Night Shift Episode 11: Fools In Love
PREVIOUSLY on Night Shift: Robin had her insane lil' heart stamped on when Stacy's ex came to claim his daughter and quashed her crazy plan to adopt the baby; Patrick got horizontal with Leyla; the vicious, mean-spirited writers had bumbling, awkward Spinelli lose his virginity to a serial killer; Kelly was addicted to sex, which led her to do her best Katherine Heigl impression and strip to her skivvies and announce it to the world; Andy was addicted to drugs; Regina was bad at her job, and also had an abortion in the past, which...makes it okay that she's bad at her job, at least according to Dr. Julian; Cody assaulted Lainey on a regular basis and then bonded with her over her ill father; Billy Dee Williams had a few dizzy spells and collapsed
When I realized that it was Thursday (often, this is a big revelation for me, because I am oblivious to the world 2/3 of the time and I only pay attention the remaining 1/3 after I watch a lot of Law & Order and decide that I need to pay more attention to things because it will come in handy if I ever witness a crime and need to give a statement to the police), I was excited at first because Thursday means that it's practically Friday and Thursday also means The Office and I got to rewatch Pam's adorable smile when Jim asked her for dinner, and then I realized the downside of this particular Thursday: It was my week to recap Night Shift.
There are so many things I'd prefer to do: listen to Fall Out Boy. Clean my room. Read the collected works of TS Eliot. I'd draw the line at watching Celebrity Rap Superstar, but only just.
Lord, beer me strength.
We open on a sight that would have once filled me with glee: shirtless Patrick. But this shirtless Patrick is an asshole, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I once would have. Le sigh. He's in front of his locker, which is covered with a ton of brightly colored pictures. Um, from afar, it looks kind of like he cut pictures out of BOP and Tiger Beat magazine like you do when you're in middle school. I'm not judging, I'm just observing. He meanders over to Leyla's locker and "flirts" a bit with her. He's taken aback when she refers to him as Dr. Drake, and is all "Drop the formality, sweet cheeks" (paraphrased. But, I mean, after the cheesy pickup lines we've already seen him use with Leyla, you can't tell me that's out of the realm of possibility). Robin, of course, walks in at that precise moment, to see shirtless Patrick in a towel flirting with Leyla, whose shirt is unbuttoned. Who could have seen that one coming? Without even a second glance, she sneers at them to get a room.
Spinelli gets off the elevator in front of the nurse's station, where Regina is in yet another adorable headband. She and Lauren Conrad are totally my hair accessory inspiration, as I have been totally rocking the cute headband look all week. Jolene is also at the nurse's station, and sees Spinelli and makes a hilarious "Danger, danger, Will Robinson!" face.
Spinelli walks over to Jason to chat. I feel like I already know the answer to this question, but: does Spinelli have a life? How is it possible that he has the desire just to hang out in a hospital during the middle of a Saturday night, bonding with a hitman/janitor? I know the hitman in question is the Messiah, but still, you think he maybe want to watch a movie or something. Anyway! Spinelli tries to casually ask Jason if he smells something? Jason makes a face like he does, in fact, smell something like a turd covered in burnt hair and Spinelli practically genuflects in front of him because Jason was able to smell the cologne he was wearing. So, if you're keeping a running tally of JASON'S AWESOME LIST OF AWESOME SKILLS, please add "Keen sense of smell" to the list. Spinelli confirms that he is wearing the cologne to aid in his courting of his fair angel of mercy or whatever. Jolene is watching the above unfold, and Epiphany sidles up behind her and yells at her to get back to work and stop watching. Spinelli continues that he's at the hospital to talk to Jolene, and actually do more than talk. Jason makes a hilarious "..." expression. Indeed, Jason. Indeed.
Pip barges into Billy Dee's room to fawn over him some more, but he's not there. Wacky! Where could he be? She finds him--mopping in the hallway! Zany!
Up in the nursery, The Artist Formerly Known as Anna is being cute, as Robin watches her from outside. Jason walks up to the window, and Robin bitterly complains that the baby's father left specific instructions not to let her hold the baby. Um, "Burn"? No offense, Robin, but, uh, I totally see where he's coming from on that one. She angrily says "She knows me. She misses me. I don't care what her name is, I'm not going to abandon her. As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
The credits. Oh, geez, remember the first episode, where Robin and Patrick were in love, and in the shower together? Those were good times. I was so optimistic then. Didn't we almost have it all?
