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« The American Bitchass Company | Main | The People In the Little Box Aren't Real »

December 17, 2007

A Christmas Carol

Bob Guza chews his pencil earnestly and sits behind his large mahogany desk, deep in thought.

"I wonder," he asks aloud, "What the best way to end this scene would be? Should I have Jason say 'I'll take care of it' before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face, or should I have Sonny say 'Jason, I know you'll take care of it', before zooming to a close up of Steve's chiseled face? There's such a subtle distinction between the two, I don't know which would be more powerful".

He stares up at a large, framed photo of Steve Burton for guidance. Studying it intently for a moment, he eventually beams and says, "Steve, I KNEW you'd know what to do! You're so right, it makes sense for Sonny to say the line, because it shows how important Jason is to Sonny and, ergo, ipso facto, the whole show."

Thrilled with a job well done, he excitedly types out the final line of his scene and starts to pack his belongings before he hears a strange noise from under his desk.

"Hello? Is someone there? Is it...did Christmas come early and bring Kelly Monaco under my desk? Heh. Heh. Heheh."

A regal looking woman steps gingerly out from under Guza's desk and imperiously says, "No, you pervert. It's me."

A wave of recognition passes over Guza's face and he groans, "Oh, god, it's you. The ghost of Glory Montana or whatever your name is. Can't you just leave me alone and haunt me when I'm not at work? This is embarrassing".

She rolls her eyes and gestures for someone else to come out from under the desk. A friendly looking man appears and glares at Guza, who reciprocates with a confused stare. "Am I supposed to know you?"

The man, far too politely, extends a hand and says "I'm--or, rather, I was--Doug Marland".

Guza continues to stare blankly.

"I wrote for As the World Turns and Guiding Light, and GH. I actually created the Quartermaines".

Guza shudders. "Ugh, that was you".

He starts to continue, but is interrupted by another person entering the room, this time through his door.

"Bob," the ghost of Gloria Monty says coldly, "I believe you've met Claire Labine".

"You're dead?" he asks.

"No, I only wish I was after seeing what you did to my show," she answers ruefully.

Guza clears his throat. "Um, anyway, I was just getting ready to go--"

Gloria Monty's ghost stares at him and says, "Don't you even want to know why we're here?"

"Not...not really, no".

"We're concerned, Guza," Doug Marland's ghost chimes in. "What you've been doing on the show lately is a bit beyond the pale."

"Doing?" Guza repeats lamely.

"Killing Alan. Killing Emily. And now killing Georgie. It's like you're ruining everything that viewers have come to love about the show".

"Oh, please. I haven't ruined Jason."

The two ghosts and Claire Labine exchange glances. "This," Gloria Monty's ghost says, "is going to be harder than I thought".

"Are you familiar with Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol?" Claire Labine asks.

"No, I don't listen to country music".

She pauses for a minute so that the three high functioning people/ghosts in the room could stifle their laughter. "What we're going to do, Bob, is try and show you the error of your ways. We were thinking that if we found out a little bit of your childhood, we'd be able to ascertain why your...thoughts and moral compass are so skewed."

"Well, all right, but I have to be home before the Survivor finale".

Doug Marland's ghost starts the proceedings. "Did you watch a lot of television when you were young, Bob?"

"Not a lot. I was more of a movie buff. I learned a lot from the movies. A lot about family, and romance and how much you can succeed if you try hard."

"Really? What was your favorite inspirational movie?"


The two ghosts and Claire Labine are dumbfounded. "The slasher movie?"


Claire Labine searches for words. "But that's not really inspirational...it's more of a violent film about a psychopath".

"The thing is," Guza reasons, "Michael Meyers really wanted to get revenge on his family for raising that slutty older sister. And he wanted it so badly that he broke out of an asylum to kill babysitters. That's drive, that's passion."

"But it's a movie about murder."

Guza laughs. "It's not like they killed the actresses. They just pretended to, in a really gory way".

Doug Marland's ghost starts to speak but Gloria Monty's ghost cuts him off. "We were going to examine more of your youth and the way it impacted your adult thought but I don't think I could stomach more navel gazing by a sadistic misogynist--"

"Thank you," Guza interjects politely.

"And what we really want to know is, what the hell is wrong with you? What sort of thrill do you get from ruining one of the most revered soap operas in history?"

"I wouldn't say I'm ruining it as much as I am perfecting it".

"How the hell," Claire Labine asks, "is brutally killing Emily and Georgie perfecting the show? Viewers watched them grow up."

