General Hospital Week in Review
It's not as bad as it once was, but this show still sucks, right? Only with moments of awesomeness? I guess the replacement writers are saddled with so much crap from the regular crew that while they can improve the daily dialogue and provide the occasional deserving character with a kick in the ass, they still have to stick with stuff like the interminable Text Message Killer storyline that is eating the show unlike anything else in the last couple of years except maybe Jason's 19th murder trial.
Please try to ignore the heinous bangs that some evil stylist has
inflicted on Rebecca Herbst long enough to focus on the most talented and
expressive young actor in daytime.
I LOVE him. I think that "whachu talkin' about Willis?" look at Kelly Monaco in the last one is my favorite. I demand a new DNA test because there's no way someone that expressive is the son of Jason "C-3PO" Morgan.
I just don't even know what to say about Felicia anymore. I was cheering Mac's speech to her about how he was the one who was there for the girls and how he was the one who would find Georgie's killer, but her reaction was so bizarre it took me completely out of the scene.
Afterwards, I sent Mallory an email that basically said "why must I put up with this in addition to everything else and what the HELL is Kristina Wagner doing?!" and Mallory hilariously responded "The woman has more tics than a man who lives in the woods." I cannot possibly top that, so there you go.
I am so embarrassed for the replacement writers!
Jason: Look, your father and I have made choices for ourselves. I mean, some good choices, some bad choices...but all any parent wants is for their kid to have something better than they did. Okay? We want you to make the best choices. We want you to have a happy life. And we're always here to help you do that. But using a gun, no matter how good you think the reasons are, that is not the good choice! Look, I know you know this is not a toy, Michael. I know you see what a gun does to people on TV, in the movies, on those video games you play.
Michael: Blah, blah. I've heard this all in school. I don't know how to use them, I could get hurt or hurt somebody else.
Jason: Well then maybe you need to be quiet and hear it from me. Look, I think it's great that you want to protect your mother and your brother. It's not great that you want to get your hands on a gun to do that. You're old enough to understand what happens to a person when they get shot, you're not old enough to understand what it can do to you. How it can affect the rest of your life. You have no idea. Your father doesn't want you to have a gun. I don't want you anywhere around guns, okay? Holding a gun does not make you a man. Go back to school, you learn something, you do something nice for somebody. Are we okay?
It's totally not your fault, guys, because I'm sure if all you were looking at was the regular writing team's notebook, on the Jason page there were just lots of hearts and stars and superlative adjectives, but here's the thing . . . the guy kills people for a living. WITH A GUN! I know, right? This whole scene that otherwise would have been pretty great has kind of a headache-inducing eye-rolling quality to it now, huh?
I probably shouldn't tell you this either, because I have so thoroughly enjoyed you not knowing it, but, well . . . nobody is supposed to call Carly on her shit. She is the bravest, strongest, most loving, best mother in the whole world. Since Laura Wright and Steve Burton have been so amazing in all these scenes of Jason telling Carly how it is, I can only assume they are co-conspirators in keeping you in the dark, so I send them my "bravo"s and thanks.
Carly: Well, thank god Sonny came to his senses. Can you imagine that woman being my kids' stepmother?
Jason: Just stop. STOP.
Carly: Stop what, Jason?
Jason: Stop trashing anything good in Sonny's life. He loves Kate. And I think I'm the one who pushed him into making something happen with her.
Carly: Why would you encourage Sonny to make thing work with Kate when clearly they can't?
Jason: I don't know that, Carly. Neither do you.
Carly: Pushing Sonny into the arms of that woman? Have you seen her, Jason?
Jason: Just because you don't see something good in Kate doesn't mean Sonny isn't allowed to. You know what this is? This is just like me and Elizabeth.
Carly: Oh, Elizabeth. Here we go.
Jason: That's right, here you are, celebrating that Kate could be out of Sonny's life for good. Somehow you forgot about Sonny.
Carly: I did not!
Jason: And whatever happened to him, hit him so hard that he's off someplace now. You know how he gets. That's fine. You know what? Keeping Kate gone for a while gets you off my case, Elizabeth's case where Jake is concerned.
Carly: You have a little boy who doesn't have you. So excuse the hell out of me for caring. Don't you want to teach him how to throw a ball? Don't you want to teach him so many wonderful things?
