Night Shift Episode 10: Falling Star
Previously, the people who run General Hospital once again stomped on the hearts of soap lovers everywhere by completely screwing up what could have been a really good show but instead is a pointless, boring, and occasionally offensive piece of crap drama whose only claim to fame if there is any justice in the television world will be that it managed to alienate more fanbases in 13 weeks than anyone had previously thought possible.
Oh, on the actual show? Robin and Patrick, around whom this show was supposed to be built, were really annoying for eight weeks and then they broke up. Robin had a serious case of the baby rabies (thanks, Mallory, for introducing me to that phrase), and decided to adopt the baby of a woman she'd known for less time than it takes me to buy a really good-fitting pair of jeans. Jason was uncharacteristically charming and sympathetic; I think the industrial cleaning supplies might have caused a new kind of brain damage, and I therefore want Sonny to get sentenced to community service as a janitor too. Patrick kissed Leyla on the roof, treating us to Jason Thompson's first chemistry-less romantic interaction of his two-year tenure as Patrick. Dr. Kelly Lee slept with...well, a whole lot of people, and is clearly coping with some kind of childhood abuse, but in the meantime one of her conquests slapped the hospital with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Jolene turned out to be a serial killer working for MedCam, the big evil corporation that wants to devalue GH so it can buy it on the cheap. And it turned out Robin didn't know her "good friend" Stacy that well, because Stacy's ex-boyfriend Curtis showed up to claim his daughter despite Stacy's story to Robin that she'd used an anonymous sperm donor.
Also, Maxie flatlined like 26 times but is now out and about in Port Charles, and Cooper -- who apparently never visited her in the hospital -- hasn't been seen since the first episode. There is a mysterious ______ Barrett character lurking around the hospital after being severely burned, and much to our horror we suspected she's supposed to be a recast Brenda, but nothing has happened with her in weeks. Neither of these stories was featured on this episode, which is just as well, because I like Maxie and don't want her associated with this, and more ______ Barrett would have upped the suckage level to a point where I don't think we have the instrumentation to measure.
I really don't understand this show. It blatantly rips off elements of other, more successful and entertaining shows but manages to make even those elements crappy, it's so boring that sometimes I think I'm watching a repeat when I'm not, nobody I know likes or fesses up to watching it, yet the ratings are good and they're talking about doing another season of it. Night Shift is the soap opera equivalent of Nickelback.
Aaaanyway, you really want to know what happened in the tenth episode though, huh? Oh, all right.
Jason's mopping and Jolene's mooning over Jason, when Regina approaches and asks Jolene: "Tobey McGuire, or Jake Gyllenhall?" Is this a Whose Status as a Sex Symbol Is More Perplexing competition? Otherwise, I'm confused. Anyway, Jolene and Leyla both blow off Regina, with Leyla saying things are too quiet and then snipping that she's off to do something useful. Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose.
Leo sashays past the nurses' station (seriously, that was a sashay if there ever was a sashay), his hair thankfully pulled back but unfortunately greased up. He attempts to flirt, or something.
Kelly and Robin are in the nursery, with Kelly trying to ascertain just how sure Robin is about taking on single motherhood, pointing out the awfulness of play dates and mom jeans (shout out?). Robin is sure she's going to love it, though, and they chat until they realize that Curtis (little "Anna"'s bio-dad) is eavesdropping. Kelly gets beeped (there was nothing dirty about that phrasing, but since it's Kelly, I can see why you might have gone there), takes off, and leaves Robin to talk to Curtis, who presents a DNA test showing that he is, in fact, the bio-dad. One might think that at this point super-intelligent, normally rational Robin might have second thoughts about adopting Anna. But One who thought that would be One who has watched GH for years and understands the character of Robin and wants to make sure she retains some dignity after this trainwreck of a spin-off is over, and therefore obviously One would not be a writer on this show.
Billy Dee appears to be bummed that he has been promoted to a supervisory position and doesn't get to mop anymore. Epiphany appears cocky and I think we're supposed to gather than she helped get him the promotion. Even though I can't imagine what power a nurse would have over a janitor getting a pay raise, but whatever. Spinelli comes in and spinellis about his 16-pound bowling ball, which of course then he promptly drops on his foot, the same one he nearly shot off a few weeks ago. Who could have seen this coming?!
