General Hospital Week in Review
Some tragic things have happened to me over the last few weeks:
- Saleisha won America's Next Top Model, capping off a very disappointing season of one of my favorite TV guilty pleasures
- I was driving along and my innocent ears were assaulted by Hootie (and the Blowfish? I don't know if he's hooting on his own now) singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire (which, by the way, sounds so unappetizing to me -- who wants roasted nuts at the holidays when you can have whoopie pies or pumpkin cheesecake?)
- I was subjected to I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
- I left my Benefit Lipscription in the car and the lip balm part froze and is now ruined (yes, I can just buy another, but I am of Irish descent, so it takes me a while to build up the nerve to spend $32 on lip balm)
- Dirty Sexy Money ran out of pre-strike episodes
- A random pedestrian yelled at me that I was a "stupid fucking bitch" because my bumper was about a foot into a huge crosswalk of which he was the only occupier -- before I'd even had my morning caffeine
- Josh Duhamel ruined several holidays by getting engaged to effing Fergie
- I watched the GH Christmas episode
Once again, I can reach no other conclusion than that ABC Daytime is intentionally torching its flagship show.
I'm not religious, but if I were I think I would take GH's Christmas Eve episode as an affront to Jesus. I took it as an affront to good television. Let's briefly review the "highlights" of this holiday episode:
- Carly passed out and then sat on a couch, sick
- GhostAlan returned. Oh excuse me, Tracy's conscience that takes the form of a ghost of Alan returned. Not just in a tracksuit, but in a Santa hat. Because it's the holidays! And GH knows that the holidays are all about family! Especially dead family members. Praise Jesus. And ghosts.
- Sonny and Kate pined after each other, having broken up because he is a mobster who commits crimes for a living and occasionally has people killed.
- Maxie cried a lot and gave Felicia a gift from Georgie, a legacy character who was recently brutally, senselessly murdered.
- Jason started at Liz and her boys through a window, since he can't be with them on account of his career of KILLING PEOPLE FOR MONEY making him a danger to his babymomma and son.
- Luke's coma-dreams of purgatory kicked in again. I'm totally calling these bullshit interludes Luke's Hot Flashes from now on. I love Tony Geary, but there is nobody on daytime who I want to see doing a non-ironic version of My Way, particularly with a spoken-word stanza. You must be kidding.
- There was no Christmas-story-reading to the kids at the hospital, there was no holiday party bringing together a bunch of the characters.
So, yeah, that was GH's happy holidays message for you. Merry f'ing Christmas! If you don't celebrate Christmas, I think you should feel lucky not to be associated with this mess of an allegedly holiday-themed episode.
There were a couple of good moments, I guess.
Sonny: It's about time you cut your hair.
Ha! And woohoo! Steve Burton's new haircut debuted!
The 'do is also a bit hedgehog-ian for my tastes, but I think it's a combination of Burton's head shape and hair texture, neither of which I can hold him responsible for, so I'll let it go. It does make me think of Chad Michael Murray's similar follicular affliction.
And I think we can agree that comparison to Chad Michael Murray is a good thing in exactly zero circumstances. But still, Burton's new cut is an enormous improvement.
And the only other bit of good news from the Christmas episode, which isn't exactly a newsflash, but: Tracy rocks.
Luke: Tracy, I need you to do something for me. I want a Viking funeral.
Luke: No. Listen, I'm serious. I want you to just lay me in a rowboat, set it aflame, and shove me out into the harbor.
Tracy: That wouldn't be any fun unless you were alive.
Oh fine, writers: Hee!
Oh, and there were a few other episodes last week. To which, as usual, I say: meh.
Diane putting Sonny in his place about his relationship "sturm und drang" was pretty entertaining.
I like anyone taking Sonny down a few pegs, even if Diane's reprimands do tend to be a little overdramatic. At least this time she didn't bring up shoes. We are women, hear us roar.
Oh sigh. Another week, another offensive scene or two. The gay stylist stereotype Julius (BTW, who is the actor - some entertainment reporter, right?) was an unnecessary addition to the Kate-runs-back-to-NYC storyline. Apparently Kate lives in a previously unknown version of Manhattan, which consists solely of walking caricatures.
Julius was OTT to start with, but then he had to be up all over Max? Way to play against the predatory gay male myth, GH! I guess I wouldn't mind the stereotype as much if GH had a couple of gay characters on the canvas that weren't walking stereotypes, but I think the last gay Port Charles resident was Lucas, who was quickly ushered out of town.
Those scenes with Julius did provide one moment of hilarity, however, in which we as viewers were asked to believe that anyone would mistake the 40+, 5'8" Sonny for a model. I needed a good guffaw in the afternoon.
It says something (as usual, something not good) about this show that in a verbal battle between Carly and Robin, I couldn't even be 100% on Robin's side.
Carly: You know the difference between me and you?
Robin: Thankfully, there's a lot of them.
Carly: I go after what I want. I live my life and I don't apologize for it. Yeah, I've had some bumps along the way, but I have two beautiful children, and a loving husband. What exactly do you have?
Robin: Well, I am a doctor. And everything I have I have worked for on my own. Everything you have is thanks to your husbands.
Carly: You're a snotty little doctor, running around Port Charles, begging any old acquaintance for a donation of their DNA so you can have a kid.
Robin: And excuse me what is wrong with wanting to be a mother?
Carly: Well, let's see. You're cold, self-righteous, not to mention jealous, judgmental -- you can't even hold onto a man long enough to have a kid.
. . .
Carly: You had the most amazing, trusting man in Jason, and you blew it.
Robin: No, you had to come along with your bastard son and tell Jason to convince the entire world that it was his.
Carly: That's because Michael's real father was a conniving drunk. But you had to be honorable and tell the truth. And you know it broke Jason's heart to give up that little boy.
Robin: AJ was Michael's real father. He had the right to know.
Carly: Okay, what about the right of your baby's father? Or are you going to have him sign those away upfront?
Robin: You know what? You are way out of line.
Carly: You asked my husband to father your kid, and I'm out of line?
Robin: Jax would be the most amazing father and it's really a shame that you're too selfish to give him one of his own.
Okay, so, Carly was being a gigantic bitch, but . . . well, that's like saying the sun rose in the east today. Robin is the one who really irritated me. "Bastard son"? "You're too selfish to give" a man a baby? Ugh, who IS this person? Her baby rabies is out of character enough, but now she's all up in other people's child-rearing decisions. I would like Original Recipe Robin back, please. Jeez.
So, if you're keeping track, James Craig is Jerry Jax and is now also Moreau the mobster? That gets a big "whatever" from me. As if what this show needed was more mafia.
But Sebastian Roche speaking French did make me a little weak in the knees. Yummy.
So, Nikolas has an inoperable brain tumor. Uh-huh. Sure he does. I'm so totally convinced he's going to die, I'll just be biting my nails to the quick, worried about that outcome. Speaking of which, I don't mean to be rude, but since Dead Emily has secured a good colorist and makeup artist in....wherever it is that she is, could she not track down a manicurist?
Yikes. I guess she's just too busy continuing to be giddy about being dead.
I seriously have no idea what the hell the writers were thinking about with this dumbass story. It did, however, bring a small amount of joy into my TV-viewing life last week, with Lucky and Lulu's family resemblance really coming out when Nikolas told them the news.
Hee. This show is kind of on roll with these entertainingly in sync moments.
Here's hoping for more in-sync hilarity in 2008. And, you know, way less of the total disaster that is almost every other aspect of this show.
Most screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.