Our Long National Follicular Nightmare
So this really, really disturbing thing started happening over the summer. Thanks to 13 hours of television viewing I'll never get back and am therefore trying to forget, and his hilarious reactions to and frustration with Damian Spinelli on both that craptastic show and its daytime originator, I . . . deep, cleansing breath . . . started to sporadically like Jason Morgan again.
I know, I know. Please don't shun me.
Since clearly I cannot become a fangirl of a character who kills people for money yet is held up as the moral center of a once-great soap, I set about trying to turn around this developing affection. And I had to look no further than my hard drive. My rage and disgust were restored after a brief perusal of a folder I call "IbegofyouSteveBurtonCUTYOURGODDAMNEDHAIR." A few of the images stored in that terrifying electronic locale:
Perhaps only Jude Law's hairline has provided a more confusing and terrifying scalp-related progression over the last several years.
I understand from readers here that Steve Burton is growing his hair out for a movie role as a cowboy. I have several questions about this alleged film:
1) When will he have time to shoot it, since the writers are incapable of writing more than a day's worth of GH episodes without Jason?
2) Does the cowboy supplement his cowboy-ing income with a Farrah Fawcett drag act in the evenings?
3) Does feathered hair significantly increase one's cow-roping or horse-riding abilities? Because if so I should have been entering lots of rodeos and equestrian competitions in the third grade.
4) Does the world really need another western movie?
5) What do the producers have against wigs?
6) Is it going to win him an Oscar? Because anything short of that will totally not have been worth the damage done to the viewing public by a year and half of these visual assaults.
7) When it's over and Steve Burton finally cuts his hair, what if there is like a reverse-Samson effect and I lose my strength, namely my ability to make fun of General Hospital and all things associated with it?
Oh my god, worse yet, what if he cuts his hair and then I go back to thinking he's hot and it happens in the same week that Jason has a reaction like this again to something stupid that Spinelli does, and I am forced to consider overlooking the fact that he's a murderer for hire because he's cute and makes me laugh occasionally?! You will line up to shun me!
STAY STRONG, STEVE. Just say no to scissors.
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.