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« The American Bitchass Company | Main | The People In the Little Box Aren't Real »

December 17, 2007

A Christmas Carol

Bob Guza chews his pencil earnestly and sits behind his large mahogany desk, deep in thought.

"I wonder," he asks aloud, "What the best way to end this scene would be? Should I have Jason say 'I'll take care of it' before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face, or should I have Sonny say 'Jason, I know you'll take care of it', before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face? There's such a subtle distinction between the two, I don't know which would be more powerful".

He stares up at a large, framed photo of Steve Burton for guidance. Studying it intently for a moment, he eventually beams and says, "Steve, I KNEW you'd know what to do! You're so right, it makes sense for Sonny to say the line, because it shows how important Jason is to Sonny and, ergo, ipso facto, the whole show."

Thrilled with a job well done, he excitedly types out the final line of his scene and starts to pack his belongings before he hears a strange noise from under his desk.

"Hello? Is someone there? Is it...did Christmas come early and bring Kelly Monaco under my desk? Heh. Heh. Heheh."

A regal looking woman steps gingerly out from under Guza's desk and imperiously says, "No, you pervert. It's me."

A wave of recognition passes over Guza's face and he groans, "Oh, god, it's you. The ghost of Glory Montana or whatever your name is. Can't you just leave me alone and haunt me when I'm not at work? This is embarrassing".

She rolls her eyes and gestures for someone else to come out from under the desk. A friendly looking man appears and glares at Guza, who reciprocates with a confused stare. "Am I supposed to know you?"

The man, far too politely, extends a hand and says "I'm--or, rather, I was--Doug Marland".

Guza continues to stare blankly.

"I wrote for As the World Turns and Guiding Light, and GH. I actually created the Quartermaines".

Guza shudders. "Ugh, that was you".

He starts to continue, but is interrupted by another person entering the room, this time through his door.

"Bob," the ghost of Gloria Monty says coldly, "I believe you've met Claire Labine".

"You're dead?" he asks.

"No, I only wish I was after seeing what you did to my show," she answers ruefully.

Guza clears his throat. "Um, anyway, I was just getting ready to go--"

Gloria Monty's ghost stares at him and says, "Don't you even want to know why we're here?"

"Not...not really, no".

"We're concerned, Guza," Doug Marland's ghost chimes in. "What you've been doing on the show lately is a bit beyond the pale."

"Doing?" Guza repeats lamely.

"Killing Alan. Killing Emily. And now killing Georgie. It's like you're ruining everything that viewers have come to love about the show".

"Oh, please. I haven't ruined Jason."

The two ghosts and Claire Labine exchange glances. "This," Gloria Monty's ghost says, "is going to be harder than I thought".

"Are you familiar with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol?" Claire Labine asks.

"No, I don't listen to country music".

She pauses for a minute so that the three high functioning people/ghosts in the room could stifle their laughter. "What we're going to do, Bob, is try and show you the error of your ways. We were thinking that if we found out a little bit of your childhood, we'd be able to ascertain why your...thoughts and moral compass are so skewed."

"Well, all right, but I have to be home before the Survivor finale".

Doug Marland's ghost starts the proceedings. "Did you watch a lot of television when you were young, Bob?"

"Not a lot. I was more of a movie buff. I learned a lot from the movies. A lot about family, and romance and how much you can succeed if you try hard."

"Really? What was your favorite inspirational movie?"

"Halloween".

The two ghosts and Claire Labine are dumbfounded. "The slasher movie?"

"Yeah."

Claire Labine searches for words. "But that's not really inspirational...it's more of a violent film about a psychopath".

"The thing is," Guza reasons, "Michael Meyers really wanted to get revenge on his family for raising that slutty older sister. And he wanted it so badly that he broke out of an asylum to kill babysitters. That's drive, that's passion."

"But it's a movie about murder."

Guza laughs. "It's not like they killed the actresses. They just pretended to, in a really gory way".

Doug Marland's ghost starts to speak but Gloria Monty's ghost cuts him off. "We were going to examine more of your youth and the way it impacted your adult thought but I don't think I could stomach more navel gazing by a sadistic misogynist--"

"Thank you," Guza interjects politely.

"And what we really want to know is, what the hell is wrong with you? What sort of thrill do you get from ruining one of the most revered soap operas in history?"

"I wouldn't say I'm ruining it as much as I am perfecting it".

"How the hell," Claire Labine asks, "is brutally killing Emily and Georgie perfecting the show? Viewers watched them grow up."

"Yeah, the old viewers. We want the hip kids, the young kids. Do you know how much merchandise a 12 year old girl will buy over the course of the year?"

