Days of Our Lives Week in Review
This week of Days was a rollercoaster of soap-viewing emotions for me: On the one hand, the dialogue has gotten SO AWFUL that I start looking for things to do while watching the show, including but not limited to sorting my socks by season and color (true story). But on the other hand, about a third of the week was flashbacks to episodes that sucked less, and plus you saw John slam Marlena's head into that big wooden door, right? Then I'm sure you can see that there were bright spots.
I know I sound like a broken record, but dudes, Marlena is annoying
the hell out of me. I'm sure Deidre Hall is a nice person, and there's
no question she's a Days icon, but for the love of the god
that Colleen won't shut up about, could I get a Doc-free couple of
days? And John. Ugh. Drake Hogestyn has totally embraced the
ham, with a side of robot, and while it is entertaining in an "oh
my god, this is SO bad, I have to call Mallory this instant" kind of
way, it's otherwise, you know, not good. (He tasted his tears, people!)
HOWEVER. All is forgiven, because this week, when John bashed
Marlena's head into that door? SOAP HEAVEN, ladies and gentlemen. I
mean, I am totally opposed to violence -- unless it is perpetrated against
the people at both Ann Taylor and Gap who decided there was a need for
a size called "00 - Curvy" -- but did that fake clunk of a skull
against wood not make weeks of ODing on Marlena airtime completely and
utterly worth it?! I am giving myself a pass on enjoying what is technically domestic violence because of the high-camp factor, and because, well, Marlena annoys the shit out of me. I am absolutely content with my moral relativism.
So anyway, Nolebucgrl in the forums posted that someone had made a video of The Slam on a loop, so of course I had to check it out. If you like your uproarious physical assaults in small pieces, here is The Slam. If you like it repeatedly and digitally manipulated in a most hysterical fashion, here is the video Nolebugrl mentioned. Awesome.
And then there's this next video. Here's the thing: I hate those compilation "OMG, isn't MY couple so awesome?!1!?!11!!" videos on YouTube. Or I should say, I don't understand them. Who has that kind of time? And inclination? Who decides to make a video about the tortured relationship of Jason and Elizabeth instead of doing something really productive, like reading fashion blogs or watching 80s teen movies on cable? I don't know. But, all that being said, I've totally watched a few of them. Nostalgia kicks in and I'm all, yes, I DO need to see Steve and Kayla's story set to a Journey tune! Right now, on my laptop! I so do!
Ahem. I've gotten a bit off track. Back on it, there are an assload of John and Marlena: The Truest Love In the History of All Love That Is So True We've Lost Track of the Fact That It's Fictional
videos on YouTube. So if that's your thing . . . never mind, if that's
your thing, you're probably not here (but you're welcome here, regardless; just please don't email me any links to those things). Anyhoodle, YouTube also has a recap
of the less romantic moments of their relationship (capped off with The Slam), in the form of an awesomely snarky video called "Love Hurts"
that is set to both that song as well as, I shit you not, "Smack That
Bitch Up." I implore you to watch it, and also write in its creator evilgenius1967 for president on any available ballots, because this thing is made of funny. I emailed the link to Mallory and she replied:
I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that Al Gore's dream of the world wide web has served its purpose and can close shop now because nothing will ever, ever be better than that.
We think you'll agree that is not hyperbole in the least:
(If the embed isn't working in your browser, here's the link.)
I know I should just sign off right now, because I cannot possibly be as entertaining as that, but for those who want to brave it, the rest of the week does deserve a recap. Well, not "deserve," but, you know, it's what we do here.
The daily dialogue on this show has become James E. Reilly-level awful again, right?
Chloe: When Shawn's grandfather said Colleen wanted to see her family, did you have any idea it would be to tell them she was dying?
Phillip: Not at all. We knew she was frail and weak, but to find out she was dying . . . that's a shock.
Chloe: Yeah. The Bradys just got Colleen back. To lose her again like this? It's a cruel irony.
Phillip: This is going to hit them all very hard.
First of all, let's get real, Chloe wouldn't know what irony means. Second of all, this was one of many times this week when the writers had a character say something that was so totally obvious it was laughable. Oh, death hits survivors hard? You don't say. Any wisdom to impart about whether rainbows are colorful?
John: By all means, mother, let me process some of your details.
I know he's acting like a robot, but talking like one is a different matter. This veered towards Spinelli-on-GH territory, and I will not stand for that. (Although, of course, The Slam made up for this.)
Marlena: But it was something more powerful than Stefano's mission.
Kayla: What's that?
Marlena: I'll tell you, but brace yourselves. It's pretty shocking. And completely unexpected.
You know how soap viewers know when something is shocking and completely unexpected (assuming anything is, these days)? When they SEE IT on the SCREEN. This writing is turning half the cast into narrators.
Bo: Right now I need some specifics. What exactly did those tests say?
Kayla: Elevated bilirubin, and high levels of alkaline phosatates.
Bo: What does that mean?
Kayla: Let's just say it's alarming. Very alarming.
Bo: Life-threatening alarming?
