE FOR A LIVING. This show cannot continue to have unrepentant mobsters as its romantic leads. It just can't. So I really hope Kate isn't the next offering at Sonny's alter, but I'm not holding out much hope. I'm teetering on this soapbox in these heels, so I'll get down now.
Random aside; this was hilarious:
Clarice to Kate: You poor thing! You had unscripted children. It must have been torture for you.
This also made me laugh (inserted here because I refuse to give Sonny his own section):
Sonny to Spinelli: And none of that stuff about grasshoppers, or cyberspace, whatever you talk.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I totally agree with Sonny! I probably wouldn't have used the rather fuggeddaboudit-esque "whatever you talk," but I'm with him on the concept.
I really know very little about how soaps are written. With multiple writers, how do they assign out who writes which scenes? Because whoever wrote the scene with Alexis walking in on Sonny, Kate, and Morgan this week doesn't know anything about Alexis.
When Alexis made the comment about how wonderful Kate is and how it's a shame she doesn't have children, I about died. Are you kidding me? Alexis would never say that. Ever. She would never basically define another woman's completeness by whether the woman had kids. Jeez. Watch the show, idiots.
Clearly the comment was a setup for a "reveal." Given Kate's obvious and disturbing reaction to the (out of line) comment, clearly she has a kid somewhere. Since the kid can't be Sonny's (because they never had sex -- you wrote that, writers! I saw it! no take-backs!), I say it should be Jax's. And we know this show always gives me what I want.
Oh, Sam. What the hell is going on with this character? She crows about how she dumped Jason and how glad she is about it, but then she goes to prison to yell at him about Elizabeth. Again.
Stop it, Sam.
Then she tells Lucky how she's known about the one night stand since it happened, and she's clearly on the verge of telling Lucky about Jake's paternity.
Stop it, Sam.
Then she berated Elizabeth. Again.
Stop, it Sam.
Then she hung out with Liz's husband behind her back, and played with Liz's baby.
Dude. Stop it, Sam.
She lurked outside Liz and Lucky's house like the paparazzi.
Stop it, Sam.
And she's totally going to throw herself at Lucky, five minutes after she broke up with Jason and Lucky found out about Liz's infidelity.
Stop it, Sam.
These two could be hot together, but at some point could the writers please grasp even a corner of the page of the soap writers' manual called PACING? This is ridiculous.
Also, I know that Lucky is, how should I say, not a big shareholder in intellect stock, but why the hell is he suddenly BFF with the woman who let his son be kidnapped? It was just a few weeks ago!
And I like that Sam is saying it like it is, to myriad characters deserving of a bit of neck-swiveling, finger-pointing what for, but she is just not the one to do it. I can't root for her after all she's done. At least not yet.
Speaking of not rooting for people: Liz. Damn, girl. This about killed me:
Liz to Jason: Look, I know you don’t do this very well, but for once, try to be selfish.
Yeah, when he murders people? It's so altruistic! Stop it, Liz.
This show is so messed up.