"Do you think it's appropriate for a 12 year old girl to watch two beautiful, smart women be brutally strangled?"

His pointed silence all but confirms that he did, in fact, believe it to be appropriate.

"I created Emily and I was writing when Georgie was born," Labine adds gingerly.

"Ew, that was you? No offense, but the original Emily suuuucked. She was so edgy and sarcastic and she was a druggie. Jason would never have a sister like that!"

"So the daughter of Alan and Monica DESERVED the be brutally murdered," Doug Marland's ghost asks angrily.

"Well, y'know..."

"What about Georgie?" Gloria Monty's ghost snaps. "Frisco and Felicia's daughter! A good, kind character, brutally murdered. And this after months of ignoring poor Lindze Leatherman so much that the poor girl BEGGED to be put in a romance with Spinelli in magazine articles? BEGGED! To be paired with Spinelli, whatever that is".

Guza shrugs.

"What," she continues, "Do you have a no good-girl clause? Is Robin next?"

At the gleam in his eyes, she hurriedly adds, "What on earth is wrong with you? These are two beautiful, kind characters, LEGACY CHARACTERS at that, and you snuff them out in a most violent, despicable manner by a killer who you obviously pulled out of your fiercely stupid ass, during a sweeps period that will go forgotten once January comes around. Come next May will anybody remember that Georgie existed, or will she go the way of Justus and AJ? Once Natalia Livingston's contract runs out and you no longer need her to play a mentally challenged ghost, will Nikolas get a new true love and forget about Emily? You've all but destroyed the Jones family and your decimation of the Quartermaines is nearly complete, and for what? For more focusing on your merry band of mobsters and their molls? You're an evil, woman hater who, and I cannot stress it enough, is a dreadful, dreadul writer who is incapable of crafting a story with a beginning, middle and end without it becoming complete and utter tripe".

To Doug Marland's ghost and Clarie Labine, she says "I simply cannot be in his presence a moment longer." Turning to Guza, she adds, "The very sight of you repulses me. I hope your next writing job involves Two and a Half Men".

At their retreating forms, Guza mutters, "I consider that a compliment". Once he's alone, though, Guza appears to be shell-shocked. He takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. "Steve, hey, it's me. Listen, you would not BELIEVE the night I had. Uh, call me back and I'll fill you in. Laters".

He waits a moment and taps his fingers on his desk, then dials the phone again. "Hey, Steve, it's me again. I just left a message on your cell...and texted you...and IMd you, but you didn't holla back, so I figured I'd call you at home. Uh, gimme a call. I'll be at the office, just chillin'. Bye".

He hangs up and spins his chair around. He glances at the clock and says, "You know what, it's not too late, I should just go over to his house and tell him in person". 

**I'm too depressed about the state of the show today to write my truly angsty, angry rant. Plus, I felt it was unladylike to curse as much as I did in my draft rant post...

Comments

Well that was brilliant! You pretty much nailed it on the head! And there's nothing I like to watch better than a character I watched be born get murdered right before Christmas!!!! You know because watching them kill Emily who I pretty much grew up right along with really wasn't a great enough Thanksgiving gift - I totally needed this Christmas pick me up so thank you Bob Guza!!! As someone else who's in this coveted 18-25 age group - I am so annoyed with this show I don't even know what to say!!!! I mean maybe if I thought for a minute that Guza might use Georgie or Emily's deaths for some real story telling and not just let them completely fall away and forget they existed like every other character he's killed off, I might, maybe, possibly be able to be slightly okay with this- but since he always just writes death for the initial shock and then forgets the character even existed it's beyond such a waste!!! I mean Claire Labine had few pretty significant deaths in her day - but they were meaningful, drove some amazing story across the canvas and they still remain poignant. You just have to mention the names Stone and BJ and your heart breaks because you remember how well done their deaths were and how they touched everyone on the show and continue to have lasting effects. What will the deaths of Emily and Georgie do in the long run? Nothing but put another nail in the coffins of the Quartermaine and the Scorpio families! And you so know these deaths are going to end up being about Sonny somehow too! God I hate this show right now!!!

You have no clue how you've warmed my heart. Don't know if you read my website or blog, but I'm putting a link up to this right now.
sniff...
from your lips to the daytime God's ears.

Mallory,

It's ironic that you thought better of an invective-filled (though justified)rant, but Guza couldn't find it in his heart not to kill a beautiful, smart, lovely girl who was a legacy character just days before Christmas. I hate this effing show but I love you!

Marry Christmas.

