Dear Days, I Still Have Some Questions
Dear Days of Our Lives,
These days, you are mostly awesome. Really! I'm impressed. I'm sure you're worried, getting a letter like this, because sometimes my letters to soaps are a bit on the rageaholic side. But, as you should every day, be thankful you are not General Hospital and are instead on an upward trajectory, towards being routinely fabulous. Because I am all about helping people, though, I have to tell you that there are some things I still find puzzling. I think if you work through them they should really help you on your road to recovery [from the James E. Reilly era].
Anyway, as in the past, I'll pose some questions.
Why did the hottest scene you've had in years take place between two characters who died before I Love Lucy premiered?
I am enjoying the Santo and Colleen cheese-fest, but I think maybe
you should consider casting some new leads in the 30-ish range, because
otherwise, what do you plan to do, have the two you have just appear in
seven different stories simultaneously? On the other hand, that's
seven times the James Scott, so . . . carry on! I anxiously await
their flapper/bootlegger tale, and the heartwarming story of two crazy
kids who fall for each other against a backdrop of the Industrial
Why can't you retire the "If they're adopted it's totally fine!" rule?
Because, yeah, they have good chemistry, but it's still "Stephanie
seems totally hot for her Uncle Max!" Which, you know, isn't ideal.
Are Steve and Kayla going to have some scenes together anytime soon, just the two of them (sans Pocket)? Because I don't know whether you'd heard, but they used to be kind of popular, and the actors have a tiny bit of chemistry when they're onscreen at the same time.
Why is Jeremy?
That's it: Why is Jeremy?
(Doesn't that screencap look a little bit like the cover of one of those adventure books you read as a kid? Like, The Happy Hollisters and the Case of the Curious Caller?)
Why are all your cops morons?
Roman doesn't check a room for lurking DiMeras after he enters it,
Abe doesn't think a shadowy figure at Stefano's funeral might be
Andre, and the randoms who've been assigned to "protect" Sami for the last few months have been about as effective as a Quartermaine condom. And now you're adding Shawn to the mix? Really? Are there
going to be outside consultants who come in to actually solve crimes?
There is one exception, though, which brings me to my next question: How did Bo become so kick-ass so suddenly, and why can't you figure out how to do that to Roman?
Please note The Eyebrow in the background. That thing is legendary.
Seriously. I don't know why your network sent Passions to DirectTV. The suits should have given The Eyebrow its own show instead.
There is an awesome YouTube video in the making, comprised solely of clips of The Eyebrow eyebrowing, and Roman saying "whut da hey-ell?" Add in Wayne Northrup growling "Maar-layna," and it will be a Roman-extravaganza.
Why does Sami keep yelling at people? She's starting to remind me of someone.
Why is Anna only on once a month?
Are you worried that her awesomeness
will outshine others? I'm willing to take that risk. I'm also willing
to have you lock at least four members of the early-20s set in a closet
for weeks on end to make room for Anna, though, so maybe I'm not the
most unbiased source.
Do you think that putting them in increasingly perilous situations will make anyone care about Shawn and Belle as a couple?
I don't. And it's getting ridiculous. They're going to have to start running off cliffs and getting blown up by Acme dynamite at this rate. And just to clarify, I still wouldn't care. Just break them up already! You have an interloper in the form of Phillip, and while I don't really want him subjected to wet blanket/1950s robot Belle, at least it would split up the yawn-fest that is Belle and Shawn.
Why is James Scott so scorchingly hot?
It's starting to distract me from my work.
Why isn't Allison Sweeney being the host enough built-in pimpage for The Biggest Loser?
Seriously, Kate is suddenly best buddies with a trainer, who will give her a call after he "finish[es] shooting The Biggest Loser"? That may be lamer than the talking dog.
Also, this is a well to which GH has already gone, and I think we can agree that no good can come from copying post-2002 General Hospital.
Where the hell is Adrienne and when are you going to let her invisible children and husband out to play?
What kind of drugs do I need to be on to not be terrified by Roman's forehead and eyebrows, or Kate's hair?
I don't want to take the drugs, because they clearly send you to a very bad place. Oh, and because all drugs are bad, kids! Just say no. Except maybe to pot when you're in college. And of course anything prescription, but...where was I? Oh, right. I basically just need to know what causes you to think either of those things are okay so that I can avoid that substance in the future. Kate's hair, in particular, just gets weirder every week. It's like a paint-by-numbers project.
I haven't heard from Mallory in days
thanks to this. Was it all a revenge plot? Can we make a deal? You
cut it out with the homicidal clowns, and I can probably get her to
retract that stuff she said about John and Marlena.
Well, not retract, exactly, but let's just say that from now on her
barbs will instead be reserved for, um, Ron and Elena? Played by a guy with
Academy-Award-worthy acting chops and a woman who's clearly never seen
the inside of a plastic surgeon's office? I'm sure we can work
Screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.