The War on Brunettes
I think we've all made bad hair decisions. Mallory was once briefly a redhead, a tragic decision that still haunts her. For my 30th birthday, I decided to get highlights for the first time ever. I had no idea what to ask for, so I said to the colorist, whom I had never met before, at a random spa: "Just do whatever you think will look best. I trust you!"
Right. You can see where this is going. It was a disaster. "Don't look at me! I'm hideous!" Anyway, all that's to say that we all make hair mistakes. Lately, I've felt bad for a couple of actresses on GH, because their hair-don'ts are plastered all over the airwaves nationwide. But there's a silver lining to this: I think there's a way we can blame GH! (Coming soon: How we can blame GH for global warming, and pigeon overpopulation.)
I just don't think it's possible that all of these actresses independently made similarly horrible decisions -- the GH showrunners must be behind this obvious war on brunettes.
We've been complaining for a while now about what the spectacularly beautiful Rebecca Herbst has done to her formerly gorgeous dark hair. It used to be that when GH got truly awful (you know, for about 4.5 hours every week), I could rely on her dark, shiny, perfectly styled hair to inspire me to greatness, pulling me out of my soapy doldrums. No longer.
Don't try to sway me with fabulous bitchface, missy. That hair is awful.
Sure, call your friends. But if they haven't helped you before now, they don't really love you. They're not good people. Do they perhaps kill human beings for a living?
I'd be blue too, Becky/Liz. That is just the saddest ponytail ever. There's just so much wrongness. The roots, the highlights, the high bangs . . . it's like every bad early-90s hair trend on one poor defenseless head all at once.
And the bad-hair-edness doesn't end there.
Kimberly McCullough is adorable, and I think many of us could relate when she got the too-short bangs last year. These things happen. What does not kill us makes us stronger. Or at least makes us commit to a more conservative approach to haircutting.
Here's the thing, though. With the bangs issue, don't you think you'd double your efforts to make sure your styling and color were perfect? The sadists who do GH's hairstyling apparently disagree. First there was that horrible half-braided thing they did for Robin's pivotal scenes after Georgie's [senseless, horribly written] death:
And last week the weirdness continued
This is...not awful, though not especially flattering. But then, much like the mullets of yore, the party in the back catches you off guard. And is terrifying.
Perhaps Kimberly is, unlike her character, a bit phobic about long-term involvements. I can relate. But semi-permanent haircolor is a widely available option! Consistent color without a long-term commitment. It would have been an excellent solution.
But good news! There was another mostly excellent solution, one that at long last she did choose (I imagine over the weekend, sneaking out from under the watchful eye of GH security thugs, assigned to ensure that no actress dares look her best onscreen lest she detract from the godliness of Jason and Sonny).
I speak, of course, of the haircut.
It's cute! It will hopefully help grow out those bangs, and the length is much more flattering on her. However, if they weren't going to cut off all the red, couldn't the cut have been paired with at least a rinse? Oh well, baby steps. Oh god, did I say "baby"? Kimberly McCullough is probably going to hunt me down and kick me in the shins -- I imagine she gets all twitchy just having to read that word anywhere close to her name these days, what with Robin's baby rabies having become the sum total of the character's personality.
Anyway, back to the important stuff: hair and clothes.
Perhaps the worst of the GH war on brunettes is what they've done to poor Kelly Monaco (or, god forbid, what she's done to herself). It's bad enough she has to portray Sam of a Thousand Nonsensical Backstories, now this.
Who looks at Kelly Monaco and says, you know, what would be really great is if she looked ten years older, and like she gets her color done in the trailer next door?
She's so pretty, with great coloring for her naturally dark hair! What the hell?!
What is that?
Also, while I appreciate that they no longer have her traipsing around in tank tops throughout the fall and winter, is there a reason they've decided to dress Sam as if the next stop after her fling with Lucky is a nunnery? I mean, if I had her body, I would walk around in this every day. But while I don't expect GH to go quite that far, and I appreciate a bit of diversity in Sam's wardrobe, the turtlenecks -- particularly when paired with this unfortunate new hairdo -- are uncalled for.
The wardrobe department did make a good decision with this beret, however.
Yes, seriously, sweetie. It's a real problem when I think a freaking beret is an improvement. Please beat the GH hairstylist senseless and get thee some drugstore hair color. While you're there, could you pick up a package for your co-stars? Thanks!
Most screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.