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« Love in the Afternoon | Main | Our September Soap Opera Digest Column »

September 17, 2007

Dear Days, I Still Have Some Questions

Dear Days of Our Lives,

These days, you are mostly awesome.  Really!  I'm impressed.  I'm sure you're worried, getting a letter like this, because sometimes my letters to soaps are a bit on the rageaholic side.  But, as you should every day, be thankful you are not General Hospital and are instead on an upward trajectory, towards being routinely fabulous.  Because I am all about helping people, though, I have to tell you that there are some things I still find puzzling.  I think if you work through them they should really help you on your road to recovery [from the James E. Reilly era].

Anyway, as in the past, I'll pose some questions.

Why did the hottest scene you've had in years take place between two characters who died before I Love Lucy premiered?


I am enjoying the Santo and Colleen cheese-fest, but I think maybe you should consider casting some new leads in the 30-ish range, because otherwise, what do you plan to do, have the two you have just appear in seven different stories simultaneously?  On the other hand, that's seven times the James Scott, so . . . carry on!  I anxiously await their flapper/bootlegger tale, and the heartwarming story of two crazy kids who fall for each other against a backdrop of the Industrial Revolution.


Why can't you retire the "If they're adopted it's totally fine!" rule?


Because, yeah, they have good chemistry, but it's still "Stephanie seems totally hot for her Uncle Max!"  Which, you know, isn't ideal.


Are Steve and Kayla going to have some scenes together anytime soon, just the two of them (sans Pocket)?  Because I don't know whether you'd heard, but they used to be kind of popular, and the actors have a tiny bit of chemistry when they're onscreen at the same time.


Why is Jeremy? 


That's it:  Why is Jeremy?

(Doesn't that screencap look a little bit like the cover of one of those adventure books you read as a kid?  Like, The Happy Hollisters and the Case of the Curious Caller?)


Why are all your cops morons?

Roman doesn't check a room for lurking DiMeras after he enters it, Abe doesn't think a shadowy figure at Stefano's funeral might be Andre, and the randoms who've been assigned to "protect" Sami for the last few months have been about as effective as a Quartermaine condom.  And now you're adding Shawn to the mix?  Really?  Are there going to be outside consultants who come in to actually solve crimes?

There is one exception, though, which brings me to my next question:  How did Bo become so kick-ass so suddenly, and why can't you figure out how to do that to Roman?


Please note The Eyebrow in the background.  That thing is legendary. 


Seriously.  I don't know why your network sent Passions to DirectTV.  The suits should have given The Eyebrow its own show instead.

There is an awesome YouTube video in the making, comprised solely of clips of The Eyebrow eyebrowing, and Roman saying "whut da hey-ell?"  Add in Wayne Northrup growling "Maar-layna," and it will be a Roman-extravaganza.


Why does Sami keep yelling at people?  She's starting to remind me of someone.


Why is Anna only on once a month?


Are you worried that her awesomeness will outshine others?  I'm willing to take that risk.  I'm also willing to have you lock at least four members of the early-20s set in a closet for weeks on end to make room for Anna, though, so maybe I'm not the most unbiased source.


Do you think that putting them in increasingly perilous situations will make anyone care about Shawn and Belle as a couple?


I don't.  And it's getting ridiculous.  They're going to have to start running off cliffs and getting blown up by Acme dynamite at this rate.  And just to clarify, I still wouldn't care.  Just break them up already!  You have an interloper in the form of Phillip, and while I don't really want him subjected to wet blanket/1950s robot Belle, at least it would split up the yawn-fest that is Belle and Shawn. 


Why is James Scott so scorchingly hot?


It's starting to distract me from my work.


Why isn't Allison Sweeney being the host enough built-in pimpage for The Biggest Loser?


Seriously, Kate is suddenly best buddies with a trainer, who will give her a call after he "finish[es] shooting The Biggest Loser"?  That may be lamer than the talking dog

Also, this is a well to which GH has already gone, and I think we can agree that no good can come from copying post-2002 General Hospital.


Where the hell is Adrienne and when are you going to let her invisible children and husband out to play?


What kind of drugs do I need to be on to not be terrified by Roman's forehead and eyebrows, or Kate's hair?



I don't want to take the drugs, because they clearly send you to a very bad place.  Oh, and because all drugs are bad, kids!  Just say no. Except maybe to pot when you're in college.  And of course anything prescription, but...where was I?  Oh, right.  I basically just need to know what causes you to think either of those things are okay so that I can avoid that substance in the future.  Kate's hair, in particular, just gets weirder every week.  It's like a paint-by-numbers project.




