General Hospital Week in Review
I still don't really care about this show, but once you got past the cheesy "special" effects early in the week, without a stupid and implausible serial killer reveal or any more homicides of legacy characters, this week didn't suck quite as much as many. I'm not interested enough to do a full-blown Week in Review (those are surprisingly labor-intensive, and require significant inspiration!), but there were, I suppose, events worth noting.
The "This Stuff Is So Stupid It Makes Me Yearn For the Realism and Depth of One Tree Hill" List:
- Alexis and Jerry should not happen. I know the actors have great chemistry, and Alexis is long overdue for a romance, but NO. The guy is a psychopath. Among other things, he tried to kill her nephew! WTF? That is not foreplay.
- Were the "special effects" just so Liz and Sam could once again be damsels in distress and Jason could once again be the hero? Please. Those two get into some horrible predicament almost weekly, like in the grocery store or at the dry cleaners. (Don't even get me started on that park.) And Jason is a hero. He just is. He looks good shirtless, he kills people for a living, he wears the same outfit every day. What is not to idolize? (Tune in next week, when I share my ABC Daytime-sponsored thoughts on how all strong women are bitches.)
- 1) The black-and-white Spinelli fantasies MUST END. They are ridiculously cheesy and totally out of place on this show, which supposedly prides itself on being the non-campy variety of soap. Ick. 2) Why couldn't Spinelli just email someone to get them rescued out of the sewer? Instead, he futzed around on his laptop for hours trying to find some code to open that gate that itty-bitty Maxie then somehow managed to get trapped in. So bizarre. (I did love her myriad objections to the sewageyness of the sewer, though.) Maxie continues to make Spinelli far, far more tolerable, but I still don't want them as a couple. I think they need to bring someone new in for him. And I think she'd be good with Nikolas. But I am sick and earlier the room was spinning so maybe I'm talking nonsense. (Not that I expect you to notice the difference.)
- Anything related to Marianna sucks. I'm sure the actress is a lovely person, but the character is the polar opposite of interesting. My fast-forward button tries to activate itself when she and Ric are onscreen. And anything that makes me not want to watch Rick Hearst is truly of the devil.
- 1) I love how when Dr. Devlin picks up a hooker I'm supposed to find it disgusting and indicative that he is actually a Very Bad Man, but when Sonny does it it's sexy. 2) Ian is indeed a Very Bad Man, though, right? He's the creepy criminal with the bad tattoo that Jerry/James/Moreau has been dealing with? These writers couldn't help themselves, could they? They had to fully integrate the mob and the hospital. This feels like a leftover Night Shift plot. Which is, to clarify, NOT a compliment.
- Why is Sonny all smiley and flirtatious with Kate while his kid is missing? And really, if Johnny took Michael, wouldn't a savvy mobster let Johnny out and tail him to wherever the kid is? Also, if you're going to have a child-in-danger plot, shouldn't you ensure it's not about a "child" that half the audience is convinced is a psychopathic demon-spawn? This "Michael is missing" story is almost as ill-conceived and un-engaging as the Text Message Killer storyline. Aim high, writers!
The "This Stuff Was Really Good, Which Just Proves That the Rest of the Time This Show Isn't Even Trying" List:
- All of Patrick and Robin's scenes were fantastic. Kimberly McCullough and especially Jason Thompson were amazing. (I sometimes forget while I am drawing hearts and stars all over the photo shrine I have of him in my den that he's actually quite a good actor, too. It sucks when being a total stalker interferes with the ability to reason, you know?) The big confrontation scene in the locker room was pretty much perfect, characters' personality foibles on display and all. Kudos, Awesome Writer! I hope the shackles aren't chafing and that craft services sneaks you some decent food occasionally. You haven't been let out much lately.
- Patrick and Elizabeth's scenes were also great. I like their friendship, and her ability to tell him when he needs to check himself. Also, they're both so very pretty. Perhaps they could just stand at the nurses' station a couple of times a week and read medical charts out loud.
- Jax. That's it, just Jax. Whether he's being a good friend to Kate, or telling off Carly about her ridiculous infatuation with Jason, or being a supportive husband to her in spite of her inability to behave like a likable human being, I love him. Could he have a long-lost kid come to town, or something? I'm really unhappy that his only babymomma will be Carly. Laura Wright is awesome, but I'm pretty sure even she isn't going to be able to make a pregnant and then new mother Carly tolerable.
- Alexis and Nikolas fighting rocked. I love it when they get all Cassadine on each other. This show needs more Cassadines. And Quartermaines. And Spencers. And Scorpios. Sorry, I hate it when I get all off-topic like that. More mobsters! More random newcomers!
- The baby who plays Jake is so cute and expressive that he starts to make me believe that human beings are by nature good, and that world peace, a cure for cancer, and an end to Crocs are within our grasp. Nothing on GH has made me feel that way since Megan Ward showed up with her fabulous bob.
- If there had to be a Text Message Killer storyline (Note: There did NOT, writers, and even if there did, you couldn't make it not suck?), I like the closure of Nikolas killing Diego. This show has me praising a homicide. I'm pretty sure next week I'll be talking about the sexiness of Jason holding a gun, and Sonny roughing up a woman.
- This conversation was awesome:
Carly: You don't need to soften it, okay? I know the facts. Sliced tendons and severed nerves, in both hands. All to save your sorry butt?
Elizabeth: He would have done the same for you, Carly.
Carly: But he didn't do it for me. He did it for you. And Sam. [Note: This is the true source of Carly's outrage. -- Ed.]
Elizabeth: What did you want him to do, Carly, let us die? Okay, you're a little more hateful than usual today and I'm not sure what's causing it but I've got to go.
Carly: This could really work out well for you.
Elizabeth: Excuse me?
Carly: If Jason comes out of surgery without the use of his hands, he can't work for Sonny anymore. That would leave the door wide open for you. But just so we're clear, Jason would be miserable. You could cost Jason everything.
Epiphany (to Elizabeth): I need you on ten.
Carly: We're not done yet.
Epiphany: I said I needed Nurse Webber. You will get out of her way, and let her do her job.
Carly: You don't need to be pushy. [!!!!!! times a billion! Irony overload! - Ed.]
Epiphany: I said I needed Nurse Webber on the tenth floor. You will get out of her way, or heart attack or not, I will turn you upside down and mop this floor with your hair.
Elizabeth: Thank you, Epiphany. I'm on my way.
Maybe it's just all this Campbell's soup I've been eating finally healing my previously dead heart, but I freaking loved Epiphany in this scene. And my Liz love is returning. Which is good, because Rebecca Herbst's hair is starting to look really pretty again, and what if that was tainted by Elizabeth continuing to be a pain in the ass?
Oh, but I am so worried about the potential loss of Jason's ability to kill other human beings for profit that I've started a fan campaign. Please consider writing to express your support:
Save Our Hitman's Trigger Finger
123 Are You Effing Kidding Me With This GH Avenue
I Can't Believe This Show Keeps Getting Shittier City, CA 98765
And since every campaign needs a catchy theme object, I'm working hard on ours. As soon as I figure out how to package a disgusted eyeroll, I'll let you know!