The Scene So Terrible It Doesn't Deserve a Clever Title
Every time I get to a place where I think General Hospital maybe isn't that awful, that I could learn to tolerate Jason and Sonny, or Carly might have moments of humanity that -- bonus! -- involve her wearing a bra and a non-ugly top, the writers come along and punch me in the stomach. Or, on special occasions, punch me in the stomach, call me fat, insult my shoes, and steal my favorite eyeshadow. Yesterday was such an occasion.
Elizabeth: Do you know that there are wonderful men, brave and kind, endlessly patient men who would give anything to be a father?
Patrick: That's great. Then I think those wonderful specimens should go for it. What do you want from me?
Elizabeth: You don't get it, do you? He doesn't get it. No. The man – the men I'm talking about desperately want a family but they can't have one because of choices they made when they were too young to know any better. And all you have to do is take your head out of your self-invested butt, reach up, and accept the gracious gift that's been given to you.
Leo: You're on your own, brother.
Patrick: You know what I don't get? What any of this has to do with you. What do you care if I have kids or not?
Elizabeth: Because Robin's my friend, and she's an amazing woman who deserves to have all of her dreams come true. You have the ability to make that happen. You have an incredible job, with an unlimited future, you're in good health, nobody's trying to kill you, and yet you won't even try to be a father because you're a big, fat, selfish coward. Whatever, it's your loss, buddy. You have to live with it.
Patrick [to Robin]: Nice.
Robin: I agree with every word she said.
THIS SHOW FILLS ME WITH SOAP OPERA RAGE. If only I had a lowly assistant to bellow at, or a hitman I could dispatch to eliminate those who offend me.
I don't even know where to begin. As is my way, I find it easiest to break down my reaction into questions, including:
- Was I supposed to be rooting for Elizabeth in this scene? Seriously?! "Woohoo, Lizzie! Great judgmental stone-throwing aim in that big-ass glass house of yours!" [I will note, however, that Becky Herbst was great, even if what she was saying was absolute garbage. What the hell are they doing to Elizabeth? I blame the writers, of course, but also maybe Becky's unfortunate highlights.]
- Do any of these writers have healthy relationships with the women they encounter, and if so, how do they keep said women from watching the show and then pummeling them to within an inch of their lives?
- A woman wanting to have a man's baby, whether or not he wants one, is "a gracious gift" that cannot be rejected?! Should we also be discussing that promising fall premiere of a little show called I Love Lucy?
- Why did these idiot writers ruin what had been a really enjoyable girls' night out sequence? Is it a fear of success? Can't let an episode get too good!
- Has this show really reached the point at which "nobody's trying to kill you" is considered a positive character trait?
- Not wanting to have a child is selfish, but wanting to have one with someone who doesn't, just so that you get a baby, isn't?
- What can we do to end the holiday scourge of colored tinsel? (Okay, that might have been off-topic.)
- If the roles were reversed, would there be any question but that this rant was TOTALLY outrageous?
- The people who run this show really have no idea who its audience is, do they?
- Is Jason still considered too young to be held accountable for his choices? Will 40 be the year that responsibility finally kicks in?
- Did the world learn nothing about children being a relationship dealbreaker from the epic heartbreak Monica Gellar suffered at the hands of Richard Burke?
- If they finally put Robin and Patrick back together, will there be any viewers left that enjoy either of the characters enough anymore to care?
- Is there anyone watching this show who thinks Bob Guza will do an HIV+ pregnancy storyline justice? Is that the same person who appreciates Billy Baldwin's performance on Dirty Sexy Money?
- Why was I more upset by this scene than by anything I've read in The New York Times since like 2005?
But hey, at least one character on this show has been able to express never wanting children, without everyone saying what an awful, selfish person she is, right? WRONG! Are you new? First, the writers turned Kelly into a sex addict -- no healthy sex life for you, baby-hater! Then, they have her say this today:
Kelly: If I was madly in love with a guy and children were a dealbreaker? Believe me, I'd give it a hard look.
My bad! When I said I'd really thought about it but children just aren't for me, what I meant was PLEASE GOD JUST BRING ME THE RIGHT MAN and I'll say "uterus, open sesame!"
I sat through that horror yesterday and I made a note that I was going to restore Patrick's "hotly" modifier, at least temporarily, just out of spite. But then I said, um, that's kind of weird because he's been a TOTAL dick for months, especially in his Night Shift incarnation, and as recently as Monday had proposed the self-centered "let's shack up for a year and then break up" solution to his romantic woes, so I should really chill. (And also, I should really stop talking to myself.) But then reader Kat commented in another post that "I think we need to restore 'hotly' to Patrick just for sitting through that display without throwing Liz through a window." And I realized that I am not crazy, at least because of this, and...it must be done:
Yesterday, Patrick was hotly baffled
then hotly irritated
then hotly offended
and finally, hotly disappointed.
Take that, harpies!
And to top it all off, they brought back Robin's hideous plaid winter coat. WHY DOES THIS SHOW HATE ME?!
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.