"Yeah, the old viewers. We want the hip kids, the young kids. Do you know how much merchandise a 12 year old girl will buy over the course of the year?"

"Do you think it's appropriate for a 12 year old girl to watch two beautiful, smart women be brutally strangled?"

His pointed silence all but confirms that he did, in fact, believe it to be appropriate.

"I created Emily and I was writing when Georgie was born," Labine adds gingerly.

"Ew, that was you? No offense, but the original Emily suuuucked. She was so edgy and sarcastic and she was a druggie. Jason would never have a sister like that!"

"So the daughter of Alan and Monica DESERVED the be brutally murdered," Doug Marland's ghost asks angrily.

"Well, y'know..."

"What about Georgie?" Gloria Monty's ghost snaps. "Frisco and Felicia's daughter! A good, kind character, brutally murdered. And this after months of ignoring poor Lindze Leatherman so much that the poor girl BEGGED to be put in a romance with Spinelli in magazine articles? BEGGED! To be paired with Spinelli, whatever that is".

Guza shrugs.

"What," she continues, "Do you have a no good-girl clause? Is Robin next?"

At the gleam in his eyes, she hurriedly adds, "What on earth is wrong with you? These are two beautiful, kind characters, LEGACY CHARACTERS at that, and you snuff them out in a most violent, despicable manner by a killer who you obviously pulled out of your fiercely stupid ass, during a sweeps period that will go forgotten once January comes around. Come next May will anybody remember that Georgie existed, or will she go the way of Justus and AJ? Once Natalia Livingston's contract runs out and you no longer need her to play a mentally challenged ghost, will Nikolas get a new true love and forget about Emily? You've all but destroyed the Jones family and your decimation of the Quartermaines is nearly complete, and for what? For more focusing on your merry band of mobsters and their molls? You're an evil, woman hater who, and I cannot stress it enough, is a dreadful, dreadul writer who is incapable of crafting a story with a beginning, middle and end without it becoming complete and utter tripe".

To Doug Marland's ghost and Clarie Labine, she says "I simply cannot be in his presence a moment longer." Turning to Guza, she adds, "The very sight of you repulses me. I hope your next writing job involves Two and a Half Men".

At their retreating forms, Guza mutters, "I consider that a compliment". Once he's alone, though, Guza appears to be shell-shocked. He takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. "Steve, hey, it's me. Listen, you would not BELIEVE the night I had. Uh, call me back and I'll fill you in. Laters".

He waits a moment and taps his fingers on his desk, then dials the phone again. "Hey, Steve, it's me again. I just left a message on your cell...and texted you...and IMd you, but you didn't holla back, so I figured I'd call you at home. Uh, gimme a call. I'll be at the office, just chillin'. Bye".

He hangs up and spins his chair around. He glances at the clock and says, "You know what, it's not too late, I should just go over to his house and tell him in person". 

**I'm too depressed about the state of the show today to write my truly angsty, angry rant. Plus, I felt it was unladylike to curse as much as I did in my draft rant post...


Well if the strike keeps going on who knows who will be writing GH? Maybe they can ressurect Emily and Georgie. As cheesy as it would be, I'd totally go for it.

I would much prefer that the ghosts were like those in 13 Ghosts and, therefore, capable of doing actual harm, but otherwise-JUST FREAKIN' PERFECT! SERIOUSLY!


Helen, if you make that list of characters Guza has killed off, I will do a post about it. I tried to compile it a while back but with my spotty viewing up until a couple of years ago, I knew I had missed many.

Buttercup, I have actually thought that Lindze would be a good recast Abby on Days. She looks nothing like the old Abby, but I could totally buy her as Matthew Ashford's kid.

Mallory, count me among the chorus of "brilliant" and "preach it, sister" that everyone has stated. Why, oh why, can't you write for this awful, awful show.

Oh, that's right, you have imagination, creativity, respect for vets and legacy characters and a glaring lack of misogyny. Not to mention, a moral compass that isn't so skewed that mob violence equals righteousness.

Guess I'll just have to be content with reading the wonderful Serial Drama.

Seriously, we need to rise up and go over Frons' head and demand, as women, that Guza et al stop writing for this show because he has an obvious hatred for women by portraying them as sluts, liars, schemers, etc. He kills off those in pursuit of higher education and careers (Emily and Georgie). I guess Alexsis, Monica, or Diane will be next since they are professionals. We need to stop this disgusting portrayal of females by Guza now. His love fest with Lulu, Maxie and Sam, none of whom really work or are educated in a meaningful way, are his treasures. Sick. He has some serious "mommy" issues but the ruination of GH should not be his place to work them out.