"My name is Kelly, and I am addicted to sex". Kelly is practicing her admission with Andy, and she says she'll be laughed out of the room when she makes that admission. She'll presumably be making it at a meeting in front of other sex addicts, though, so I don't know what her point is. Andy snarks that if she's so nervous, she should give up and go find a stranger to have sex with...assuming that any such strangers exist. Meow! Andy's a bitch. He says she's hiding in her work. She's like, "No duh, really?!" He reminds her that last week's meltdown was abnormal. How abnormal can it be if the same thing happens in Seattle AND Upstate New York?!
Out of nowhere, they are at the nurse's station, loudly continuing this very private conversation. She expresses her bafflement that he wants her to go to sexaholics anonymous, because it sounds like a punchline to a dirty joke. He tells her that's what her career is right now. Wow, he's fast and furious with the bon mots. Spinelli overhears this conversation and, rather than doing the proper thing and excusing himself when he hears something he shouldn't, continues to stand there and listen. Andy reminds Kelly that she'll need to go 90 days without sex, and she's all "What, bitch? You don't think I can even go 90 minutes!" and stalks away. Regina sneaks up on Spinelli and accuses him of spying. He says that he accidentally eavesdropped on a conversation about sex addiction. She immediately knows that he's talking about Kelly. He politely says that he's not a gossip monger, so he can't confirm or deny, but he wonders if you can really get addicted to sex. This has bad afterschool special written all over it.
In Lainey's dad's room, Lainey sits sadly. Patrick walks in and reports that there is no change. Lainey helpfully fills the audience in and says that machines are the only thing keeping him alive. Patrick tells her to go home and get some rest (this is a rare moment when he's not an asshole on this show but, instead, very sweet and supportive. You know like he was before the writers decided to decimate his character for no reason) She has a soliloquy about how when there's life, there's hope, but hope can hurt worse than grief.
In Billy Dee's room, Epiphany lectures him and says that he has to get some rest. Jason sprints in, saying that he was paged (?). Pip angrily wonders where he's been and accuses him of lollygagging. She starts to rage at him loudly, until Billy Dee tells her to step off. Jason says he'll make sure all the work gets done, and she snarls that he better. Spinelli bumbles in to talk to either "Stone Cold" or "The Wise One", and Epiphany turns on him in a fit of fury, and accuses him of wanting to give Billy Dee a seizure. She tells him Jason has to work and Spinelli has to let him, and if he interferes in any way, she will throw him out of the hospital. She is so angry at this point that I wouldn't be surprised if she threatened to tear him limb from limb. Spinelli wonders why "The formidable Epiphany" is taking such an interest in Billy Dee.
Regina and Dr. Julian talk. It's a battle of the printed hair accessories, what with her floral headband and his ugly surgical cap. He requests that Regina work with him on a case and she's not allowed to protest because "I'm a doctor. I'm telling you what to do. Go do it". Charming! She demurs and says Ford put her on probation, but he says that Ford is too busy with MedCam to babysit her. Which is all well and good except that Ford is, like, three feet away and can clearly hear this whole conversation.
Robin breezes up to the nurse's station and addresses Leyla as "Nurse Leyla" (hee!) and says a supply closet needs to be cleaned. Leyla says she'll call a janitor and Robin is all, "Actually, you're a student nurse. You'll do it. Because I said so". Patrick sees this scene, and accuses Robin, in no particular order, of being petty, unprofessional and crazy. That's a case of the hot pot calling the adorable kettle...something bad. He wonders what the hell is wrong with her, and it's like, read the recaps, Patrick: she's become obsessed with adopting a baby she has absolutely no legal or sane right to, and she's also a little pissed that you moved on approximately three nanoseconds after your breakup with the student nurse you've been eyeing since the first episode. Keep up, dude! He tells her not to punish Leyla just because he's sleeping with her. Robin obviously didn't know their relationship had gone to that level, but she recovers well and snarks that once Leyla is done cleaning the supply closet, the pair of them can put it to good use.
