Serial Drama

Blasts From the Past

All My Children has gone totally nutty with casting lately: Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams are slated to return and Rebecca Budig is recasting her own recast and coming back to the show as Greenlee.

!!!

I wasn't an AMC viewer during Angie and Jesse's heyday, what with being born in 1983 and all, but I do know that Jesse is, like...dead. He visited Gillian when she died and was a ghost, so I am assuming that he's going to be a look-alike character--which, according to the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia (I agree with Michael Scott: "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information"), is exactly what happened on Loving/The City. So there's that.

But Oh Em Gee, you guys, Rebecca Budig! I LOVE Rebecca Budig! I think she's one of the most adorable people ever, and I loveloveloved her as Greenlee. I am one of the few people who have gone on record as liking Sabine Singh, and I'm sorry to see her leave, but Rebecca Budig IS Greenlee, so it's going to be nice to have her back. Granted, I have no idea why she's coming back to the clusterfuck that is AMC and, especially, her storyline lately, but still: eeee!

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

Hopefully you've managed to read a copy of the 12/11 issue of Soap Opera Digest featuring their picks for the Best and Worst of 2007, and Peter Bergman on the cover. How could you go wrong with that?! Because we love all things list-and-bitchery related, we were happy to share own thoughts on the ups and downs our soaps went through in the past year. Mallory remembered the year that was on All My Children and The Young and the Restless, while Becca reminisced about the highs and lows of the past twelve months on Days of Our Lives and General Hospital.

You'll find our thoughts after the jump, but we'd first like to take a brief moment to be completely sappy and thank the folks at Soap Opera Digest for giving us the chance to bring our criticism and occasional excited squealing to the masses. We're incredibly grateful for the opportunity we received this year and the freedom that they've given us to be as blunt and nitckpick-y as we need to be. Which, you know, is very.

General Hospital Week in Review

Here's my introduction to the Week in Review:  I hate this show.

I adore Alexis, and Diane has her moments of awesomeness, so of course the writers have to make them suck.

Their professional rivalry is just so over-the-top and ridiculous. Please promise me that if you ever see me react this way to a colleague getting a new client

or accept shoes in lieu of payment for professional services

or end a business meeting with a pout

that you will take me out back and beat some sense into me (without scuffing my shoes, which would of course be fabulous, and had been paid for with cash).

Now that they've torn down Kate, made Diane a caricature, given Robin the baby rabies, and continue their commitment to painting Alexis as the unlovable bitch, can we just get a final verdict from the soap judges on high that General Hospital is incapable of having any strong professional women characters?

I hate this show.

Brought To You By C-SPAN

Months ago, I came to the conclusion that The Young and the Restless was being sponsored by The History Channel and PBS, as their desire to discuss history and politics seemed to supersede their desire to be, like, entertaining. In an effort to stay relevant, C-SPAN has thrown its hat into the ring and hopes that Y&R could be the ticket back to hipness.

Honestly, it's the only theory I have to explain why we're being treated to in-depth scenes about a Senate ethics committee. I mean, no one can think that's actually entertaining, right? It's so boring that it's making me skip scenes with Peter Bergman in them. !!! When, in documented history, has that ever happened? It's as rare as Gloria passing up a Buy 2, Get 1 Free sale on Wet 'N Wild eyeliner.

I don't watch soap operas to get a lesson in government and economics. I know that I'm coming across as all "Learning? Boo!" but that could not be further from the truth. I'm actually the Martin Prince, "Pick me, teacher, I'm ever so smart!" kind of person. So if something is boring ME so much that it's actually mind-numbing, that's a whole new level of boring.

Plus, it's not like the show's other stories are a rip-roaring good time*, either. This week:

• Victoria remained in a coma
• We unearthed the dramatic secret of JT and Brad's blood types
• Ghost John Abbott continued to suck. Y'know, if the Ghost Invasion of 2007 has taught me anything, aside from the fact that there is no idea too trite or poorly conceived for some writers to go for, it's that the ghost world is far more diverse than I had originally thought. Ghosts aren't just shapeless white things who fly around aimlessly. Who knew? Alan Quartermaine transformed into a tracksuit clad wiseacre. Emily Quartermaine seems to be dimmer in death than she was in life (and since she dated Sonny, that's saying something). Even Bradford Meade took death in stride, haunting Betty Suarez in a totally chill way. But what does Y&R get? A buttinski! He nags Jack so much that I am becoming less and less sympathetic to him over the whole "Jack got John to change his will" brouhaha. He's like an overbearing sitcom mother.
• Gloria still says things about Jack being morally corrupt and evil and criminal and, to date, the world has not imploded due to her sheer hypocrisy
• Adrian continues to exist

I know that Y&R used to move at a glacier pace, with, like, week-long closeups of people's faces, but, I don't know, I think I'd prefer slow paced, quality storytelling, rather than rushed, terribly bland plots.

