Serial Drama

Night Shift Episode 6: Love's Labors

Previously on Night Shift:  The show started off with a promising premiere but since then has plummeted downhill faster than Lindsay Lohan's sobriety.  This week's episode wasn't as bad as last week's or the second one, but it still wasn't good.  I still think the writers didn't sit down and map out a 13-episode arc, because the show doesn't hang together week to week, and there's no character development that you would expect from a weekly drama.  The only real constant is Patrick and Robin's ridiculously redundant and increasingly nonsensical bickering.  This week, there wasn't even any charming banter to help balance it out.  Sigh.

We open with what initially looks like a grainy dream/nightmare sequence (like last week) involving Robin and Patrick's patient dying. But then Robin is sitting in Dr. Ford's office with Ford and a hospital lawyer to say that what happened at the hospital that night is a major catastrophe, so the grainy footage is apparently a flashback.  Then we cut to Robin carrying coffee to the nurses' station, and it's clear we're going to be doing the whole "show the conclusion first and then the many hours leading up to it" thing that every drama in the history of the world, including GH itself during the last sweeps period, has done.  A total lack of originality by the GH team.  Who could have seen this coming?!

Also in the hospital, Patrick is flirting/talking with Leyla.   Robin sees them, overreacts significantly, and gives his coffee away to Jolene before storming off.  Who could have seen this coming?!

Spinelli is doing his usual thing, following Jason around like a (really weird) puppy.  He shows the hitman/janitor the latest version of The Saga of Stone Cold, the video game that looks like you would play it on a Commodore 64.  Jason is angry Spinelli didn't delete the game.  Spinelli is stoked to have improved the game with a new "uber villain" named The Cackling Clown (based on that bizarre patient from last week), complete with an animated disembodied clown's head graphic.  I will be seeking a new blog and column collaborator, because somewhere in New York, Mallory just had a stroke. 

Least Shocking Trial Ever

To the tune of The Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song . . .

Who can turn the world cold with his eyes?
Who can take a cell phone call, and suddenly head out to neutralize?   
Well it's Jason, and you should know it
With each shot and every body-dumping he shows it

Mobsters are heroes, no need to deny
Better than dumb cops, doctors, and spies
He's gonna go free after all
He's gonna go free after all

Who can kill more than that monkey flu?
Who can fight, or smile, or kill, with the expression of a statue?
Well it's Jason, and you should know it
With each tarp and every broken kneecap he shows it

Mobsters are heroes, no need to deny
Better than dumb cops, doctors, and spies
He’s gonna go free after all
He’s gonna go free after all

Why can't he go back to med school?
Hitman can't do career day at Jake's pre-school
Isn't it about time he did retire? 
Someone new can earn Sonny’s love and Carly’s ire 

Mobsters are heroes, no need to deny
Better than dumb cops, doctors, and spies
He’s gonna go free after all
He’s gonna go free after all

Our Column In the 8/21 Issue of SOD

Our latest Soap Opera Digest column is on newsstands now (the August 21st Issue, Pages 68-69). Becca takes on the "everything old is new again" storytelling of General Hospital and Days of Our Lives* and Mallory wonders why The Young and the Restless and General Hospital are competing to see who can drop the most plot points. Bonus: a small photo of Jason Gerhardt! It's pretty enough to calm and distract you when the picture of Jeremy "Horton" (Trevor Donovan) right next to it threatens to send you into a fit of rage.

* Becca issues a mea culpa in advance for raving about how great Days is.  We write these things more than a month in advance!  Who knew the downslide from awesomeness would be so fast and steep?  Fortunately GH's crappiness is more consistent.

What Will Happen?!?!

The trial of the...um, week concludes today on General Hospital with Jason Morgan finally learning his fate. Will he go to jail? Will he walk away an innocent man? Will Ric lose his mind spectacularly and claw the jurors' eyes out if Jason is acquitted? Will Cam throw a victory party if he's convicted? I WONDER!

Expression Hall of Shame

Over the weekend, I got an email from reader Dena who told me that Friday's episode of All My Children was a must-see. Not because of quality, but because...well, you'll see.

I was sort of AMCed out until today (there is just too much tragedy! I needed a break from it, and I spent that break re-watching marathons of The Hills which...is tragic in its own way, actually) and I just got around to watching it and I really have no words to describe it.

I...I understand what they were going for with the soliloquies and the breaking the fourth wall, and most of the main players (Alicia Minshew, Thorsten Kaye, Susan Lucci, Walt Willey, Melissa Claire Egan) did a really good job with it. The subject matter is terribly heavy and the situation itself is enough to make me cry, because I'm a big old sap, so a lot of it was really emotional.

And then there was Cameron Mathison.

I once said, of Mr. Mathison's acting skills, that:

I wish that someone had thought to suggest acting lessons to him at some point in time, because the hoarse way that he yells with crazy eyes to convey anger is really overdone.

And, you know, at the time, my biggest gripe was really about the hoarse yelling, with the crazy eyes being a secondary annoyance. But after Friday's episode, I'm pretty sure that the crazy eyes will haunt my dreams FOREVER.

What the hell is that supposed to be? Anger? Anguish? I mostly feel like he's peering deep into my soul, taunting me with the fact that he can see all of my secrets. "I know that you steal Sharpies from work, Mallory. I KNOW you do. And that's wrong. And because of your crimes, I am going to eat your brain".