Not Evil Dr. Ford walks into Lainey's dad's room and she remarks that he's right on time. He's all "Duh" because he's always on time. I love a punctual person. Dr. Ford tries to gently tell Lainey that her insurance is running out and that her dad is going to have to be transferred. He feels very badly that they couldn't do more. He darkly adds, "I understand what it's like when medicine fails the one you love". Gee, I wonder if that apparent throwaway line means that Dr. Ford lost someone he loves and that's why he now has such a gruff exterior. He leaves, and Cody was apparently lurking outside, because he waltzes in as soon as Ford leaves and says "That doesn't sound good". Instead of calling security and telling them that the creepy guy who follows her around and threatens her with physical violence is stalking her, Lainey cries and confides him that sometimes she feels like she'll turn around and see her father standing, dignified, and telling her that this had to stop and she has to let him god. Aww, Lainey! Kent King is a really good actress. It's a pity that the OG GH refuses to use her and give her a substantial storyline. They won't even write for her twice a month! It's not fair.
Elsewhere, Ford approaches Regina, who interrupts him and says "I know what you're going to say". Wait, let me guess what happens next: she's going to say something and get really emotional, but it won't be what he's going to say at all, and he'll actually say something nice! She rants that she knows she's on probation and shouldn't be treating patients, but that Dr. Julian gave her an order and she's following, damn it, and she won't let her race down (??!!??) and Ford mildly tells her he was going to let her know she is off of probation. OMG, how did I ever guess that's what would happen?!
Time for some high comedy in Billy Dee's room.
Billy Dee: What is that smell?
Spinelli: Perhaps you are referring to the Jackal's cologne
Billy Dee: ...perhaps I am.
Words don't do it justice: the look on Billy Dee Williams's face during this scene was hilarious. Spinelli wonders if he can ask a question and it's like, really, even if BDW said no, would he listen? He spinellis that Billy Dee no doubt had tons of groupie action during his rocker years and wonders if he was receptive to some of his female fans and, if so, did he ever think he was getting addicted? Billy Dee is confused. He says that he had his fair share of road ass (well, he says it in a more genteel fashion), but he wouldn't classify it as addicted. "Why do you ask?" Ultra casually, Spinelli says "No reason". Billy Dee sighs heavily, evidently asking the heavens "Why am I stuck in a hospital room with this nutbar?"
Andy sprints to his special room to get a hint. Jolene lurks behind him, with the obvious intent to maim or kill him. She pauses for a moment outside the door, and Jason appears out of nowhere. He's like the sidler on the Merv Griffin episode of Seinfeld, he's just there, out of nowhere! She snaps at him and wants to know what he's doing there; taken aback (which I understand, because she's never spoken to him without cartoon hearts flying out of her head), he says he's been assigned to that floor and wants to know if her key works, and if not, does she need his help? Please add "Locksmith" to JASON'S AWESOME LIST OF AWESOME SKILLS. She babbles that she wasn't thinking about the key, she was thinking about him and she hearts him, but she's gotten the feeling that he's avoiding her ever since she asked him to go bowling. Does it actually count as avoiding if you barely interact with each other in the first place? He tells her that Spinelli likes her a lot, and she freaks out that it's such a cliche, the hero isn't interested but wants to set her up with his friend. He apologizes, and she stalks away. Geez, Bipolar Barney, calm down. When she's sure Jason is gone, she goes back into Andy's room. How hilarious is it that Jason just saved Andy's life for a brief moment, without knowing or trying? That's how good he is! Inside, she ups Andy's dosage, and dramatic music plays.
Nurse's station: Dr. Julian asks Regina where Andy is, and she says he's not answering pages. Leo vows to never work with Andy again. Kelly overhears this exchange, and, concerned, rushes up and breaks into Andy's den o' drugs. No, really, she literally breaks in. She turns the light on and finds him unconscious, leading to a hysterical freakout "You moron! You stupid junkie! Why can't you stop yourself? I learned it from you, dad!"
A depressed Patrick is sitting on the floor. Leyla walks up and sits next to him. She confirms that she cleaned the supply closet and did a damn good job of it. He's not surprised because she does everything well. Obviously, he's not taking "acting" or "interacting with humans" or "updating hairstyle" into the equation, here. He gives her test results and asks her to tell him/the audience what they say. A mystery patient has an inoperable cerebral aneurysm. He says he used to make it a point not to care about patients because he thought it made him a better doctor, and he wishes he didn't care now.