*I am the type of person who unironically says things like "rip-roaring good time". I'm obviously an 80 year old in a 24 year old's body and yet I am still bored by this show. Bad sign, CBS, bad sign!

The Scene So Terrible It Doesn't Deserve a Clever Title

Every time I get to a place where I think General Hospital maybe isn't that awful, that I could learn to tolerate Jason and Sonny, or Carly might have moments of humanity that -- bonus! -- involve her wearing a bra and a non-ugly top, the writers come along and punch me in the stomach.  Or, on special occasions, punch me in the stomach, call me fat, insult my shoes, and steal my favorite eyeshadow.  Yesterday was such an occasion.

Elizabeth:  Do you know that there are wonderful men, brave and kind, endlessly patient men who would give anything to be a father?
Patrick:  That's great.  Then I think those wonderful specimens should go for it.  What do you want from me?
Elizabeth:  You don't get it, do you?  He doesn't get it.  No.  The man – the men I'm talking about desperately want a family but they can't have one because of choices they made when they were too young to know any better.  And all you have to do is take your head out of your self-invested butt, reach up, and accept the gracious gift that's been given to you.
Leo:  You're on your own, brother.
Patrick:  You know what I don't get?  What any of this has to do with you.  What do you care if I have kids or not? 
Elizabeth:  Because Robin's my friend, and she's an amazing woman who deserves to have all of her dreams come true.  You have the ability to make that happen.  You have an incredible job, with an unlimited future, you're in good health, nobody's trying to kill you, and yet you won't even try to be a father because you're a big, fat, selfish coward.  Whatever, it's your loss, buddy.  You have to live with it.
[Elizabeth leaves]
Patrick [to Robin]:  Nice.
Robin:  I agree with every word she said.

THIS SHOW FILLS ME WITH SOAP OPERA RAGE.  If only I had a lowly assistant to bellow at, or a hitman I could dispatch to eliminate those who offend me.

I don't even know where to begin.  As is my way, I find it easiest to break down my reaction into questions, including:

No More Nookie, Please

If I hadn't already solidified my Church Lady status, this post would do it.  That's because its sole purpose is to plead with the Days of Our Lives powers-that-be:  Please, put down the sexy and back away slowly.

I know I've said that Days is mostly great lately, but I've finally identified what it does really, really badly:  Sex appeal.  Sure, Bo and Hope and Steve and Kayla are hot couples, but that's mostly just the actors' chemistry.  You could have them recite the alphabet and pretty soon you'd feel the need to get them a room.  And the show is good at letting James Scott . . . exist.  James Scott and sexiness are as inseparable as Lindsay Lohan and skeevy men, or Dancing With the Stars and spray tan.  There are the occasional chemistry-filled moments between other characters, but of late when the Days folks are really aiming right for "hotness"?  Beware!!!

Because seriously, what the HELL was that sex scene with Sami and Lucas today?  And that Shawn-as-cop role-playing thing with Belle and Shawn?  That insane "Belle is a hot old-Hollywood vixen" fantasy of Phillip's yesterday?  I thought once they killed off John -- eliminating the possibility of him continuing to hook up with Marlena (because this is not General Hospital) -- that I wouldn't have to bury my head under my couch pillows out of a combination of revulsion and laughter-induced-delirium during Days' attempts to bring sexy back, but I WAS SO WRONG. 

On the bright side, I still have use for the term "guffudder," and if I fast-forward through all of Days' intentional attempts to heat things up, I will have way more time during the week for more important things, like buying handbags on eBay and trying to create the perfect smoky eye.

I'm Dead, and I'm Just GIDDY About It!

Hi!  My name is was Emily Quartermaine!  I had a super amazing life.  "You can never be too rich or too thin"?  Could easily have been written just for me!  Crazily pretty and not yet even 30, I had:  a promising career as a doctor (which I only had to spend 42 minutes in medical school to get), a handsome and rich fiancé, a loving mother and a loving-though-morally-questionable brother, great friends, usually fabulous hair, and a ton of mascara and lipgloss.  Other than the occasional flashback to a romantic slip-up a year or so ago (which I agreed never to speak about publicly because it made my mom and passers-by on the street cry), and the unnecessary death of my father a few months back, my entire existence was really fantastic! 

Then some asshole killed me.

And for a minute, I was, like, totally buggin'!  But then I realized:  DEATH IS AWESOME. 

All My Children: The Moment of Truth Edition

Wow, someone seems to have slipped some veritaserum in the Pine Valley water supply, because yesterday's episode was chock full of quotes that exhibit a shocking sense of self-awareness on the part of some of the show's more, shall we say, annoying characters. It was sort of refreshing to hear people fully admit to the flaws we've all been screaming about for months.

