Serial Drama

Happy Anniversary, GH!

Tomorrow General Hospital celebrates its 45th anniversary.  Happy b-day, show!  Remember when you weren't consistently disappointing?  Good times, those.

I'm so bitter about this soap that I can't even read what I think was intended to be a nostalgic, complementary article about the anniversary without going all uber-bitchy and hypercritical.

"You don't get to 45 years just because you're lucky," executive producer Jill Farren Phelps told The Associated Press as the cast and crew celebrated GH's April 1 birthday with punch and cake on the show's hospital set at ABC's Prospect Studios.

"But at this rate we'll be lucky to make it to 50," she added. 

"I think we're walking a fine line," said Phelps. "I'm very proud of all of the stuff 'General Hospital' is doing, especially the CGI. It's very cutting edge. We're trying to give a new look to this medium but without putting off our audience and making them wonder, 'What have you done to my show?'"

You are failing.  Oh, and by the way, what the eff have you done to my show?

"I'm always looking to see how to get more people to watch our soaps," ABC daytime President Brian Frons told the AP. "As part of that, later this year, 'General Hospital' will finally premiere in France. For us, it's not just about viewers on the broadcast network, it's about viewers around the world."

"International viewers, especially ones for whom English is not their first language, will take much longer to figure out the extent to which the show sucks now," Frons further explained.  "France was an especially important target for us, because people there think Jerry Lewis is hilarious and find Gerard Depardieu sexy.  We think sex symbol Sonny Corinthos, moral center Jason Morgan, and bestest mother and woman ever Carly will be big hits there."

Seriously, 45 years is impressive.  And while the most recent of those years has been about 80% awful (and that's being generous), this show had some fantastically great years.  Decades, even.  Let's reminisce!  Post your favorite GH clips or watch others' and remember why you started watching this once-fantastic soap.  And of course, remember to raise a toast on this big anniversary.  If you're like me (and Kelly Monaco, I suspect), it will be something along the lines of

"Cheers!  Or whatever.  I hope you suck less soon."

The End Is Nigh

That's right, dear readers, I fear my ability to mercilessly mock GH may be drawing to a close.  Because, you see, I am writing this post to praise Steve Burton.  I still think that Jason, Hitman/Moral Center of Port Charles, is one of the most storyline-hoarding characters in soap history, and his status as romantic hero on GH is a lot of what is wrong with the show.  However, my affection for his portrayer is growing.

My reasons, as with all good reasons, are threefold.

1)  He has great follicular self-awareness.  From the 3/18 issue of Soap Opera Digest: 

I have a Curious George hairline.  So, it's truly like a Monchichi, where it goes right across and it really doesn't look good short, short, short.

Hee!  Bonus points for combined usage of Curious George

and Monchichi.

Both of which happen to be spot-on accurate:

You probably know how much effort I have put into chronicling the horrendousness of Mr. Burton's hair-don'ts in recent years, so it actually makes me feel giddy, not to mention less guilty, to know that he is fully aware of the wrongness of his coif. 

I Smell a Catfight!

Remember the scene in Juno where the ultrasound technician was bitchy and Allison Janney's character awesomely read her the riot act and an obviously impressed Juno said, "Bren! You's a dick! I love it!"

I kept replaying that scene in my mind when I saw Annie throw some expert bitchery Greenlee's way. It was awesome! I didn't know she had it in her! It's still true that Richie got the lion's share of brilliance in the Novak family, but Annie's not as hopelessly bland as I thought she was:

You know, you didn't kiss Ryan to help me. You kissed Ryan because he remembers being in love with Kendall, but he doesn't remember being in love with you, and you can't stand it.

Look, look, Ryan might have lost his memory, but I haven't. You came to Pine Valley and you wanted my husband.

Annie: You also wanted Kendall's baby, and you did your damnedest to get him.

Greenlee: All I've done recently is try to help you, so back off.