A quick cut takes us to Billy Dee's room. I wonder, could it be that Billy Dee is the patient Patrick is talking about? Hmm...Epiphany hopes Spinelli didn't tire him out and hopes he didn't ask him about his singing career, and she says it in a tone of voice that clearly says "Because if he did? I will gut him like a fish". But then, she brightly uses that as a segue and asks where his favorite place to perform was. How many times does the man need to say he doesn't like talking about his past as a musician before Epiphany will understand it? He says it was the Regal in Chicago. She giggles like a schoolgirl and flirtatiously says that she wishes he'd sing "Broken Hearted" now. He says it's bad luck. She pouts. He adds that he's no good without his backup.
Another quick cut, this time to Jason and Spinelli. Spinelli freakishly sprints through the hallway to talk to Jason, who gruffly tells him that he's working. Spinelli whines "Can't you walk and dispense wisdom at the same time?"
Spinelli: Okay. Have you heard the rumors about Kelly Lee?
Jason: (Aghast) She...came onto you?
HA! I love--no, wait! STOP! STOP BEING FUNNY AND CHARMING, JASON! STOP IT!
Spinelli says he's more interested in the nature of her addiction because he fears that he, too, is addicted to sex. Jason manhandles him and pushes him into a room. I think for a minute that he's going to throw him out the window which, hey, would make Epiphany happy, but, alas, it's just so they can talk in private. Because I guess the abandoned hallway was too crowded. Jason says he had no idea Spinelli was concerned about being addicted to sex, and Spinell fills him in on the sexcapades in, I quote, "the now sacred confines of OR 4". Shut up, Spinelli. Jason looks both baffled and disgusted and, hilariously, has his hand on his heart like this whole thing has given him the vapors. STOP IT STEVE BURTON! JUST STOP IT! Spinelli says that sex is better than orange soda, BBQ chips AND, some video game thing, which he was unaware of before. Jason is all "..." In the grossest scene yet, Spinelli tells us all, and ruins my entire week in the process, that he has a series of Jolene fantasies: doctor/nurse, etc. Jason is completely grossed out, and tells him to focus on something else, like creating a new level on his video game. Spinelli dramatically says that he cannot, for he is now aware that the real world cab be better than the cyber universe. I'm sorry, I find this whole story ridiculous and repulsive.
In Lainey's dad's room, she tells her father that she's going for a walk to get some fresh air, and wishes he could come. Way to kick a man when he's down, Lainey! Cody is still lurking in the hallway, and shadily walks in to the room, checking behind him to make sure that no one saw. He says "I know what you want, sire" and proceeds to pull the plug on Mr. Winters, using his bandana to cover up fingerprints. Between this and Bret Michaels, I am beginning to think no good can ever come of bandanas. Cody salutes Mr. Winters and leaves the room, throwing the bandana out in the hallway, which Lainey sees. She sees that her father's machines are off, and tells the nurses who rush in that it's a DNR and just to let him go.
At this point, I realized that the show was only half over and damn near stabbed myself.
Andy tells Kelly that he has no idea how his near overdose happened, because he's always careful when he gets high on the job. In a hospital. Where he has the lives of others in his hands. He thinks someone is trying to kill him, because this happened once before. She is very anti-drugs. You know, I don't often take advice from Amy Winehouse, but she thinks that smoking weed is better than sex, and "does more than any dick did", so maybe Kelly should just toke up instead of having sex with random men. Just a thought! She's furious that this has happened before and rages, "Do you hear yourself? You're an addict, Andy, that's what they call it when you can't stop doing something to save your life". Hey! Andy can see Kelly's addiction, and Kelly can see Andy's, but they can't see their own! This show is so subtle!
Regina and Leo: he's charming and adorable, and she tells him she's off probation. There's boring talk about Dr. Ford's respect of Leo, or his lack thereof, and Regina wants to know why he helped her. Once, he lost a patient with the same condition as Maxie (No, really?! I never would have guessed), but decided to stick with medicine just to show his parents that he doesn't bail out when the going gets tough. Which...what...how does that have anything to do with Regina? She's a terrible nurse and deserved to be put on probation. And didn't he only give her a second chance because he heard that she had an abortion? Why don't people at this hospital actually get punished for their screwups, by the way? Regina's probation lasted half a second and people are practically apologizing to her for having to do it. And then Leyla left a woman on an elevator with a hitman/janitor and his weirdo sidekick, and we get told every episode that she's the best nurse in the history of nursing. They really don't need Jolene going around killing people, because GH is obviously incompetent enough on its own.
