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« Thanks, You Guys! | Main | Night Shift Episode 5: Bed, Bath and Be Gone »

August 09, 2007

Resolutions. Genoa City Style

The Young and the Restless has a lot of things that General Hospital does not. Like, for example, sets that look like they cost more than twelve dollars to create. And the infinite dreaminess of Peter Bergman. And half an Emmy for Best Daytime Drama.

But did they fare better at keeping their New Year's Resolutions? In a word...no.

Lynn Marie Latham may not be able to write compelling plots, dialogue or characters, but what she lacks in skill, she makes up for in ambition. Unfortunately, her ambitions tends to be along the lines of "Exactly how much can I make this show suck?"

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I will not let the bitches in this town get me down. I will continue owning my own family's damn company and tell everybody else that they can suck it. I will also bring my poofy hair back; I feel sort of lost without it.
Jack, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  2 out of 5

This is quite possibly the most disappointed I have ever been in Jack Abbott! Not only did he sell back his family's company, (just because the shady manner in which he purchased said company would reflect poorly on his bid to become state senator and really, I know I ask this all the time, but what was UP with the entire senate race storyline? Where did that come from? I've had dreams that were more logically thought out than that storyline was), but the poofy hair remains as MIA as Keemo and Kyle! He does get some credit for giving the proverbial finger to the rest of town by marrying Sharon and bringing mudslinging to the senate race. Because as much as I like Nikki, I like it even more when someone calls her a skank hypocrite. Even if it's not in those exact words.

I will stop with the giggles and will get back to my true calling: life ruining. Through tampered paternity tests, vehicular manslaughter, attempted murder and general snideness, I will once again be the Phyllis Summers that the town hates.
Phyllis, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  2 out of 5

...meh.

I'm not going to try and pretend that the 2007 Phyllis isn't more badass than the 2006 badass, because she is. But that's damning with faint praise, because the 2006 was about as badass as Abigail Breslin. Maybe even less, because 2006 Phyllis probably wouldn't be able to dance to "Superfreak" without making eyes and giggling at Nick. So even though any sort of scheming was welcome, I have to ask: really, Phyllis? Blackmailing Brad and faking a back injury to stay on Jack and Sharon's couch was the best you could do? What the hell? Noah's temper tantrums and Abby's glares at Brad were more malicious than that. Come on!

I will rename myself as soon as I can speak. I will not hold my given name against my parents; I know they were under a lot of stress when they named me. I have made my peace with them and will move on.
Fenmore Baldwin, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  1 out of 5

Fen can't speak yet, so that was a failed resolution. He's only ever mentioned once in a while (and I cringe every time he is, because Fen is the dumbest name for a child besides Spike), so I am just going to imagine that he has an evil genius inner monologue and is plotting away in his crib. Hopefully, his plotting will lead him to burn all articles of clothing that Gloria owns.

I will get a purpose in life other than repeating everything Victor says.
Nikki, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  4 out of 5

Well, Nikki did a lot more than repeat everything Victor said this year. Like getting a hot hot hot haircut. And also embarking on a disgusting semi-affair with David Chow. And running for state senator. Which she apparently wanted to do so badly that she ruined the lives of her children in order to do so. But the resolution never explicitly said that whatever she did needed to be good, productive or sensical, so I have to give her credit for it. Plus, the haircut is really good.

I will continue to be sassy. I will keep dating Jack Abbott to make the Newmans' heads explode and I will never lower myself to Brad Carlton's level ever again. I will also learn proper weave maintenance.
Sharon, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  3.5 out of 5

Oh, Sharon.

On the plus side, she's not quite as close to Brad as she was last year. Yes, they have the occasional too close for comfort scene, but compared to last year, when she went to dry hump him every time she broke a nail, they're quite distant from each other. Progress! On the negative side, I didn't think that Nick would pose a threat to the Jack/Sharon marriage. What the hell, Sharon? You're married to Jack Abbott! How can you let yourself be tempted by your amnesia having ex-husband?

And also: the weave. I don't know why no one on the Y&R set realizes that the stick straight, flat, shapeless, long in the front, short in the back thing is not cute, or in style, or remotely flattering. Has that ever been in style? Isn't Sharon supposed to be a spokesmodel? Who isn't blind?