Jason: I know you care, okay? I know you care. It's not good how you show it. You come down on people with both feet because they're not doing what you want or what you think is best. You stand there, you judge, you get to judge and nobody gets to say anything about what you do! What is this? You bored with Jax being gone, again?
Carly: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just love you. I do, I love you so much and I want you to have everything. I want all of us to have everything. I want you, me, and Sonny to have it all and something always gets in the way.
Jason: You're right, Carly. Sometimes that something is you.
I love you, replacement writers. I would totally have your babies, even if you shot me in the head while I was giving birth to them.
Last week, the potent combination of a much-needed haircut and a little leading-man-ish swoon-worthiness restored Logan's brutal hotness.
Logan: Lulu, please don't lie to me. Okay? Tell me one thing. Are we over?
Lulu: I...I don't know what we are. We seem to get things started and then something stops us, and then we try again, and something stops us again.
Logan: Because of Johnny. Because of Johnny. He's hurt and you're taking care of him someplace, aren't you?
Lulu: Look, it's not what you think.
Logan: Lulu, it's alright if you are. It is. You know, I've realized that if we have a chance in hell of being together I can't, I can't control you, or chain you to me. I just have to, ah, let you know that I'm crazy about you. I am. And hope that the feeling's mutual. ::kisses her:: It's called trust, and it's not something I'm good at. But it's all I've got here, so, ah, I know I've given you a lot of reasons to doubt me. But I'm gonna trust that no matter what, you know that Johnny's bad for you. And I'm going to work to be somebody you can respect and one day trust back.
Lulu: Logan, I...
Logan: Listen. How about we go later, grab some food, we'll go over to Miller's Pond, skate around the ice, have some fun. Huh? Yeah?
Lulu: Sure. Yeah. Okay.
Lulu could have looked a little more enthused, but apparently I'm supposed to feel for her, being torn between two hot guys.
Instead, I'm left wondering if the new writers realize how far they have to go before I find Lulu likable again, let alone root for her to land one of the two hottest guys in town.
I know it's getting tiresome for me to bitch about factual inaccuracies on GH -- because really, what else is new, like should I complain that a few too many people come back from the dead on Days, or that rape is overused as a plot device on daytime? -- but for a show that takes itself so seriously GH is crazily stupid sometimes.
Mac: Ric seems to be unreachable.
Mayor Floyd: Well, in that case maybe [Scott] should be appointed as special prosecuting attorney.
Scott: I think that's a good idea, Mayor Floyd.
Alexis: That won't be necessary, because Ric's asked me to fill in for him as DA while he's out of town. And I think that's probably a good idea; from what I can see you two are not the solution, you're the problem.
What the hell? Is that how it works now? You know, I like national parks. If the Secretary of the Interior goes on vacation, you think he could hand me off that gig? And my friend really likes to travel internationally, so when the UN Secretary General needs a break, I guess she'll get a call to fill in for a couple of weeks?
And then Alexis continues to handle the case after she was one of the killer's intended victims?!
I hate this show.
Speaking of which, OMG, this Text Message Killer storyline cannot end soon enough. Please end our collective misery, replacement writers! I swear to god, at this point they could reveal that the killers are AJ and Lila, and I would be like yeah, that makes perfect sense and is totally in character and thank god we have heroes like Jason to save the day.
I will admit that in addition to hating it, I'm a bit confused by the whole thing. First, Mystery Dude with the tattoo,
they're using Jason Gerhardt for his voice, right? Even though it was clearly established that that guy couldn't be Coop, because he couldn't be in two places at once?
And then there's the DNA results.
So I'm left with only one conclusion: an evil twin! Yes? You know I prefer those who are evil but twinless, but GH is just dumb enough these days that a heretofore unknown evil twin would fit right in. That's at about the level of storyline sophistication where it's hovering.
BTW, can I get a group RIP for Coop, who while mostly wholly uninteresting and directionless, was super gorgeous?
But the killer is going to end up being this random guy, right?
And Jason and/or Sonny will end up the heroes?
I...I hate this show. Truly I do. I need to quell my soap opera rage.
You guys, Emily is upset about something!
I can't imagine what it could be, because she is super stoked about the whole being dead thing.
I'm hoping Nikolas has the surgery and puts an end to this miserable excuse for a storyline. By which I mean the most romantic story in the history of soap operas (Bob Guza is always right).