Annie: What, the way you helped Kendall when she trusted you with her son? How did that work out for you? Oh -- wait, that's right.

!!! She actually referenced the babynapping that the rest of Pine Valley is completely ignoring!

Of course Greenlee, Queen of Bitchcraft, gave it right back to her in her inimitable fashion:

It must be hell to be you. Ryan remembers Kendall, he remembers me -- hell, he remembers the way he likes his toast, but you? Nothing. Maybe because you're not special, maybe because there's nothing about you worth remembering.

That's pretty much a master class in being a snotty witch. I mean, seriously, ice cold! But I expect nothing less from Greens. We're used to self absorbed, condescending heinousness coming from her (I say this with love). I think I give the edge to Annie, just because her fabulosity caught me so off guard and because she's not quite as delusional as Ms. Smythe:

You and Aidan -- as if he would sleep with anyone besides me. I mean, no offense -- you're just not really his type

Dude, the two of you look EXACTLY THE SAME. Kendall even pointed it out to Annie back when SHE hated her.

It kind of makes me sad that Annie's all up in arms over Ryan. Surely there's a better man in Pine Valley who is actually worth the effort.

I am sure this is just the first of many in a long line of scenes where women hate each other because they are competing for the love of Ryan A. Lavery, the world's greatest savior/sexpot/simpleton and we'll probably see this same conversation on a daily basis and I'll get irritated about it in about two days. But as it stands right now, it was kind of fantastic and, sadly, one of the best things to happen on AMC in weeks.

Happy Birthday, Y&R!

Anniversaries and birthdays are exciting in and of themselves, and are even more exciting when they are milestones (notable exception: my upcoming 25th birthday, which is already giving me agita). So the fact that The Young and the Restless is celebrating 35 years on the air today is ultra exciting indeed, especially since it was absolutely stellar for, like, ninety percent of those 35 years.

And yet...I keep thinking of the Christmas episode of The Office when Michael was all, "Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame".

Part of that is the fact that this is the photo SOAPNet uses to commemorate the big anniversary. I don't even know if lame's the right word.

I know that the non-ABC soaps are treated pretty shabbily by SOAPNet, but there's really no reason for that photo. It's just rude. Peter Bergman looks appropriately dreamy, but Michelle Stafford, who I think is stunningly gorgeous, is looking like what Christian Siriano would call a hot tranny mess. And Jeanne Cooper looks like she's illustrated. I don't get it.

The other part of it is the fact that the stories going on in this milestone week are kind of crappy: Another new character created because the writers ill-advisedly killed off the portrayer's better character is instantly attracted to Gloria? Lame! Katherine calling Amber for support instead of her daughter or her best friend? Lame! Victor and Sabrina just...existing? Lame!

And then there was the Restless Style launch party, which had all of the elegance and flair of the socials we had in sixth grade and those included leggings and awkwardly dancing in the gym. I just...was speechless through most of it.

If You Don't Hear From Me

. . . it will be because I OD'd on cuteness.

To quote Ross Gellar, he's a baby, not a bomb!  Patrick is hotly incompetent in this department, which I think is a first.

I'm not even a baby person, but hot guy + adorable infant (who also resembles a very small 80-year-old man) = illegal levels of cuteness. 

Too bad about virtually every other aspect of the show being crap.

Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.

General Hospital Week in Review

I've become completely unable to come up with introductions to Week in Reviews.  This show has fried my brain.  Imagine you're reading this and it's a witty and concise synopsis of the week that makes you want to read on.  Or just know that if you keep reading, you will see 1) Sonny getting beat up, 2) a poll in which you can express your wish that Carly was dead, and 3) incontrovertible proof that evil forces are plotting against Kelly Monaco.

Aw, Sonny, why the long face?

Cat got your tongue?

Okay, no...

Maybe you're just a little bummed, remembering how you got your ass handed to you, in public, by a kid who a scant few months ago thought he could fly? *

Or maybe you're still steaming over Jax giving you a verbal asskicking to match Johnny's literal one?

