Serial Drama

It's the Writing, Stupid

In the latest issue of Soap Opera Digest, there's an article called "How To Save Soaps."  I highly recommend checking it out, because it gives a bit of fascinating insight into the people who run the daytime industry.  Be forewarned, though, that reading it may make you think that So You Want To Ruin Soaps... is an actual book written by soap execs.  Here are a couple of the bigwigs' suggestions for rescuing the genre:

"The hope is definitely to cross-platform and drive people who watch WORLD TURNS to INTURN and vice-versa. . . . That's part of the original concept:  put ourselves out there and reach an audience who don't necessarily watch the show, but are online watching original programming."  - Richard Mensing, VP of CBS Daytime East Coast

"When you talk to viewers, especially women, who've stopped watching, the majority of the time they say it's because their life changed . . . When I look at my business, which is making about 750 hours of soap opera a year, my job is to make sure as many see these shows as possible, whether that's on ABC or DVR of ABC, or SOAPnet, or a DVR of SOAPnet, and hopefully one day online, on your mobile phone or whatever."  - Brian Frons, President, Daytime, Disney-ABC Television Group

I just . . . seriously?!  The problem with soaps, as far as I can tell, and as I've already likely alienated a good percentage of SOD's readership by saying, is that they're just not as good anymore.  They lost the giants of soap writing and are now passing around head writing jobs to the same handful of people over and over again, and unsurprisingly very little fresh and creative stories emerge as a result.   I don't pretend this is scientific, but how many people do you know who would say "I would totally watch soaps, if only I could do so on my cell phone," versus how many would say "I would watch soaps if they didn't suck"?

There were some insightful comments, however:

"Here we are again thinking, 'Well, how are you going to get the kids to watch?'  Just tell great story.  Great story is timeless. . . . I know the numbers are down, but all you need is one person at a time.  And you can't underestimate them or let them down."  - Robin Strasser

"I don't think that it's the lifestyle changes and all of those things that we blamed it on for years. . . . So many of the prime-time shows have become serialized, feeding that hunger for that kind of programming and it just absolutely says the form has not died.  These shows are losing people because the audience just doesn't care anymore.  The product, by and large, has to be fantastic in order to survive." - Michael Logan

I agree with Michael Logan.*  I feel icky.  Quick, someone get me an episode of mid-90s GH to cheer me up.  But only if it's via a mobile phone.  What are you, Amish?

* D'oh!  I'm a moron (with a bad headache) and confused Michaels.  My bad.  Thanks to andemcbeal for pointing out my gaffe.  I don't really know much about Logan.  And I do feel better now that I can continue to loathe the dude on I Wanna Be a Soap Star.  Not that I watch it.

Love is a Four Letter Word

There aren't many times that I don't love Kendall. I think I adore her 94% of the time; the other six percent of the time, she loses points for giving her eldest son a dumbassed name, or entertaining positive thoughts towards Ryan, or scheming for evil, not awesome.

Also, when she's doing something like TELLING BABE THAT SHE LOVES HER.

Babe as in Arabella "Babe" Carey, not Babe Ruth, or Babe The Pig. I heartily endorse the love of both of those upstanding citizens. But BABE?!

Double you tee eff?!

I know that I am completely irrational when it comes to holding a grudge. Like, in first grade, Sean Moloney once told me that I was so tall that I should go in the dryer to shrink. And I haven't forgotten! I realize that this is my deep rooted emotional issue and I shouldn't expect functional members of society to agree with my grudge holding, but I thought I could always count on Kendall to keep the hate flag flying, because if there is anything that Kendall does, it's hold a grudge.

And, okay, I understand that being a mother changes you and makes you reevaluate your priorities and I'm sure that if your children were in mortal peril, you'd want to be a really good person and spend all of your energy wishing for them to get better and that's all well and good, but there are certain things that should never, ever be forgiven!

Here's a handy list to use for reference. If someone does any of the following, do not forgive them:

• Babynapping your child or the child of someone you love
• Attempting to murder you
• Murdering a close family member or friend
• Getting involved in a coverup to keep the person who attempted to kill you/murdered a close family member or friend from going to jail
• Burying you alive
• Wearing Crocs

So automatically, Babe's destruction of the Kane family qualifies her for unforgivable status (though she'd get added to my own unforgivable list based solely upon the smug facial expressions she makes). I long for the days that Kendall would unleash a rant of complete and utter vitriol whenever she saw Babe or Krystal anywhere. I'd be okay even if she just glared at them all the time, and occasionally called them nasty names, if she couldn't throw out and out tantrums at the sight of them breathing. But love?!

"I love you"! "I love...hating you", sure. "I love...kicking you in the shins on a daily basis", of course. But "I love you"? No!

I don't understand the Babe jones that the AMC writers have. I knew Megan McTavish was twisted, and I chalked her Babe love up to a severe emotional disturbance, but the new writers love her too? So much so that they can't bear to have anyone hate her and have Kendall, the biggest hater of them all, not only bury the hatchet, but declare her love for Babe? I call foul!