Side note: Is there a reason that on both NS and GH, every effort is made to make Bradford Anderson as physically unappealing as possible? He can be a cute kid, something I know from the behind-the-scenes commercials, not from anything I've seen on the shows. His wardrobe is bad enough, but my god, the hair. It looks like it was cut with a Flowbee and washed only bi-weekly.
Dr. Archer tells Regina and Epiphany a war story about when he was a second-year resident and had to stay up for days on end, while walking barefoot in the snow, backwards up a hill, or whatever. His fascinating tale is interrupted by yet another pregnant woman rushing into the GH ER in the middle of labor. Epiphany yells at Regina to page Dr. Lee. Aw, what does Epiphany have against this poor pregnant woman?
MedCam dude and Dr. Ford are pedeconferencing about the takeover. Boring boringness. They see Kelly and call her over so that Dr. Ford can inform Kelly that Pablo has dropped the sexual harassment lawsuit; or, more accurately, the hospital settled it out of court. Kelly is outraged that the hospital settled, because the whole thing was a sham and the suit has totally destroyed her reputation. I think the workplace promiscuity and shitty doctoring probably accounted for most of that destruction. MedCam guy makes a similar point, and Kelly starts to lay into him (again, the dirtiness is all in your minds), but Dr. Archer pulls her away and into a hallway just in time to save her from getting fired. She is predictably not appreciative of the help.
Curtis and Robin talk to the social worker. Who apparently handles non-emergency matters in the middle of a Saturday night, just as the MedCam general counsel and GH chief of staff do. You know, Night Court was more realistic than this show. Anyway, bio-dad says he split with Stacey because she wanted kids and he didn't, but he never would have left if he'd known she was pregnant. What a convincing argument! Robin cross-examines Curtis about when he last saw Stacey and even accuses him of being there in order to get Anna's inheritance, which is totally, completely appropriate and realistic for a potential adoptive parent to do to a biological parent who wants custody. What the hell? The social worker says Robin has invested "a lot of time and energy" into Anna, which is supposed to trump biology, I guess? But no, ultimately the social worker says Curtis is going to get the kid, and Robin seethes.
The pregnant woman from the ER has high blood pressure, which worries Dr. Lee. I would have high blood pressure too, if I was having a baby in that death trap of a hospital. I just hope she takes the stairs to the delivery room. Kelly scolds Regina for appearing nervous in front of the patient.
A fairly rough-looking dude (with entourage) tells Leyla that he wants to see Lupe (the pregnant patient), who is having his baby. Leyla decides to try something new and heads over to the nurses' station to attempt to be useful, and as she does, in walks Cody. Into an emergency room. In the middle of a Saturday night. For no apparent reason. And of course he knows the fairly rough-looking dude. Who it turns out is apparently the guy who shot Cody a week or so ago, to retaliate for Cody "tak[ing his] business down the block." Um, writers who really wanted to display some racial sensitivity and did so with heavy-handedness reminiscent of an After School Special? Why did you have to make the villainous gang members be Latino, particularly on a show that has no Latino cast members?
Oh, Jason was watching all of that, with a cold stare.
Lupe is in the midst of labor and Dr. Lee is allegedly tending to her, when the aforementioned fairly rough-looking dude (I think he says his name is Javier?) busts in and makes some totally inappropriate comments, including about how she should give birth because his gang needs "new recruits." Oh lord. Dr. Lee tries to kick Javier and friends out, but he gets even more obnoxious, asking her if she "likes it rough" and then grabbing and restraining her as she tries to get out of the room to get security. Regina observes all this from the hall.
Billy Dee is sick of supervising already and is back to mopping. Some random patient recognizes him from The Saints and he signs an autograph on her cast. Epiphany feels the need to be a busybody and break up this encounter. Who could have seen this coming?! Regina comes running up, explaining that they need to get security because Dr. Lee is in trouble. Jason watches all of this.
Javier is basically holding Lupe and Dr. Lee hostage. Jason mops his way into the room, draws Javier and pals out into the hallway, whereupon Javier draws a knife and almost stabs Jason but he fights back and saves the day and everything is okay BECAUSE MOBSTERS ARE HEROES AND I DON'T KNOW WHY EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT BY NOW. (Cody actually came in and helped Jason towards the end, and he says now he and Jason are even.)