Jolene is in a hospital room and Spinelli appears out of nowhere. Way to get rid of that "stalker" label, Spin. He tries to flirt/offer her sex and she shuts him down and says she can't. He tries to ask her to go out for breakfast, obviously forgetting that asking women out for breakfast on this show never ends well, and lets it slip that Jason knows they did the deed. She is furious and leaves Spinelli, who looks depressed.
MedCam is in Lainey's dad's room and overacts wildly, saying that obviously, there was foul play, just like Mrs. Storch. "You've got a mercy killer on the loose!" Whoa down, Foghorn Leghorn. A security guard brings a handcuffed Cody in and Dr. Ford interrogates him as to his whereabouts when Mr. Winters died. Lainey provides Cody with an alibi, as you do to the people who routinely attack you. This show has some fucked up views of right and wrong and cute and creepy.
In their lair of evil, MedCam and Jolene convene. He congratulates her on killing Roger Winters, but she says it must have been someone else, since she was too busy trying to kill Andy. MedCam says killing Andy is not good enough, because that will just look like the accidental death of a drug addicted lunatic; they are looking for a case of negligence, so that GH gets blamed. One more fatality is all MedCam needs to take over.
Patrick enters Billy Dee's room and Epiphany, FINALLY locating her sense of tact, offers to leave, but Billy Dee tells her to stay. He obviously has Stockholm Syndrome. Patrick gives him the diagnosis: cerebral aneurysm, sensitive area. Surgery may not work. Billy Dee mulls this over.
Jason and Spinelli: blah blah, Jolene wanted their liaison (hee! Liaison! I kill me) to be a secret, but Spinelli has a big mouth, blah blah. Throughout, Jason looks like he wants to die. Word, Jason. Spinelli realizes that Jolene feels badly because she likes Jason and since Jason knows about her and Spinelli, they will never be together. Or something. I am past the point of caring.
Curtis storms by, angrily screaming, "What the hell is going on? Where is my daughter?" Jason looks concerned. Or hungry.
Andy awkwardly asks Regina if Dr. Julian used another anesthesiologist (he did) and if Kelly is planning on using another one (she is). Curtis storms up and demands to know where Robin is and what's going on. The social worker, who apparently works round the clock, tries to make excuses for Robin. Leyla offers to page Robin, but Curtis rages that she won't answer, since she's too busy kidnapping his baby.
Elsewhere, Andy and Kelly fight about which addiction is worse: sex or drugs? I think this show is worse than both of them. She says he shouldn't be using in the first place because he could, hypothetically, nod off and paralyze some woman. He counters that he'd be doing that while Kelly sleeps with her husband. She tells him that he'll overdose and she'll have sex with someone in his honor. Well, it's much more original than the traditional flower arrangement. She threatens to tell Dr. Ford.
Mr. Winters's room: Ford says that MedCam will pursue the case just to make GH look bad. When he leaves, Cody approaches out of nowhere (stop that, creepy!) Lainey is sad that she didn't get to kiss him goodbye; Cody apologizes. She says "Don't be sorry" (...) and that her dad was her hero. She knows it's selfish, but she wishes he wasn't gone.
Spinelli and Jolene: she tells him sleeping with him was a one time thing. He tells her he knows she's not interested in him, because she prefers Jason. She ruefully says that Jason isn't interested in her, and Spinelli, after she leaves, sadly says "And you're not interested in me". I'm so glad we had that scene, because I never got any of that from the previous 10 episodes of this show!
MedCam, Curtis and Dr. Ford convene. Curtis yells that he wants "the bitch" arrested. Patrick angrily walks up and lets him have it. Patrick yells that now he knows why Stacy didn't want Curtis to know about the baby and tells him to sit down, shut up and wait, because Robin will bring the baby back "not that you deserve her".
