Serial Drama

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In case you missed the March 4th issue of Soap Opera Digest (the reasoning behind missing out on a magazine prominently featuring Jason Thompson and Greg Vaughan on the cover and James Scott, shirtless, inside is foreign to both of us), our columns appear after the jump.  Becca wonders why Days of Our Lives has become so Marlena-centric at the same time that General Hospital is attempting to give some airtime to non-mob people; it's making her whole world topsy turvy, literally and figuratively.  Mallory praises the recent General Hospital writing (yes, you read that right) that gave us the newly heroic Lucky Spencer and criticizes the recent GH writing (ah, that's a familiar feeling) that took Lulu from, pardon the reference, a promising ingénue to Carly Part II.

This Hour Could Be Better Spent Doing Anything, Including Staring at a Wall

All My Children has been bad lately. This is an open secret. It's been painful for me to actually sit and watch it, to the point where I start coming up with things that I absolutely MUST DO at that exact moment so that I can put off watching AMC for a little while. Nails all of a sudden need to be touched up, clothes all of a sudden need to be ironed and I'm overcome with a paralyzing need to know exactly how many old issues of Entertainment Weekly I have kicking around (12, all kept for a reason that made sense to me at the time, like being part of a shrine to the cast of Freaks and Geeks or being used as evidence in my future class action lawsuit against Stephen King for crimes against humanity including Pennywise the Clown and multiple references to himself as "Uncle Steve").

Yesterday, I was priming myself to watch and then all of a sudden was struck by this unbelievable urge to know that the hell the Led Zeppelin song "Kashmir" is actually about, which led me to Wikipedia, that font of user-submitted knowledge. After reading up on "Kashmir", I took a look at the four members of the band and that taught me that Robert Plant isn't even 60 yet, which freaked me the hell out because he looks like he's at least 70, and then that made me wonder who else was born in 1948 and if they also look like a shaggy haired corpse, which led me to Mikhail Baryshnikov (who, for the record, does not look like a shaggy haired corpse), which then led me to Jessica Lange, which taught me that she appeared on Broadway with Christian Slater, and remember when he used to be famous? Those were good times, and so on and so forth, and long story short, did you know that Agatha Christie got the inspiration for Murder on the Orient Express from the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby?

Normally, I'd feel bad about wasting time on something so trivial, but, hello, my other option was sitting and watching All My Children. At least my jaunt to Wikipedia was educational and could help me later in life, should I ever appear on Jeopardy! or get targeted by a serial killer who asks pop culture questions like in Scream. What has AMC taught me lately?

• That Ryan is sexy
• That stripper poles are work appropriate
• That if you write a book in two hours and have it published a week and a half later, you may get a stalker
• That even great actors can't sell crappy dialogue and storylines consistently enough to keep a show together

None of that will aid me on a game show or help me in the hands of a quizzical serial killer, so thanks for nothing, AMC.

Let's start with the...thing that's eating the entire show. The thing that was born from either a writer saying, "You know what's always fun? A good love triangle. Remember how the last good love triangle was in the mid 90s on General Hospital? I think we could bring that back, but make it even better by adding another person and amnesia! Watch your back, Y&R! I smell a new ratings leader!" or from someone taking massive amounts of peyote. Do people still take peyote? I don't know. I'll research that instead of watching today's episode of AMC.

The first time I saw that promo, I thought I hallucinated it. And then I got REALLY scared, because I know that I can be a little bit daffy sometimes, but I didn't think my mind was so far gone that I'd imagine something so wholly ridiculous.

(Side note: why is Melissa Claire Egan's mouth like that? And did you know that she was on the cover of Girl Talk?)

Oh, They're "Special" Alright

I kind of wanted to title this post "It's Still the Writing, Stupid," but I decided that as a really official and important member of the media I should avoid appearing Clintonian on this critical election day.  Therefore you got the sarcastic use of quotation marks.  Campaigns are truly draining. 

So, in case you are smarter than I am and are not watching General Hospital these days, you should know that you are missing out on some "unbelievable" special effects.  Poor Bradford Anderson was forced to refer to them as such while pimping a special behind-the-scenes look this Wednesday at how the magic happens.  I would prefer a special behind-the-scenes peek at how exactly the showrunners and head writer manage to perennially remain in a posture of cranial-rectal inversion, myself.  That would be eye-opening.

Anyway, Diego the Suddenly Undead Serial Killer's crappy rental car crashed and dangled off a bridge.

Aren't you terrified by the really real realism?

Are you on the edge of your seat?

Doesn't this totally make up for the fact that this show hasn't had a great story arc since at least before Britney and Justin broke up?

You totally thought this was shot on location, didn't you?

Seriously, are you wowed by those effects?  If so, I'm so sorry that you haven't been to the movies in the last 20 years.  They've been doing some great things with their magic cameras.

You know who is wowed by these effects, and others like them, though?  The people in charge of General Hospital.  Of fucking course.  To wit, from the February 19th issue of Soap Opera Digest:

[ABC Daytime President Brian Frons] first joined forces with Stargate while overseeing SOAPnet's GH companion, NIGHT SHIFT.  "They were the guys that brought us across the harbor to actually see downtown Port Charles for the first time," he explains.  "[They] digitally crafted the General Hospital tower, which we had never seen before, and of course, they were the ones that made the city of Port Charles appear at dawn from the roof of the hospital."

