Serial Drama

[Tuesday]'s Dumbest Dialogue

I had been pleasantly surprised by the interim writers and their willingness to ignore the things that Bob Guza holds dear (like incoherent storytelling, insipid dialogue and a paralyzing hatred of Lucky Spencer). There are days when the show feels almost Awesome Writerish, though I am sure that Awesome Writer is not the type to cross a picket line, but there are other days when it's apparent that there is a Guza In Training (GIT) in the crop of interim writers.

Because, seriously, what the hell was this scene?

Carly: We're going to keep going over it until I convince Jason to go after custody of his son.
Elizabeth: I told you -- Jason, Lucky, and I all came to an agreement.
Carly: That's because you talked them into doing what you wanted them to do.
Elizabeth: To keep Jake safe from Jason's enemies.
Carly: I'm sorry, but how is he safe with you, given that he almost died in a fire? How did that happen on your watch?
Elizabeth: Does it really matter, Carly?
Carly: Yeah, it does. See, I've done some checking. Turns out that your first bastard son obviously likes to play with matches, and given you got yourself stuck outside, while Jason's son was stuck upstairs in the crib while the house was catching on fire.

(1) Can soap operas really throw the term "bastard son" around? Aren't three quarters of the kids born on soaps born out of wedlock?

(2) Did the writers just learn what the word bastard means? Was it one of the December entries in their "Racist, Misogynistic and Plain Old Offensive Word-A-Day" calendar? First Robin uses the word (which I still find shocking and completely un-Robin, especially since she loved Michael with her whole heart back in the day. Luckily, she got out before he evolved into the Michael that we know and fear to day) and now Carly, which is INCREDIBLY PERPLEXING, as Carly

...is the daughter of an unwed hooker and one of her johns

...is the mother of a child born out of wedlock

...is fighting for the rights of a brain-damaged mobster who is the son of a married man and his mistress

(3) Did that acid-tongued ho really just step to Cam? I hope he sets her entire polyester and sequined wardrobe on fire.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Mari[n]a?

There are, to my knowledge, at least eight things wrong with the wacky "Amber schemes to win the Fresh Face of Jabot contest by disguising herself" storyline Y&R has going on

• It features Amber in a starring role
• By "fresh", don't they mean fresh-faced and young and adorable and not...busted? If possible, Amber-as-Marina is even more busted than Amber in her everyday garb
• Michael Graziadei just got out of storyline hell with the porn addiction and now he's stuck playing second banana to Ambular and that's just unfair
• An angry ex-husband would be able to recognize his gross ex-wife, no matter how many layers of makeup, fake moles and Jersey mob wives wigs she wears. I know Cane is a little bit slow at times, but he's no Ricky Ricardo (granted, he was also shady for a few minutes and the writers threw that by the wayside, so maybe he got some sort of mental defect out of nowhere)
• Lily would be able to recognize her mortal enemy in any given situation, no matter how many layers of makeup, fake moles and Jersey mob wives wigs she wears. That's what being mortal enemies with someone is! First rule of fight club!
• A schemer like Amber would try to make her alias at least somewhat different than she is, to keep up the illusion of them being different people, which means that her alias would not also want to be a musician/designer, because that's suspicious
• A schemer like Amber would have already created an elaborate backstory for her alias and wouldn't get tripped up on questions like "Where are you from?"
• Someone who claims to want a career in design would under no circumstances, disguise or not, wear a wig clearly cribbed from an extra in an episode of The Sopranos.

That's just off the type of my head and does not include the most glaringly obvious reason why this entire storyline is a debacle: Amber Moore is a terrible character who does not belong on The Young and the Restless. Especially if the writers aren't going to embrace the personality traits (or defects) that make Amber Amber. And if we're going by lines like this:

Kay: Frankly, I'm more concerned about Amber.
Jill: Amber?
Kay: Mm-hmm.
Jill: Why Amber?
Kay: She's still head over heels in love with your son.
Jill: Well, after what she did to him, I couldn't care less if little Amber gets her heart broken. What is this thing with you and Amber?
Kay: For all her bravado, I think that my Amber is far more naive than your Lily.

...it seems like the writers most certainly are not going to embrace the characteristics that make Amber Amber.

(And I don't like saying this but it's necessary in this situation: Shut up, Kay. What next, discussing how sweet and well-adjusted that Amy Winehouse is?)

Shelle-Shocked

HOLY CRAP, you guys, Martha Madison (Belle) and Brandon Beemer (Shawn) have been let go from Days of Our Lives.  (Thanks so much to reader and forum poster lascuba for the link.  Although, note to Soap Opera Network:  Use of the term "super couple" for these two characters may very well have broken the internet.)