Man alive, it was a great week to be a Jax fan.

My favorite part of that conversation was that Sonny the intimidating mobster is approximately seven feet shorter than Jax.

(And is well prepared to defend his Duh Face of the Year title.)  Sonny's still a weeble, is what I'm saying.

I also loved how Sonny walked around for like a day and a half bleeding from the head, and nobody said boo about it.  Is it possible everyone in town is finally starting to hate him as much as they should?

* In case you're wondering, I don't feel the least bit hypocritical about enjoying that beat-down, despite having endlessly whined about the excessive violence on this show.  That's what's nice about being an anonymous online commentator without a soul.

This Was Not Exactly What I Had In Mind

Because I have been burned in the past so many times by Brian Frons and his minions at ABC Daytime, I'm always a little bit wary of their big proclamations like "It's just what you've been waiting for!" For starters, the news I'm usually waiting for is "HEAD WRITER FIRED" and until I see that headline under the photo of Bob Guza and Barbara Esensten/James Harmon Brown, I'm not going to be impressed.

And also, even on the off chance that I have been waiting for this news, they always wind up screwing it up somehow, especially if the powers-that-be at All My Children are involved. Remember when they fired Megan McTavish and the entire world rejoiced and I perhaps even made a comment about how breakfast cereal mascots would do a better job running the show than McTavish? And then we learned that B&E are horrible, dream pyromaniacs? Yeah, that's right: the PTB ruined the firing of Megan McTavish. There's literally nothing that they can't ruin. In their hands, they would do dastardly things to the time honored partnerships of peanut butter and chocolate, Lennon and McCartney, DiCaprio and Scorcese and Blair Waldorf and headbands.

I mean, I guess it's nice to know that, no matter what, it's going to get screwed up. At least you know where you stand, you know? Like, remember when the show Trading Spaces on TLC became really popular a few years ago? Is it still on? Is the host still Mindy Paige Davis Paige? Anyway, I never understood how people could go on that show. Sure, there's a chance you'd get the cool designer who would turn your tiny bedroom into a huge, blissful suite, but there's another chance that you'd get the guy who paints rooms black and glues pieces of aluminum to the wall. AMC is the guy who glue guns aluminum to walls, but at least we don't get our hopes up by entertaining the thought of getting a pretty bedroom.

This is a roundabout way of saying that ABC and AMC are stupid and that their latest "OMG! JUST WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED" casting is crap in theory, and will likely be crap in execution. Spoiler after the jump!

Battle for the Title of Week's Most Awesome Dialogue. Yes, on GH. I Can't Believe it Either.

I can't even believe that I am writing a post about how there are three ridiculously awesome contenders for the Week's (perhaps "Month's" or "Spring's," in fact) Most Awesome Dialogue, all on General Effing Hospital (that's the unabridged title), but there are.  Oh, there are.  So you must help us decide which will reign supreme.

Full quotes after the cut.  Warning:  They may make you start to feel optimistic about GH.  In the same week as violence-induced miscarriage number 83 and mob war number 243.  Intense confusion and brow-furrowing may ensue.

Can I Get Disability Pay for Outrage Fatigue?

If you are totally unspoiled for GH, stop reading now.  I used to be one of you, but I feel like 1) I should probably read the magazine that we write for (I heart paychecks!), and 2) with GH it really is helpful to know at least a little bit of what's coming up, so that you can take adequate precautions (e.g., hide heavy objects, soundproof living room walls, warn neighbors about possibility of random expletives).

I will admit that I was already suffering from a bit of TV outrage last night.  I watched my cheesy guilty pleasure, Dancing With the Stars.  Innocent fun, that show!  (Side note:  Jason Taylor = made of sexy.)  So what genius decided to ruin the night by making the adorably curvy Marissa Jaret Winokur dance to Tpain's "Low," with special emphasis on "gave that big booty a smack"?  That is the tackiest thing I have ever seen on that show, and I've watched six seasons of outfits made entirely from illusion fabric and sequins! 

