General Hospital Week[ish] in Review
You guys, I'm so sorry for not having put up a GH Week in Review for almost two weeks. My excuse is that I was having total babydaddy drama; mine is a hitman and that is, like, so complicated sometimes! And then my older son, who totally hates the hitman (I heard him say something like "witch, tease" the other day, which I think is kid code for "I prefer Lucky"), freaking set our house on fire! I mean sure, he had been playing with matches and I had caught him, but hello, I told him not to do it again.
That totally works with most kids his age! But instead he got the matches again and, long story short, almost killed his little brother. And I severed an artery or something, which I didn't realize for the entire time it took me to get from my house to the hospital, even though it was supposedly a life-threateningly serious cut and even though I'm a nurse.
So now I'm stuck in a hostage situation in the hospital (I'm told it's tense and dramatic and compelling, but I'm actually really bored), but at least I have some free time to blog! Oh, and it's worth noting that my ex-husband is being all super dreamy and gorgeous and heroic, so of course that's a whole other pain in my ass. My life is seriously tough and totally busy. That's why I've been ignoring my hair.
I'm told by folks in the forums (I do no original research) that replacement writers have officially taken over Bob Guza's "writing" duties. Maybe that explains why there appears to be consensus that at least on a day to day basis, the writing is a bit better. The last week and a half or so really have been pretty decent. Not everything is working, and I'm certainly bored some of the time, but the overtly offensive and violent stuff appears to be dormant, which is a nice change of pace. If it turns out Guza is really secretly writing this stuff himself, I'm going to be embarrassed. But I will still find a way not to give him credit for any improvement.
I've long been an advocate for Alexis and Diane becoming friends.
Their road trip could have been a series of sexist cliches; I thought
we were in trouble when it started with a battle over dresses. But then
it got kind of fun.
I loved the "you killed a dude too?!" moment. At least somebody on the writing staff remembers what happened a couple of years ago.
Sonny: It's not okay to hit somebody just because you don't like what they say.
Michael: What do you do?
Oh snap, Mikey. You're a crazy future serial killer, but you are spot on with that snottiness, sir.
My favorite part of all these scenes with Carly and Sonny freaking out about the psycho killer they've raised is stepdad Jax as the voice of reason. Run, Jax, run! It may have started out okay, but this marriage is going nowhere good. Please see the last section below. K thx.
Elizabeth's confrontation of Sam over spilling the paternity beans
to Carly was filled with the usual "You're a lying whore!" "No, you
are!" BS, but it was such a prototypically animated soapy catfight that
you must enjoy it again via pictures without the dialogue distracting
I love that last one especially. Yo yo yo tank tops in winter in the hizzouse!
I know I once said that I was totally over Ric Lansing, but Rick
Hearst has won me over again. I am totally willing to buy into a
redemption arc, especially after Ric's goodbye scenes with Skye.
Ric needs a real love interest, stat. His "Where were you when I was six?" comment to Skye was sexier than anything the mobtastics have done in six months, at least.
I had grown rather used to unintentional comedy in Lucky Spencer's scenes -- the once-crafty and super sharp son of Luke and Laura devolved into a [gorgeous but] bumbling cop who couldn't figure out even the most obvious things like that Jason the Heroic Hitman had totally schtupped Lucky's wife. But lately he's started to seem like he could actually do long division [gorgeously], and last week he had a totally dreamy scene with Elizabeth about Jake.
Lucky: ...But there is something I want to give to Jake that I didn't have, and that's stability. You know, somebody who's there for him. Somebody he knows that he can count on. Someone that can teach him the difference between right and wrong. To protect him. I know that's a lot for me to ask and this is mostly between you and Jason. I just wanted you to know that I'm willing. . . . Jake's a good little boy. I just want to make sure that he, you know that he has a chance to grow into a man. Don't take this the wrong way. I just hope that Jake winds up with a lot more of you, than his father.
And then later he schooled Sam on not being such a manipulative, lying harpy. Of course when he finds out about this he's going to be crushed, but he will be gorgeously crushed, so there's that. Long live the recently returned real Lucky!
Oh yeah, Lulu is still kidnapped (in a castle of styrofoam rocks), Luke is still being a moron, Stan is still dead so Epiphany is still upset, Kate and Sonny continue to dance around each other in a way that neither particularly interests nor angers me, Jax's hair continues to be terrifying, and the Text Message Killer is still on the loose and might possibly be Cooper or Johnny. Snoozeville all around.
Y'all know I have not been reserved about my growing dislike of Carly Benson Corinthos Corinthos Alcazar Corinthos Corinthos Jax. She routinely gives me a headache, sometimes crossing the line to inducing rage blackouts. She is an unrepentant buttinski, and not in an amusing way. Her wardrobe frightens small children, except her elder son who cannot be scared because he is a sociopath. She is, in short, exhausting to watch. And do I need soaps to be exhausting? I do not. For that I have pilates, jogging, housecleaning, and the audition rounds episodes of American Idol.
Anyhoodle, something brazilliant happened last week. Various Port Charlesians finally called Carly on her meddlesome BS, and my birthday came early because she found out that not only did Elizabeth have Jason's son, but half the town knew before Carly did. It was more magical than Disneyland.
The Comeuppance of Carly: A Study in Quotations
Sam: That's right, Carly. Jake is Jason's son.
Carly: You are so bitter that he dumped you.