I haven't heard from Mallory in days thanks to this.  Was it all a revenge plot?  Can we make a deal?  You cut it out with the homicidal clowns, and I can probably get her to retract that stuff she said about John and Marlena. Well, not retract, exactly, but let's just say that from now on her barbs will instead be reserved for, um, Ron and Elena?  Played by a guy with Academy-Award-worthy acting chops and a woman who's clearly never seen the inside of a plastic surgeon's office?  I'm sure we can work something out.

Screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.


At first I too was weirded out by the Stephanie-Max connection (at least have Kayla bring it up!), but I have to admit that it is sort of a DAYS tradition. I mean, one of the most famous storylines in the show's history is still the romance of Tony and Renee (which they never quite explained away during those years when Tony was supposed to be Stefano's biological son after all). And I still don't think Max and Stephanie are nearly as creepy as the fact that in the '80s Victor lusted after and eventually slept with Kimberly Brady, the daughter of the love of his life and his son's half-sister. Sure, I don't think at the time the writers decided that Bo was Victor's son, but still...eeeeeeeeeeeewww.

Re Shawn and Belle:

See? The writers have sort of the right idea. Couples on the run, against the world, in increasingly perilous situations, their love saving them every time is a really good idea...assuming, you know, the audience actually likes the couple and doesn't want them to die a horrible death.

Bo and Hope in danger? Fabulous. Jack and Jen? Patch and Kayla? Luke and Laura? Frisco and Felicia? Robert and Holly or Anna? Super.

Right concept. Wrong couple.

And good point about the only 30s-ish couple being Lucas/Sami/EJ/Santo/Colleen (I still hold out hope for Lucas and Sami, because I'm sentimental like that and James Scott could probably have chemistry with a toaster oven, or maybe even Belle).

And if Adrienne gets screentime and her kids come back again, can they bring along her adorable, drool-worthy dimpled husband whom I adore more than life itself?

Yes, the lack of a 30-something set has been a problem around Days for some time. Doesn't make me miss Carrie and Austin, but still a noticeable problem. 3 characters does not a demographic make.

As for Stephanie and Max, I've pretty much been sucked in against every fibre of my being. I think it's partly because if given a choice between watching adopted relatives with chemistry as against any combination of Belle/Shawn/Phillip or Chelsea/Jett or Steph/Jeremy has fried my brain.

smirks believe me, the Wally Kurth love is implied. I didn't mention him by name this time because I fear the restraining order.

And yeah, I don't think the writing is the problem with Belle and Shawn. Someone, perhaps The Dude in the Orange Shoes, needs to pull the plug on that coupling, or recast one or both roles, or just . . . something. I don't mind the actors, they just cannot make anything happen with each other. So I don't know why the show is hanging on to Belle and Shawn as a couple, when I assume everyone who loved them did so when they were played by totally different people.

zara, I am getting a little drawn in because the actors really are quite good together, but I don't think I'll ever get past the familial ties completely.

Ahh...Wally filed one against you too, huh Becca? LOL! I mean, those dimples invite inappropriate biting...

Oh, thank you for the Anna shout out. She's just fabulous and brightens up every scene she's in. They should give her more to do. She and Kate as rivals was terrific.

And as always, I think Shawn/Belle is more effective than any sleeping pill.

"Why is Anna only on once a month?"

Anna. She's like your period, in a way.

Except, you know, not.

I can't think of anything that can make me give a whit about Shelle.

Maybe with other people, but not together.

I am so onboard with watching AS/JS re-enact various historical times in the lives of Ej/Sami.

I'd give them their own show.

I don't watch Days too much. This is fact and with my phobia of clowns, like Mallory, thanks to the Stephen King It era I never will. Never. So clowns are a big no-no in soaps(or life) and even my almost 2 little sister says so when I'm watching soaps and yells,"You Stuupppidd!" at me, which can only be discribed as adorable and oddly wise... and it stands that it is my fault she knows these words. Also Romans forehead and eyebrows... it frightened me oddles worth in a "Wow." kinda way with a mix of haha and shudders. And Shawn and belle are proven likeable, back when they were teenagers and the Days writers love em, can you tell. James Scott is just plain adoarble and I love him plus I think Alision is great soo Double Cool Points!

On a slight side topic, how about them Yankees?


My teacher who is cooler than we thought but not for this, said my two favorite teams are The Mets (blah!) and anyone who beats the Yankees (gasp!). We booed him out the door, but its okay because we know that even if hes not kidding we can take him... game wise, DUH!

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