This Was Not Exactly What I Had In Mind
Because I have been burned in the past so many times by Brian Frons and his minions at ABC Daytime, I'm always a little bit wary of their big proclamations like "It's just what you've been waiting for!" For starters, the news I'm usually waiting for is "HEAD WRITER FIRED" and until I see that headline under the photo of Bob Guza and Barbara Esensten/James Harmon Brown, I'm not going to be impressed.
And also, even on the off chance that I have been waiting for this news, they always wind up screwing it up somehow, especially if the powers-that-be at All My Children are involved. Remember when they fired Megan McTavish and the entire world rejoiced and I perhaps even made a comment about how breakfast cereal mascots would do a better job running the show than McTavish? And then we learned that B&E are horrible, dream pyromaniacs? Yeah, that's right: the PTB ruined the firing of Megan McTavish. There's literally nothing that they can't ruin. In their hands, they would do dastardly things to the time honored partnerships of peanut butter and chocolate, Lennon and McCartney, DiCaprio and Scorcese and Blair Waldorf and headbands.
I mean, I guess it's nice to know that, no matter what, it's going to get screwed up. At least you know where you stand, you know? Like, remember when the show Trading Spaces on TLC became really popular a few years ago? Is it still on? Is the host still Mindy Paige Davis Paige? Anyway, I never understood how people could go on that show. Sure, there's a chance you'd get the cool designer who would turn your tiny bedroom into a huge, blissful suite, but there's another chance that you'd get the guy who paints rooms black and glues pieces of aluminum to the wall. AMC is the guy who glue guns aluminum to walls, but at least we don't get our hopes up by entertaining the thought of getting a pretty bedroom.
This is a roundabout way of saying that ABC and AMC are stupid and that their latest "OMG! JUST WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED" casting is crap in theory, and will likely be crap in execution. Spoiler after the jump!
Everything about this is stupid:
You wanted it, you got it! Cady McClain returns to All My Children as Dixie Cooney Martin on Friday, May 2. Dixie is back in Pine Valley with a mission: She's reuniting Tad with their long missing daughter, Kate! As the audience knows, Kate was stolen at birth, put up for adoption and now lives with Nurse Julia Keefer under the name of Kathy. Only Adam Chandler--Dixie's evil ex-husband and Tad's lifelong enemy--knows the truth that Kathy is Tad and Dixie's child. When last seen in January 2007, Dixie fell victim to a serial killer. Her ghost watched as Tad received a comforting hug from Kathy. It was then that Dixie realized Kathy was really her daughter. Now with her angelic hand, Dixie will guide Tad into the loving embrace of their little girl. This is drama you can't miss!
I think this needs a bit of analysis.
Dixie is back in Pine Valley with a mission: She's reuniting Tad with their long missing daughter, Kate! As the audience knows, Kate was stolen at birth
...and, post-baby theft, Dixie traipsed around Europe lazily spearheading an effort to find her daughter but not really and never thought it pertinent to inform her husband, the PI, that their daughter was stolen
and now lives with Nurse Julia Keefer under the name of Kathy.
Remember when Julia was a full-fledged character and not a plot point for the foibles of the Martin family? Those were some good times. I loved her and Noah and that brief period of time when her face was disfigured after she was hit by a chandelier during a tornado.
Only Adam Chandler--Dixie's evil ex-husband and Tad's lifelong enemy--knows the truth that Kathy is Tad and Dixie's child.
Enough with the effing "Adam is the most evil effer to ever...eff", okay? Enough. Adam isn't a squeaky clean hero, but unlike some OTHER PEOPLE, he has, in some capacity, been there for JR whenever JR needs him and has never, for example, lurked in corners ignoring his son who is heartbroken and in emotional shambles, Dixie.
And you know why Adam is the only person who knows the truth? Because Tad BURIED ALIVE the other person who knew Kate's whereabouts and tortured him for weeks before an unexpected earthquake caused the man's untimely death before Tad could torture the information out of him. And not for nothing, but Tad then realized how much he fucked up and felt so bad that he went to Krystal for comforting and she obliged, in the best way she knew how, but sleeping with him while she was married to Adam, which led the conception of Jenny, and we all know how I feel about that storyline and ALSO, he allowed the alleged love of his life to stand trial for this murder. But Adam's the only evil one? WTFever.
When last seen in January 2007, Dixie fell victim to a serial killer.
Just...no. I know it would be like the elephant in the corner, but we really didn't need to remember the details of how Dixie died, so to bring it up is just...hurtful. And I love the innocuous phrasing "Dixie fell victim to a serial killer". It does have a better ring to it than "Dixie ate poisoned pancakes and perished and then had to share a funeral with her skank daughter-in-law who wasn't even dead and she got upstaged at her shared funeral by the mourning over skank daughter-in-law and the impassioned singing of a transgendered rockstar".
Her ghost watched as Tad received a comforting hug from Kathy. It was then Dixie realized Kathy was really her daughter.
As much as I'd like to say that my first reaction to the scene where Ghostly Dixie watched Kathy hug Tad was irritation that Dixie wouldn't ever have a relationship with her daughter, that was my second reaction. My first reaction was marveling over the cleavage that Dixie received upon leaving this mortal coil. I can't find a screencap of it, but it was the stuff Victoria's Secret commercials are made of.
Now with her angelic hand, Dixie will guide Tad into the loving embrace of their little girl.
Because what daytime really doesn't have enough of these days is ghosts. And also, that is the single most vomititiously sappy sentence EVER WRITTEN.
This is drama you can't miss!
Can't we, AMC? Can't we?