Mallory what an absolutely perfect post. I sobbed like a baby last night when I watched the show. I couldn't believe that they really killed off Georgie. And for what? To make a character that we dont' care about a serial killer because his girlfriend cheated on him? He's suffering from PTSS? What a way to honor our soldiers in Iraq by making one of their own a hostage taker and and now a serial killer (if the rumors about Coop are true). I loved Lindze Letherman. I thought she was adorable from the moment she had her crush on Lucas (another wasted character who disappeared into the ether), her romance with Dillon, and then her crush on Spinelli. I really truly hate this show and what Bob Guza, Brian Frons and JFP have done to it. The only bright spot was Kate's reaction to the shooting at the MetroCourt. Finally someone having a normal reaction to almost getting killed.

I so want to send a copy of this to him and TPTB at GH.

Mallory, bravo. I can't really find anything to laugh at anymore even remotely connected to this show, but your Xmas Carol came awfully close.

"You're an evil, woman hater who, and I cannot stress it enough, is a dreadful, dreadul writer who is incapable of crafting a story with a beginning, middle and end without it becoming complete and utter tripe".

Never truer words have been spoken. My only remaining hope is that Emily and Georgie's deaths are a wake-up call to Frons and ABC that changes are BEYOND needed at this point.

These two characters, with Robin as the only exception, were the last few kind, generous, good people left in Port Charles. Regardless of how you felt about them as characters, they were a part of a legacy that is quickly slipping away. Now neither one of them will ever have the opportunity to have kids and continue on families started by writers with more talent in the smallest atom of their pinky toe than Guza has in his entire body. This show sucks.

Oh, and Kat? I called the comment line too, just as I did after Emily's death and Alan's death. And I sounded like a drunk who call his or her ex at 2:00 in the morning because they're lonely. THAT'S how deranged it sounded.

I'm just waiting for them to decide KMc has been on the show too long and speed up Robin's death as well. They can't have history without a price, can't have characters that don't shoot people. Damned useless show. I've been free from it for two weeks...feel like an addict some days LOL...but I was unfortunate to catch just a snippet of the Mac reaction scene and it was enough to make me want to throw up. Until I saw it, I was still able to convince myself that they weren't really going to kill a character that I grew up with, learned to love, but they did it and I've had it. Was it not enough that I can't even watch my once-glorious Scrubs because their conversations make me want to scratch out my eyes in rage and their storylines are so quick fix and pointless that I can't believe I've devoted this much of my life to this show? Or that, despite their chemistry, I leave the room? They're dead to me. This show is as well. May Guza be haunted every Christmas Eve until he sees the error of his ways...hopefully before there are only three characters left on this damn show!

I keep hoping that I will wake up from the foggy nightmare GH has become in the last 5 years. Think about it: Sonny and Jason seem to be the fathers who sire all the children in PC (Michael-stolen from AJ, Morgan, Kristina, Jake). Molly was fathered by an equally twisted character, Ric, so there it is. Not an honorable, stable father in town except for Mac so his daughter is brutally murdered at Christmas. We wouldn't want one normal, loving father and daughter after all. Luke's entry into hell was so campish it was just bad; a great actor reduced to slapstick crap. Just awful. Luke is another decimated character because the real Luke was strong and independent and would not be married to someone for money. All he does is wander around the Q mansion aimlessly. He needs the jazz club back with something to do except wander and drink. Tracy, too, a strong character, reduced to waiting and watching Luke come and go. Clinging was never a word I associated with Tracy. Why isn't she running ELQ? Who is running ELQ anyway? Ned, another popular character with great history, is gone. The death of Alan pretty much reduced my watching to once or twice a month (glances). Every new female character is the lust interest for Sonny (first Carly, Hannah, Reese, now Kate). No one can escape his web of charm and murder. I'm so sick of Steve B's hair and blank stares or mumbling I walk out of the room. Lulu whom I liked at first has become shrill and annoying with little chemistry with others. Watching now one would think Laura was the love of Scotty's life when we know it was Dominique. And what Guza et al has done to the beloved character of Laura is unredeemable. But now sweet Georgie. One of the few left I liked; one who still was smart and good and balanced. Gone. The question is: How do we take back our once great soap and rid the poison spewing from Guza and Jill Farren Phelps sanctioned by Frons? As we are mostly women watching seeking family history, legacy, passion and love (Guza writes sex and lust; he can't write romance), and adventure all while grappling with life's dilemmas. How do we ask for complex characters that interact with family and friends. Any thoughts? Obviously message lines don't work and the Hateful, Dark Three (Frons, Phelps, and Guza) don't care.

