The Young and the...Gouda? Brie? It's Cheesy, Is What I'm Saying
The other day, the Lifetime Movie Network was showing the classic Dying to Belong, and I simply had to watch. How can you go wrong with a movie that features Hilary Swank losing her best friend, Six from Blossom, to a sinister group of sorority sisters including Elliot from Scrubs and crazy Laura on 90210/the old Carrie on Days, whose cruel hazing rituals lead to Six's death and a shady coverup. Along the way, Hil falls in love with Mark Paul Gosselaar before finally vanquishing the evil sorority bitches once and for all.
That movie was less cheesy and cringe inducing than the Out of the Ashes disaster story on Y&R. Nothing about this was okay! I find it insulting that this dreadful GH ripoff made it to the airwaves--and I also find it insulting that the powers-that-be at Y&R can't even plagiarize well! They managed to take 2004 Era Guza (Circa 2004) and make the dialogue worse (Colleen, to JT, whose facial wound is bleeding: "Did you get hurt?"), the situations more ludicrous (Victoria is rescued after being trapped, only to get put in a coma due to a falling piece of debris?! Seriously? That's the best they could do?) and the pace even more rushed.
Also, their taglines were immensely misleading!
"Rivalries Fall"? The only thing falling was Victoria doing her best Michelle Williams on 106th and Park after being hit with the random debris.
"Six days that will change their world"? What, exactly, changed? Okay, Noah doesn't have a spleen, but that's it. You know on Monday's show, everything will go back to normal.
Hello, false advertising!
The "Victoria is miraculously rescued only to be attacked by a rock" thing was the nadir of a very, very crappy week. Watching her be trapped for a couple of days and then get rescued and then get hit on the head once she was taken to safety was like something you'd see in Disaster Movie starring Marlon and Shawn Wayans. You guys!
THAT put her in a coma so that Amelia Heinle could go on maternity leave! I am perplexed. It's like LML & Co. were like, "We're almost a laughingstock, but not quite there yet, so let's just all out this time!"
The other storylines sucked something fierce, too.
Any scene with Amber automatically makes me want to retch, just on principle. I don't know if it's because the character is written as the omg best thing ever, or the fact that Adrienne Frantz has horrible hair and an obnoxious baby voice. Maybe it's a combination of all three. I don't know.
So the fact that she didn't die was totally tragic, in my opinion. As was this conversation with Katherine:
Amber: How you doing, huh?
Kay: Ow. What is it you kids say? Chillin' with a villain?
Amber: That's--that's-- that would be chillin' like a villain.
Can you imagine being trapped underground with AMBER? The very thought is scarier than the Hostel movies.
I have to admit that I appreciated that the writers mentioned Lauren's claustrophobia and her unfortunate tendency to attract scary stalkers like her fan club president and Sheila. It was a little weird that they delved into the show's history, but I appreciated it all the same.
Getting to see Doug Davidson be charming and funny was great, but also a little sad, because I know we'll just go back to seeing him randomly every other week, sitting with Maggie at Crimson Lights, making double entendres before going back the home for unused characters. But what the hell, Paul? Who doesn't tell the woman that they're dating about their past marriages, especially when you are on friendly terms with your ex-wife?! Duh.
And I don't know why Victor referring to Maggie as "the detective woman" made me laugh so much, but it did. So absurd, so Victor.
Oh, Peter Bergman. Why must you always give it your all, even when the story you are acting in is asinine and fathoms below your abilities? PS, I love you.
There was absolutely no tension with Jack, because anybody with a head knew that they wouldn't be killing Jack off. The threat of rioting from Serial Drama readers alone would scare them out of the very notion.
But that doesn't mean that I didn't get slightly misty at the letter he wrote for Sharon!
Dear Sharon, right now my only strength comes from imagining you in my arms. My love for you is literally keeping me alive. In this last hour, I've had so many thoughts about my life. The good and the bad. I know I've disappointed many people, but I want you to know...you, and Noah...and Kyle...and my sisters...you must always remember one thing. I could not have loved you more. I am so very proud...so lucky...to have been your husband. I love you.
And then they went and RUINED any of the goodwill I managed to muster up for the Jack portion of this storyline by having VICTOR save him DURING A COMMERCIAL BREAK.
DURING A COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Because it's not like anybody would want to see a man save his mortal enemy. That's just silly! Please, let's see more Amber and Kay using hip hop terms from the late 1990s, though! Sign me up for more of that!
As shocking as it may sound, I was genuinely moved by the Noah arc. I know! I didn't know Noah could inspire positivity in me, either.
Seriously: children in peril always get to me. I hate seeing poor, injured children! And as over the top as it was, seeing Nick try to run back into the rubble to get Noah was totally sad, as was the sight of the poor little boy in a stretcher.
And yes, I know, it was just acting and whatever, but still! I don't like when kids are hurt. So, yeah. I cried. Sort of a lot. But I cry at a lot of things, including, but not limited to, most episodes of The Velveteen Rabbit, The Beatles "In My Life", the opening ceremony at The Olympics, the closing ceremony at The Olympics, Hallmark commercials, and "Snoopy, Come Home", so I am going to try not to give the show a whole lot of credit for my emotional response.