Carly's Comeuppance, Continued

I really don't think I can handle all this anti-Carly awesomeness.  Virtually everyone in town has told her off over the last couple of weeks, and now Jax got in on the bitchslapping action:

Jax:  The purpose of an intervention is to make the person aware that they have a problem.
Carly:  I don't have a problem, except you won't let me go help Jason.
Jax:  Do you realize how many times a day you mention that man's name?  How often you defend or rhapsodize about him?  How often you bring up how amazingly loving and protective he is, how great he is with the boys, and how no woman is ever good enough to be with him, and how often you stick your nose into his life to prove it?  A fact which in itself borders on inappropriate behavior for a married woman, and is highly insulting to said woman's husband.
Carly:  Okay, is this about you being jealous?
Jax:  No, it is about you being obsessive and having no boundaries where Jason is concerned.  [If by "Jason" you mean "everyone."  - Ed.]  I mean, even Jerry sees it.  [Hee.  Even Jerry.  -Ed.]

I don't care that TemporaryJax is suddenly British and even when he's regular AustralianIngoJax his hair is totally insane:  I LOVE HIM.  I truly do.

I am also quickly falling in love with the replacement writers.  GH may be the one soap on the air that will actually improve if the strike drags on.

Days of Our Lives Couple of Weeks in Review

I have been a bad Days blogger.  I know this.  John Black returned from the dead, and you got nothing.  Not a single post.  More than a week went by, still nothing.  I have no excuse, other than that I was totally consumed by dealing with personal trauma perpetuated by Balenciaga, writing preemptive obituaries for beleaguered pop stars, and trying to uncover the reason for my unhealthy addiction to boots.  But I will try to make up for it in the coming weeks.

So, yeah, turns out John wasn't really so much with the deadness.  Which, given the significance of such a return, was actually kind of anti-climactic, don't you think?  Over the span of a couple of weeks it was:  weird patient in Rolf's lab ---> strange figure in alley near Marlena ---> patient and strange figure are both John and EJ finds out he's alive!

Meh.

I did like that EJ was the one who discovered John

and that he got to be a little heroic by telling Marlena and her posse about him.  But then didn't it seem like only five minutes passed before Marlena and John were reunited? 

Stefano couldn't have outsmarted them at least once?  Where is my slow-burn soapiness?!

Anyway, UndeadJohn (with his bizarre, inexplicably hilarious hair) was, of course, being brainwashed by Stefano.  But brainwashing has come a long way since the rickety cages of the 80s!

That is the strangest set dressing ever.  It's like the club from Queer as Folk crossed with the bridge from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Who Needs Women In Their 40s Anyway?

I don't think anyone has ever been under the impression that it's easy to age as a daytime actress, but oy vey, what a run we're having of shows letting talented middle-aged actresses go.  I don't know what's going on on other shows, but on the two I watch anyone with boobs over the age of 35* has got to feel a bit uneasy.  (* This phrasing may make it sound as though I believe there are any boobs on daytime that are older than 35, which is of course crazy talk.  There are still a few women who have passed that landmark, however.  A few.)

[A couple of these exits haven't happened onscreen yet, so if you believe that kind of info is spoiler-y, don't check out the rest of this post after the cut.  There is no detailed plot info.]

And The Heavenly Choir Sings "Hallelujah"

Early yesterday afternoon, I was surprised to see people stopping what they were doing and turning to each other, glorious smiles on their faces, and starting to weep with joy. I was confused because I'm not familiar with the concept of being happy in the bitter cold, but then I realized that it was January 16th at 1 PM and knew in my heart that the order in the world had been restored because the fair Rebecca Budig had returned to the airwaves and the REAL Greenlee was in Pine Valley, banishing the animatronic Greenlee from our lives forever.

I decided that I'd simply have to watch her next performance live. Sure, I could keep watching AMC on SOAPNet, but I feel like you lose something in translation when you're seeing after the fact. Like, the Beatles at Shea Stadium was great, but wouldn't it have been better to be there in person? And yeah, I'm sure Abraham Lincoln was awesome and all, but I had seen him when he was alive, I'd think he was way more awesome than I do right now after merely reading about him in history books. Besides, everybody knows history books don't mean squat, especially since they haven't yet been updated with Rebecca Budig's return to AMC!

This plan coincided neatly with the fact that I took today off from work and, as such, could watch AMC live. Yes, I managed to make it to January 17th without taking a day off. I'm quite proud of that fact.

And a gift for you all, because I love you dearly: a recap!

