What Fresh Hell?
Far be it from me to praise anything even tangentially related to Brad Carlton, BUT! The other day, the moment when Brad announced to Victor that he is petitioning to get custody of Victoria's fetus led to the greatest facial expression of Eric Braeden's career, and perhaps the single best greatest facial expression since Cameron Webber's "Bitch, please" with his now beloved "What fresh hell?"
It's hilarious, because it's the perfect blend of horror, anger, confusion and utter, utter depression, which is the exact blend of feelings I have when watching this show!
For starters, I have something in common with Neil.
NEIL: You know, it's the little things in life that drive you absolutely crazy. Somebody keeps drinking that last cup of coffee and then they refuse to--to pour a fresh pot. It drives me out of my mind.
I have made that same complaint, word for word, more times than I can count. I am especially fond of loudly saying it in front of the suspected culprit, in hopes of shaming them. It rarely works. I am not sure what to be more embarrassed of: putting my lunacy out there for the entire internets to see, or having something in common with the most boring man on daytime. I'm leaning towards the latter...
Onto another, more serious horror: if this show provides me with one more fake memory that Nick has of growing up with Victoria, I am going to have to do stab myself in the eye.
NICK: Every day at 2:00 she would get this mysterious headache, need to take a rest. So the headmaster would call Mom. I actually thought it was hysterical. I'd tease her endlessly about it. I called her Racket. 'Cause, you know, it worked on two levels. My mom wouldn't be able to get her to play, so she put me on the phone, and I was like, "Come on, Racket, you're not fooling anyone. Get off your butt and go play tennis." So she would. So let's go, Racket. Let's go play some tennis.
NICK: Hey, so, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but I took your car out for a little spin. I put a nice ding in it on the side as I was putting it back in the garage. It's a good one. I'm sure you're gonna wanna kick my butt for it. But to do that, you gotta wake up, sis. So wake up.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE NICK AND VICTORIA'S CHILDHOOD HAPPEN! IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
I've given up the dream of Gloria ever getting caught for the Jabot cream scandal. It was a hard dream to give up, since I wasn't even asking for her to go to prison or anything, I mostly just wanted someone to punch her, but whatever, I gave it up. I know that this means she's going to have to get increasingly wily in her efforts to not get punished for what she did, and I made my peace with that, but she's going to try to pin it on JILL?
Her little mistake thinking I was the brains behind the new contest gave me an idea on what to do about Jeffrey...William's note said "Don't let her get away with it." Her. The mystery woman could be anybody...and if I can make him believe that William was on another woman's trail... ...in fact, the first person he dated after his wife died: Jill.
Jill? Well, that never crossed my mind. Let me think about it. I suppose. Anybody could. But I'll tell ya this, Jill is so smart. If she did something criminal, she'd take precautions to make sure she never got caught.
I don't even know sometimes. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to lead to the bug-eyed, back alley grifter emerging victorious over the person who's been on the show since 1973? Oh, right, because I've watched Y&R before.
Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it will be good. Granted, the chances of that are the same as the chances that they'll stop putting Gloria in Fran Drescher's rejected outfits, but, you know, it could happen.
Does anybody, aside from headless viewers, actually think that Victoria is going to die? No, right? So why are we supposed to be on the edge of our seat wondering what the outcome of this story is going to be and, also, why is this story on every single day? And perhaps the appeal of Matthew McConaughey, while you're at it? Thanks in advance.
Man, this show is terribly boring. There are only, like, six things more boring than this show, including art history, televised billiards, The Old Man and the Sea, the catalogue of Michael Bolton, Monopoly and Private Practice. That's uber depressing.
In similarly sad news, I've always known it to be the case and I know that it's his thing, but the fact that Victor is SUCH an asshole and will never, ever stop being an asshole is sort of sad to me, especially since no character, ever, has been allowed to get the best of him. I don't even know what specifically brought this sadness on--perhaps his confrontation with Nikki when the phrases "How dare you?" and "Don't you dare" were repeated a dozen times--but it sucks all the same. Much like watching Sonny Corinthos, or Jason Morgan or Babe Carey, it's no fun trying to get invested in a storyline when you already know what the ending's going to be.
This assholery, btw, does not detract from the awesomeness of the "What fresh hell face", obvs.