Dr. Devlin is apparently the new hot doctor in town. Or so every other character, and Dr. Devlin himself, tells me.
There's a more detailed discussion going on in the forums, but basically my verdict on this dude is 1) skeevy, and 2) meh. I hate it when writers do nothing to demonstrate a soap character's awesomeness besides have other characters talk about how awesome s/he is, while continually asking viewers to disregard the highly assy things the character does. (See also Dawson Leery, Lucas Scott, Marlena Evans, Jason Morgan, etc.) This guy has been around for five minutes and apparently I'm supposed to be swooning, like the idiot new nurses?
Let me just channel Cameron for a moment and say bitch, please.
How does Rick Heart manage to make standing in front of a house compelling?
I would have taken ten more scenes of that over the Scooby-Doo gang's exploding boat exploits.
GH has inherited Days' inability to write believably for people under 30.
Despite his inclusion in the televisual clusterfuck known as General Hospital: Night Shift, I think I could totally love Dr. Leo Julian. If he cut his hair, of course. Because here's the thing, he's kind of adorably goofy.
Goofy and potentially gorgeous, a combination my nerd-loving heart can't resist. Or at least, that I couldn't resist if a male ponytail weren't involved.
I think the choice is clear.
I don't even know who to blame for this. The writers, the casting director, the wardrobe department? What the hell are these supposed to be?
These kids are what happened when your really enthusiastic 60-year-old drama teacher in high school decided to put on Oliver!, only with a hip-hop twist (to appeal to the youngsters!). These two did the play to get out of detention and looked on quizzically as their irritatingly excited leader threw around terms like "incorrigible," "hooligans," and "street urchins."
You've got to sell a handgun or two, yo
You've got to sell a handgun or two.
It was a week of big hair changes (Becky Herbst's unfortunate bangs
trim, Megan Ward's abandonment of the legendary bob, Josh Duhon's
long-overdue cut), with none bigger than Jane Elliot's.
The woman is FIERCE. Tracy is too, but man, I would vote for Jane Elliot to be president of everything.
One of our least popular picks for Best of 2007 was Lucky and Sam as best rebound couple -- probably because of the lying and the skeeziness and the child endangerment and so forth. But I continue to think they are a gorgeous enough twosome that I'll overlook anything. Anything except maybe Sam's recent wardrobe, and a freaking trust fall.
It's possible I just have something against the trust fall in general. That may or may not be related to the fact that I had to do one at the church camp I got sent to thinking it was sports camp, that in addition to requiring you to wear a dress on Sundays at freaking summer camp also kind of messed with the whole trust concept by failing to tell us that the reason we couldn't touch the bottom of the lake where swim practice was was because there were mothereffing leaches down there. LEACHES!!!
I think it's possible that scene was actually quite cute, is what I'm saying, but I refuse to acknowledge it because of its association with such an emotionally damaging experience.
So, Kate turned down Sonny's proposal and I thought hey, it's a good
thing the writers have tried to mature Sonny a bit lately and therefore he won't be so childish and reactionary anymore -- it should be interesting to see how he handles a breakup now. And then he
bought and smashed the crap out of a restaurant and movie theater and I
got a warm feeling all over because goddamn, it's good to have the
Sonny hate back in full force. How I'd missed it. With the Kate
wooing, and the Carly truth-telling, and the fewer homicide-ing, it had
faded so far into the background that I thought it might never come
back. But it's back, aided considerably by the long-dormant duh
Last year, Mallory nominated Sonny for Duh Face of the Year, a competition in which he continued to excel (and he won, in fact -- probably because Austin Peck is now on a soap neither of us watch so the competitiveness is significantly diminished). But Sonny is nothing if not ambitious, so he's throwing down the gauntlet for the 2008 title as well.
You stay duh-y, Sonny Corinthos.
Kate, meanwhile, dealt with the break-up by getting a haircut. Sigh. Megan Ward is still gorgeous, and I don't hate her new cut
(the back is especially fantastic)
but we had only had the fabulous bob since May. Sonny has had the same
haircut since the mid-90s! And Jason has had the same facial
expression for at least five years. I just miss the bob, is all. I'll
get used to the bangs, and the resurgence of the Sonny hate, but -- and
I can't believe I'm saying this about anything associated with GH in
the last two years -- I miss the good ol' days.
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.