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« Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column | Main | Watch This Space »

January 09, 2008

I Swear, This Show Feels Like It's Six Hours Long

You know, if All My Children is going to insist on being terrible, the LEAST it could do is be AWESOMELY terrible. A concentrated level of campy badness makes the time go by a lot faster (the premiere of One Tree Hill last night, not that I watched it, allegedly went by in, like, five minutes, aided, no doubt, by the brilliance of Nathan's hair. Allegedly.Whatever, shut up, there's a writer's strike going on and I need new entertainment and I gain energy from hating on Chad Michael Murray. It's better than caffeine!).

But AMC is not campily bad. It's just...bad.

For starters, how lame is the story where two people cheat on their significant others in a one night stand because they are grieving/angry/craving cheesecake and pledge to keep it a secret and then their significant others, who have no idea what's going on, keep forcing them to interact with each other and they suffocate under the weight of the awkwardness and it goes on interminably until the one night stand is revealed in dramatic fashion, like on the witness stand or something? I know, it's so lame. So when Zach ran off to find his homicidal ex and asked Aidan to watch Kendall, I actually hurt my face from rolling my eyes as hard as I did. Now I'm all wonky.

But seriously: this?

Zach: I'm trusting you with my wife. Keep her safe.

Wow, do you get the different levels that can be interpreted on? Ohmigod, it's like SO DEEP.

Can these two characters EVER be happy without a series of murderers, exes afflicted with baby rabies, kidnappers, psychotic people behind the wheel of a car, ill-advised sex romps and two tons of dramatic irony conspiring to make them miserable?

Richie: A real kick in the pants, isn't it, sis? I get a second chance at life and Ryan gets a bullet to the head

I heart Richie, and lines like that are the reason why. He's deliciously warped! I feel like the AMC writing staff gives him their best bon mots. As nice as that is, I wish they'd share the wealth a little, because all of the other dialogue is pretty insipid.

Greenlee: I guess it took me being underground in a bomb shelter for a whole month almost dying to realize what I had all along -- my friends, my Aidan, my father.

So they're wondering why Sabine Singh is struggling with the role of Greenlee and never once did it cross their minds that their hackneyed, Wizard of Oz knockoff dialogue might have something to do with it?

Kendall deserves love, but so do I, and we're never going to do anythinto ruin that for each other -- never.

Yeah, I see it now, Sabine Singh is TOTALLY the problem! The fact that she can't fully commit to dumb lines obviously written by the eighth grade girls they have scabbing for them is downright pitiful! Let's stone her!

Ryan: I have a beautiful wife that I adore, I have children that I love, and I am dancing in here with Erica Kane. I don't think I could be any happier. I really don't. We got it now.

The "Traumatic head injury leads [Character] to go wacky crackers" was much better when Victor head butted hijackers and got epilepsy on The Young and the Restless. Ryan getting shot in the head and going kooky just isn't doing it for me. Possibly because Ryan is such a douche, even when he's trying to be zen.

Not to mention: I know that they got rid of Stacy Haiduk and needed to write Hannah off, but this was such a bizarre way to do it. I'm not exactly surprised, because they never knew what to do with Hannah once the initial "ZACH/KENDALL ROADBLOCK" shock wore off--was she a strong career woman? Was she crippled by her need to have another of Zach's children? Was she a weirdo who slept with Alexander Cambias Senior?--but even for this regime, a triple dose of attempted murder/hostage holding/sexing up a teenager is a bit much. And not to mention...Sean?! I think Sean is pretty much adorable, but it was still so out of nowhere.

And where does this leave Colby?! He's cheated on her twice now and she's become so awesome that she just doesn't deserve it. I'm concerned for her, but I look forward to an interesting story developing, in depth, over the next few weeks because Colby is practically a leading lady!

Comments

Can we at least give the writers credit for managing to ruin it even more just when we thought they couldn't?

Somewhere, Megan McTavish, no longer known as the worst writer in AMC hitory, is laughing and laughing and laughing...

I think I know who is the scab over at AMC...it has to be Guza...seriously....Zach starts thanking Aiden every three seconds and I'm going to know it for a fact!

Whoever is writing this crap needs to invited to join the WGA, seems to me that would be the only way to stop them. Frons deserves to be replaced by whoever did the job before him.. REALFrons perhaps?