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Our September Soap Opera Digest Column

We hope that you were all able to check out the 9/18 issue of Soap Opera Digest. The cover had everything you could possibly hope for: shirtless James Scott! Pretty Megan Ward! Steve Burton looking like someone just asked him the square root of 49! For our September My Take/My Take, Too  column, we turned our hypercritical eyes to two of the most disappointing soaps: General Hospital: Night Shift and All My Children.

Becca discusses the tragic trajectory of NS and wonders how the powers-that-be managed to screw up a full hour of television centered around Patrick and Robin, let alone why they decided to waste Billy Dee Williams the way they have. Mallory was in mourning, trying to cope with pain of Greenlee losing her charm, Spike and Ian in peril, and Jonathan Lavery's continued presence in Pine Valley.

Dear Days, I Still Have Some Questions

Dear Days of Our Lives,

These days, you are mostly awesome.  Really!  I'm impressed.  I'm sure you're worried, getting a letter like this, because sometimes my letters to soaps are a bit on the rageaholic side.  But, as you should every day, be thankful you are not General Hospital and are instead on an upward trajectory, towards being routinely fabulous.  Because I am all about helping people, though, I have to tell you that there are some things I still find puzzling.  I think if you work through them they should really help you on your road to recovery [from the James E. Reilly era].

Anyway, as in the past, I'll pose some questions.

Why did the hottest scene you've had in years take place between two characters who died before I Love Lucy premiered?

I am enjoying the Santo and Colleen cheese-fest, but I think maybe you should consider casting some new leads in the 30-ish range, because otherwise, what do you plan to do, have the two you have just appear in seven different stories simultaneously?  On the other hand, that's seven times the James Scott, so . . . carry on!  I anxiously await their flapper/bootlegger tale, and the heartwarming story of two crazy kids who fall for each other against a backdrop of the Industrial Revolution.

Why can't you retire the "If they're adopted it's totally fine!" rule?

Because, yeah, they have good chemistry, but it's still "Stephanie seems totally hot for her Uncle Max!"  Which, you know, isn't ideal.

Are Steve and Kayla going to have some scenes together anytime soon, just the two of them (sans Pocket)?  Because I don't know whether you'd heard, but they used to be kind of popular, and the actors have a tiny bit of chemistry when they're onscreen at the same time.

Why is Jeremy? 

That's it:  Why is Jeremy?

(Doesn't that screencap look a little bit like the cover of one of those adventure books you read as a kid?  Like, The Happy Hollisters and the Case of the Curious Caller?)

Love in the Afternoon

Is it just me, or has Y&R been seriously icky lately?

Like, I know that expecting LML & Co. to write a compelling romance is like holding out hope that I'm going to open my door tomorrow and find Christian Bale on the doorstep all, "I really do love you! Please accept this lifetime supply of Twizzlers as a symbol of my devotion", but I was a fool, thinking that surely there would be some good love stories to balance out the bad.

I repeat: I was a fool.

Night Shift Episode 10: Falling Star

Previously, the people who run General Hospital once again stomped on the hearts of soap lovers everywhere by completely screwing up what could have been a really good show but instead is a pointless, boring, and occasionally offensive piece of crap drama whose only claim to fame if there is any justice in the television world will be that it managed to alienate more fanbases in 13 weeks than anyone had previously thought possible.

Oh, on the actual show?  Robin and Patrick, around whom this show was supposed to be built, were really annoying for eight weeks and then they broke up.  Robin had a serious case of the baby rabies (thanks, Mallory, for introducing me to that phrase), and decided to adopt the baby of a woman she'd known for less time than it takes me to buy a really good-fitting pair of jeans.  Jason was uncharacteristically charming and sympathetic; I think the industrial cleaning supplies might have caused a new kind of brain damage, and I therefore want Sonny to get sentenced to community service as a janitor too.  Patrick kissed Leyla on the roof, treating us to Jason Thompson's first chemistry-less romantic interaction of his two-year tenure as Patrick.  Dr. Kelly Lee slept with...well, a whole lot of people, and is clearly coping with some kind of childhood abuse, but in the meantime one of her conquests slapped the hospital with a sexual harassment lawsuit.  Jolene turned out to be a serial killer working for MedCam, the big evil corporation that wants to devalue GH so it can buy it on the cheap.  And it turned out Robin didn't know her "good friend" Stacy that well, because Stacy's ex-boyfriend Curtis showed up to claim his daughter despite Stacy's story to Robin that she'd used an anonymous sperm donor. 

Also, Maxie flatlined like 26 times but is now out and about in Port Charles, and Cooper -- who apparently never visited her in the hospital -- hasn't been seen since the first episode.  There is a mysterious ______ Barrett character lurking around the hospital after being severely burned, and much to our horror we suspected she's supposed to be a recast Brenda, but nothing has happened with her in weeks.  Neither of these stories was featured on this episode, which is just as well, because I like Maxie and don't want her associated with this, and more ______ Barrett would have upped the suckage level to a point where I don't think we have the instrumentation to measure.

