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« Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column | Main | Watch This Space »

January 09, 2008

I Swear, This Show Feels Like It's Six Hours Long

You know, if All My Children is going to insist on being terrible, the LEAST it could do is be AWESOMELY terrible. A concentrated level of campy badness makes the time go by a lot faster (the premiere of One Tree Hill last night, not that I watched it, allegedly went by in, like, five minutes, aided, no doubt, by the brilliance of Nathan's hair. Allegedly.Whatever, shut up, there's a writer's strike going on and I need new entertainment and I gain energy from hating on Chad Michael Murray. It's better than caffeine!).

But AMC is not campily bad. It's just...bad.

For starters, how lame is the story where two people cheat on their significant others in a one night stand because they are grieving/angry/craving cheesecake and pledge to keep it a secret and then their significant others, who have no idea what's going on, keep forcing them to interact with each other and they suffocate under the weight of the awkwardness and it goes on interminably until the one night stand is revealed in dramatic fashion, like on the witness stand or something? I know, it's so lame. So when Zach ran off to find his homicidal ex and asked Aidan to watch Kendall, I actually hurt my face from rolling my eyes as hard as I did. Now I'm all wonky.

But seriously: this?

Zach: I'm trusting you with my wife. Keep her safe.

Wow, do you get the different levels that can be interpreted on? Ohmigod, it's like SO DEEP.

Can these two characters EVER be happy without a series of murderers, exes afflicted with baby rabies, kidnappers, psychotic people behind the wheel of a car, ill-advised sex romps and two tons of dramatic irony conspiring to make them miserable?

Richie: A real kick in the pants, isn't it, sis? I get a second chance at life and Ryan gets a bullet to the head

I heart Richie, and lines like that are the reason why. He's deliciously warped! I feel like the AMC writing staff gives him their best bon mots. As nice as that is, I wish they'd share the wealth a little, because all of the other dialogue is pretty insipid.

Greenlee: I guess it took me being underground in a bomb shelter for a whole month almost dying to realize what I had all along -- my friends, my Aidan, my father.

So they're wondering why Sabine Singh is struggling with the role of Greenlee and never once did it cross their minds that their hackneyed, Wizard of Oz knockoff dialogue might have something to do with it?

Kendall deserves love, but so do I, and we're never going to do anythinto ruin that for each other -- never.

Yeah, I see it now, Sabine Singh is TOTALLY the problem! The fact that she can't fully commit to dumb lines obviously written by the eighth grade girls they have scabbing for them is downright pitiful! Let's stone her!

Ryan: I have a beautiful wife that I adore, I have children that I love, and I am dancing in here with Erica Kane. I don't think I could be any happier. I really don't. We got it now.

The "Traumatic head injury leads [Character] to go wacky crackers" was much better when Victor head butted hijackers and got epilepsy on The Young and the Restless. Ryan getting shot in the head and going kooky just isn't doing it for me. Possibly because Ryan is such a douche, even when he's trying to be zen.

Not to mention: I know that they got rid of Stacy Haiduk and needed to write Hannah off, but this was such a bizarre way to do it. I'm not exactly surprised, because they never knew what to do with Hannah once the initial "ZACH/KENDALL ROADBLOCK" shock wore off--was she a strong career woman? Was she crippled by her need to have another of Zach's children? Was she a weirdo who slept with Alexander Cambias Senior?--but even for this regime, a triple dose of attempted murder/hostage holding/sexing up a teenager is a bit much. And not to mention...Sean?! I think Sean is pretty much adorable, but it was still so out of nowhere.

And where does this leave Colby?! He's cheated on her twice now and she's become so awesome that she just doesn't deserve it. I'm concerned for her, but I look forward to an interesting story developing, in depth, over the next few weeks because Colby is practically a leading lady!


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