I was scared at first, but I tried to be reasonable, all, "Well, you know, it probably is wrong to bring Sharpies home from work, he's got a point there. And he's not used to the whole 'speaking directly to the camera thing', I'm sure it will get better as the show goes on".

There is a reason why I never look on the bright side of things...

General Hospital Week in Review

I really resent it when the only two soaps I watch have incredibly slow weeks simultaneously.  So last week with Days and GH, I have to say, I was a bit miffed.  Where is my yin and yang?  Why is nobody thinking of me? 

My resentment-fueled grumpiness cannot be taken out directly on the GH writing team (though I'm still in the market for some good voodoo dolls), so I will take the round-about way and just refuse to discuss the stories that the "writers" inexplicably find fascinating and worthy of consuming the entire show.

Therefore I will not discuss the stupid trial that everyone who has ever watched this show before knows full well isn't going to end with Jason convicted of the crime he actually committed.  (Although the whole “hypothetically” conversation between Jason and Diane on Friday was oddly amusing, for a conversation about murder for hire.)  And I won't discuss Carly and Jerry's adventures in a hotel room we're supposed to believe is in South America.  (Confession:  I probably would have addressed the latter, but this week Carly was remarkably free of heinous tops, appeared to be wearing a bra, and didn't unjustifiably yell at anyone.  So I had nothing to work with, because I don't like to stretch.)

The winner of best hair makeover goes to . . .

Amelia Joffe.  I know, I can't believe it either!  She looks spectacular.  I think this is my dream cut and style.  And it's absolutely ideal for Annie Wersching.  Not that she wasn't pretty before, but she looks gorgeous now.  I would totally print this screencap out and take it into my stylist, but that would really put me firmly on the wrong side of the Soap Crazy line.  And clearly I don't want to be there.

(I will probably still do it.)

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

What a snoozefest of a week on Days.  Mal and I were just whining over email about this -- isn't summer when the shows are supposed to break out their big, fun stories?  Because all the youngsters that the powers-that-be really want to be watching are home from school and need to be entertained?  When I was a kid, Days' summers were the best time of the year.  I secretly had someone tape for me while I was at horse camp, because I didn't want to miss anything.  Whereas now, if not for the blog and the column, I would totally be on one of my soap hiatuses.  (This is why commitment is bad, kids!)  And Days was so good, just a month or so ago.  It's ridiculously uneven.  Anyway, not much happened this week, but let's see if we can make fun of what did.

So I guess we finally know what Belle and Shawn have in common.  Remember how Mallory pointed out that Belle is probably a robot from the 1950s?  Yeah.  She kept that up this week, including using "mister" in a scolding way unironically (!), and sharing this little gem:

Belle:  If we have a problem, we talk, not walk, buster.

Yeah, buster!  Now sit back and watch Ozzie and Harriet with me, mister, and then we can discuss what's wrong.  If that's okay with you.  Whatever you want.  Because you're the boss!  But first let me go get my hair done so I can put on my best dress and pearls to vacuum.

Shawn: We can't both work, Belle.

Seriously!  The Eisenhower administration really frowns upon such things, and who will iron your man's tank tops if you're off being a highfalutin' nurse?

(Side note:  Where is the fabulous new wardrobe Phillip bought Belle?  I've seen no evidence of it.)

This whole storyline is seriously irksome.  There's the whole hopelessly outdated thing, but bigger than that, do the showrunners really not see that these two have no chemistry or anything of interest between them?  They need an exciting storyline, stat, and I'm not even sure that will help.  I'm certain conversations about the insidiousness of two working parents won't.  (I am happy they're finally having Belle get a career, but that buzz was mostly killed by the writers deciding she had to get her husband's permission first.  And as I've mentioned, I'm not against stay-at-home moms, but the writers' approach to this whole things was bad from start to finish.)

Shawn's whole "what if you have a final and Claire has to go to her grandparents or a sitter!" outrage was just insane.  First of all, Claire has like six sets of grandparents, most of whom I'm sure would love to hang out with her for a while.  Second of all, oh no!  Not a babysitter!  I heard at my quilting bee that they all take drugs and sleep with boys!  You might as well just leave your kid alone in a hot car.  Third, later in the week they were talking about the fancy pre-school Claire is at, so why would it matter if Belle went to school while Claire was at school herself?  And finally, the overprotectiveness is big talk coming from the dude who threw this same kid off a cruise ship.  (No, I'm never getting over that.)

Night Shift Episode 5: Bed, Bath and Be Gone

There are times, more often than not, that my standards for entertainment are not that high. I enjoy quality things, but, you know, I read US Weekly. I watch The Hills. I firmly believe that Christina Aguilera can do no wrong.

But I do have some standards. And it's becoming more and more clear as each episode is aired that General Hospital: Night Shift is not up to those vague, not really that high at all, standards.

Since the promising pilot, the quality has veered from the downright tragically awful, to the so-so, to the unbearably boring to...whatever this episode was.

Resolutions. Genoa City Style

The Young and the Restless has a lot of things that General Hospital does not. Like, for example, sets that look like they cost more than twelve dollars to create. And the infinite dreaminess of Peter Bergman. And half an Emmy for Best Daytime Drama.

But did they fare better at keeping their New Year's Resolutions? In a word...no.

Lynn Marie Latham may not be able to write compelling plots, dialogue or characters, but what she lacks in skill, she makes up for in ambition. Unfortunately, her ambitions tends to be along the lines of "Exactly how much can I make this show suck?"

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