I really don't understand this show.  It blatantly rips off elements of other, more successful and entertaining shows but manages to make even those elements crappy, it's so boring that sometimes I think I'm watching a repeat when I'm not, nobody I know likes or fesses up to watching it, yet the ratings are good and they're talking about doing another season of it.  Night Shift is the soap opera equivalent of Nickelback.

Aaaanyway, you really want to know what happened in the tenth episode though, huh?  Oh, all right.

The Horror! The Horror!

On August 10th, I casually mentioned

The goddamn clown is still laughing like a maniac. He tells Patrick and Jolene that he laughs uncontrollably 20 or 30 times a day and during these laughing fits, his arms flail about. Honestly, that visual is absolutely terrifying. I can't think of anything more horrifying than that.

That's all it was: a casual comment. I guess it's my own fault for putting something like that out in the universe, but that's all it was, just an aside. It was NOT a challenge to see what could possibly be more horrifying than a clown prone to random fits of insane laughter, Hogan Sheffer! But, you know, CONGRATULATIONS for topping the terror of that Night Shift episode.

Because you know what's more terrifying than the unhinged Night Shift clown? Andre DiMera dressed as a clown on a mission to murder Sami. THAT IS NOT OKAY. That's, like, a plot specifically designed to give innocent members of the viewing audience a severe case of PTSD. And by innocent members of the viewing audience, I mean me.

...I...???...I have no words for today's episode of Days. I just don't. I'm speechless. I'm never speechless; on the contrary, I'm often prone to babbling whenever I'm shocked or happy or sad or angry or confused. So, you know, when I'm awake, I'm babbling. But Days managed to put me into a catatonic stupor. And you know, I had never disliked Thaao Penghlis in any way before. I thought he was cheesy and I wished he would lay off the Tang and carrot diet, but that was it. Now, though? I'm not going to be able to enjoy any flirting with Anna or riding horses into morning rooms because I'm going to be too worried that Thaao Penghlis is hiding in the bushes, waiting to cannibalize my brain. It's sad. So now he joins the ranks of Tim Curry and Willard Scott as innocent people who I will now always be suspicious because of their unfortunate association with clowns (You think I'm kidding, but I always have to change the channel when Williard Scott wishes a happy birthday to 108 year olds in Kentucky. I mean, part of that is because he's senile, but most of it is the clown connection). So thanks for that, Hogan. TONY ON  HORSE was all I had for a while, and you took it away from me. Great. Thanks.

Unless all of the above was a cunning plan to distract me from the Stephanie/Max and Belle/Shawn scenes, since if I am hysterical, I won't be able to obsess about how icky the Stephanie/Max nice/uncle hookup is or how Belle and Shawn are so lame that I'm more entertained by CBS sitcoms, in which case...well played, Hogan. Well played.

(Um, if any of you need me, I'll be around all night, afraid to sleep, staring suspiciously at my bedroom door. Cheers!)

And They Don't Call Cabs Because . . .?

What is going on in Hollywood?  Another soap star gets in on the drunk driving trend:  Sean Kanan got arrested for DUI (his second). 

Maybe he's just going all Method and trying to get the role of AJ back?  If so, he should really be careful around meat hooks, and his passenger should be on the lookout for symptoms of a serious head injury, which include:  becoming excessively attached to t-shirts and leather jackets, expressing emotion through elaborate blinking patterns, and deciding to kill people for a living.

(Like Mallory, I feel the need to apologize for reading TMZ.  But if you ignore the ridiculous headlines, the regular inaccuracies, the general writing style, and the inane comments, it's a decent source of celeb news!  And where else would you see the phrase "fetus fib" used in a sentence?)

FYI

Here's the thing: when a character is imprisoned for a crime they did not commit, it's incredibly soapy and dramatic and you rage against the machine for putting them in jail and you rejoice when they come out.

But when a character is convicted of a crime that they ACTUALLY COMMITTED, it's sort of hard to swallow them being treated like some sort of martyr who has no reason at all to be in that horrible nasty prison because...just, because!

I'm not sure that the Y&R writing staff actually gets this, so I am just going to say it bluntly: Phyllis is not, I repeat NOT, Jesus.

You'd think it would be common sense that a scheming, lying, paternity test falsifying attempted murderer would not be mistakable for a messiah, but lately it's apparent that the powers-that-be don't know the difference.

In their own words...

Nick: Yeah, she was on the phone when she wasn't supposed to be, and, uh, now she lost her phone privileges.

Michael: For how long?

Nick: I don't know. I didn't even get to tell her that her daughter isn't sick anymore

Ohmigod, you mean to tell me that if you don't follow the rules in jail, you lose privileges? Shocking! Poor Phyllis! How was she supposed to know that this was the case? Prison has such a reputation for being a nonstop party, I can see where they all got confused.