Patrick [redacted] tells Leyla he thinks she's avoiding him. Leyla doesn't admit it but it's pretty clear she is. Patrick offers to let her scrub in on some fabulous surgery, but she declines because she thinks he's granting her special favors. Which I think he is. What else can they do to ruin the character of Patrick on this assy show? In episode 11, will he kick his grandmother in the shins? Does the finale involve him making fun of disabled kids? Poor Jason Thompson. I hope his hotness comforts him during this difficult time.
Billy Dee and Spinelli have a conversation about bowling. It is no more interesting than it sounds.
Jolene and MedCam dude meet up in a supply closet and have a conversation about how MedCam wants Jolene to kill someone else, this time a doctor.
Dr. Archer is about to grab a nap on a gurney when Dr. Julian comes up to ask him to scrub in on a triple bypass. Dr. Archer is surprised by the request, what with almost having killed Maxie the last time they worked together. Dr. Julian makes clear he's only asking because all the other anesthesiologists are busy, and Dr. Archer gets unjustifiably snotty for a drug-abusing MD who can't tell an esophagus from a trachea. Leo says if Andy messes up again, Leo is turning him in.
When we return from commercial break, it's apparent that Andy is a slow learner, since he's once again drugging himself via IV.
Leyla and Patrick talk while he scrubs up for surgery. I can't be bothered to recap what was a totally pointless, chemistry-free exchange, the likes of which I haven't seen since the WB tried to convince me that Dawson and Joey were a hot couple.
Robin is telling Curtis how difficult it's going to be to be a single parent, how his work hours are going to be tough for a kid, and how he'll have to give up his social life for the baby. I really am so totally over how they're writing Robin. Kimberly McCullough is fabulous and really trying to sell this storyline, but I'm sorry, Robin is being an asshole. Full stop. She is trying to manipulate the biological father of a baby she wants to adopt into giving up his parental rights, all because she thinks she would be a better parent because, what, she had a couple of heartfelt conversations with the baby's mother, who apparently didn't think she and Robin were exactly BFF since she lied about the baby's paternity among who knows how many other things. And this is Robin, who didn't know her own father for the first half of her childhood, and thought she'd lost both of her parents years later. This is just totally out of character and completely ridiculous. Curtis is understandably ticked off about how overinvested Robin is, and in an admittedly kind of shitty way thanks her for her time but informs her he'll be raising his daughter (whom he won't be calling Anna) on his own. Am I supposed to hate Curtis? Because I don't. (I also think he's cute. Take that, show!)
Jolene tries to get into the room where Andy is "sleeping," armed with what I assume is a lethal syringe, but Spinelli interrupts her. He offers to help her pick the lock on the door, but she deflects his attention by putting on this whole routine about how she's in love with him and was just looking for a place for them to be alone. She pulls him into an empty OR and she starts taking her clothes off, and then his. He says he doesn't have much experience, which I think means he's a virgin (who could have seen this coming?!) and she says that's fine. They start making out. Jolene has this hilarious expression of disgust on her face. Never have I wished for a commercial break more.
I think I've made my opinions about the character of Spinelli clear, but I have to say, having the geeky, supposedly adorably appealing guy lose his virginity to a serial killer is one of the shittier things these writers have done in a long time. And please keep in mind what the competition is. I mean really, what was the point of that?
Lainey is by her dad's bedside. Cody knocks on the door and wants to know how Mr. Winters is doing. Lainey responds by writing him out a prescription and telling him to "take it and go." That Lainey, she's a charmer. He leaves and she follows, telling him the ventilator is the only thing keeping her dad alive and that the GH bigwigs are going to send him off to County. They talk about how her dad wouldn't want to live like this.
Outside the nursery, Robin tells Jason that Curtis is Anna's biological father. They're both sad. Robin says that last week she sent a check to Yale because she figured Anna might want to go there someday. Damn, Robin. Way to count your human-baby-shaped chickens before they're even your chickens, or hatched, or....you know, I'm really not good at metaphors. Let me be simpler: Robin crazy, yo. Jason offers to "talk" to Curtis. Robin doesn't think it will do any good. (She's clearly forgetting that by "talk," Jason usually means "beat the shit out of," and whatever else that is it is usually effective at getting people to do what he wants.) Then she goes through a whole parade of terribles that ends with Curtis being violent with Anna. Sweet Jesus, she has gone over to the bad place. Jason is going to "see what [he] can do." Ut-oh.