I will up and leave Genoa City one night, never to return, with no one even noticing that I am gone. I will then go torment the good folks on The Bold and the Beautiful like usual. And, most importantly, I will never sing again.
Amber, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

My sadness is so strong that it can only be summed up with emoticons. :( :( :( :( :(

Not only is Amber still on the show, she's on the show every single freaking day, sucking like a sucking thing. Granted, she hasn't delighted us all with her musical stylings lately, but I'm too distracted by the fact that she is always there. She's in scenes, mugging and trying to do her best sex kitten purr. If she's not actually in the scene, people are talking about her. My God, she's made her way into the opening credits and the commercial bumpers! Will the madness never end?!

I will stop inviting plebes like Sylvia Browne and Amber Moore to stay at my estate. I will only associate with the upper echelons of the world and will be fierce whilst doing it.
Katherine, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  4 out of 5

2007 has so far been remarkably cameo free. No Sylvia Browne rasping about dead people's auras. No Il Devo doing whatever it is that Il Devo does (like "sing" or "make me uncomfortable). The writers seem reluctant to give Katherine an actual story, so they've kept her busy with meddling in Jill and Ji-Min's offscreen instarelationship, bonding with her newfound grandson and supporting Nikki's various goals and dreams. She has been fierce while doing all of the above, so she was quite successful overall.

I will, even for just one moment, feel badly about the lives I have ruined (and ended) through my inability to function in society. I will admit the fact that I tainted the creme that burned a child, killed a woman and caused Jack to lose his place in his father's company. I will either stop going after rich, single men or I will openly embrace the label of a gold-digger. I will stop wearing outfits that Fran Drescher circa 1997 rejected as being too tacky.
Gloria, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  1 out of 5

Ol' Crazy Eyes has been a massive thorn in my side this year. She gets minor points for finally admitting that she tainted the cream and she even showed remorse for what she did and what happened (if not outright saying that she and only she was at fault because she's psychotic). The points are only minor ones because she only admitted this after being caught in a web of lies by her newest husband who realized that she had faked a DNA test and, after her husband had a stroke during the revelation, she refused to tell anybody else that she had admitted to tainting the cream and launched a full scale coverup. Again!

And her new (now deceased, eyeroll) husband? Multi millionaire who got married to her after another one of her grand schemes that included drugging her romantic rival in order for her to have sex with Ji- Min and fall out of favor with William. Please note that there were, of course, no repercussions for Gloria drugging two people. And not like it needs to even be said, but Gloria is commited to the whole "I actually love these people! I do! Them, not their money!" thing.

Tragically, Gloria's 2007 wardrobe has gotten even WORSE. I could have never imagined, back in December, that she would be able to top the sum of all of her 2006 outfits with one suit.

I will, like, try my best to ohmigod, like, speak like an actual, like, human being and, like, close my mouth when I'm not talking because, ohmigod, how many bugs have I swallowed? It's like seriously embarrassing.
Lily, Y&R

Resoluteness Rating:  5 out of 5

I don't hate Christel Khalil's version of Lily anymore. I am not bothered by her in the least. I don't know if it's because she's improved, or because everybody else sucks so badly that they make her positively tolerable.

I will haunt Lynn Marie Latham until she realizes that she took daytime's greatest show and turned it into a mess with propped characters, out of character characters, no character development, murder via thighs, terrible recasts, stupid stories and no clear plan of what the future holds. I will then take over writing from the afterlife.
The Ghost of William J. Bell, Creator of The Young and the Restless

Resoluteness Rating:  0 out of 5

I know that this was an unfair resolution, because obviously, William J. Bell is dead and it's hard to write a show from beyond the grave, especially when the show's current writer undoubtedly has all sorts of anti-ghost jinxes set up around her office because she knows, deep down, that even the dead and undead deserve her job more than she does.

But honestly, it's like someone read that and said, "Those resolutions are great! And they'd be even better if we did EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE! Woo!"

Really: propped characters? Check. Out of character characters?  Check. No character development? Quick, give me one adjective to describe Cane's personality! Can't do it, can you? Terrible recasts? Check. Stupid stories? Check. No clear plan of what the future holds? Check. There were no murders via thighs, but there was death via a "CGI" "river". Lynn Marie Latham is freaking diabolical. There's no way you write something so incredibly shitty without actively trying.

Comments

Oh my gosh. I've just found this website today and it's like the mothership has called me home.

I was hoping someone would explain to me while Colleen was recast.

Great post.

I've missed your Y&R blogging.

And what's this about Amber in the OPENING CREDITS? If I don't see it, it's not real *covers eyes*

Remember the glory days of "Adrienne Frantz will be joining the Y&R cast for *6 months only*"?

Did you know what LML's son is one of the writers for the show now? That's one explanation as for why the show sucks now.

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