ANYWAY.  Back to GH.  Upping the TV outrage since 2002 or so.  So I'm flipping through the front part of Soap Opera Digest that I allow myself to read (I like my spoilers in small quantities, just like I do spicy food, cultural activities, and CNN), and what do I see but a preview of what's to come next week with Carly.  Hey guess what everyone?  Carly's going to miscarry!  Do you know why you're thinking "are you effing kidding me with this?!"  Because Carly has miscarried like 17 times before and, oh yeah, SO HAS EVERY OTHER WOMAN ON THIS SHOW.  And usually as the result of spectacular[ly unnecessary] violence, as is the case this time in which some combination of Diego the Undead Serial Killer's bomb and Claudia's bitchiness will culminate in Carly miscarrying.

Look, I don't even like Carly.  Laura Wright is fabulous, and I'm sure she'll sell the scenes, but Carly is still about 98% odious.  And I don't like Carly with Jax.  I never have.  And I did not want to deal with years of Jax suffering through co-parenthood with Carly.  So this is not some fangirl reaction.  What is it with this show and endangering pregnant women?  It is seriously disturbing.  Like, more disturbing than its obsession with guns.  Even more disturbing than Carly's vision of heaven being in a dive bar, in Claudia's cheap red shoes, playing pool, drinking cheap beer, lusting after Jason.  Yes, that disturbing!

I get that soaps are about drama, and miscarriages can be dramatic, but it is about 20 miscarriages past the point where this show can claim any artistic originality with this, right?  Am I crazy?  Is everyone going to respond with how per capita, Port Charles women actually carry pregnancies to term at a much higher rate than any other soap towns, having figured this out using several soap encyclopedias and multi-tabbed Excel spreadsheets? 

Okay, maybe I am overreacting (well, I NEVER!).  Let's try to compile a list in the comments of all the poor Port Charles women who have had miscarriages or stillbirths in recent years, shall we?  I'll start:  Elizabeth (x2).  If we want to get crazy we can tally the newborn babies in peril, too.  And those of you who watch other shows can weigh in on whether my soap outrage is legit, or whether I am going to have to come up with some other reason to skip town to Tahiti next week.  And also, as always, you can count your blessings and/or gloat that you don't have to watch what the people running GH have done to this once amazing soap.

This Show Actually Hurts My Soul

A while back, Greenlee made some sort of self-centered, stupid comment (by which I mean that Greenlee spoke) about how Zach and Kendall set her life on fire and are dream-ruining arsonists or whatever. And, as I usually do with things Greenlee says, I was like, "That's such a drama queeny thing to say, Little G. Go meditate or something", because the idea that someone can set fire to your life seemed implausible to me at the time.

But then it hit me that Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown are doing JUST THAT with the dreams of the AMC watching public. They are setting our dreams on FIRE. Because the more I think about it, the more convinced I become that they are going out of their way to make this show horrible. This is so far beyond the realm of garden variety incompetence. Because let me tell you, I've seen better written infommercials and you have to really be trying to get shown up by the people who write the words that Billy Mays speaks, because I am reasonably sure that their only exposure to English comes from babelfish.

Erica: I can do this. I'm Erica Kane.

I appreciated the innate Ericaness of this statement, but you know how I know she can survive a few months in prison? BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN TO PRISON BEFORE. Remember when the truth came out that Sonya was not an adorable Russian orphan but, rather, Maria's child? PRISON! I know that the writers and producers have memory problems similar to the Swiss cheese memory of Audrina from My Sweet Audrina and barely remember what happened last week, let alone ten years ago, but SERIOUSLY. Everybody is carrying on like Erica is going to go in front of a firing squad and this isn't even the first time she's gone to jail! A little fact checking is all I ask!