Elephants Wearing Tutus While Performing Surgery and Doing Yoga with Aliens Makes More Sense Than This
I had a less than fantastic day yesterday. I:
- burned my knuckle on my flat iron (I should not be surprised at how hot that is, right?)
- got a huge sliver in my big toe (Don't ever remodel. Just move. Trust me.)
- had chicken for lunch that disagreed with me, as my grandmother used to say
So did I need for SOAPNet to send me a stupid-ass email? I so did not.
Many of you know that I freaking love a good SOAPNet marathon. I've been willing to forgive a lot because of those delightful throwbacks to the glory days of soaps. A LOT. Night Shift, for god's sake. (Well, I suppose I haven't really forgiven them for that as much as I made a pact with myself not to commit felonious bodily injury on anyone over it.) I held out hope that someone associated with the network would wake up in a cold sweat one night with an epiphany -- "Holy crapoli, we've lost our way! Soap operas are our bread and butter! I'm taking One Tree Hill off the air tomorrow and replacing it with 1980s Santa Barbara! Also, my boss is a moron!"
But it's really clear that, just as with gas prices, world peace, and Lindsay Lohan's sobriety, optimism doesn't pay. Because, as Mallory and many of you had already realized, the people who run SOAPNet have lost their mothereffing minds.
Where to begin?
Other than the fact that they are relegated to marginalia, I have no real objection to the usual, spoiler-filled show summaries. (Beyond that they are spoiler-filled and I cannot avoid them and they therefore make me want to kick some shins. But why should this be different than any other weekday in that regard?) I guess this is more a criticism of the shows, but
I would be shocked if either of those descriptions enticed anyone -- even someone who due to a tragic cable television error receives SOAPNet and no other channels -- into watching those shows.
But whatever, let's get to the truly objectionable part.
1) I will have nightmares about the color of Beyonce's weave in that photo for months. 2) The wedding in question happened 11 days before this email went out. Is this an example of the hot-off-the-online-presses celebrity reporting we can expect from SOAPNet.com, my new destination for all things star-related? Will we soon also see headlines that Tom and Katie had a baby and Britney Spears is showing initial signs of mental illness? 3) WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SOAP FUCKING OPERAS?!
1) That is the kind of runway outfit that makes people hate fashion. 2) "You don't have to be a banker to get a return on this style investment?" Did SOAPNet.com, the new hotbed of celebrity and fashion information, hire its writers straight from a greeting card company? 3) WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SOAP FUCKING OPERAS?!
And then, this is possibly the funniest/most disturbing part: Check out the site.
I'm no marketing expert, but when you send out an email touting your amazing new product, shouldn't it actually, I don't know, exist? I'm also not suggesting that one little technological screw-up should result in mass firings, but honestly, do the bigwigs at ABC Daytime/SOAPNet not have to be good at any aspect of their jobs? Is the standard for maintaining employment as an [allegedly] soaps-related executive at Disney just "has not recently set building on fire" and "rarely beats up coworkers"?