Serial Drama

Dude, Where'd They Go?

So remember a couple months back when I got all snotty about the crappy makeup work on GH and how Logan's fake tattoos looked like the work of a grade-schooler? 

(Photos re-posted purely for non-prurient, scientific comparison purposes.) 

But then helpful reader Bri pointed out that those were, in fact, Josh Duhon's actual tattoos?  Striking a blow against my GH criticism and Logan's brutal hotness all at once?  Well, helpful reader #2, Maria, emailed me today to put me on the lookout in today's episode and, sure enough, they're gone!

That is some awesome cover-up.  If, hypothetically, I got the occasional huge break-out, I would totally want to know what they used.  I love me some Bobbi Brown, but that GH makeup department stuff is MAGIC.

Something to truly be thankful for.  Brutal hotness, restored.

Some screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

So Many Questions

Y&R is horrifically boring these days. It's not even that it's bad, exactly, (Although I'm not going to try and claim that the show is anything approaching entertaining), it's just...like, I care about the following:

• Jack
• Jack and Sharon's marriage
• Jack and Sharon finally deciding to ship Noah off to boarding school
• [This is the spot where I'd put in writing my silly pipe dream of Gloria being outed as the guilty party in the Jabot cream scandal, but I know that's as likely as, like...Victor not being an asshole for two consecutive minutes]

Everything else is either terrible or so jaw-droppingly boring that my poor, fragile self can't even handle it, and it causes my mind to wander...

1. Did the ousted Simone on Project Runway remind anybody else of Amelia Heinle?

Probably just me...

She's not an actress and was only on the show for 48 minutes, during which she displayed no personality or talent, but I still think she'd be a better Victoria than Amelia Heinle is.

(Okay, that was mean. I'm sorry, Amelia! Congratulations on your baby!)

2. How much does Melody Thomas Scott rule? She's the only person in this inane "Let's all talk to a comatose woman just because...well, it's slightly more engaging than when you talked to her when she was awake" story who is putting in any effort. Eric Braeden is obviously thinking about what to order for lunch, and Joshua Morrow is like, "Which Guitar Hero is better, II or III? I like both, but I still have a soft spot for I" and MTS is just going all out and really committing to being heartbroken and shell shocked. And her wardrobe totally reflects someone who has been at the hospital for eons.

The Decade's Most Accurate Dialogue?

I'm both really busy and really lazy (not as difficult a combo as you might think), so I don't think GH will get a Week in Review anytime soon, but I could not let this gem go by without comment:

Kate: Sonny, did it ever occur to you that you might be just as successful legally?
Sonny:  I like what I do.  I mean, you know, I know it's wrong, but I'm willing to, you know, do everything I can to get what I want, and I do everything in my heart to protect the people who are around me.  I don't -– I don't want to. I don't want to stop.  Whatever it costs.

I have recovered enough from my shock and awe to say:  THANK YOU, Awesome Writer, for having Sonny finally speak the truth.  He knows it's wrong and it will hurt the people around him, but he LOVES being in the mafia.  Now can you talk to your colleagues and explain that it's fine for this guy to be one of the bad guys, it's when they hold him up as part of the moral center of the show (the other half of said center being his hitman) that they run into problems?  By "problems" you probably know what I mean -- shins, pointy heels, the usual.  Thanks in advance for your help!

Dude, Seriously?!

(I'm trying to see in how many post titles I can use "dude."  I...need a new hobby.)

People, did General Hospital really kill off another Quartermaine?!  I avoid spoilers and I was seriously shocked that Emily died.  If in fact Emily died.  This is all a Helena plot or something, right?  I thought Natalia Livingston just re-signed?  I'm so confused.  And emotional!  Am I just PMSing, or was it totally possible to be emotionally moved today by:

• Nikolas
• Jason (!)
• Elizabeth
• Spinelli (!!)
• Lulu
• Sonny (!!!)
• Carly (!!!!)

???

I have no idea how to deal with the fact that GH both surprised me and turned out several consecutive decent hours of television.  It's upsetting my entertainment world view.  Like, do I also have to start thinking Benicio Del Toro is sexy (and not desperately in need of a shower and shave), that Britney is a good mom who's just misunderstood, and that Tom Cruise's new movie doesn't look like it's going to give new meaning to cinematic suckage?

Although I did briefly detour from "oddly moved" to the more customary WTF-ville when I pondered why, if they had access to horse tranquilizers and a syringe, someone jab Zacchara with them eons ago?  Or use it for the semi-annual fishing line surgery?

