Serial Drama

Seriously, I Love This Kid

I'm going to just go on the record and say that Sam's scheme to hire goons to terrify Elizabeth was brilliant. BRILLIANT.

For starters, it's been ages since someone on this show had a revenge scheme that made any sort of sense. This was no "I'm going to make you famous and then threaten to take all of that fame away and embarrass you publicly! Or I would embarrass you publicly, if you had any sort of sense of shame whatsoever! So chew on that while you count your money tonight!", or "Since you meddling kids foiled my Metro Court hostage crisis, I'm going to force you to pretend to be dating!" it was deliciously evil and sort of insane. Please don't think that I condone paying someone to scare the crap out of a woman and her adorable sons because that's, you know, unhinged. But all things considered, this plan worked perfectly, which is more than you can say for any other Port Charles revenge seeker.

Secondly, it led to the delicious scene where Maxie confirmed her awesomeness by not worshiping Jason. When was the last time a female encountered Jason without immediately throwing herself at his feet, speaking in tongues and offering up her uterus to shooters? I honestly cannot recall. So the fact that Maxie was like, "You? Seriously? Whatev" made my day. Moments like that go a long way in making me forget the insipid Logan sex bet. More Jason hating and less cheating on Coop, please.

(But Kirsten Storms, should you be reading this: pleasepleaseplease have a piece of cheesecake. Or you can come over and I can make you an ice cream sundae, or eight. Because you're really terrifying me right now, and it's sad to see someone so pretty and so talented waste away. I am telling you this because I love you.)

Thirdly, it confirmed that Lucky is, in fact, a whole new brand of stupid. "Uh, so you never used to talk to me before and now I'm like your new best friend, and my wife, who you hate with a passion, was threatened by people looking for Jason, and you really hate my wife a whole lot and blame her for everything that's gone wrong in your life, and even though you scared these attackers away with a gun, now you're afraid that they're going to come after you and you need a bodyguard and you want it to be me? Well, golly gee, that sounds like a great idea to me! What could possibly go wrong?"

But perhaps most importantly, it confirmed that Cameron is the undisputed MVP of this show. He makes any episode instantly better. For those of you who missed this plot unfold, I will allow Cam to do the honors of recapping for you:

"So, my mom and I were playing in the dangerous-ass park when these guys came out of nowhere and were like--

'We're going to shoot you!' And my mom and I were like

'AHHHH!' and then the lady with the leathery skin who is always yelling and lurking in our bushes came and saved us. Now I want a grilled cheese sandwich."

Awkward!

As AMC continues to be so depressing that I've started staring longingly at lighthearted entertainment, like reruns of The Golden Girls or a copy of Jude the Obscure. In the face of all tragedy all the time, I often find my mind wandering and I ask myself questions...

• Why did Krystal, Tad and Adam never think to get a paternity test to determine who is actually Jenny's dad? All they have right now saying that the baby is Tad's is David's word, and David is a big fat life-ruining liar. Why did the writers never address that?
• Is Ava really supposed to be a model? Leven Rambin is a cute girl, but...seriously?
• How cool would it have been if the modeling agent/porn scam that Ava nearly got caught in before being saved by the sainted Babe included a cameo by Tyra Banks?! I mean, Nigel already made the trip to a soap, so it would have been entirely possible that Tyra and her hideous weavage could compassionately sit down and talk/imitate Oprah about the dangers of the modeling industry.
• Why is Ashlee Simpson?

The most pressing question came during Wednesday's episode, where two conversations vied for the "Biggest elephant in the corner" award.

(1)Cambias Family Ties

Many people yesterday noted the awkwardness of Zach's visit to Ethan's grave, and I have to agree. I understand that, you know, it was supposed to be sweet and the thought of an older brother being a guardian angel for his newborn brother is touching, but all I could think was "I need you to look after Ian for me. He's your little brother. His mother is your ex-girlfriend, actually. And incidentally, she slept with my brother ages ago, and my brother wound up raping her sister and fathering her niece. This is all before my father came back from the dead and tried to kill her to get back at me. Really, it's a shame you're all dead, because I think Thanksgiving dinners would be a riot"

(2) Babe and Her Boys

When Jamie, JR and Babe bonded over Jamie's decision to go be a do-gooder in Africa (which, really, does anyone care, ever, about Jamie anymore, especially if he's wearing a shirt?), they made minor references to the trauma of their pasts together, but it was so vague, like "All the hell we put each other through" and "We've hurt each other". That sound benign, like "Remember when I wrote that note about how much I hated you and I accidentally put it in YOUR locker instead of Jill's?" or "Remember when we went to the mall and you weren't invited", when in reality it was "Remember when I cheated on you with your brother the first day I came to town/remember when I ran away with your wife and told your son he was dead and had your son call me his father/tried to kill you? Good times"

I still don't know which is more awkward, but I do know for sure that (a)no matter how married Alexa Havins and Justin Bruening are, their onscreen chemistry is terrible (b)Alexa's contract is up soon and it might turn out that she is leaving the show, pleasepleaseplease. I know they will never get rid of Babe, but she might be easier to stomach if she wasn't played by someone so insanely smug.