I wanted to add my 2 cents, but I just don't have the words.

This effin show.

It's time y'all. Time to quit watching completely.

Yes to Lindze being recast as Abby, especially the observation on her resemblance to Matt Ashford. She plays that sweet but endearing role well. She'd make Abby so much more tolerable.

And because it needs restating in bold, "Frisco and Felicia's daughter!"

I can't believe how incredibly bad this show and the rest of my soaps have become. So sad.

that was hilarious!

you are so right...what is WRONG with him? that is a mystery we will never know, i suppose.

this show is supposed to be the one of the most respected soaps in history. i mean it's won the most Emmys for best show. but what happened?

i still found storylines intriguing up until 2004, but imo i've noticed a dramatic, dramatic, decline since then. if Guza, in all his character-ruining, Jason worshipping, veteran-ignoring "glory" would AT THE LEAST, keep history in tact, i would respect him a little bit.

but he constantly rewriting history and recycling storylines that flopped the first time around. nothing on the show is working. i don't know any GH fan that is happy with the show.

nothing makes sense. even the couples, when i think about it, make any sense at all because of what i remember from years ago. but there's Guza ignoring character identities.

i have wished for my real GH to come back for a long time, but i honestly can't imagine it getting better.

In a Gloria Monty universe---Georgie would not be dead. Her uncle Robert (the ultimate super spy), her father (Missing in Fatherhood Frisco), her uncle Shaun (one of Robert's best friends), Mac (her father for all intents and purposes) and Luke (without the health concerns--if you want TG off the show, do it with more class) would have gotten to Georgie in time to stop the killer and put the rest of Port Charles in order...
Sigh....such misogynistic, talent-diminished hacks run this show....

You had me at "Gloria Montana"....

I don't dislike the character of Spinelli. He was pretty funny in the beginning, though his "shtick" has gotten pretty old and his worship of Jason is disturbing on many levels.

But what really frosts me is the way that Georgie's death was used as a character-building moment for Spinelli. His reaction got more time than Robin's, for all intents and purposes her sister, and about the same time as her real sister Maxie.

We know Guza loves Spinelli, his surogate for Jason-worship, but sacrificing a legacy character like Georgie just to give him some depth makes me ill.

How I hate this show for making me feel bad just a week before Christmas and putting hate in my heart for Guza instead of love for mankind.

But Alice...Guza ISN'T human....so hate for him has nothing to do with mankind.....hate for him is hate for the devil.....and who doesn't hate the devil?

I hate claire labine for creating Sonny in the first place and contributing to this mess

For crying out loud, what keeps these writers writing this crap and no one does anything about it? Are the higher ups so busy with their own lives that they don't care about what goes on? The fans are actually upet...angry...disappointed... and sickened by the s/l's and character changes. The history re-writes itself everyday. Nothing makes sense. Romance is gone. Repeated conversations that the viewer actually thinks.."is this a repeat"? What can I say. I'm waiting for Sam to be the strangler next. Why not? They have hung every Scarlet letter in the book on this character for 2 years. She could easily be blamed for the all the killings...and no one would be shocked. The Sam fans are used to her destruction. What's another nail in her coffin? Jason can do no wrong. He's the pillar of the PC community. This Spinelli guy is so on my nerves I could scream. Scrubs...could be great. They are absolutely annoying they way they are written. Diane, the lawyer, was great IN COURT. In these latest scenes, she is like chalk on a blackboard. Killing Georgie was the last straw for me. I AM SO DONE WITH GH. It was an addiction that I am glad to break.

Amazing job, you summed it up perfectly. I hope you wrote for this show, it would be a million times better.

I can only say...


Yeah, I think it's time to stop watching the show. I was thinking of bailing when they did the "Jax getting raped was about Carly" garbage (Ewwww).

It makes no sense that the show would kill her rather than send Georgie overseas as a way to move the character off the canvas.

There was no real drama in her death because it was SO DAMN STUPID.

I liked Spinelli but have gotten sick of the tunnel vision that this show has on the sonny-jason-carly triad with everyone else being some kind of appendage to one or more of the "main" characters.

I love this site. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in how I feel.

Happy Holidays All!

I am both amused by your wit and heartbroken by the truth of what you write.