This effing show.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Apparently, insanity isn't the only thing that runs in the Montgomery family, as both father and daughter have demonstrated an enormous capacity for drama-queenosity.

Jack: They finally succeeded. They finally succeeded in running my daughter out of town. J.R. And Zach, Kendall, even -- all of them. I can never forgive them for that.

What's this "finally"? I don't think that word means what Jackson thinks it means. Greenlee's only been back in Pine Valley since the end of April. That's hardly, like, years worth of persecution at the hands of the evil people in town. Especially when one considers that, since she's been back in town, Greenlee has attempted to break up Ryan's marriage and had him arrested for bigamy (not like I care, but still...); tried to sue for custody of Spike; kidnapped Spike; caused Spike to go deaf; repeatedly got all up in the business of the Hart/Slater/Lavery/Novak amalgamated family even when they insisted they wanted her to stay far away, lest she maim any more of their kin; etc. She's lucky she wasn't run out of town with a pitchfork in the middle of June, or, you know, beaten to death by one of the Kane women who, despite their diminutive stature, obviously know how to throw down.

And "they finally succeeded in running my daughter out of town"? Your daughter is currently ON THE LAM after ESCAPING DURING HER ARRAIGNMENT. That's not being run out of town by an angry mob! That's running away just because her foxy yet increasingly obnoxious boyfriend thought it's better than being punished for something that she actually did*!

Ugh. Suck it, Jack. Just...suck it.

*Granted, it's not what she was currently being accused of, but still! She did it before!

Dude, Finally!

General Hospital fans (and "fans") rejoice!  Lucky found out that Jason is Jake's father!  Hallelujah!  Of course, the heroic hitman had to be the one to reveal the "secret," but whatever, I'm just so happy poor, dim, gorgeous Lucky is in the know that I don't really care how it happened.  The fallout from the reveal was awesome --  Awesome Writer clearly escaped his shackles and whipped up a hell of a show.  It was an exclamation point kind of day all around:

• Sonny stood up to Carly's insane jealousy, to her face!
• Rageaholic Nikolas had Emily lock him in a dungeon, then busted out of it! 
• Luke had a massive heart attack!  And Scott of all people helped save him!
• Lucky punched Jason!
• Lucky called Elizabeth a lying whore!  (Which was way harsh, and not factually accurate on the whore note, but nonetheless was soapily awesome.)
• Elizabeth called Sam a bitch!
• Someone [Lucky] only sarcastically referred to Jason as a hero and straightforwardly pointed out he kills people for a living!
• Someone [Kate] told Carly to "act like a grown-up for once"!
• Lucky called Elizabeth on her "I couldn't lie anymore" hypocrisy by pointing out she only couldn't lie anymore to Jason!
• Sonny demonstrated emotional maturity!
• Jax fake-died!  (Remember, Ingo darling, lots of SPF while you're on vacay.  And also get a haircut.)
• Liz had moments of self-awareness, plus compassion for Lucky!
• Jason demonstrated vulnerability!
• Leyla was involved in an interesting scene!

That was a freaking awesome episode of General Hospital, start to finish!   I suddenly feel the need to get together with friends to watch a new episode of Seinfeld, discuss the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, buy a new pair of Gap overalls, and look into those flip-style cell phones that everyone's talking about!

That's It?

I should know better than to expect any sort of emotional payoff to a plot crafted by the writing staff at Y&R, and I was doubly naive for expecting anything from a story about Paul. Here I am thinking that the reunion between Paul and the daughter he never knew would be great and soapy, when, in reality, the writers are like "Which one is Paul?"

The blandness of Paul's revelation that he is Heather's father was made even worse by the fact that Vail Bloom cannot act. I'm sorry, but she can't. I'm sure she's a very nice person and she's quite pretty, and she went to Princeton, so I'm sure she's smart, and I find "Vail Bloom" to be the most awesome/possibly made up/heroine in a Mary Higgins Clark book name ever but...there's no there there.

That facial expression is less "you stayed out of my life and allowed me to be raised by an abusive man" and more

• "It's Veteran's Day and my boss is making me work, can you believe the nerve of him?"
• "My iPod battery is gone and I had planned to go work out after I got off today and now I don't know what I'm going to do, since the gym only plays, like, crappy techno music and I get sick trying to watch tv and run on the treadmill at the same time"
• "I specifically asked for my gingerbread latte extra hot and this is barely lukewarm!"
• "Oh my god, Becky. Look at her butt..."