Soap I Don't Watch #4: One Life To Live

I thought it was pretty hilarious that the show doing a week-long musical prom storyline was nominated as Best Drama at the Daytime Emmys.  But then I thought hey, maybe it was really good a few months ago, and has only recently declined.  That kind of unevenness happens all the time on soaps.  Especially  on Days of Our Lives.  Now, having watched the episode that got OLTL its Best Drama nomination, I have to ask:  Huh?  Why?  How was this one of the four best soap episodes last year?  What a sad commentary on the genre!

In fairness, I suppose this One Life to Live episode was slightly better than the Young and the Restless one that somehow won tied for Best Drama.  (Though from Mallory, I know that is damning with faint praise.)  And I imagine it would have been better if I didn't know that the dude in the casket whose funeral consumed the whole show was, in fact, not dead.  I don't know.  Overall, I'd say it didn't wow me, but it contained fewer clichés and annoying performances than Y&R, so it's not the basement-dweller of the bunch.  Of the Soaps I Don't Watch, I'd rank them:

1. Guiding Light (by a mile)
2. The Bold and the Beautiful
3. One Life to Live
4. The Young and the Restless

At some point soon I'll do a poll to get your rankings, since many of you actually watch these shows and therefore won't be just talking out of your ass like I am.  Not that I'm not totally comfortable with the ass-talking, mind you.  Speaking of, here is the highly refined pro and con list for One Life to Live:

The Day's Most Awesome Dialogue

I was going to rant about the title of today's General Hospital.  According to my TiVo, it was "Jason Sacrifices His Happiness."  My rant was basically:  Yeah, you know when he did that?  When he starting KILLING PEOPLE FOR A LIVING!!! 

But then I watched, and it was actually a decent episode.  The "I love you"s between Jason and Elizabeth were, it pains me to admit, quite touching.  Steve Burton and Becky Herbst really play well off each other.  (And yeah, I know, poor dim but gorgeous Lucky, etc., but it's a soap!  They were going to break up eventually.  And stupid ABC sent me an email spoiling that Lucky's going to make out with Sam this week anyway, so my sympathy would have been short-lived.)  Don't get me wrong, I don't want them to get together, as I am still quaintly hung up on the idea that Jason murders people for profit.  Which is why this lil' bit of truth-telling really made the episode for me:

Ric:  You know in your heart that Jason is guilty, Elizabeth.  But you're going to look the other way so that Jason can continue his business with Sonny – killing people without a shred of conscience to slow him down.  Because you're so enamored with Jason, you don't even care.
Elizabeth: You're in no position to judge, with all the hurt that you’ve caused.
Ric: You know what, that's fine.  Fine.  Thank you.  Thank you for opening my eyes, Elizabeth.  I realize now that you're not the angel that I thought you were.  As a matter of fact, you are astonishingly like Carly.  You're willing to lie, and you're willing to rationalize any crime, including murder, if it benefits your precious Jason.

Preach it, Lansing.  I have previously bitched about Ric being a terrible messenger, and I still believe that, but Rick Hearst freaking sold that scene, and plus I've decided I don't care who says this stuff as long as anyone on this f'ed up show is saying it.  It could even be Sonny.  I'd totally ignore the hypocrisy and be all "Woohoo!  Go you!  I love black satin sheets and airborne lowball glasses!  Call me!"

I should probably disclose that it is entirely possible I'm being unnecessarily generous about today's episode because Josh Duhon spent most of it shirtless. 

If I Watched, Which I Totally Didn't . . .

. . . my favorites after the season premiere of I Wanna Be a Soap Star (which is looking for a new star to appear on Days of Our Lives for exactly 13 weeks next year) would be Yves and Travis.  But that's really based -- er, I mean, would hypothetically be based -- almost entirely on looks.  As many things in soapdom are.

And if I'd watched the part where the judges had to say what being a soap star required, Michael Bruno would have creeped me the hell out: 

Daytime is, to so many people, their best friend.  Their lover.  Their parent that they've never had or wanted to have.

Uh, I just like it for the pretty people, twisted family trees, over-the-top plots, and in general how easy it is to make fun of.  I didn't realize I was supposed to be taking it so seriously!

Our August Soap Opera Digest Column

We hope that you all managed to check out the 8/21 issue of Soap Opera Digest via a subscription, or rifling through it in line at the grocery store, if only for the small picture of James Scott enjoying a vacation in Vietnam and Cambodia that appears on page 74. In our My Take/My Take, Too column appearing in that issue, we tackled some of our favorite targets: Days of Our Lives, General Hospital and The Young and the Restless.

Becca did the time warp again as she wondered why GH is so insistent upon living in the past and she praised Days for its mid-summer fabulosity. The rapid downturn of the show's quality coinciding with the publication of our column embarrassed her greatly and she's currently on the lam, living under an assumed name. Mallory imagined a nefarious plot between the GH and Y&R writing staffs to introduce and forget as many plot points as possible over the course of a year. She is also far, far too thrilled about the tiny Jason Gerhardt photo that appears on her page. 