Sam: No, he didn't dump me. He lied to me and betrayed me but he --
Carly: And you're so jealous of my friendship with him.
Sam: It is not a friendship. I am sorry. It's not. It's warped. You are a twisted, selfish, meddling bitch who can't stand the idea of Jason being with another woman, even if it's just another woman. You have had it in for me from the start.
Carly: No, I saw through you from the start. How many beds did you bounce from? Jax, Sonny, Jason . . . god, and to think you could have tied Jason down.
Sam: Oh, that's right, your poor, poor, god-like Jason. You were thrilled when you found out I couldn't get pregnant because you knew what a son means to Jason. And now Elizabeth, oooh, holier-than-thou Elizabeth, who you just might dislike a teenie bit more than me has given him the son he's always wanted. I mean that's certainly something that you haven't given him. And he didn't tell you. His big best friend.
Oh my god, that was better than at least some of the sex you've had. Admit it.
Carly: Did you ask yourself why? Did you see this as a crisis? No, you saw it as a golden opportunity. You ran to Jason's bed so fast you left a vapor trail. You took advantage of his kindness and his generosity.
Elizabeth: Oh, please. You treat Jason like his life is open 24/7 for your convenience.
Carly: You can't stand that we're so close!
Elizabeth: And that he has nothing better to do than deal with your petty differences.
Carly: I will make sure that Jason sees you for who you really are.
Elizabeth: Grow up, Carly. We have a baby's welfare to consider, not to mention Lucky and anyone else involved.
Carly: You trashed your marriage because you slept around on your husband.
Elizabeth: This coming from you, the town whore?
::Carly slaps Elizabeth::
I cannot process this much Carly bashing at once; I am on glee overload. (And let's face it, Liz was due for a bit of a slap. All's fair.)
Jason: I know you love me. And I know you want to fight for me. But this isn't about me.
Carly: How can you say that? You're a father. I remember how you were when Michael was a baby. How wonderful you were with him. How wonderful he turned out because of you.
Jason: How wonderful Michael turned out? Come on!
HAAAA! I'll spot you a couple of murders just for that, Jase.
Jason: Elizabeth didn't talk me into this, okay? We all agreed. Even Lucky -- that this is what's best for Jake.
Carly: I can see how she could convince Lucky, but you I don't understand.
Jason: You're just mad I didn't tell you.
Carly: No, I'm mad as hell at Elizabeth for convincing you, and manipulating you into not telling anyone. That's what I'm mad about.
Jason: Sonny -- Sonny knew that you would be like this too.
Carly: Sonny knows that Jake is your son? So who else knows?
Jason: Spinelli and Lulu. Emily even suspected.
Carly: You can trust them but you couldn't trust me?
Jason: Look how you're reacting!
I might hyperventilate.
Elizabeth: Nobody makes Jason do anything he doesn't want to. You should know that better than anyone.
Carly: You used his love for that baby.
Elizabeth: You know, Carly, it's no accident that Jason left you on the outside. He knew you were going to make things worse -- like you always do. You were so afraid of being replaced in Jason's life.
Carly: I know one thing. It won't be by you. Jake needs his father. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to pry him out of your hands.
Elizabeth: You're a mother. How can you possibly advocate separating me from my little boy?
Carly: I never said anything about separation. It's called joint custody. And it works great for me and Sonny. And it'll work great for you and Jason -- whether you like it or not.
I have no idea why everyone hates her -- she's such a charmer! (Laura Wright rocked the whole week, BTW, but even she can't make me like Carly.)
Sonny: Don't you have enough to deal with in your own life, Carly? Whatever happens to Jake is between Elizabeth and Jason.
Carly: Don't you think Elizabeth has already had enough to say? She's been manipulating the whole situation, including Jason.
Sonny: Yeah, but nobody manipulates Jason, so, I don't know what you --
Carly: Really? Do you think it was his idea to keep me in the dark about Jake being his son? I mean, the whole town knows!
Sonny: No, no, no. The whole world doesn't know. That's the point in not tellin' you. Because it's not your business. [Zing! - Ed.]
Carly: Jason is my dearest friend, okay? I'm closer to him than to anyone, including my husband.
Sonny: Doesn't that say something about your marriage? [Zing times two! - Ed.]
Carly: Don't you think that Jason deserves the opportunity to love and raise his son just like any other father?
Sonny: Well that's a self-serving argument, and not to mention hypocritical, since you tried to take my kids away from me. [Zing times three! - Ed.]
Carly: That was different.
Sonny: Well, of course you say that.
Carly: We were married and divorced. We were two passionate and volatile people who were just trying to hurt each other. And I was wrong to try and take Michael and Morgan away from you. They love you very much and their lives are better because you're in it. They were the ones who would have suffered.
Sonny: Well I'm glad that you came to this revelation now, when it serves your agenda. [ZIng times infinity! -Ed.]
I don't care that he's committed way more wrongs than she ever could, I don't care that it's hypocritical for him to lecture anyone about being manipulative, I don't care that speeches like this further solidify a mobster as the moral compass of this show: For those zings, I LOVE SONNY CORINTHOS.
[Becca's gushing wound has obviously seriously impacted blood flow to her brain and therefore her sanity. I'll restore her blogging privileges when and if she recuperates. I can't have this kind of language infecting our site. Thanks for your understanding, and for not hurling expletives or weaponry at her. - Mallory]
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.