It was almost sad. Luckily, since I'm basically heartless, I was less sad and more annoyed by the whole thing. Doug Davidson always does a good job when they remember that he exists and he tried his best to sell this reveal, but his scene partner has the presence of an American Girl doll. This is exactly why you should never have high expectations for anything*, because you always wind up disappointed!

*Obvious exceptions being the aforementioned gingerbread lattes, 30 Rock and Essie nail polish. They will never hurt you.

The Day's Most Infuriating Dialogue

You guys, Guza has got to stop with the Laura bashing, or I will not be responsible for my actions.

Luke: Tracy, I'm serious.  This marriage has changed me.  It's kicked me out of the rut I've been in for so long.  And now, no matter where I go, or how long I'm gone, you've given me something I never had before:  a reason to come back.

"Never"?  Really?  Look, I love Luke and Tracy together, I do.  And I otherwise loved their scenes together today.  But this "you're so much better than my other wife" stuff has got to stop.  Since the people who produce and write GH apparently hate Genie Francis, I've tried to stop bitching about how they have to bring Laura back, and have really just enjoyed the hell out of watching Jane Elliot and Anthony Geary together.  But I seriously cannot sit through one more goddamned speech from Luke about how Tracy is so much better than Laura.  Among others, remember this gem from last year?

Luke: Ok. Ok. I like being Mr. Tracy. First time in my life there's a woman in it who pushes to the edge of my experience, who challenges me. I am your husband, you're my wife, and it will remain that way until you decide otherwise.

I hope Bob Guza has as good a security system at his office as the one on the closet where he keeps Awesome Writer, because otherwise one of these days I'm heading over there with a few cases of eggs and a dream.

P.S.  Between saying that line and playing a heart attack like it was straight out of a cartoon, I'm not having an "I heart Tony Geary" kind of day.

We Support the Writers

You probably read that subject line a couple of times, maybe with an expression like Kellie Pickler's when someone uses a multisyllabic word, or Britney Spears's when someone says she might have to get her ass out of bed before noon.  But don't be confused, we truly support the writers -- the ones striking in order to get a fair share of the profits from the TV shows and movies that they help create. 

We make a lot of fun of daytime soaps' writing around here -- and we still think the mockery is totally deserved -- but as with any profession there are people at the very top (those who scribe The Office, The Daily Show, Dirty Sexy Money, and 30 Rock, to name just a few), and there are those whose receipt of a paycheck for their work we find almost personally offensive (e.g., the General Hospital, All My Children, and Two and a Half Men teams).  But variety is the spice of life, and in this case is the only way we're able to have a steady supply of crappy stuff to make fun of as well as fabulous stuff to pick us up out of the crap-induced doldrums.  And regardless of what we think of soaps and other TV shows, we're watching them, and studios are making money off them, so the writers deserve an equitable piece of those profits -- now and down the road when you're a freak downloading Days of Our Lives onto your cell phone during your commute, or whatever.

Anyway, not to get all political up in here (is this really even political?  we don't look good in red or dark blue), we support the Writers Guild of America's demands that writers share in the profit entertainment companies make from traditional and new media.  If you do too, click here to sign a petition, and check out this blog for updates from some striking writers.

Apparently There Are People at ABC Daytime Who Don't Find Violence Sexy

... maybe they should drop some knowledge on the people who run General Hospital. 

My friend just sent me this link (and rightfully questioned why they're still using the "dreamy" modifier for this guy).  Holy crap!  Regular readers know I don't watch One Life to Live, but I did see that one episode and I thought Nathaniel Marston was kind of hot.  But it turns out he's kind of an unbalanced rageaholic.  (Isn't that always the way?  It isn't?  I need to expand my social circles.)  Anyway:

Troubled soap opera star Nathaniel Marston has been dumped from "One Life to Live."

Marston, who played dreamy Dr. Michael McBain on the ABC soap, was facing trial in February for allegedly attacking three people and brawling with the city cops who tried to arrest him in Manhattan.

. . .

Speculation began building that Marston would be forced to hang up his stethoscope after the 32-year-old was arrested Oct. 20 on charges of assault, reckless endangerment and resisting arrest.

A 6-foot-3 former amateur boxer, Marston appeared to be crazed on cocaine when he allegedly screamed, "I'm going to get you!" and assaulted his victims with a metal crate, breaking one man's leg at 45th St. and 10th Ave.

Good god.  I hope the victims are recuperating well.