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« The American Bitchass Company | Main | The People In the Little Box Aren't Real »

December 17, 2007

A Christmas Carol

Bob Guza chews his pencil earnestly and sits behind his large mahogany desk, deep in thought.

"I wonder," he asks aloud, "What the best way to end this scene would be? Should I have Jason say 'I'll take care of it' before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face, or should I have Sonny say 'Jason, I know you'll take care of it', before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face? There's such a subtle distinction between the two, I don't know which would be more powerful".

He stares up at a large, framed photo of Steve Burton for guidance. Studying it intently for a moment, he eventually beams and says, "Steve, I KNEW you'd know what to do! You're so right, it makes sense for Sonny to say the line, because it shows how important Jason is to Sonny and, ergo, ipso facto, the whole show."

Thrilled with a job well done, he excitedly types out the final line of his scene and starts to pack his belongings before he hears a strange noise from under his desk.

"Hello? Is someone there? Is it...did Christmas come early and bring Kelly Monaco under my desk? Heh. Heh. Heheh."

A regal looking woman steps gingerly out from under Guza's desk and imperiously says, "No, you pervert. It's me."

A wave of recognition passes over Guza's face and he groans, "Oh, god, it's you. The ghost of Glory Montana or whatever your name is. Can't you just leave me alone and haunt me when I'm not at work? This is embarrassing".

She rolls her eyes and gestures for someone else to come out from under the desk. A friendly looking man appears and glares at Guza, who reciprocates with a confused stare. "Am I supposed to know you?"

The man, far too politely, extends a hand and says "I'm--or, rather, I was--Doug Marland".

Guza continues to stare blankly.

"I wrote for As the World Turns and Guiding Light, and GH. I actually created the Quartermaines".

Guza shudders. "Ugh, that was you".

He starts to continue, but is interrupted by another person entering the room, this time through his door.

"Bob," the ghost of Gloria Monty says coldly, "I believe you've met Claire Labine".

"You're dead?" he asks.

"No, I only wish I was after seeing what you did to my show," she answers ruefully.

Guza clears his throat. "Um, anyway, I was just getting ready to go--"

Gloria Monty's ghost stares at him and says, "Don't you even want to know why we're here?"

"Not...not really, no".

"We're concerned, Guza," Doug Marland's ghost chimes in. "What you've been doing on the show lately is a bit beyond the pale."

"Doing?" Guza repeats lamely.

"Killing Alan. Killing Emily. And now killing Georgie. It's like you're ruining everything that viewers have come to love about the show".

"Oh, please. I haven't ruined Jason."

The two ghosts and Claire Labine exchange glances. "This," Gloria Monty's ghost says, "is going to be harder than I thought".

"Are you familiar with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol?" Claire Labine asks.

"No, I don't listen to country music".

She pauses for a minute so that the three high functioning people/ghosts in the room could stifle their laughter. "What we're going to do, Bob, is try and show you the error of your ways. We were thinking that if we found out a little bit of your childhood, we'd be able to ascertain why your...thoughts and moral compass are so skewed."

"Well, all right, but I have to be home before the Survivor finale".

Doug Marland's ghost starts the proceedings. "Did you watch a lot of television when you were young, Bob?"

"Not a lot. I was more of a movie buff. I learned a lot from the movies. A lot about family, and romance and how much you can succeed if you try hard."

"Really? What was your favorite inspirational movie?"

"Halloween".

The two ghosts and Claire Labine are dumbfounded. "The slasher movie?"

"Yeah."

Claire Labine searches for words. "But that's not really inspirational...it's more of a violent film about a psychopath".

"The thing is," Guza reasons, "Michael Meyers really wanted to get revenge on his family for raising that slutty older sister. And he wanted it so badly that he broke out of an asylum to kill babysitters. That's drive, that's passion."

"But it's a movie about murder."

Guza laughs. "It's not like they killed the actresses. They just pretended to, in a really gory way".

Doug Marland's ghost starts to speak but Gloria Monty's ghost cuts him off. "We were going to examine more of your youth and the way it impacted your adult thought but I don't think I could stomach more navel gazing by a sadistic misogynist--"

"Thank you," Guza interjects politely.

