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« Washed Up Stars A Go Go | Main | Can I Get Disability Pay for Outrage Fatigue? »

March 18, 2008

This Show Actually Hurts My Soul

A while back, Greenlee made some sort of self-centered, stupid comment (by which I mean that Greenlee spoke) about how Zach and Kendall set her life on fire and are dream-ruining arsonists or whatever. And, as I usually do with things Greenlee says, I was like, "That's such a drama queeny thing to say, Little G. Go meditate or something", because the idea that someone can set fire to your life seemed implausible to me at the time.

But then it hit me that Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown are doing JUST THAT with the dreams of the AMC watching public. They are setting our dreams on FIRE. Because the more I think about it, the more convinced I become that they are going out of their way to make this show horrible. This is so far beyond the realm of garden variety incompetence. Because let me tell you, I've seen better written infommercials and you have to really be trying to get shown up by the people who write the words that Billy Mays speaks, because I am reasonably sure that their only exposure to English comes from babelfish.


Erica: I can do this. I'm Erica Kane.

I appreciated the innate Ericaness of this statement, but you know how I know she can survive a few months in prison? BECAUSE SHE'S BEEN TO PRISON BEFORE. Remember when the truth came out that Sonya was not an adorable Russian orphan but, rather, Maria's child? PRISON! I know that the writers and producers have memory problems similar to the Swiss cheese memory of Audrina from My Sweet Audrina and barely remember what happened last week, let alone ten years ago, but SERIOUSLY. Everybody is carrying on like Erica is going to go in front of a firing squad and this isn't even the first time she's gone to jail! A little fact checking is all I ask!


Greenlee: Well, she broke the law. Why is everyone treating her like she's Mother Teresa in four-inch heels? Last time I checked, she wasn't dishing out any alms to the poor.

Jack: Ok, Greenlee, easy, ok?

Greenlee: No, all I'm saying is, do the crime, do the time.

Jack: All I'm saying is, you're my daughter, and I love you, but maybe this is not the department for you to be throwing stones.

I go through periods of time when I either really like Jack or think he is a useless, pompous moron. Luckily, he's been tolerable lately and I was overjoyed that he didn't indulge Greenlee's lunacy and pointed out her lack of self awareness, but still...we went through that horrible story that turned Greenlee into a baby snatcher and it has basically been forgotten, except for when a vague allusion is needed for a set up to a quip? Really?

I also enjoyed Greenlee trying to tell Jack that he ought to date other women while Erica is incarcerated. So if you're allowed to play the field when your significant other is in jail, are you allowed to do the same if, say, your significant other is presumed dead? Just wondering...


Babe: You never thought I was good enough for JR.

I wonder what clued Adam in to the fact that Babe wasn't good enough for his son. Could it have been the fact that she slept with JR's brother IMMEDIATELY upon coming to Pine Valley? Or was it that she was married when she got hitched to JR? Hmm.

The entirety of the Babe/Adam scene pissed me off for a variety of reasons.

First of all, I felt really bad that the amazing David Canary was saddled with Amanda Baker for such a long scene. I am sure she is a total sweetheart in real life, but she's about as charismatic as a piece of cardboard.

Secondly, cheating on JR with his brother was bad and I am glad that Babe realizes it was wrong of her to do so (a few years after the fact but still, sociopaths learn a little slower than the rest of us), but what about all of the other crap Babe put JR through besides the cheating? Like telling him that their son was dead and running away with Jamie and Little A? That's pretty shitty, no?

And lastly, what the hell was with Babe getting all "I am woman, hear me roar" when Adam was being snide about her position at Fusion? I am all for feminism and the empowerment of women in the workplace and I'd be completely okay with Babe schooling Adam on his sexism if she got her job at Fusion through hard work and determination, but she didn't. She got the job because SHE STOLE A BABY and is such a HORRIBLE PERSON that the worst thing Greenlee could think to do to Kendall was put her in close quarters with Babe. So the righteous indignation she was throwing around to Adam was infuriating.


I couldn't focus at all through the Richie/Dream JR scenes because the notion of JR being part of Richie since he donated blood marrow made me think of the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer gave blood to Jerry after Jerry nicked his jugular.


Krystal: I know it's an adjustment having a full house again...why [do] we all stick in your craw so much?

