Serial Drama

I Swear, This Show Feels Like It's Six Hours Long

You know, if All My Children is going to insist on being terrible, the LEAST it could do is be AWESOMELY terrible. A concentrated level of campy badness makes the time go by a lot faster (the premiere of One Tree Hill last night, not that I watched it, allegedly went by in, like, five minutes, aided, no doubt, by the brilliance of Nathan's hair. Allegedly.Whatever, shut up, there's a writer's strike going on and I need new entertainment and I gain energy from hating on Chad Michael Murray. It's better than caffeine!).

But AMC is not campily bad. It's just...bad.

For starters, how lame is the story where two people cheat on their significant others in a one night stand because they are grieving/angry/craving cheesecake and pledge to keep it a secret and then their significant others, who have no idea what's going on, keep forcing them to interact with each other and they suffocate under the weight of the awkwardness and it goes on interminably until the one night stand is revealed in dramatic fashion, like on the witness stand or something? I know, it's so lame. So when Zach ran off to find his homicidal ex and asked Aidan to watch Kendall, I actually hurt my face from rolling my eyes as hard as I did. Now I'm all wonky.

But seriously: this?

Zach: I'm trusting you with my wife. Keep her safe.

Wow, do you get the different levels that can be interpreted on? Ohmigod, it's like SO DEEP.

Can these two characters EVER be happy without a series of murderers, exes afflicted with baby rabies, kidnappers, psychotic people behind the wheel of a car, ill-advised sex romps and two tons of dramatic irony conspiring to make them miserable?

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

We hope that you all managed to read the 1/8 Issue of Soap Opera Digest. We were asked what we'd like to see on our shows in the 2008 and we had no trouble coming up with suggestions for the powers-that-be (shocking, isn't it?). Becca describes what she'd like to see this year on Days of Our Lives and General Hospital and Mallory shares her thoughts on what she hopes will happen on All My Children and General Hospital.

New Feature Alert: Serial Drama Dish Forums!

Happy new year, everyone!  We are excited to ring in 2008 with big news:  We're launching a message board!  We considered several names, including Serial Drama's Den of Bitterness, Hatred, and Some Remaining Vestiges of Humor.  But ultimately we went with a little alliteration and a soapy reference, dubbing the new forums Serial Drama Dish.

We know what you're thinking:  The online world needed another soap forum, seriously?  Well, we are just self-centered enough to think that we might be able to bring a slightly different flair to things, and we liked the idea of bringing all of Serial Drama's readers together in one place, other than in a hateful mob outside ABC Daytime's headquarters (which has looked like a distinct possibility of late).

So, what's the point of the forums?  Well, first, we know that many of you have lots to say, and long comments in response to our posts are great, but, let's face it, 1) our stuff isn't really that deep, and 2) the longer replies are hard for some people to read through, especially that rare breed of internet user who reads blogs at work.  So, in an effort to streamline the comments a bit so that they're really responses to/disagreements with/reactions to  posts, we're include a Dish About Serial Drama area in the new forums.  That way, if you have longer responses or a post prompts an extended back-and-forth among readers, you can head over to a better venue.  Also in Dish About Serial Drama, you'll find a place to make suggestions about post topics and submit Expression Hall of Fame entries, among other things.  (We appreciate all the emails we get from many of you about those things, but thought your fellow readers might like to participate, too.)

But really, we anticipate most of the traffic will be in the Shows Forum.  There you'll find what we hope are user-friendly and well-organized sub-forums for each of the daytime soaps still on the air (including ones we don't usually cover here on the blog), as well as an area for threads about other soaps.  We hope you fill that forum with lots of witty, insightful, bitchy, and/or bitter observations about the state of your favorite shows.

For now, the forums are on a trial basis, but we hope they'll thrive thanks to the good humor and astute commentary of our Serial Drama readers. So please register (or not -- guests are free to read the boards), read the rules, and post away!  Please enter the forums through the new link in the navigation bar at the top of the page or in the right-hand column here on the blog.  They're just a click away!