Spinelli and Jolene post...having the sex. Jolene is in denial and begs Spinelli not to tell a single soul about what happened between them. Spinelli is all swoony but agrees, then rambles while tying his shoe, and when he looks up, Jolene is gone. Psycho killer, run run run run run run run away.
Billy Dee has another of his dizzy spells, and Epiphany sees it.
Leyla scrubbed in on Patrick's surgery. Who could have seen this coming?! Afterwards, they pedeconference about the surgery and talk all medical like. Robin sees them but keeps moving. Patrick tells Leyla he wants to kiss her again. She says she has too much to lose.
Dr. Lee walks past a couple of orderlies who snicker at her, at which point she totally overreacts: "Quit checking me out! Whatever it is you're thinking about, why don't you come here and say it to my face!" Yeah, because the issue isn't what they're thinking, it's their geographical location. And what you really want is the pervy guys not to respect your personal space. Good thinking, Kel!
Lupe gives birth to a baby girl, and she says Javier is going to be so angry. Regina holds the newborn like she's radioactive, then screws up the meds order Dr. Lee gave her for Lupe in a major way. If one of you has a chance, would you mind explaining why I'm supposed to care about Regina Random's crisis of confidence? Thanks!
Cut to Dr. Ford's office, where Ford (who is still working in the middle of a Saturday night, for those keeping track) puts Regina on probation and relieves her of nursing duties until further notice.
Jolene is trying to pep up Regina in the lounge but Regina is packing her stuff to leave. Regina gripes that 15-year-old (!!! - that is some serious miscasting) Lupe gets to walk out of the hospital with a baby, but she doesn't, and she would have been in her second trimester by now if she didn't have an abortion. Oh my god, I hate this show. Jolene thinks that Dr. Ford would be much more understanding of Regina's incompetence if he knew she'd had an abortion. Seriously, I hate this show. Regina says she's not telling him, and neither can Jolene. Dr. Julian overhears all this.
Spinelli literally bumps into Epiphany, while he's twirling around the hospital in post-coital glee. She bitches at him and threatens to kick him out if she ever catches him smoking the dope she knows he's smoking. Epiphany takes off as the elevator door opens to reveal Diane. The corporate/criminal/family law attorney. In a business suit. In a hospital. In the middle of a Saturday night. Spinelli creepily asks if she notices anything different about him but Diane doesn't bite and so THANK GOD we don't have to have a Spinelli-Diane convo about deflowering. She does make an awesome comment about him needing a haircut (amen, sister), but she's there to see Jason. Who has, it turns out, asked her to come to help Robin sue Curtis for custody. Robin says since Curtis didn't want kids and Stacy was HIV-positive, they must have been using protection and therefore he's probably not really Anna's father. This from the HIV-positive woman who had a pregnancy scare a couple of weeks back. Ridiculous. Oh wait, that was in the OTHER reality and therefore doesn't count. Fine. Back to suddenly insane Dr. Robin Scorpio doubting the reliability of DNA. Diane is drinking the Kool Aid and suggests they track down sperm bank records to try to establish Curtis isn't the father. Patrick walks by and sees Robin and Diane chatting. He looks a bit disgusted. Join the club, Dr. Drake. Robin says Stacy would have wanted her to raise Anna. Seriously, you knew this woman for like one one-millionth of her life! This is insanity! Diane eventually explains there's really nothing she can do.
Dr. Julian catches Regina on her way out of the hospital, personal belongings in tow, and bring her in on a procedure. Regina is worried about Dr. Ford finding out but Dr. Julian says he'll handle that.
As Diane is leaving, she sees Billy Dee and proceeds to rather hilariously fall all over him and go on about how she was a huge fan of The Saints growing up. Epiphany sees this, and given her inability to allow other human beings to experience joy, interrupts and among other things calls Diane "ancient." Diane replies back with a mini-rant that includes both a finger-point and a neck-roll. It's awesome. They get into a yelling match and Epiphany looks like she's going to beat the crap out of Diane until Jason shoves Diane into the elevator to break things up. Because mobsters are good guys, lest you forget.
