Dear Kendall: When Did You Get Dumb?
I'm surprised that I have to write to you, of all people in Pine Valley, to remind you how to keep a secret. Mostly because you're fictional, but also because you used to be a pro at sketchiness. I could totally see myself schooling Annie in the art of being shady, because she's bland as the day is long, but you? It's shocking to me. I know you've turned over a new leaf and are pretty much an upstanding citizen and that's great. I'm proud! I'm just wondering if your growth as a human being has made it more difficult for you to tap into your past experience as a bad girl to remember how to act normal whilst doing shady things. Perhaps when Homer Simpson said, "Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?", he wasn't just being hilarious, but actually describing a real medical condition.
So, in the interest of teaching you some sort of common sense, I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that if you don't want your husband to find out that you had ill-advised sex with your ex-boyfriend when you thought that your husband and your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend were dead, you probably should not talk about it ad nauseum whenever you and your ex-boyfriend are in the same vicinity. Ideally, you shouldn't act like a neurotic twit, complete with flapping arms and a shrill voice, whenever someone mentions your ex-boyfriend's name, because that makes it look like you're (a) hiding something (b)mentally ill (c)auditioning for a role on a zany, Sex and the City-esque sitcom in case your portrayer chooses not to renew her contract when it ends.
Also, congratulations on the book! I look forward to reading it. Word of how great the book is got around fast. Did you see how many fans were at the launch party? That's way impressive for a first-time author who wrote the book in between mourning and an ill-advised one night stand with her ex-boyfriend. But if you have tons of fans already, that means you're sort of well-known. And perhaps a bit too well known to throw hysterical fits in front of people who could easily tell Gawker, or whatever the ABC Daytime version of Gawker is, about how you slept with your ex-boyfriend when you thought your husband and your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend were dead. Maybe Zach's not the sort of guy to continually refresh internet gossip sites to see what the latest with Britney is, but you know Greenlee is the type to google her name and then the names of all of her friends to make sure that they don't have as many hits as her and she'd totally find the site with the account of your loud conversation with Aidan about how you really would like to take this secret to the grave. And she'd cut you. She's only yay high (picture me holding my hand three inches from the floor) but she fights dirty. Keeping quiet and just forgetting about the stupid thing you did will save your life. Don't leave your children motherless!
(And not for nothing, K, but what's with telling Aidan that you don't trust yourself around him? He's foxy, I know, but is he really so overwhelmingly hot that you can't be in close quarters with him without being able to restrain yourself from jumping his bones? You're better than that. High school boys are better than that.)
So just remember that elementary school poem: secrets secrets are no fun, unless they aid us in forgetting a terrible plot point that irritated everyone. Or, in plainer terms, stop acting like an effing lunatic.
PS: I would have left this as a comment in your blog, but I'm not quite that crazy...yet
PPS: I really hope that Charm Exclamation Point is better written than your blog is, because I don't know if I could handle 300 pages of sentences like "They tried that drug - and now she's... All of those monitors beeping and going crazy and all of this medical knowledge we're supposed to have in 2008 - and what good is any of it if it can't save the people we love? I don't want to watch my friend die... "
PPS: As ever, your hair is awesome. How can I get hair like that?