(The fact that Ryan, Annie, Babe and a non-dream sequence Greenlee were not part of the episode is no coincidence; I can only imagine that all four characters expired rather than make any statements contrary to their "Who rules? I rule" mantra)

Krystal: Look, I know I've made mistakes with Babe that I will regret for the rest of my life...

She practically admitted to having a profoundly bad influence on her daughter's life by keeping her in close to proximity to her skewed view of morality and twisted view of sex. Granted, she did it in a vague, roundabout way that gave absolutely no detail as to how she made mistakes with Babe and, in all honesty, it is entirely plausible that her idea of screwing her child up is not telling Babe enough how awesome she is, but I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt, because I am in a generous mood.

Confession Time: Krystal and Adam are not...it's like...they...they're not bothering me, okay? I don't know what's come over me. I really don't like Krystal and I resent the way that Adam has been demonized over the past few months to make Krystal and Tad look like upstanding citizens, but their renewed feelings for each other are sort of not terrible. Granted, my feelings of positivity may be colored by the fact that the rest of the show is so bad, but I really, really like the way that David Canary and Bobbie Eakes work with each other and I wish the character of Krystal wasn't anything like, um, the way that she is so that I could enjoy them with no misgivings.

Our Column in the 12/11 Issue of SOD

Our editors asked us to weigh in on the Best and Worst of 2007 in soap operas and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, we relished the task of listing the highs and lows that our soaps went through this year. The special, year-end "My Take/My Take, Too" column is in the December 11th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands now. Mallory tackles the best and worsts of All My Children and The Young and the Restless, while Becca looks back at the year that was on Days of Our Lives and General Hospital.

BONUS: As though giving us a monthly column wasn't enough to earn our undying devotion, Soap Opera Digest made us love them even more with their pick for 2007's Worst Hero. Be sure to check it out and revel in the hilarity.

Why I Am Not A Network Executive

In my rare moments of self-awareness, I sometimes come to terms with the fact that I'm just not cut out to hold certain jobs. I could never, for example, be an aerobics instructor, because I am not capable of perpetual cheerfulness (also, I trip a lot). I could never work at a hedge fund, because the term "hedge fund" in and of itself makes me want to take a nap. I could never work at 30 Rock because I'd just follow Tina Fey around all, "But ohmigod, you're, like, the coolest ever! How did you get to be so cool! You're awesome! Call me! Let's have coffee and be best friends forever!" and get escorted out by security.

And I could never, ever be a network executive because I have no mental deficiencies.

I don't know about you, but when I hear the name "SOAPNet", I don't often think "made for tv movies starring C. Thomas Howell", but that's exactly what is playing on SOAPNet tonight. Double you tee eff?

Apparently, the SOAP OPERA NETWORK has acquired the rights to several motion pictures and made for tv movies that will be broadcast on Sunday nights. Included in Frons's big coup:

• Deception (You guys, they PAID for rights to an ANDIE MCDOWELL movie)
• Full Frontal
• Kiss of Fire (...)
• Tangled (Rachael Leigh Cook AND Estella Warren. It's Stars That Weren't on parade)
• A Pyromaniac's Love Story (Ugh, Billy Baldwin. We really hate him on Dirty Sexy Money; he may even be the worst thing about it. Yes, even worse than Samaire Armstrong, though I don't think quite as bad as Sheryl Lee's evil character who took Gustave Brian Jr. away to Brazil and made me cry for an embarrassingly long time because of it!)
• The aforementioned Dangerous Indiscretion
• Deadly Sins
• Double Cross
• Betrayed by Love
• Blindfold: Acts of Obsession (this, at least, has somewhat of a soap connection, what with Shannen Doherty and Kristian Alfonso. On the other hand, it has Judd Nelson's scary facial hair and is, you know, not a soap)
• Keys

In case you were wondering what the hell was up with this terrible decision, Mr. Frons explains it thusly:

“SOAPnet is making strides to expand its ‘soapy’ programming and movies are the next logical step.  We recognize that movies can be just as soapy as daytime drama...our viewers love the drama, fantasy and anticipation ripe in traditional soaps and we are stretching their equity to incorporate reality, primetime, daytime and now movies, into our lineup."

Yes, Frons, the next logical step is airing movies from 15 years ago starring Alyssa Milano and Kelly Preston, not, you know, using this money to get the rights to Santa Barbara or put Another World back on or, you know, air Ryan's Hope during an hour when people are actually, I don't know, AWAKE.

I don't think that word means what he thinks it means...

Seriously, and I know we ask this question quite often, but...how does Brian Frons still have a job? Is it because he's a master of inventing words to make his lame ideas sound impressive? Is it because he dares to dream big enough to hope for a world where we all watch soaps on our cell phones? Is it because Disney-ABC has not yet been able to negotiate a deal with the Bronx Zoo to hire Babboon #3 to come run ABC Daytime?