It's Getting to the Point Where I Miss Cricket

Cricket. Yeah, I said it. I'd take her back if it meant this show would get back to normal. I'd take her AND a whole harem of men who are devoted solely to loving her AND daily references to her awesomeness. I am that desperate.

Look: I already spend a good chunk of my day with talking to unpleasant people while they unpleasantly go about their days. It's called "my job". I don't want to watch my soap operas just to see more of the same unpleasantness! It's just SO BAD. There was a time when I didn't hate every single character populating Genoa City, but that ship sailed long ago. I mean, I still love Jack always and forever, but everyone else can pretty much suck it.

That's enough, Phyllis.

Oh, Phyllis. I expected more of you. I expected you to go down in a blaze of glory. What the hell kind of semi-sociopathic, kind of redeemed unhinged uberbitch gets caught nearly jumping bail because she's too dumb to properly hide the wig she's planning on using while she's on the run? Since when is Phyllis an idiot? I guess sexing up Nick isn't good for the old IQ, since his "duh" is contagious.

Poor Carly?!

ABC Daytime is fakakta, yo. 

There I was, innocently eating my lunch, drinking a vitamin water, surfing the 'net, when SoapNet/ABC Daytime -- with its accomplice, Gmail -- ruined my afternoon with a single email.

Part of the subject line:

Hey, Carly must have a new storyline!  Maybe it'll be one in which she doesn't yell, or idolize Sonny.  Miracles do happen!  And betrayal, well, she could use a little bit of that -- knock her down a few pegs.  I wonder who betrays her!

And here's more confirmation that the subject line is not a typo:  Carly has, in fact, been betrayed. 

But how, you ask?  How has Carly been betrayed?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?!  Being the victim of sexual assault is breaking your wedding vows?!  (Vows that were ridiculous to start with, BTW.)

I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but when I saw this:

and this:

My first thought wasn't, "Poor Carly, however will she cope?"

Is there nobody associated with this show that has any grip remaining on reality?  Jesus.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

I continue to go back-and-forth about Days these days.  When I sit down to write a week in review, I realize not much happened.  But unlike General Hospital, I don't want to hunt down the writers and do them bodily damage.  It's more like I want to shake them, and make them repeat their moments of awesomeness more consistently.  I'm optimistic that the recent behind-the-scenes changes will effectively do that.  Especially because I went on a Container Store spree recently, so I can't afford the airfare to LA.  And I think that pesky restraining order that James Scott so outrageously took out against me and Mallory will mean I can't even get through the gate at the studio.  So unnecessary, James!  You don't see Jason Thompson reacting that way to our harmless affection, do you?  Okay, you do.  But you're both being overly sensitive.

I can't fight it anymore.  I have decided to embrace this crazy-ass version of EJ.

Give him Santo's hideous mustache to twirl, have him wander the streets speaking in tongues, send him on yet another nonsensical character detour that shows no personal growth and is impossible to follow.  I'll just gaze at him and try to devise a workable plan for James Scott to pass his genes along to as many male members of the next generation as possible.  I'm doing it for the children.

I went on record opposing any baby-related storyline for Steve and Kayla.  But, contrary to vicious internet rumors, I am not dead inside.  And this particular baby, well, he is one of the cutest, most expressive infants I've ever seen.  I cannot resist the draw of Pocket.

General Hospital Week in Review

Watching TV this week, I experienced a range of emotions.  Delight, bewilderment, shock, anger, anticipation, and satisfaction.  Unfortunately for General Hospital -- I'm sure you saw this coming --  none of that was in relation to the goings-on in Port Charles.  A quick rundown:

Delight:  At finding My Boys, one of the funniest sitcoms on the air.  (Dude who plays Brendan, you must call me.)
Bewilderment:  1) That anyone thought Scott Baio should get a reality show; 2) That I am TiVo'ing it; and 3) That a guy I used to date shares so many personality characteristics with Scott Baio and that yet I managed not to kill him while he slept.
Shock:  At how witty The Office is, and at the fact that nobody made me watch it until now.
Anger:  At how crappy Rescue Me has become.
Anticipation: Of the So You Think You Can Dance finale.
Satisfaction:  That I predicted the So You Think You Can Dance top two correctly , and that Cat Deeley wore a crazy-ass dress and a milkmaid braid for the big event.

Disgust and fatigue, though, GH owned those.  Woohoo.  Go show.

So the trial that ate this show finally ended on Thursday.  Thank god.  I'm not going to expend any more effort on it than I already have.  What's most important is that Jason is back, running free

wearing a black t-shirt, sporting terrible hair, staring expressionless with cold eyes, endangering the people who care about him just by existing.  GH's consistency is oddly beautiful, isn't it?

"So, can I ask you a question?  A few, actually?  Does this brown color and my foundation combine to make me look like I have consumption, and would that explain why this dress looks like it was designed in the 1890s?  Also, would this hair look too matronly on even a woman who was actually born during that decade?"

"Yeah, I thought so.  The bitches who run this show hate me."