We'll see how this goes.  It's kind of a weird idea, but then we thought starting a blog to make fun of soap operas was a weird idea too, and that seems to have worked out relatively well.  You know, if you don't count the hate mail, carpal tunnel, and PTSD from repeated exposure to screencaps of soap "fashion."

General Hospital Week in Review

The General Hospital powers-that-be may not feel the need to shake things up and do something different (you know, like not suck), but that doesn't mean we have to fall into the same trap.  So I'm trying something new with this week's Week in Review.  (Preview:  There's even audience participation!)  Please be supportive, dear readers.  I have to sit through every episode of GH without fast-forwarding because of this blog and our SOD column, and I don't get hazard pay or anything.

Most annoying thing on GH last week?

♦  The ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan that the writers keep forcing on the viewing audience, an audience that presumably contains people who live in or who have visited New York City and therefore know this show is complete crap.  (In fairness, practically everyone knows this show is complete crap, but those with actual New York experiences have extra reason to think so lately.)

♦  Robin and Patrick ringing in the new year by having a patient die on their operating table and then "toasting" with champagne in plastic glasses on the floor of the hospital.

♦  Jason bailing on Liz on New Year's Eve to do work (reminder: which involves killing people for money), leaving her alone in that stupid safe house with her painter's block.

♦  Sonny getting arrested, as if anyone who has watched this show since the mid-90s actually thinks Sonny is going to go to jail at all, much less for being a dickhead in an art gallery in Cartoon Manhattan.

Days of Our Lives Week in Review

I continue to be challenged to come up with entertaining (by which I mean hypercritical and bitchy, as always) recaps of Days lately, because it's getting so good!  It's in some kind of inverse relationship with General Hospital, apparently. 

Anyway, let's dive right in.  The big reveal this week was Belle's infidelity.  Pop quiz:  This is the appropriate reaction of a man when his newlywed wife has just told him that

a.  the Brady Pub is out of clam chowder
b.  his TiVo is on the fritz
c.  she went a little crazy with the credit cards at the after-Christmas sales
d.  she cheated on him with her ex-husband (who is also the current husband's uncle and arguably the guy he hates most in the world)

If you're Shawn Douglas Brady, of course, the answer is d.  Freak.  It's a good thing that guy is so good-looking.

Jacob Young Has It Made

Some of you may not have a crippling, all too embarrassing addiction to a "reality" show on MTV and therefore may not watch MTV. I wouldn't blame you, as you always run the risk of contracting some sort of communicable disease from your TV set should you happen to catch A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila or any season of The Real World post-Back to New York.

But Made is actually a very cute show (I'm a sucker for both makeovers and underdog stories) and its new season premieres this Monday. On a brand new episode next Saturday, January 12th, at 3 PM, Made presents "Made: Soap Star":

Erick, a seventeen year old from Pennsylvania, is tired of feeling invisible.  So he's decided he wants to be MADE into a soap opera star to gain the celebrity he so feels he deserves. With soap sensation Jacob Young as his coach, Erick only has 5 weeks to learn the ins and outs of being a daytime star in order to nail the  once in a lifetime opportunity to audition for All My Children.

It's the highest quality program Jacob Young has appeared on since he played Rick on The Bold and the Beautiful.

I do hope, for Erick's sake, that "the ins and outs of being a daytime star" do not include being taken to Jacob Young's stylist...

The American Bitchass Company, Part the Second

ABC's humiliation of Sabine Singh will not be complete until they post her address on their homepage, inviting people to join in as they egg her home in retaliation for stealing, via deadly force, the role of Greenlee from Rebecca Budig.

That would only be slightly worse than what they have on their homepage now.

Click to enlarge and fully revel in the classiness

Brian Frons is even worse than I imagined him to be. I heart Budig and am excited to see her back in the role, but, really, isn't heralding her return in three different places, one of which includes a COUNTDOWN, a bit excessive? Not to mention plain disrespectful, since the, um, FAKE, I guess, Greenlee's episodes are still airing?