"And what we really want to know is, what the hell is wrong with you? What sort of thrill do you get from ruining one of the most revered soap operas in history?"

"I wouldn't say I'm ruining it as much as I am perfecting it".

"How the hell," Claire Labine asks, "is brutally killing Emily and Georgie perfecting the show? Viewers watched them grow up."

"Yeah, the old viewers. We want the hip kids, the young kids. Do you know how much merchandise a 12 year old girl will buy over the course of the year?"

"Do you think it's appropriate for a 12 year old girl to watch two beautiful, smart women be brutally strangled?"

His pointed silence all but confirms that he did, in fact, believe it to be appropriate.

"I created Emily and I was writing when Georgie was born," Labine adds gingerly.

"Ew, that was you? No offense, but the original Emily suuuucked. She was so edgy and sarcastic and she was a druggie. Jason would never have a sister like that!"

"So the daughter of Alan and Monica DESERVED the be brutally murdered," Doug Marland's ghost asks angrily.

"Well, y'know..."

"What about Georgie?" Gloria Monty's ghost snaps. "Frisco and Felicia's daughter! A good, kind character, brutally murdered. And this after months of ignoring poor Lindze Leatherman so much that the poor girl BEGGED to be put in a romance with Spinelli in magazine articles? BEGGED! To be paired with Spinelli, whatever that is".

Guza shrugs.

"What," she continues, "Do you have a no good-girl clause? Is Robin next?"

At the gleam in his eyes, she hurriedly adds, "What on earth is wrong with you? These are two beautiful, kind characters, LEGACY CHARACTERS at that, and you snuff them out in a most violent, despicable manner by a killer who you obviously pulled out of your fiercely stupid ass, during a sweeps period that will go forgotten once January comes around. Come next May will anybody remember that Georgie existed, or will she go the way of Justus and AJ? Once Natalia Livingston's contract runs out and you no longer need her to play a mentally challenged ghost, will Nikolas get a new true love and forget about Emily? You've all but destroyed the Jones family and your decimation of the Quartermaines is nearly complete, and for what? For more focusing on your merry band of mobsters and their molls? You're an evil, woman hater who, and I cannot stress it enough, is a dreadful, dreadul writer who is incapable of crafting a story with a beginning, middle and end without it becoming complete and utter tripe".

To Doug Marland's ghost and Clarie Labine, she says "I simply cannot be in his presence a moment longer." Turning to Guza, she adds, "The very sight of you repulses me. I hope your next writing job involves Two and a Half Men".

At their retreating forms, Guza mutters, "I consider that a compliment". Once he's alone, though, Guza appears to be shell-shocked. He takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. "Steve, hey, it's me. Listen, you would not BELIEVE the night I had. Uh, call me back and I'll fill you in. Laters".

He waits a moment and taps his fingers on his desk, then dials the phone again. "Hey, Steve, it's me again. I just left a message on your cell...and texted you...and IMd you, but you didn't holla back, so I figured I'd call you at home. Uh, gimme a call. I'll be at the office, just chillin'. Bye".

He hangs up and spins his chair around. He glances at the clock and says, "You know what, it's not too late, I should just go over to his house and tell him in person". 

**I'm too depressed about the state of the show today to write my truly angsty, angry rant. Plus, I felt it was unladylike to curse as much as I did in my draft rant post...

Comments

All I can say is.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thank you for this on a bleak GH day. 45 seconds of Scorpio/Jones reactions to Georgie's death and 45 minutes of something about mobsters, blah blah blah.
And OHMYGOD, Sonny was almost shot today! I never thought I'd see the day where someone tries to shoot Sonny Corinthos. That's must see television.

Genius, pure genius...

Thank you. Thank. You.

I actually called the comment line like a deranged fan girl today, because I had to vent over the totally senseless firing of Lindze Letherman and the even more senseless killing of Georgie. (I am completely aware that they probably have high funtioning chimps listen to the GH comment line, and I did it anyway, which shows you the depths to which this show has pushed me.)