(a) Aww, he's got Robin's back! Even though he's sexing up a student nurse and generally treating Robin like crap for the past ten weeks, he still defends her
(b) Double you tee eff? Why on earth is he defending Robin?! I mean, was it the use of the word bitch that threw him off? Derogatory terms are never nice, but Curtis is talking about a woman who took his baby out of the nursery even though he specifically left instructions that he wants Robin to have nothing to do with his child. That is creepy. Robin is creepy and wrong here. And she's never been anything but bitchy to Curtis, so I think he was well within his rights as Rebecca's father to call her whatever he wants to call her.
(c)"Not that you deserve her"? What the hell does that even mean? You know who doesn't deserve the baby? The woman who knew the baby's mother for, like, five days and obviously didn't know her well enough to get the true story of how the baby was conceived.
I HATE THIS SHOW.
Speaking of Robin, she's on the roof with the baby, bidding her farewell. I have to say that I find this entire scene to be completely creepy, as written, and Kimberly McCullough is the only thing keeping this from total horror movie territory. She tells Rebecca to have an amazing life, to believe in herself, to learn from her mistakes and not to be afraid to give away her heart, even if it gets broken. I am very distracted by how large this child is. Jason walks up onto the roof and sees her holding the baby in front of the crappy CGI skyline. He lets her know that Curtis is totally bugging and she says she had planned to bring the baby back before anyone noticed she was gone. Jason is all, "Hey, we all kidnap from time to time, it's cool". She's sad that it's the last time that she'll see her, and Jason (who, in case you don't remember, has his own experience being separated from a baby) says he knows how it feels to try to memorize the feel of the baby breathing and the shape of their face, just to have something to hold onto when they're gone. Robin says there's a theory that early childhood memories come back to you in your dreams, and she hopes that if the baby dreams about her that she'll know how much Robin loves her. I wonder if Michael ever has dreams about living in a cottage with Jason, Carly and Robin where Carly was insane and Robin was treated like crap on a regular basis. That could be awkward.
In Billy Dee's room, Epiphany tells him that they'll start on tests ASAP. He doesn't care, he just wants to get out of bed. She'll assign a student nurse to stay with him rather than doing it herself. She knows she's been acting like a fawning fan, and he tells her that maybe "Broken Hearted" isn't bad luck after all; maybe it's good to have your last song be your best? He starts to hum the song, and she joins in, singing. For a second, he stares at her, like, "Can't a dying man have one moment in the sun?", but he joins in and they sing together. He beams at her.
Hey, this is the song for our montage! It's actually lovely; Sonya Eddy has a very nice voice.
- Robin sadly brings Rebecca to Curtis, who is remarkably calm and manages not to attack her. He sneers, which, you know, he has EVERY RIGHT TO DO, but I think we're supposed to think he's mean. Robin has the blessing of Jason in this situation, so she's obviously in the right. She takes a deep, sad breath
- Leyla shuts her locker, to expose Patrick standing there. He rubs her shoulder, and they kiss.
- Lainey looks into her father's empty room. Cody stares at her creepily, and then holds her as she cries
- Kelly and Andy exchange meaningful glances as they wash their hands and prep for surgery
- Regina wheels Billy Dee out of his room in a wheelchair. Epiphany rests her head against the wall and cries
- Spinelli sadly walks to the elevator. Jolene watches him. Jason watches Jolene watching Spinelli and stares blankly
- Jolene runs into an empty room and starts angrily throwing things before breaking down in tears. Jason follows her and watches from outside
- Patrick and Leyla have sex. It's about as romantic as watching a show about animal mating rituals on the Discovery Channel
- Robin cries, alone, on the roof in front of the CGI sunrise
This show is insane. It's like it was specifically engineered to be awful, because being this bad takes a lot of effort.
You know, I was going to bitch about how much this show sucks and how Patrick and Leyla are so bad together that they could replace Leyla with a Christy Turlington cutout and the acting would IMPROVE, and how Robin's spiral into the land of whackadoos is horrible, and how Spinelli gets WAY too much time on the OG GH and he really doesn't need to be the focal point of Night Shift, and how they really dropped the ball on _______ Barrett and how Billy Dee must be begging IMDB to take this off of his credits. You might have seen me post a much longer rant here, but when I saw that it this recap was 23 pages in Word, I decided to cut down on the bile a little bit and also help prevent readers from going blind and sum it up succinctly: this show is an asshole.