It's Getting to the Point Where I Miss Cricket
Cricket. Yeah, I said it. I'd take her back if it meant this show would get back to normal. I'd take her AND a whole harem of men who are devoted solely to loving her AND daily references to her awesomeness. I am that desperate.
Look: I already spend a good chunk of my day with talking to unpleasant people while they unpleasantly go about their days. It's called "my job". I don't want to watch my soap operas just to see more of the same unpleasantness! It's just SO BAD. There was a time when I didn't hate every single character populating Genoa City, but that ship sailed long ago. I mean, I still love Jack always and forever, but everyone else can pretty much suck it.
Oh, Phyllis. I expected more of you. I expected you to go down in a blaze of glory. What the hell kind of semi-sociopathic, kind of redeemed unhinged uberbitch gets caught nearly jumping bail because she's too dumb to properly hide the wig she's planning on using while she's on the run? Since when is Phyllis an idiot? I guess sexing up Nick isn't good for the old IQ, since his "duh" is contagious.
And how was she not struck dumb for having the audacity to speak to Paul like this?
Phyllis: Good job, detective. Are you here to watch my misery, or just see the free show?
Paul: Hello to you, too, Phyllis.
Phyllis: You're a bastard.
Paul: I've been called worse.
Phyllis: You think you're holier than thou, that people look up to you as some superhero?
Paul: Oh, yeah. Well, yet I am jealous of Superman. If only I could be that cool.
Phyllis: You're a son of a bitch.
First of all, leave Mary out of this, Red Menace. And secondly, just from a karmic standpoint, I try to make a habit of not getting self righteous with the man I once ran over and critically injured! That's just not wise.
And then her sickly sweet appeal to the judge! What the hell?!
Phyllis: This baby. And... you would do anything. You would--you would die for this little being. So I wanted to cradle my daughter in my arms, and I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away, judge. I would've done anything. Honestly... I... my heart is still with my daughter. It always will be. But... my husband... adores this little girl, and I couldn't take her away from him. I-I couldn't do that to him. I also have another child, and... I made some mistakes with him when he was little. But that's--I mean... an-anyway, running away with one child meant abandoning the other, and I-I couldn't do that. I... you know, even though they're grown, they're still your baby. Uh, when--when-- when my son was young, I was forced to abandon him... and I couldn't do that twice. I couldn't do that to him. So... um... almost doing something isn't like doing it. I came back, judge. I'm here. I'm responsible. I came back. That has to count for something.
It was like an impassioned speech Markie Post would make in a Lifetime movie. Michelle Stafford deserves to win next year's Emmy just for saying those lines without cackling like a lunatic.
That's enough, Brad.
You know what I do when things don't go my way?
- Interfere with my grown daughter's love life because I disapprove
- Run and tattle to the assistant district attorney when I learn that someone is planning to jump bail
- Get a horribly unflattering haircut and another round of botox
I hate Brad Carlton so much. It rivals my hatred of Spencer Pratt and Dawson Leery. I hate the fact that he's a smug douchebag. I hate the fact that we are in for yet another round of rehashing what happened in Brad's past, which means that he'll be onscreen every day for the rest of my life. I hate the fact that Don Diamont simply can't be bothered to emote anything other than "Smug" and "Smugger", and occasionally "confused".
Over my years of soap watching, I've come to terms with the fact that producers have their favorites, and that said favorites will get a lot of airtime. I just wish I understood what it was about Brad that inspires Lynn Marie Latham to write so many stories for him and shoehorn him into stories that he's not part of. Because from where I'm sitting, I see a gold-digging former poolboy with bad hair and a monotone. That doesn't exactly scream leading man to me.
Far be it from me to wish ill on a child, but...can we see a groundbreaking story about fifth grade bullying where we find Noah on the wrong end of a tough kid's fist? Please? I found myself wishing for the basketball to "slip" from Daniel's hands and hit Noah square in the face. And then I realized that I am a horrible person for hoping that a child gets injured. But then he started squawking about how awesome Phyllis is and I stopped caring.
She's been on the show for, like, four minutes and I am already over her. She doesn't exactly scream "assistant district attorney" as much as she screams "college sophomore who just got her first internship and is trying really hard to look professional, but she still dots her i's with hearts".
And am I supposed to believe that the story of her learning that Paul is her father is going to be good? I've seen this show before: neither one of them are Brad; Paul's on twice a month; LML has probably already forgotten that they are related. Their reunion will happen during a commercial break and will be poorly acted.
You could literally see the moment where she thought "You know, this American accent is way hard! Do you think anyone will notice if I just stop trying? I hope not!"
For all of the jokes I have made and will make about her accent, her incredible lack of acting ability and her ginormous noggin and fivehead, the worst part of firing Adrianne Leon and replacing her with Tammin is that I can no longer watch any Colleen/Adrian scenes without waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out of the woodwork and interrogate Adrian about why he's hanging out with an adolescent girl.
"Art history slides? That's what you call it?"