General Hospital Week in Review
Watching TV this week, I experienced a range of emotions. Delight, bewilderment, shock, anger, anticipation, and satisfaction. Unfortunately for General Hospital -- I'm sure you saw this coming -- none of that was in relation to the goings-on in Port Charles. A quick rundown:
Delight: At finding My Boys, one of the funniest sitcoms on the air. (Dude who plays Brendan, you must call me.)
Bewilderment: 1) That anyone thought Scott Baio should get a reality show; 2) That I am TiVo'ing it; and 3) That a guy I used to date shares so many personality characteristics with Scott Baio and that yet I managed not to kill him while he slept.
Shock: At how witty The Office is, and at the fact that nobody made me watch it until now.
Anger: At how crappy Rescue Me has become.
Anticipation: Of the So You Think You Can Dance finale.
Satisfaction: That I predicted the So You Think You Can Dance top two correctly , and that Cat Deeley wore a crazy-ass dress and a milkmaid braid for the big event.
Disgust and fatigue, though, GH owned those. Woohoo. Go show.
So the trial that ate this show finally ended on Thursday. Thank god. I'm not going to expend any more effort on it than I already have. What's most important is that Jason is back, running free
wearing a black t-shirt, sporting terrible hair, staring expressionless with cold eyes, endangering the people who care about him just by existing. GH's consistency is oddly beautiful, isn't it?
"So, can I ask you a question? A few, actually? Does this brown color and my foundation combine to make me look like I have consumption, and would that explain why this dress looks like it was designed in the 1890s? Also, would this hair look too matronly on even a woman who was actually born during that decade?"
"Yeah, I thought so. The bitches who run this show hate me."
So, about this "Kate gets arrested" storyline that is so obviously just a way for Sonny the mobster to -- stop me if you've heard this before! -- come out the hero by rescuing a damsel in distress. UGH. I know I've said from the beginning that I knew Kate was going to end up with Sonny, stripped of all her interesting qualities; I guess I was just hoping it would take a bit longer.
This whole hit-and-run thing is so stupid and poorly thought out.
First of all, why would someone like Kate -- pathologically concerned
both with protecting her image and ensuring nobody finds out that she's Connie -- risk everything over a minor car accident? She said she wasn't drunk, and she clearly can afford to fix the damage even if she doesn't have insurance, which I'm sure someone in her position does. So why wouldn't she have stopped? Particularly when
she has a prior offense so she knows what can happen if she gets
caught? Second of all, how is it that there a hundred paparazzi following her around (necessitating the unoriginal but still somewhat amusing Dress Up as a Hooker scene), and the charges are public, but somehow her real name has been kept out of all of it? What?
But why am I even talking about Kate? The point of this storyline is to try to redeem Sonny. Just like they're trying to do with Ric. And Jerry. And Sam. You know, writers, if you created less odious characters, you'd have a lot less of this bullshit backfilling to do.
Anyway, apparently I'm not supposed to roll my eyes fully back into my head when I watch Sonny say stuff like:
Sonny: [I]f you keep up this holier than thou attitude, thinking that, you know, people owe you special treatment because you're so much better than them, It's gonna come back and bite ya.
Sonny: I'm about to teach you a lesson on humility and respect.
I actually preferred the drugged-out sex.
And Kate -- an otherwise upstanding member of society, with countless contacts in the community and a very public job running a well-know magazine -- doesn't get bail, but gets released into the custody of SONNY?! The mob kingpin? Who routinely orders his hitman to kill people, including an incident for which the hitman is currently on trial in that same building? WTF is wrong with this show?! Oh, and this:
Kate: Sonny is . . . he's un-spin-able.
Oh sweetie, just ask the writers. They can spin the hell out of Sonny.
Whatever. I'm sure somehow her hair will get her out of this predicament.