Awesome though she may be, is Rebecca's presence on the show enough to make the writing, directing, production values, wardrobe, hair and acting talent of her some of her peers improve enough to stop AMC from being daytime's laughingstock? Way to put pressure on the pocket-sized girl. Because, really, Greenlee's return for Ryan and subsequent babynapping and detour into the land of the crazy wasn't terrible because of Sabine Singh, it was terrible because the writing on this show sucks AND blows.

(And not for nothing, but if they just replaced the word "real" with "original", as commenters suggested in the past, it would have come across as a lot more tactful. Is that what the problem is? Can they not handle words with more than one syllable? Or do they just enjoy being mean? Or is it a terrible combination of both?)

My Hatred Is Reaching a Fever Pitch

It's nice to know, no matter who's writing The Young and the Restless, whether it be Lynn Marie Latham and Co. or the scab writers, that Brad Carlton will always irritate me to such a degree that I find myself having temper tantrums at my television set. It's oddly comforting to know that, no matter how the world around me changes, I'll have at least that one constant in my life.

Because, seriously. I hate him more than Amber. And Pepsi. And the color orange.

Brad: So you're staying with Jack? Well, there it is.
Sharon: You know, I thought about this for a really long time.
Brad: Maybe you should've thought about it a little longer.
Sharon: Um, I know how you feel about him. I know how a lot of people feel about him.
Brad: That he's a manipulating egomaniac? With some terrific bonus qualities like lying and cheating?
Sharon: That's my husband. And we're going to build a life together. You should see him with Noah.
Brad: Ugh, Sharon. We just talked about this. You're doing this for Noah, and I'm telling you, it's not a good reason. You're gonna be in a miserable marriage. You don't think Noah's going to pick up on that?
Sharon: He needs stability. And you know what? I'm--I'm not perfect. I'm really not. Who am I to hold Jack in judgment? So I'm giving us another shot.
Brad: The problem is it won't work.
Sharon: No, the problem is that I shouldn't be coming to you to discuss this. So if we are going to be friends, Brad, in the future, this subject is closed. Permanently.

He is just...he is just the worst. I think we need to dissect this scene line by line.

The War on Brunettes

I think we've all made bad hair decisions. Mallory was once briefly a redhead, a tragic decision that still haunts her.  For my 30th birthday, I decided to get highlights for the first time ever.   I had no idea what to ask for, so I said to the colorist, whom I had never met before, at a random spa:  "Just do whatever you think will look best.  I trust you!"

Right.  You can see where this is going.  It was a disaster.  "Don't look at me!  I'm hideous!"  Anyway, all that's to say that we all make hair mistakes.  Lately, I've felt bad for a couple of actresses on GH, because their hair-don'ts are plastered all over the airwaves nationwide.  But there's a silver lining to this: I think there's a way we can blame GH! (Coming soon: How we can blame GH for global warming, and pigeon overpopulation.)

I just don't think it's possible that all of these actresses independently made similarly horrible decisions -- the GH showrunners must be behind this obvious war on brunettes. 

We've been complaining for a while now about what the spectacularly beautiful Rebecca Herbst has done to her formerly gorgeous dark hair. It used to be that when GH got truly awful (you know, for about 4.5 hours every week), I could rely on her dark, shiny, perfectly styled hair to inspire me to greatness, pulling me out of my soapy doldrums. No longer.

Don't try to sway me with fabulous bitchface, missy.  That hair is awful.

Sure, call your friends.  But if they haven't helped you before now, they don't really love you.  They're not good people.  Do they perhaps kill human beings for a living?

I'd be blue too, Becky/Liz.  That is just the saddest ponytail ever.  There's just so much wrongness.  The roots, the highlights, the high bangs . . . it's like every bad early-90s hair trend on one poor defenseless head all at once.

And the bad-hair-edness doesn't end there.

Our Column in the 1/8 Issue of SOD

For our first column of 2008, our editors asked us what we'd like to see in the New Year. Aside from our obvious hopes and dreams (unlimited amounts of NARS Blush and Jason Thompson's phone number, for instance), we do have a few wishes for what we'd like to see on All My Children, Days of Our Lives and General Hospital this year. Be sure to check out the January 8th issue, on newsstands now!