I tried to figure out why SBurton is so crazy about BAnderson. Today it dawned on me. Anderson is in awe of SBurton and shows it on screen and in person. Burton eats it up. It's time for the writers to be in charge of gh again. They are allowing Burton to call many of the shots, and the ratings are showing that Burton doesn't know what he's talking about. The writers are bad enough without the help of SB. What the writers need is a few of the viewers to come into the studio and sit down with them and tell them what is wrong with the soap. WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG. The writers are clueless. The veterans are bit players and the newbies are taking over without any history or real talent. The love stories are so messed up, it's sad. The violence has taken over, and the senseless killing of two marvelous young actresses who had history and family connections ... brutally and insanely murdered. Why? Ask yourself why. You won't get a reason. It's such a shame. This soap used to win emmy after emmy, and last year was not even nominated for best soap. Doesn't that tell the writers something is wrong? Is there no one in charge? Come on. Get a clue. This soap is a joke. A real bad joke.

Jes said, "I wish the writers hadn't picked this particular character to express realism in medicine. Why can't they just fix him?"

You know, I never thought of it, but you're right, Jes: the do the most ridiculous things, medically-speaking, so why can't they fix Jason's brain and free us from this hell?

Fix Jason's brain! Fix Jason's brain!

Oh. . . but then it'd be more about Jason. Shit.

Ah, but Aydee, this would be a DIFFERENT Jason, the REAL Jason. The sweetheart with dreams of being a doctor. The real Jason would be appalled at what Bot Jason has become, and shun the mob lifestyle. He'd follow in his father's footsteps and bring the show back to the HOSPITAL(it's in the name of the show, and they rarely show it). He could take care of Monica in her old age. And best of all, he would take back the name he ditched all those years ago. Jason would be a Quartermaine. Guza would have to love the Q's then, wouldn't he?

The only way I could forgive Georgie's pointless death is if by firing Lindze, they could afford to lure one of the Wagners back to the show. I miss Frisco and Felicia.

True, Jes. I can just do without the drama of how IMPORTANT TO EVERYONE IN PC this would be. Let 'em clonk him on the head and he can wake up as Jason Q. and that's that. He can get his g.e.d. off screen and apply to med school, meanwhile working in the stockroom at Target where we don't have to see much of him. That'd work for me.

If it's even possible, I'm more pissed off after yesterday's show than I was after Monday's show. I just.....ARE THEY FREAKIN' SERIOUS?! We have to spend 2/3 of the damn show on Spinelli's "secret pain" and how that reminds Jason of his "secret pain" and how THAT reminds Carly and Carly, Jr., of THEIR "secret pain", and so on and so on and so on.....I wish they'd actually keep their "pain" a damn secret so I wouldn't have to hear about it every fucking day. Meanwhile, there's Kirsten Storms and John J. York and Kimberly McCullough just knocking the shit out of the park-all two seconds of material they were given-because, you know, GEORGIE WAS MAC'S DAUGHTER AND MAXIE'S SISTER AND ROBIN'S COUSIN! But, as per fucking usual, it was more important for us to watch Carly and Lulu shriek, and Steve Burton stare. And I actually like Spinelli for the most part, and Bradford Anderson is one of the more talented newbies they've hired in quite a while, but IT WAS NOT MORE IMPORTANT TO SHOW HIS GRIEF THAN THAT OF HER OWN DAMN FAMILY! BASTARDS!

Oh, and one more thing-I find out that, in the new issue of SOD, there's a Scrubs preview for the New Year. Now, guess who's included in it? If you said the pink whore that ate my couple-DING, DING, DING, YOU'RE A WINNER! That's right-that useless, waste-of-space, expressionless, talentless idiot is STILL GOING TO BE IN THE SCRUBS STORY! Because, you know, they didn't piss off fans enough over the last 6 months with this heifer-they need to put the final nail in the coffin of this couple and these characters! Because you know we'll be in for more, "Patrick is a giant dick who used the poor, defenseless little Leyla on the rebound, and Robin is an evil, baby-obsessed shrew who is out to ruin poor, defenseless little Leyla's life". Oh, I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW! You think there's a 12-step program for women who are addicted to crappy soap operas?

Oh, but I forgot this one-YAY! for Kate having the most normal reaction to almost getting shot to death since Jason got shot in Mac's living room and Robin was like, "Fuck this!", and hightailed it to Paris.


Oh, the days of the happy Scorpio-Jones family.


oh, if he would only read this.

better yet, if someone who could fire them all would read it.

I'm hanging in only for Spinelli, Tracy, Robin, Maxie and Alexis. Beginning to wonder if it's worth it.

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