After the Trial That I'm Not Going To Talk About Again, Ever, In Order to Preserve My Sanity, Ric actually did some pretty impressive truth-telling, to both Sam and Sonny. But I'm sorry, I can't cheer for him. Ric is not a good messenger. I can't be on his side. He's done too much, without redemption. And as much as he tells off Sonny, the reality is that he's so enamored of his brother that if Sonny legitimately asked Ric back into the organization, he'd squeal like a schoolgirl. So no cookies for you, show.
Something really weird happened this week. Carly wore three consecutive outfits that were not hideous. Is GH's wardrobe department trying to shut us down?!
I don't think she looks fabulous, and that's an awful lot of gray, but whoa, what an improvement. (And please note that in the first and third ones, she's taken our bra advice to heart. Yay! They grow up so fast.)
Laura Wright's pose in that first screencap kind of makes me want to expand the definition of what an expression is, just so it can take its rightful place in the Hall of Fame.
So, this week Logan didn't seem too sorry that he kissed his best friend's girlfriend . . .
. . . and continued to weirdly infantilize Lulu by asking her stepmother's family for permission to date her . . .
. . . and made perfectly clear that he is still following through with the disgusting bet to get Lulu to sleep with him . . .
. . . and yet
. . . yep, still brutally hot.
I know the writers seem to hate Scotty, but do the showrunners also dislike Kin Shriner? Like, do they refuse to let him use a dressing room and hair and makeup, and force him to sleep on a park bench?
In addition to the several hair-related issues, that see-through shirt/undershirt/gold chain combo is giving me hives.
Jane Elliot's hair, however, continues to amaze.
I will try to get past the ridiculousness of the possibility that HIV-positive Robin, whom the show has taken great pains (really, those PSA-type scenes were painful to watch) to say uses every possible precaution including THREE FORMS of birth control, would accidentally get pregnant. And I will try to get past Robin, a doctor, screaming "I think I might be pregnant" in the middle of her workplace. If I can do both those things, I'd say that her and Patrick's reactions were pretty realistic, and I think there are good possibilities for where this story (Robin wanting a baby) could go.
Patrick being hotly befuddled at Robin's reaction to his reaction was probably the high point:
I like that on regular GH we can still routinely use the "hotly" qualifier, since on that other show he's such a dick.
I really need help understanding this Jax storyline.
You know what our viewing audience really wants to see? One of the few non-mafia leading men we have left, beat to shit on several consecutive episodes.
Wait, there's more! I think the audience would also love if that leading man was repeatedly sexually violated by a batshit crazy woman.
What's that, Awesome Writer? No, the audience doesn't hate Jax. He's been popular for more than a decade -- which is weird, because he doesn't kill people or commit other crimes for a living -- and he recovered from that whole Spencer incident and really seemed to be emerging again as a good-guy lead that some people for some reason say we need on this show.
What do you mean, then why would the audience want to watch him be brutalized? Violence is hot, especially if it's sexual in nature. And Jerry's going to rescue Jax, and then voila! We have our Jerry redemption. It's win-win.
What? Why the hell would we have Jerry be the one brutalized? He's a mentally unstable criminal. And Irina would actually have a motivation to beat the snot out of him. God, sometimes you're so obtuse. This show is deep. Who hired you?
What is wrong with this show?!
Jerry: I watched Irina get shot in the head at point-blank range. It's not an injury you walk away from.
Maybe she was giving birth to the shooter's child. Then she would have been fine, and it would have been a sign of their True Love.
The Friday cliffhanger was a doozy, wasn't it? Liz, still stubbornly refusing to take off those Bad Idea Jeans, ran her married ass to the courthouse to celebrate her babydaddy's acquittal for the murder he totally did commit, and hugged him in front of a bazillion cameras. But wait, the romance didn't end there! Later that day, Jason and Liz, about to declare their love -- er, desire "to try" -- to each other, were shockingly interrupted by the most unbelievable mobsters ever. Who wanted to make perfectly clear to the audience -- in the most unsubtle way possible, by actually articulating those very words -- that being with Jason would endanger Liz and her kids.
Cameron's like, "Bitch, please. Did you seriously not see this coming? Also, when are we gonna stop going to this dangerous-ass park?"
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.