General Hospital Week in Review
I've become completely unable to come up with introductions to Week in Reviews. This show has fried my brain. Imagine you're reading this and it's a witty and concise synopsis of the week that makes you want to read on. Or just know that if you keep reading, you will see 1) Sonny getting beat up, 2) a poll in which you can express your wish that Carly was dead, and 3) incontrovertible proof that evil forces are plotting against Kelly Monaco.
Aw, Sonny, why the long face?
Cat got your tongue?
Maybe you're just a little bummed, remembering how you got your ass handed to you, in public, by a kid who a scant few months ago thought he could fly? *
Or maybe you're still steaming over Jax giving you a verbal asskicking to match Johnny's literal one?
Man alive, it was a great week to be a Jax fan.
My favorite part of that conversation was that Sonny the intimidating mobster is approximately seven feet shorter than Jax.
I also loved how Sonny walked around for like a day and a half bleeding from the head, and nobody said boo about it. Is it possible everyone in town is finally starting to hate him as much as they should?
* In case you're wondering, I don't feel the least bit hypocritical about enjoying that beat-down, despite having endlessly whined about the excessive violence on this show. That's what's nice about being an anonymous online commentator without a soul.
Oh, Ric Lansing. I adore your portrayer (although Rick Hearst, for serious, cut that hair), but you are really testing my patience. You keep doing such horrible things! And I know I always come back. I tell you to walk away, then I let you weasel your way back into my good graces. I think it's on account of you being so good-looking and wearing a suit so well. But these last couple of things you've done, they might have gone too far across the line.
But I have to say, for me there is no worse crime against soapiness than bringing that snooze-fest Marianna to town. She is more useless than Samantha Harris is on Dancing With the Stars.
Carly: Michael's always wanted a little sister.
Uh, Michael does have a little sister. (Unless this is the one case in which we are going to get all genetically accurate and acknowledge that Sonny is not Michael's father?) Are the replacement writers still writing this crap, or are people who should actually know better to blame for this kind of laziness?
Oh fucking hell, Emily's back.
I seriously cannot come up with anything more to say about this asinine story.
And to add insult to injury (um, I mean, the most injuriously romantic story ever told),
a Cassadine in a tracksuit? Helena is hanging out in a parapet or dungeon somewhere going "oh no he di'int!"
I'm kind of over the Zacchara siblings.
Initially, I thought Claudia could be great. She was bitchy, she seemed smart, she told Spinelli he needed to get out more. And she's played by Sarah Brown. What's not to like? But man, is this the quickest the GH writers have made a character irritatingly one-dimensional, or what? I GET IT. She's strong and "powerful" and a little bit crazy and also recovering from a childhood trauma. She's all of those things in every single scene, at a volume of about 11. Good lord.
Then there's her love of guns and her having the hots for Sonny and being all ignorant about Robin's HIV, and really, I'm done.
Though her prejudice against Robin did lead to Patrick being hotly defensive.
So there's that. But otherwise, she bugs me.
Also, I don't think I can put this delicately, so I'll just say it: She appears to have the hots for her brother.
Sarah Brown, I get that Brandon Barash is smokin', but take it down a notch, girl.
While we're on the topic of Johnny, I'm pretty much done with him too. He was promising (by which I mean gorgeous), but now it turns out he's just the next generation of mobster in Port Charles. Did we need another one of those?
And he's involved with Lulu, which these days is the kiss of romantic death. Yes, he's still gorgeous, but he's a mobster without an interesting storyline, and since we already have at least three of those on this show, I have my limits, even for hotness. For example, I think Josh Jackson is among the five sexiest men on the planet, but even I am not going to see that assy movie he released last weekend.
Robin and Patrick's conversation about their impending parenthood has pulled ahead in the vote for last week's best dialogue, and while I still am very torn between that and Jax's truth-telling, Awesome Writer undoubtedly produced several great Scrubs moments last week.
Patrick: I'm glad to be the father of your baby.
Sniffle. Hotly emotional.
Robin: Can I just say you picked a perfect time to be wonderful?
Swoon! I heart cheesy soapy moments.
Of course, now one or the other of them is going to do something horrible, or we won't hear from either of them again until May. But for now, they are the only couple I enjoy watching so I'll hope for the best. And prepare for the worst. Because I am a well-trained GH viewer.
Trevor: John is like a son to me!
Oh god, please don't let this foreshadow a paternity storyline. GH has fulfilled its quota of those until, I don't know, Molly tells Jake he's the father to avoid psychotic serial killer Michael finding out he actually is. (Jake is secretly in love with Molly's sister Christina, and Molly eventually has an affair with her ob-gyn, Dr. Patrick Robert Scorpio Drake. Police commissioner Maxie Jones exposes the whole sordid ordeal in retaliation for Christina exposing Maxie's May-December romance with Cameron Webber.)
As I knew she would, Laura Wright rocked the scenes following Carly's miscarriage.
However, might those scenes have been a wee bit more moving if she hadn't been sexin' Jason up in her coma-fantasy a few minutes earlier?
I say yes.
So, Jason's injury that heartbreakingly threatened his lucrative career offing people, was it carpal tunnel? WTF are those braces he's wearing? I thought his hands were shredded? Never mind, I refuse to try to make sense of this story.
As an aside, thanks to reader Mika for creating this based on the last Week in Review:
And apparently the answer is yes you can, Jason. Who could have seen this coming?!
Maybe the rumors about people on set not liking Josh Duhon are true, because man,
never has he looked less brutally hot. I think it's possible nobody has ever looked less brutally hot. Why did GH pick this instance to be somewhat medically accurate? It's been at least a week since his traumatic brain injury; shouldn't he be out getting into some soapy predicament, preferably while shirtless?
Maybe Logan is actually fully recovered, but prefers to stay in the hospital heavily sedated rather than get out and have to deal with Lulu. I can relate.
Somebody in wardrobe has a serious hate-on for the adorable Kelly Monaco.
First of all, nobody without a veil and bouquet should wear white head-to-toe. Second of all, Kelly Monaco weighs about 95 pounds and on a near-daily basis provides us with inspiration to hit the gym, so how shitty a stylist do you have to be to make her look lumpy?
Maybe the wardrobe department is hanging out with the writers. No good can come from that.
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.