Kayla: You know, I would rather not say until we have more tests.
That is like a Who's On First routine. This whole story of Bo's illness is already being handled so bizarrely -- "You're sick, and probably dying, and you should be very worried, and we flew across the Atlantic just to tell you that in very broad and unhelpful terms, but stay strong for Hope!" -- but this crap with Kayla acting like both a terrible sister and an incompetent doctor is especially annoying.
So, when Roman came over to finalize the whole "Victor intimidated Mr. Decker into dropping the charges" story (Welcome back, Victor! Where have you and your mustache been?), Victor called Roman "Detective Brady." Now, not that I don't think it's warranted based on job performance, but is Roman the first cop in history to be demoted multiple times?
At one point he was the commander (or commissioner? chief bigwig?), then I can't remember why but Abe became commander and Roman got bumped to deputy commander, and now he's just a plain old detective? Hope's hasn't been a cop in like a decade and last week she came back as a detective!
I'm the worst doctor in the world and I'm chief of staff of University Hospital! Isn't that hilarious?
Lexie continues to demonstrate her medical and ethical ineptitude, this week ignoring for the thousandth time that pesky little concept known as doctor-patient privilege. Telling EJ that Kayla is pregnant before telling Kayla herself?! Eegads.
Oh, and a baby better not make Steve and Kayla boring. I'm just saying. I prefer the Bo and Hope route, where they leave their infant daughter with lord knows who while they traipse about the globe, solving mysteries and being adorable.
They're very good at it.
Okay, so back to the part of Cardboard Ireland (where everyone's U.S. cell phones work perfectly, FYI) not related to The Slam.
My unspoiled suspicion was confirmed; John is Colleen's son! Shock and awe! We have no explanation for the six hundred or so other times that John has been sure of his parentage, but whatever, John is a Brady. And a DiMera. Woo...hoo?
Colleen's reunion with Shawn Sr. was nice.
But then BOOM, they offed her! Without having any interaction between Colleen and Sami, or Colleen and EJ! And without her being involved with John regaining his memory, or further assaulting Marlena! What the hell?
And then they had that kind of weird funeral
at which everyone held Colleen's ashes in their hands!
Ew! So unsanitary! Is this normal? I both am Irish and have attended ashes-scattering memorials, and I've never heard of such a thing. (The service also wasn't Catholic, was it? So bizarre.)
Anyway, Shirley Jones -- other than the accent -- turned out to be good in the role, but a week only? And no interaction with Allison Sweeney and James Scott? As has been the case with most of the "resolutions" in this extended story, I'm not very impressed.
You guys, I'm really worried about Lucas.
The poor guy is rapidly morphing into an angry emoticon.
(Though it is worth noting that none of the thousands of angry emoticons on the internets have resorted to such ill-advised facial hair.)
And you know when that occurred to me? While actually watching the scenes with Lucas in jail, because they are THAT boring and my mind just drifts. I don't understand what the writers want me to think about this. Should I feel sorry for Lucas, who is in jail for doing something he has admitted he did do? I don't. Next? (Lucas needs to get out of jail and have some kind of alternate love interest, so that there's something more interesting about his relationship with Sami. Right now it's snoozeville.)
And what the hell is going on with the time frame? Episode-wise Lucas confessed around two weeks ago, but it made the front page of the Salem Spectator on Friday's episode. So in less than a day, half of Salem has traveled to Ireland, found NotDead Colleen, spent time with NotDead Colleen, and buried NowReallyDead Colleen? I'm so confused. And you know how pissy I get when Days manages to make me feel stupid.
And meanwhile, why do Sami and EJ still have to hang out in the most luxurious and least secure safe house ever, with Stefano AlmostDead? Why aren't they in the Colleen story? Why did effing Chloe and Phillip get to be at Colleen's funeral but but Sami and EJ didn't? Why is James Scott able to look gorgeous at even the most unflattering camera angles?
Some of these questions are more important than others.
P.S. This is a freaking adorable baby, y'all:
I actually liked Max's surprise birthday picnic.
And I continue to think Max and Stephanie have great chemistry. I don't know what's wrong with me, readers! There was so much to mock (Max's hair, Steph giving him a stuff horse, the fact that they are uncle and niece), but I enjoyed these scenes. I know I'm disappointing you.
I am so peeved that Days canned the fabulous Julie Pinson. And I thought Billie should have stayed in town at least long enough to fix Kate and Chelsea's hair.
(This screencap notwithstanding, Rachel Melvin's hair has been a bit bizarre lately. The random patches of color like her onscreen grandmother particularly worry me.)
But I'm glad they didn't kill Billie off or leave her whereabouts unknown. Cardboard London is fun this time of year! Farewell, Julie. I won't feel bad for you since you go home to Billy Warlock.
Tamara Braun made her first appearance on Friday. I am optimistic about her storyline. No, I don't know why, given the current writing. I guess I'm just hopeful she'll at least get to slam Marlena's head into a fixed object of some kind. Hope springs eternal.
Screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.