Thank you for once again putting eloquent and funny words to my soap opera rage. Guza had better hope that there are no such things as ghosts, or surely Gloria Monty is preparing a serious haunting.

Bravo!!

BRAVO! BRAVo!

You my dear get a Standing O for this... Or should I say an Online O... Either way you totally rocked this post.

Brilliant!

You are BRILLIANT.

Thank you. Just...thank you. Killing Georgie is like a slap in the face to this 14+ year viewer who happens to fall in the "highly coveted" 18-25 year old female demographic. This is where GH and I will be parting ways.

May this actually happen this Christmas Eve.....followed by the very real pressence of the actors this show has crapped on arriving to beat the living snot out of him.......

I never thought I would say this but Two and Half Men? Way too good a writing team for him....I'm thinking....may he only write for Viva Laughlin...yes its cancelled...that's beauty of the plan!

The Quartermaine's should never have been touch this was the heart and soul of this sopap, along with the hospital, I only pray that this is a dream and when the clock strikes 12 all are still alive Fon's shame on you killing off the Q's, why not sonny.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! The show does suck! I can only wish Guza read this blog...

Fantastic. Oh, how I weep for Gloria, Doug, and Claire. Even if Gloria did give us the Eckerts.

First we lost the Hardys. Does anyone remember the Webbers anymore? The Quatermaines are being slaughtered, and now the Scorpio/Jones families are all being axed.

Back in the day, the reason Luke Spencer worked as a character was because there was a balance between his mafia stories, other families, and the hospital... and Tony Geary and Genie Francis kicked ass. And they were fighting actually fighting the mob.

Now we have the Sonny Corinthos hour of murder and gloom, and the only real balance we get is an ill defined United Colors of Benetton hospital staff that I could care less about. I know we have smokin' hot doctor who needs a haircut, Asian sex addict, really boring black shrink, and Persian nurse... but they've given me no reason to care about them. Why not bring back Tommy Hardy if they want some diversity? Not every character has to be connected to St. Sonny and his disciple Jason. At least we have the bright spot of Robin and Patrick...

Oh wait...

I have never done this before so if I make any mistakes, sorry.
I cannot physically watch GH anymore! How sad that a man (person) feels like the best part of a soap is killings, shootings, and hurting young girls. Soaps are about adventure (Luke and Laura on the run), love, excitement, passion, REALISM!! (okay that really doesn't work on a soap.
I've been a loyal fan of GH for many year even before VCR's. I saw Luke and Laura's wedding (took off from work), I saw when they blew up the Ice Princess, waited every Thanksgiving for pizza at the Q's, watched Lucy worm her way into Alan's life (don't you love her red wedding dress).
I know I talk about GH of long ago but that's when you couldn't wait to get home and watch it!
I'm not sure how to fix this mess but I hope ABC realizes what is happening.
PS I love this site!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time they want to haunt him, they should do it while he's on the can. That would be twisted. I would add more but I just don't have the heart either. I actually caught that reaction from Mac in today's episode through flipping channels. Wow...just wow. And no, that was not in a good way. You would think he would show just a little more emotion considering the young woman he raised as his daughter were brutally and unnecessarily murdered.

Yet another reason I'm glad I stopped watching this tripe.

This is a thing of beauty and a joy to behold. I can comment no further as whenever I try to find words to articulate my rage, they are not only not-family-friendly, they would actually make sailors blush. Instead, let me share my Christmas wish list with you all: May Guza find nothing but coal and a big, fat pink slip in his stocking this year.

I refuse to watch a single moment of anything that has to do with Georgie's death. It's just too sick. The old, good GH is never returning. It's dead.

"I actually called the comment line like a deranged fan girl today, because I had to vent over the totally senseless firing of Lindze Letherman and the even more senseless killing of Georgie."

I actually called when they fired Stuart Damon (Hey! Don't judge me!). Of course, at that time, I had no idea just how low this show would sink less than a year later. There is absolutely no reason for (brutally) killing two legacy characters in this cartoon slasher SL.