And in November, Stargate was responsible for that eye-popping footage of Jason navigating his boat through stormy waters as Spoon Island and its eerie residence, Wyndemere, loomed in the background.  "We had a boat and we had Jason," says Frons.  "Everything else -- the rain, the island, Wyndemere -- was done digitally."  The results were impressive.  "When they cut to Spoon Island, it looked like something out of a great, cool, old, scary horror flick!"  raves [TV Guide soap columnist Michael] Logan.  "It was flawless."

First of all, these quotes are actually incredibly entertaining if you read them with the voice that Michael Bay uses while mocking himself in those Verizon FIOS commercials, calling everything "awesome" in an exaggerated valley accent.  Second of all, like most insane things, these statements need to be closely studied. 

Restless Bile

I have been completely awful about writing about The Young and the Restless, but it's just, like...how many different ways can you say "This show is boring and also, Judith Chapman needs to dial it down a notch or twelve"? I suppose if I were more ambitious, I could switch it up by saying it in a different language every day or use illustrations, which could prove to be problematic because I can barely draw a stick figure without it being distressingly crooked, but the point is that Y&R is boring and also, Judith Chapman needs to dial it down a notch or twelve.

I guess it could be worse, since it could be horrible on the level of All My Children, but sometimes I wonder which is the greater sin, being terrible or being boring. I think that being boring might be worse. Sure, watching a terrible show would inspire me to stab myself in the eye with a spork, but at least that's a reaction. Y&R just inspires me to change the channel and watch, like, the local access station instead.

It's just so...blah. And...uninspired. And...meh.

Like...

(1) I know that the original Jack/Sharon/Phyllis/Nick quadrangle had a great reception. And, in theory, I understand why writers would want to go back to a popular story, especially since 84% of the stories that followed that triangle were terrible. But come on, is there anything in the world more contrived than this new Jack/Sharon/Phyllis/Nick One Big Happy? I can't see myself willingly starting a magazine and working in close quarters with my ex-husband and the woman that he cheated on me with. Granted, I hold grudges and probably couldn't be persuaded to work alongside the woman who cut in front of me on line at the bakery the other day, but STILL.

(2) You know what this show hasn't seen enough of? Numerous women throwing themselves at Victor. I get it, people. Victor is the most handsome, amazing, virile, god-like person to ever exist. If I just admit that, will you stop this icky flirtation between him and Victoria's never before mentioned friend with the phony accent?

Sabrina: Don't look back, I say.

Victor: Live in the present.

Sabrina: Indeed.

Victor: That's why you like contemporary art.

Sabrina: You're so insightful. Yes.

Victor: Mm. Might be a very good idea for me to start living in the present.

Make it stop. Please.

GH Couple of Weeks in Review: The I Don't Care Edition

I have been a bad General Hospital blogger.  I know this.  But I cannot bring myself to care about this show right now.  It's so terrible.  Terribly violent, terribly predictable, terribly monotonous, terribly nonsensical, and most of all terribly boring.  The things I could not possibly care less about outnumber the entertaining things by easily about ten to one.  The things I do not care to see anything more about include, but are no means limited to:

• Michael being kidnapped
• Carly being upset that Michael has been kidnapped
• Sonny's weirdly detached reaction to Michael having been kidnapped
• Marianna
• Ric playing dress-up-the-abused-Barbie with Marianna
• Campbell's soup
• Epiphany
• Epiphany's Campell's-sponsored heart disease support group
• Lucky once again being shot/victimized
• Jason once again saving the day
• Trevor
• Diego's amazing HVAC skills
• tiny Kelly Monaco being thrown around some more by a guy two times her size
• Emily being brutally killed, AGAIN

So what does that leave?  Almost nothing.  (You'll still click through for the rest though, won't you?  I need reader encouragement to get me through this challenging time.)

Days of Our Lives Week in Review: The Sniffle Edition

I know I mock a lot of stuff about soaps -- that's kind of what we do here, you know? -- but honestly, there was little to make fun of this week on Days.  The show was full of many of the things I love most about soaps:  tragic death,  awful plastic surgery, ridiculous yet entertaining screwball comedic romance, unspecified fatal illness, hot men, and schmaltzy flashbacks.  Who doesn't love all that?

I've said before that Days gives good holiday, and I was reminded this week that it gives good funeral, too.  The last big one I remember was for Dr. Tom Horton, and that was extra sad because Macdonald Carey had passed away, but still, Days does these big family events very well.  That may be because, unlike say GH, Days is still centered around core families.

Days' dedication to keeping families at the center of the show make me fine with the fact that they killed off one of the patriarchs.  I know it's totally hypocritical of me, because if it were GH I'd be screaming bloody murder (in fairness, GH would totally kill off Edward Quartermaine via bloody murder, so at least there would be a theme), but I really think they handled Shawn Sr.'s death well.  They're getting good soapy mileage out of it, so I approve.  (My approval means so much, I'm sure.)

Truly, the funeral?  The kids' eulogies?  All the Irish toasts at the pub?  Made of awesome.  Mostly.