General Hospital Week[ish] in Review

You guys, I'm so sorry for not having put up a GH Week in Review for almost two weeks.  My excuse is that I was having total babydaddy drama; mine is a hitman and that is, like, so complicated sometimes!  And then my older son, who totally hates the hitman (I heard him say something like "witch, tease" the other day, which I think is kid code for "I prefer Lucky"), freaking set our house on fire!  I mean sure, he had been playing with matches and I had caught him, but hello, I told him not to do it again. 

That totally works with most kids his age!  But instead he got the matches again and, long story short, almost killed his little brother.  And I severed an artery or something, which I didn't realize for the entire time it took me to get from my house to the hospital, even though it was supposedly a life-threateningly serious cut and even though I'm a nurse. 

So now I'm stuck in a hostage situation in the hospital (I'm told it's tense and dramatic and compelling, but I'm actually really bored), but at least I have some free time to blog!  Oh, and it's worth noting that my ex-husband is being all super dreamy and gorgeous and heroic, so of course that's a whole other pain in my ass.  My life is seriously tough and totally busy.  That's why I've been ignoring my hair.

I'm told by folks in the forums (I do no original research) that replacement writers have officially taken over Bob Guza's "writing" duties.  Maybe that explains why there appears to be consensus that at least on a day to day basis, the writing is a bit better.  The last week and a half or so really have been pretty decent.  Not everything is working, and I'm certainly bored some of the time, but the overtly offensive and violent stuff appears to be dormant, which is a nice change of pace.  If it turns out Guza is really secretly writing this stuff himself, I'm going to be embarrassed.  But I will still find a way not to give him credit for any improvement.

The Demon Grifter of Genoa City

The Young and the Restless has done many cruel things in the past few months (firing Adrianne Leon and replacing her with Tammin Sursok, promising us that nothing in Genoa City would remain the same when they all came out of the ashes and immediately taking it back, continuing to pass JT and Victoria off as true love) but the meanest of all is putting out into the universe the idea that Gloria could be accidentally murdered. Like, "So she's going to try to set Jeffrey up for her murder, but what happens if, whilst framing him for her death, she accidentally dies?! That would be awesome!"

And then I remember that one of Gloria's nutbar schemes not working to her advantage would be like Victor losing, or Sharon's hair looking like human hair, and then I get upset that Y&R even got me excited for a second about the delicious possibility of no more Gloria. In the words of the second rate boyband of the 90s*, quit playing games with my heart.

I still haven't quite worked out any part of this story: why does Jeff want to marry Gloria so badly? Can't he just blackmail her without making it legal? Can't he, possibly, blackmail her and get a huge payment and then turn her into the authorities, or at least allow all of the Abbotts to line up in the GCAC and clock her? You know Abby could cause some damage. I bet she fights dirty. And, in a world full of logical plans to deal with smarmy blackmailers, how and why did Gloria and Kevin land on "frame him for murder"?

Should I continue asking questions that I know will never get answered even though I run the risk of driving myself madder than Celestia Heche? Whatever happened to Nick's amnesia? Or the suggestion that the Newman plane going down and killing (except not) Nick was due to sabotage? Am I the only person who remembers Plum? If I can accept that people don't know that Clark Kent is Superman, why do I still find it so unbelievable that Cane and Lily don't know that Marina is actually Amber in disguise? I like Sharon, but why does Brad go to such lengths to stalk her and win her love? Does he have a thing for self righteous girls with synthetic weaves? When given the choice between staying comatose and reading Don Quixote, isn't it understandable that Victoria would choose to remain comatose? Does anyone in the world really believe that there is a chance Victor killed Ji-Min? Do the writers think we don't already know that the culprit was either David Chow or some nameless random extra? Why would Nikki marry David Chow? Even if she's on the rebound, aren't there more eligible bachelors in Genoa City? Am I supposed to take ADA Barbie seriously when she looks eighteen and uses the word "gnarly"? John Abbott never sucked in life, so why is Ghost John so unbearable? Why hasn't Lauren run for the hills, far away from the family of sociopathic criminals she married into? Why does Tracey E. Bregman get prettier every time she is onscreen?

*Yeah, BSB fans, I went there!

Watch This Space

Sorry for the delay on the Week in Reviews, guys.  I experienced a significant trauma last week and am taking time to recuperate. 

That's right; I saw the new Balenciaga ads.  Pray for me.

(Really, they should be up tomorrow....)

In the meantime:  Has the writers' strike, by taking Bob Guza out of the equation, improved GH's writers and made you less like to want to strike your TV with heavy objects?  Discuss.