There are just no words to adequately describe my complete and utter disgust with this show.

And as someone pointed out, between Mac and Maxie, we got about five minutes of good stuff. The other 55 were pretty much the same crap they show everyday. As Cameron would say, "Bitch, please."

Also, someone needs to send a memo around the writer's room reminding them that having Sonny in a "life or death" situation is not worthy of a Friday cliffhanger. Anyone with any mental capacity could sum up his total screentime and deduct the liklihood (or lack thereof) of ever witnessing Sonny's demise.

Wonderful post. Honestly, I would like nothing more for Christmas than one of the great soap minds to just give Guza the what for about his blatant attempt to absolutely 'slay' (pun partially intended) the genre.

I was touched by the Christmas spirit too and wrote something similarly inspired by Guza's insipidness:

http://smirks.soapcentral.com/how_the_guza_stole_christmas_some_spoilers.mws

AMEN! Good night and goddess bless. Sigh.

Excellent!

Someone really needs to compile a list of all the characters Guza has killed off or forgotten about in recent years. Even that period on OLTL around 2000 when they had a serial killer roll through town every ten months wasn't this bad.

Honestly I think Bradford Anderson is a good actor, but I hate how they basically turned Georgie's death into a character moment for Spinelli. And they already had the perfect set-up for writing Georgie off the show: the semester abroad. What logical reason is there to kill her off for a throwaway serial killer storyline that has already claimed a major character? Why not use one of the five or so other characters recently introduced that happen to be getting almost no screentime? I guess that would just make too much sense.

I've said it here before, but Guza's tenure is really reaching James Reilly-esque proportions, only at least Reilly *tried* to be fun and original, and wouldn't have written hours upon hours of scenes that exist only to remind us that Sonny and Jason's loved ones are CONSTANTLY IN DANGER!!!!11!!!1! Not to mention that he didn't kill at least two legacy characters a year...

GH used to be the one hour that was mine. The novel that never ended. I loved it. I loved the characters, the romance, the excitement...all of it. Then, little by little, the storylines became strange. I approved of the Jasam storyline. I found their chemistry very real, and their acting off one another was terrific. I found many of the other storylines believeable also. Now, it's just insane. It's junk. It's ridiculously cruel to kill two beloved young characters for absolutely no reason.
The writers of this soap need to be fired. Seriously, they are horrible. There is nothing to look forward to on this program any longer. Skate has the same conversation every day. Scrubs same thing. Liason...same. It's just stupid. There's way too much of Spinelli. At first, clever. Now..annoying. This is sad and pitiful and shameful how the head of ABC is allowing this historic soap to go down the tubes. Last, but certainly not least, Steve Burton has WAY, WAY, WAY too much to say about this soap. He has influence and no business in the "writing" of the storylines. His character is extremely distasteful now...and I used to really like the guy. No more. It might have something to do with telling the woman he adored for 3 years that he would kill her. Kind of rubbed me wrong...BIG TIME. I will no longer be watching the soap that I looked forward to each day. What a shame....but, it's ok. It should be the worst thing that ever happens to me.

In reply to snarkgirl

I did compile a list once of all the people Guza has killed off and even before Georgie and Emily...there were 52 people! Can you believe that? I wish I could find that list cause I'd post it!

As bad as people say Megan McTavish was...I'd take her writing any day of the week over Guza's. Did she bring on friends and new characters? Yes she did but nowhere near the amount that Guza had done!

I'll sit down sometime this week and compile the list again. It's a LONG one!

I have been in denial about today happening. I had read the specs and saw the mag stories, but I just ignored it b/c it was too horrible to contemplate. I thought some Christmas miracle could possibly happen and they would re-shoot the scene and have Georgie just nearly die, then go off to study abroad, safely away from Guza's gang of hacks. But no such miracle. Guess there is not Santa in GH-land.

I've been just super annoyed bordering on pissed off at the show for some time now, but as of today, I am in the hate with venom and utter contempt territory.

These people have no respect for their audience and the core fans. None. They deserve to go down in ratings flames at this rate.

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