I don't know, Krystal. That's a good question. I can only speak for myself, though. You know what would stick in my personal craw a whole lot?

...the fact that you and your eldest demon spawn have ruined this man's family on numerous occasions

...the fact that you and your husband run around town and denounce him as evil every time the subject of the Chandler family comes up?

...the fact that that you and your family moved into his house WITHOUT TELLING HIM and walk around like you're entitled to do so?

So, uh, pretty much your entire being sticks in my craw. Maybe Adam feels similarly.

What the hell is this woman's problem? Honestly, I don't like calling people stupid bitches, but...she's a stupid bitch. Are we supposed to agree with her and be angry that Adam is all WTFy about the parade of people barging in and out of his house? Because I think it's kind of justified and that I'd be more than a little snippy if my adulterous ex-wife, her baby daughter and her older, obnoxious child all moved in without giving me any warning.

And ALSO: are we supposed to find it anything other than abhorrent that Tad and Krystal aren't going to tell Adam that Colby has been put in danger because of the Tad/Jesse brouhaha? Because from the previews, it seems to me like Tad expressly decides not to fill Adam in. I can only say WTFWTFWTF? Now that may be misleading, but, seriously, when was the last time this show surprised us? The week before never?

I am ultra concerned about Colby, though! I went from loathing her to thinking that if she were nonfictional and also my neighbor, she would be my favorite neighbor. I hope she gets out of this unscathed and that Adam shoots Tad in the leg or something because Tad and Jesse's brilliant "Don't involve the cops!" plan led to the kidnapping of a doctor who really shouldn't be hanging out with a teenanger and an innocent teenager.


Babel Fish...a Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy reference. Nice.

As for the rest...wow. Just wow. Are they try to make Adam the unintentional hero on this show now? Because if they are...well, good job. Anybody remember when it was the other way around? When did this soap become Bizarro Pine Valley? I don't watch and I'm rooting for Adam-and I'd never thought I'd say that.

AMC and GH may just tie the Worst Soap for 2008 category-and March isn't even over yet. We still have 8 more months to go! Let's see how much below the barrel they can scrape.


I totally agree with your comments (and I really enjoyed your writing)...I can't watch the show anymore in full - the stripper pole pushed me over the top...so much so that I've removed it from my DVR schedule. I can't believe I miss the writing from last year. Poor Debbie and Darnell - to come back to this and their writing keeps getting worse. Their first few scenes back together I thought were phenominal I wondered who wrote it and WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM????

I really thought Sabine Singh's Greenlee appreciated having a relationship with her father, but that went out the when she was replaced. Yeah, I know, I should get over the replacement, but I liked the improvements that were occurring in Greenlee's character, and now she is regressing and I know that's the writers fault. I don't even want to think about Aiden/Aidan being considered a leading man...what were the writers thinking with that???

Now David Canary is a wonderful actor - there is just not anything more to say than that.

thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Thank you for reminding me why I'm no longer watching this show. Greenlee, the Careys, the stupid the writers dish out on a regular basis . . . It's all too much. I have no other choice to believe that these people are actively trying to get the show canceled.

Thank you for posting something that I've been thinking for a while now. I grew up watching this show, and it really, really hurts my heart to see how awful it's become.

I'd also like to thank you for pointing out Jack telling Greenlee (much more nicely than I would, I might add) that she's a freaking hypocrite. The only thing worse than Greenlee saying something about doing the crime and paying the time would be if Babe were to say the exact same thing. I think that might actually make my head explode. Literally.

I've taken to fast forwarding every scene with a Carey in it, which unfortunately means I miss Adam. I also missed Krystal having the nerve to ask why it annoys Adam for them to be here. Had I heard that, I probably would have either started uncontrollably yelling at my TV making my neighbors wonder if I'd actually gone completely insane, or I would have had a stroke. It's much better for my mental health FFing scenes with Careys, I think.

Also, I'd like to suggest a different body part at which Adam should shoot Tad. How about his groin? That's the body part that got us into this incredibly stupid story with Krystal having Tad's kid and Tad and Krystal being total hypocrites. (I'd like to take this opportunity to remind people that Tad killed a man and Krystal kept a child away from her mother for nearly a year, so whatever moral high ground they think they have is complete and utter bull*@&$.) Plus, shooting Tad in the groin might make Krystal become completely unhinged, because whatever would she do without being able to have sex with her husband. Oh. Wait. Those marriage vows don't mean a damn thing to her, do they? Never mind, then.