Dr. Lee is still in Ford's office, and she wants to take responsibility for Regina's mistake. Dr. Ford thinks that's unwise, since Dr. Lee already dodged one bullet today, with the dismissal of the sexual harassment suit. MedCam dude chimes in wholly unnecessarily to basically call Kelly a slut, which sends her over the edge. She storms out of his office, screaming about how she's a nymphomaniac, only good for one thing. And, oh yeah, she's stripping off her clothes while she does this. She strips down to her underwear and climbs on top of the nurses' station, yelling "Listen up boys! Because today is your lucky day! Come on! Don't you want some?! Don't you want this?!" Then she collapses, sobbing. Dr. Archer runs over to cover her with his lab coat. You know, something about that scene seemed familiar. I wish I could put my finger on what it is. I'll put my thinking cap on and try to figure it out. Of course, that thing I'm thinking of was really good, and this was total crap, so maybe they're not alike after all.
Back from commercial, Andy brings Kelly her scrubs in the lounge, where she's lamenting her "career suicide." Kelly compounds the awkwardness of the morning by oversharing that she can't remember the last time she enjoyed having sex. Andy, one of the many which whom she recently had sex, looks understandably humiliated. Kelly tacks on a "no offense" to make him feel better. Is there a less sincere phrase in the English language than "no offense"? I don't think so. Anyway, he says she's using sex to blow off steam, she says no, it's the one place in her life where she feels totally in control. (I'm sure that would be a great comfort to her patients.) She refers to sex as a "dose," obviously comparing her addiction to Andy's, and then they somehow close this conversation with smiles.
Dr. Julian and Regina talk about their patient, with Dr. Julian saying loudly so Dr. Ford can hear that Regina will be scrubbing in on the surgery. When Regina asks why Dr. Julian is being so nice, he says because good nurses' are hard to come by. Which still doesn't explain why he's being so nice to Regina.
Spinelli leaves the hospital with a "goodnight, Stone Cold" for Jason, and a longing glance and "goodnight, my angel" for Jolene. She pretends not to see or hear him. I do that all the time! (Though seriously, this was a really shitty thing for the writers to do to Spinelli.)
The allegedly 15-year-old Lupe has named her baby Maria. Javier lurks outside her room.
Robin stalks the nursery again, and is informed by a new tag that Anna is now Rebecca Reitzel. She's upset.
Patrick comes into an otherwise empty OR to meet Leyla.
Patrick: I got your page. Although I'm guessing this isn't an emergency surgery.
Leyla: No. It's more, um, a matter of the heart. ::puts his hand on her chest:: I know cardio's not your area of expertise, but, um, I thought you might want to consult on this one.
Patrick: How is the patient presenting?
Leyla: She's, um, experiencing severe palpitations, and she's also complaining of regret. Something about not trusting her instincts.
Patrick: I believe treatment goes something like this ::they kiss:: How's the patient feeling now?
Leyla: Better, but definitely in need of more treatment. ::they kiss again and then get horizontal so I'm assuming they have sex, which is confirmed by the previews for next week in which he tells Robin he's sleeping with Leyla::
Oh my god, that was TERRIBLE. That was supposed to be romantic? It could not have been more cheesy if they'd rolled around in Velveeta. And not even good cheesy! It makes "I hear you have a really great sit spin" from The Cutting Edge look Shakespearian. And seriously, you really need an acting lesson or two if you can't even convince me that you're hot for Jason Thompson. No offense.
Billy Dee collapses at the nurses' station. Jason and Jolene rush to his side while Epiphany yells that somebody needs to get some help -- "Somebody!!!" I don't mean to make light of a serious moment, but since Epiphany is a nurse in an emergency room and she is at the nurses' station, isn't she the somebody who gets help for people experiencing medical emergencies?
This episode was awful, start to finish. I feel bad for the actors, especially the GH regulars, who thought they were getting a break with a spin-off and fresh stories and interesting medical plotlines, but got stuck with this garbage. It's like when my dog gets so excited to go in the car because he thinks we're going to the river to swim and that's the most awesome thing ever to have awesomed, but instead I take him to the vet and the second we pull up there he gets this look on his face that's a combination of "you bitch! you sit on a throne of lies!" and "oh no, they're going to do that thing to my butt again, aren't they?"
This gives me an idea: Can we sic a pack of dogs on the Night Shift writers?