I Wish Amnesia Was Contagious
I am jealous of Ryan Lavery for a multitude of reasons. Topping the list is, of course, envy that I don't have a parade of sycophants around town with no real purpose besides broadcasting the extent of my awesomeness to the rest of the world. Also, I think it would be fun to be the highly paid CEO of a multi-billion corporation just because someone (who later turned out to be a serial killer, but whatev) thought I was cool.
But lately, I'm most jealous of his memory loss.
This is not to say that this storyline is anything besides hopelessly cliche and terrible. Because, really, the way I see it is that this is basically the writers being all, "You want a story that makes medical sense? Or something that at least doesn't flout the laws of physics and common sense? Well, write your own soap, then, suckers, because you're in our world now". Ryan got shot in the head, except it wasn't so much shot as it was grazed. And this grazing is not serious enough for him to require more than an overnight hospitalization, but at the same time, it's severe enough that it wiped out the last four years of his life. What? What does that even mean? How creatively bankrupt are these people? What does it say about me that I am obsessing over this and barely bat an eyelash anymore about the aborted fetus? And what's with ripping off Nick Newman's momentary amnesia on The Young and the Restless? Who rips off LML era Y&R? Are we due for a thrilling tale about foiling Nazis in Pine Valley?
But the more I think about Ryan having 4-year amnesia, the more I want it for myself. Specifically, a kind of amnesia that wipes out years of this show. Because not having some of this crap in my memory bank sounds divine. I'd like to go back farther than four years, though. Maybe I could forget everything after Leo died. That would be cool. I'd lose Zach and Kendall's brilliance and the awesomeness of Amanda, but the Careys wouldn't exist, let alone be the reason for my high blood pressure. Tad wouldn't be a killer. Dixie would be presumed dead after a car crash, not after eating poisoned pancakes. There would be no Ava...no Jonathan Lavery...no Zarf! Amnesia would rule!
That's a roundabout way of saying that this show is terrible and that I'd dump it in a heartbeat if it weren't for their cunning decision to bring back Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams.
I talk a big game, all "Oh, so this is how it's going to be? You're going to use keep this whole 'ADAM IS THE MOST EVIL PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF EVER' story going? And you're going to ruin the awesome Richie by having him pine over BABE and emotionally manipulate a five year old? We're done. DONE" and then I see Tad and Jesse come face to face and talk and be awesome I'm all "When is it going to be 1:00 tomorrow? I want to see the next episode nooooow".
I'm pretty much a sucker.
Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams are fantastic and their presence (especially Debbi's) raises the game of everybody around them and it lulls me into a false sense of security. If their scenes are so good, it distracts me from how terrible the rest of the show is until I reflect upon it later and I'm like, "Did Angie really have to watch Greenlee wake up and not her own son? The hell?" and get cranky and curse Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown for their commitment to suckage.
How committed are they? Let's make a list of recent occurrences:
- The aforementioned amnesia that brings Ryan back to the time when he was in love with Kendall. Gag me with a spoon. I remember how Ryan and Kendall's relationship went down--his refusal to believe that Greenlee was out to steal him from Kendall, the emotional abuse, the calling her a "soulless cancer" and blaming her for Bianca's rape. I have no desire to be reminded of that time.
- The aforementioned "Angie watches Greenlee wake up, but isn't there for her own son". It's kind of hard to argue with the perception that the REAL Greenlee's return is the focal point of the show when stuff like that goes down
- Charm Exclamation Point has a huge number of fans at its launch party...that is taking place, like, four weeks after she wrote the book while dealing with a missing husband and ill children. O...kay.*
- Greenlee compared Ryan and Kendall to Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler meets Bonnie and Clyde. What the hell does that even mean?
- [Sentence where I rant about Krystal and Tad's insane hatred of Adam and the truly below the belt way they use his children against him, railing against his evilness while sitting atop a moral high horse in a glass house redacted because I rant about this nonstop and it's making me feel like a crazy]
- Kendall said, of Greens, "Yeah, we'll always be friends -- when we're not trying to kill each other." Or when one of them isn't trying to get custody of the other's child. Or when one of them isn't trying to steal the other's child. We're totally just going to look the other way on that debacle, aren't we?
- The second Greenlee mentioned how she and Ryan were like a superhero and the superhero's sidekick, I got PTSD flashbacks of Dynamite Kiddo and Green Butterfly and found myself rocking quietly in my corner, sobbing.
And yet, I know that I am going to be watching every day to see Angie and Jesse reunite. Because I am a sucker! Damn you, AMC.
*Keep an eye out for an upcoming Charm Exclamation Point feature here at Serial Drama. I'll be recapping it for you, chapter by chapter as soon as my copy arrives in the mail. I am such a good person.