You said it, Mallory. Stupid, stupid show.

Amen! Thank you for calling out the women hate on this show! I'm so happy to have YouTube - where I can just watch my couple (Liason - well the few scenes they have every 2 months) and leave all this other mess behind!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

An ocean of sanity in a very dysfunctional, badly written world...

Brilliant .. and I'll do it for you .. what a fucking disaster GH has become.

If Liason is what makes you happy, then go for it. IMO, they have ruined so many characters and s/l's on gh, that they actually turn my stomach.

I haven't watched GH regularly in years (over eight of them to be exact), although I have tuned in for bits and pieces here and there.

But, despite the myriad of ways I've read and seen the show destroyed, I still can't believe they've killed off both Emily and Georgie -- especially Georgie. Lindze Leatherman was a wonderful young actress who deserved a whole lot better than she ever got from this show. I'm very much hoping that Days is smart enought to grab her as soon as possible.

Well done, Mallory, well done.

I'm also in the coveted demographic, and I also don't watch regularly. I have to make an effort to even remember the show is on anymore, and I only tune in to see what the Spencers and Quartermaines are up to. And even though they are my two favorite families, I am not pleased that someone saw fit to make them one big happy intermarried family. They functioned and entertained each on their own.

I've never liked Sonny, and I can't stand what's happened to Jason. At first it was interesting, with the brain damage, and Jason's new edge. Now it's boring, and I wish the writers hadn't picked this particular character to express realism in medicine. Why can't they just fix him? Jason used to be such a sweetheart. Now he's a murdering jerk who likes what he is and does. Yuck!

I want my show back, and until it is, I won't be tuning in more than once a month or so, and I'll tune out again if I don't see Luke, Monica, Ned, or Edward.

I cried when Alan died. I cried when Emily died. When they killed Georgie, I went right to pissed off. I emotionally disconnected from the characters - they went too far. I used to watch this show with my Mom when I was a teenager. Yesterday was her birthday, she would have been 62. She passed away 9 years ago. This show is like a familiar friend to me. I have a cup of coffee ready at 3, it's my time until I have to meet my daughter's bus. They killed Georgie the week before Christmas - after all of the other deaths this year. What kind of animals are these writers?? They obviously suck if when watching the show I don't want to cry for Mac, but I want to punch the writers in the face.

Oh, my God, did I just compliment Reilly? Damn you, Guza!

I used to watch GH with eager anticipation. Couldn't wait to sit down with my diet coke and get "into it"! Now, it's like I dread watching it. This begs the question..."why do I bother watching at all"? The answer is that I watch only once in a while, and I do to see if anything different has happened. Did Jason regain his old self? Did Luke change back to a man instead of a clown? Did Robin finally stop with the same conversation? Did Elizabeth wipe the smirk off her face? Did Sonny ever decide to stop trying to be the man who populates PC? Are any the veterans around? The answer to all these questions...NO. Therefore, I am officially off the tube. I cared so much about so many characters, and now..they are gone...if not physically...action-wise. Bye, bye...gh. It's been nice knowing you.

Amen...Hallelujah...Amen

Gloria Monty, Claire Labine and Douglas Marland need to HAUNT Frons, Phelps and Guza OFF this show!! Instead of getting rid of all the beloved characters - let's get rid of Frons, Phelps and Guza and then see the ratings go UP! Anyone has got to be better than these three. It's an absolute disgrace how ABC has let Frons, Phelps and Guza decimate this once great show.

Absolutely Brilliant! Best read Ive had all day. Can you please send it to the writing hack? Oh wait...he'll probably take it as a compliment. pfft!

I gave up on GH ages ago. (Traded it in for a DOOL addiction when Steve and Kayla came back. Much brighter over here lately!) But hearing that Lindze Leatherman's been fired really ticks me off.
Somebody in casting at Days needs to snap her up right away. Surely the sorrority can squeeze in one more new pledge.

Somebody said it above, but I'm saying it again. Let's face it: these days, the dramatic purpose behind any death in Port Charles is to provide a character moment for the actors with whom Guza's infatuated, so that we, the reluctant audience, can see his/her Secret Pain.

Death of Georgie = Spinelli moment
Death of Emily = Jason moment, Sonny moment (because Monica's tirade was supposed to make us feel sorry for him)
Death of Alan = Jason moment
Death of Tony Jones = Carly moment...

Of course, in that capacity, the death of any old legacy character will do, age, sex, level of integrity/likeability/popularity with the audience be damned.

"No, I don't listen to country music".

BWA! I love you, I adore you, and I THANK YOU!

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