General Hospital Week in Review
There was no significant story movement, Patrick is all of a sudden operating with the intellect level of Spam, at this point I'm convinced that there is a backstage pact to make the Text Message Killer storyline the longest and yet least-involving in the history of the soap genre, and the Who Hit Sam? story has me bored before she's even out of the hospital, but weirdly . . . I didn't hate GH last week. Maybe it's because the day-to-day dialogue still seems like it's a bit improved? Or maybe it's the heavy medication and binge drinking. I foreclose no possibility. Anyway, I don't have a whole lot to say, because taking out the storylines I hate and given the aforementioned lack of movement, almost nothing of interest happened. But there were some fun (or "fun" in some cases) lines.
First off, I admit, not all the dialogue was good. This, from when Alexis opened her front door holding a jar of spaghetti sauce, was probably the worst.
Diane: Prego, the working woman's friend!
Alexis: It's heart smart, okay?
Diane: So is what's in here. ::points to wine::
You groaned in disgust just reading that, didn't you? I hope Nancy Lee Grahn and Carolyn Hennesy went out and got drunk on that wine after shooting that scene, trying to drown their sorrows over being turned into shills for shitty pasta sauce. First the V8 Fusion thing, now this.
Someone in the comments said this is an ABC Daytime deal with
Campbell's. If that's the case, might I suggest alternate product
pimping avenues? For example, Patrick is in the hospital cafeteria
and spills tomato juice on himself, requiring him to take off his
shirt. And possibly also his pants. It could be a really big can of
juice! Or, Jax is out surfing (shirtless) and rehydrates with a quick
tomato juice. Or, Lucky is doing a police drill in which he gets shot,
and they use tomato juice as fake blood, and then for the medical part
of the drill a paramedic has to rip off his shirt. Or, Ric is watching
Molly and she spills her tomato juice all over his shirt, which he must
immediately remove in order to clean. Or if they're set on working products into dialogue, Logan could say "It's
impossible for me to walk even a few feet without some huge anvil with
'serial killer red herring' etched into it slamming into my head. You
know what, I should have had a V8!" (Oh, and he is shirtless.)
I have a thousand of these ideas!
Better yet, just put a picture of whatever crappy Campbell's product they want me to buy in the lower left-hand corner of the screen throughout the show. Because I can tell you I am a thousand times more likely to buy any of those than I am to watch half the shit that ABC tries to push there normally. Wife Swap? Are they high?
Michael to Morgan: I'll get Mom and Jax to sell you on the internet!
That is so disturbing. Remember the good ol' days, when Sami tried to sell Belle on the black market? Today's dysfunctional sibling relationships are so corrupted by technology!
Sonny: Do not go anywhere near guns. I don't care if you're trying to protect your mother from the bad guys or what. If I hear or see you going anywhere near a gun, you better run, and keep running. You got that?
Unacknowledged hypocrisy and irony, with a side of violent threats, is the best parenting method. I read that in an article once.
(BTW, can I just say that the generic "gangsta" rap they play whenever Michael comes near the gun makes me giggle uncontrollably? It's such a compliment to the intelligence of the audience that the show is otherwise worried you wouldn't know that kids+guns=bad news. Thank goodness for the helpful soundtrack!)
Claudia and Jason in Jake's was a fun nod to the old days of Carly and Jason. Steve Burton almost seemed to be smirking. Good stuff. Oh, and Claudia? I know she's a mafia princess and is sleeping with Sonny, plus overall the character has been written horribly, and therefore I should totally hate her, but come on:
Claudia: What are you?
Spinelli: Jackal. Internet. Cyberspace.
Claudia: Mmm, well, you need to get out of your room more.
I LOVE HER.
It's amazing how quickly I accepted Sarah Brown as a new character. Almost as amazing as her arms. I seriously need to know what her workout routine is.
When Spinelli and Jason were trying to break that alarm code, and Spinelli kept giving Jason the wrong code? It should not have been as funny as it was.
Jason to Spinelli: You know what, maybe you should have brought Maxie.
Ha! That should be the mantra of every person in Port Charles. Unless maybe said someone is planning to attend a funeral, or lift something heavy.
Kirsten Storms is actually looking much healthier these days (remember the thigh vs. lamp incident?), plus she is possessed with the magical ability to make Spinelli tolerable. They should create a special Emmy just for her.
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.