My Sweet Audrina? You're a rock star!!! That book totally screwed me up when I read it. I think I was 12 or 13.

I have to agree with everything else you said but at the same time this show is compulsively watchable. Maybe it's in the same way a car crash is watchable or the way I have to ogle a person that is pulled over by 5 cop cars... Not sure why but I can't stop watching.

For the love of God, would y'all please just give up on AMC already and watch OLTL instead? It's going through a slow period now with possibly another 5-6 weeks of scab material, but even a slow OLTL is better than anything on AMC. Plus, you'll be all settled in for when Ron Carlivati makes his triumphant return and you can see what good soap opera really is.

Greenlee can say these things because her erratic driving while trying to fish a phone out of her purse didnt cause Spike to be deaf. And Ian well he managed to survive being born early. As for Babe, hey who are you or I to comment on her bad when Bianca has said its okay, she didnt kidnap or keep Miranda no.. Binx and Miranda were .. oh .. having a time out .. I dont know why you dont 'get' this .. everyone else does

The post above seems to have lost its 'sarcasm' and '/sarcasm' notations ..

TraveSteve, I know. B and I both hear great things about OLTL, but I've never watched it and I don't know anything about the characters or their histories and all of that, so it would take me a long time to get into the swing of it. I am just not ready for that sort of commitment yet.

I sympathize, Mallory. To that end: should you ever find yourself in New York with an evening to kill, this gay boy will take you out for a drink. You can confess to me all your fears of commitment and which bastard(s) done you wrong, and I will tell you all about the lives and loves of the good people of Llanview.

I must agree with TraveSteve - even a scabby, slightly schizophrenic OLTL is far better than the mess AMC has turned into. So I'll second his offer to fill you in on OLTL - if you ever find yourself in Arizona, that is!

OH. MY. GOD!!!! You hit the nail right on the head. As soon as this whole "Erica might have to go to prison, how ever will we cope?" story line came along, my immediate thought was "She's done this before." She's also been jailed before. Been to jail more times than I can count. Somehow, and I don't know where this thought is coming from, I think she'll be OK.

I've never been a Greenlee fan. She's too spoiled and self-righteous. I get that Mommy and Daddy didn't love her enough, but hell, the woman had two grandparents that did nothing but love her. It's not like she was starved for the love. Her entire presence makes me sick. She needs to get over herself. And don't get me started on her need for attention from not only her boyfriend, but her best friend's husband and her newly amnesiac ex-husband. GAH!!!! She drives me up a wall.

As for your stupid bitch comment: It's all good. I find myself calling the Carey hos stupid bitches on a daily basis. However, I don't totally hate Amanda Baker as the new Babydoll. This one seems less vapid. I just don't think it's a great role for any actress.

Hee! TraveSteve and Kade, thank you for the offers! I may very well take you up on these kind invitations in the future...

Cece, I think you are right about the role of Babe. It's a poorly written role and you need to be INSANELY charismatic to make it work. Alexa Havins had moments of charisma, I guess, but her smugness really made her hateable. Amanda Baker doesn't make me seethe with rage, which technically makes her an improvement.

God, Thank you Mallory! Praise Lavery someone can finally see what all of us see!
Why can't TIIC at AMC see it, tho'? Are they all retarded, or what? I want to shout
hallelujia everytime I read your commentary!
Just some of the stuff wrong with this dumb show! Why do I torture myself?

Wow. A VC Andrews reference. I don't even do that anymore. Mallory, you are my hero.

Mallory: OLTL has a main character who has literally raped, terrorized and killed people, with a spot of pretending-his-baby-was-dead-and-selling-said-baby at one point...and he's STILL more appealing and watchable than most of Pine Valley these days. I will say, though, the fact that he's written as an ANTIhero rather than a hero helps. (Plus, I suspect that, were he a real person, he'd be totally down with the Chris Rock Rule for Raising Daughters: You got to keep them OFF THE POLE.)

Also, OLTL has DORIAN! I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but let's just say that Dorian Cramer is the female fictional equivalent of Adam, except that she gets to win once in a while.

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