As sad and wrong as Sabine Singh's firing has been, she at least will be able to escape the moronic, idiotic storylines that are currently destroying All My Children. Who knew that being fired from All My Children would actually be a blessing in disguise?

Now we just have to wait for the final nail in the coffin with the return of the "real Greenlee." The only thing "real" about All My Children right now is that it is REAL BAD. At least with Passions, I know that I'm supposed to laugh. With All My Children, I simply find myself crying in frustration. Please, somebody tell Brian Frons that we want the "real" All My Children to return and not some badly written imitation.

Femina

Actually, Femina, James Scott is another person who can say that being fired from All My Children is a blessing in disguise...actually, there's a couple of other people who can say the same as well.

At least we still have Richie...that still counts for something...right? Right?

I don't watch AMC but I felt the need to comment on OTH...but like you I totally didn't watch it. But hypothetically if I did watch OTH, I might have possibly fallen head over heels for the 4 year old. Any chance he'll be the lead the whole season? If so, that show totally has a new viewer.

I'm more than annoyed at the Z/K/G/A nonsense.

I flove G/A together. I am continually astounded at the lack of creativity with today's soap writers. Ailee fans are just as pissed off as the Zen fans. To quote Colleen Brady "Jaysus help us!"

And could Kendall dial down the guilt? It would be more effective if she just wore a T-shirt that said "My husband was trapped in a bomb shelter and all I got was a One Night Stand"

I'm at the point where I wish Alicia and Thorsten would leave AMC so I can have an extra 5 hours/week. They have a gold mine in Zendall and they just decided to blow it off for the "Real Greenlee". Good luck with that one Frons!

Not only that, but as soon as Rebecca is back, it's going to be Greenlee and Ryan again. Most shows that aren't GH would have enough common sense not to put the most annoying characters on the canvas together and show them 24/7.

See all signs point to Guza scabbing it up at AMC!!!

One good thing that will come of Sean continuing to be a cheating jack-arse..

Colby can get with that ridiculously hot guy.. hiding out in the secret passageways of her mansion? Huh? This sounds stupid even in writing.

iam sick of the lies kendall and aidumb are keeping from these people who went through hell to get back to them, it is GONNA bit them in the arse big time, and KENDALL most of all, she has the most to lose,,,,,AND THAT IS ZACH, and iam sure that pv has a few women that would keep him warm at NITE....so girlfriend better check herself before she wrecks herself.......IJS

what makes me see red is that kendall/aidan do not have the guts to tell the people that they claim to LOVE the truth, before someone else does, so they have no one to blame but themselves when it happens.......and kendall better let zach have his ANGER or whatever else he needs......with her cheating behind.......JMO

As a viewer for over 25 years, I haven't been watching lately but just from reading the recaps, it's painfully evident that there are no long-term story projections for this show. Did B&E really think they could just write a new car accident every sweeps period (Greenlee/Spike in July, Richie hitting Zach in November) and hold viewer interest?

I'm not a Zendall fan, but for Kendall to sleep with Aiden was so out of character and moronic. It was almost as bad as when McTrash had Ryan marry Greenlee, his former stalker. It saddens me that Rebecca's return probably means more Rylee since this couple has never worked together and imo is an insult to those of us who remember Ryan's real true love, Gillian!

Nothing makes sense anymore and couples are just randomly falling into bed. Aside from Aiden/Kendall, why did Sean cheat on Colby with Hannah and why did Tad marry and sleep with Krystal?

This garbage is unwatchable. Frons needed to be fired three years ago. I miss the real AMC!

Anyone who watched soapnet's AMC episodes from the 1980's this weekend knows why AMC USED to be such good soap. Oh, the joys of Enid, Phoebe, Langley, Brooke, Greg, Barbara, Matt Connelly, etc.

While the repeat episodes were supposed to set up the return of Angie/Jessie, all they did for me was make me long for the good ole days, and show, by contrast, just what total crap today's AMC is. To me, these nostalgic trips down memory lane just make me even more glad that I stopped watching my one-time favorite soap.

lynne

Getting back to the "real Greenlee," I know you're a fan of Budig but, let's face it, the girl flopped in her attempts to go beyond AMC. She had nothing else to do with her life, so she pressured the ABC brass to give the role back to her (as if she owns it!) What's pathetic is that they actually complied. Boy, AMC's ratings must really be in the crapper if they had to resort to such a negative promotion to herald the return of Budig. Me? I'll pass.

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