General Hospital Truckload of Weeks in Review
Last week, my dog somehow injured his paw and I came home to him limping and holding up his front leg in the most pathetic and heart-tugging manner. Long ($450) story short, his discharge instructions from the emergency vet said that he came into the clinic "suffering from acute lameness." When I read that I was all "OMG, just like General Hospital!!!" Thank god I didn't say it out loud. At least I think I didn't. I don't know. This show makes me do crazy things, you guys.
I haven't blogged about this mess in a couple of weeks, so rest assured there is lots of acute lameness ahead. The show, not my blogging. Or, well...no promises.
Obviously the biggest twist since I last annoyed you with my GH musings is Ian shooting Michael. To be honest, my combination of cold dead heart + dislike of Michael Corinthos = wouldn't really have objected to the Michael-gets-shot storyline. I wouldn't have loved it, mind you, but I probably wouldn't have been all up in arms and ranty like I sometimes get. But Bob Guza's "explanation" for the storyline is so appalling, so outrageously out of touch with decency, that I am now going to hate it -- and him! -- with a dedication I've heretofore reserved for certain politicians and Louis Vuitton logo bags.
I cannot in any way improve upon Mallory's awesome dissection of Guza's assiness, so I won't try. I will point out that her brilliant post has gone on to become the most commented-on in Serial Drama's history. The post and comments have me a little concerned, though...do I understand that you all have a few somewhat negative feelings about this soap opera? You really should express them! I had no idea.
Let's start off in familiar territory: Back in mobville, Sonny continues his quest to extend his Duh Face of the Year title.
I can't believe that the terrible writing on this show is making me say this, but: I, Becca, devotee of Luke and Laura and general Spencer family fangirl, do solemnly swear that I'm pretty sure that . . .
I hate Lulu Spencer.
What the hell have they done to this character? I'm a soap fan, so I love a nontraditional heroine, a girl with terrible taste in hot but troublesome men, a legacy kid with more baggage than Samsonite. But this...person-demon hybrid thing is awful. Just awful. Probably her worst characteristic was on full display last week: She is so effing self-centered she makes Carly -- Carly!!! -- seem altruistic and compassionate by comparison. I'm no Carly fan, but when Lulu stood outside the room with Carly's bullet-ridden son in it and repeatedly asked the grief-stricken mother to make sure Johnny didn't get hurt, I pretty much wanted to reach through the screen and throttle her. And then she basically ran around gloating about trying to fend off a mob war. Thank god for Kate Howard and her truth-telling ways.
Kate: Tell me, what gave you the impression that a grieving mother sitting vigil with her brain injured son could benefit from your counsel and advice? And did you think that the so-called mob war could be stopped by a spunky little know-it-all? Tell me, how were your noble efforts received today, Lulu? Did you set everybody's priorities straight? Did you accomplish anything at all? You know, you consider yourself so independent, and original, but it's almost amusing that you don't see yourself as the cliche that you really are: A typical, spoiled, 20-something who thinks that the entire world begins and ends with her.
Kate darling, I'm willing to overlook the unfortunate Sonny-schtupping and ask you to once again be my BFF.
My only question about that beautiful rant -- the beauty deriving not only from Megan Ward's awesome delivery but obviously from the spot-on accuracy of the words themselves -- is were we supposed to be cheering for Kate, for someone finally acknowledging how acutely lame Lulu is? Because I thought she was the young heroine, or something? We've been bemoaning what the writers have done to Luke and Laura's daughter for almost a year now, but does someone on the writing team actually agree? Or were we supposed to feel sorry for Lulu?
Luke: Let's discuss the concept of dating. Dating is going out to dinner and a movie. Going dancing, or a concert. Having sex or not. That's dating. When you spend your morning negotiating a truce between two rival factions of organized crime, that's not dating. That's insanity. You've put yourself in the middle of a mob war. That's not dating. That's stupid. When you refuse to see danger right in front of your face, that's stupidity. And I didn't raise my kids to be stupid.
Word up, Daddy Spencer!
Speaking of Luke, I am even willing to put up with Alice
if it means Luke is back in the Quartermaine mansion causing Tracy and Edward to "WTF?!" on a regular basis. Because really, who WTFs better than a Quartermaine?
Nobody, that's who.
On a less fun Luke-related note . . .
Could they be any more obvious about trying to convince us of how sexy Claudia is? She might as well walk around with lightbulb nipples like on those horrible truck mudflaps, with an "open for business!" neon sign above her crotch. Except that would be too subtle for this show.
I was seriously uncomfortable during her scenes trying to sex up Luke. Or maybe she was making him a business proposal. I don't know. I may have been obsessively playing an online puzzle. Even an Herve Leger dress will not distract me from the things that are truly important in life. Like getting past Level 24.
I really can't get over how badly they've bungled Sarah Brown's return. I don't know why I'm surprised, since this disaster is brought to you by the same folks who have made me hate the daughter of effing Luke and Laura, but apparently, they still new depths of ineptitude to plumb.
Back to the lamest Spencer, what the hell is going on with Lulu and this job as Kate's assistant? Carly talking her into taking the job just to fuck with Maxie was vom-worthy.
Lulu: I have zero interest in fashion and I don't intend to stop eating anytime soon. It's a complete waste of time and I don't want anything to do with it.
1) Ouch on the not eating reference (though Kirsten Storms is looking healthier lately), 2) well then of course you should fight for the job, you vindictive, spoiled little shit. IF she were fun or funny I could take this bitchiness, but then if she were fun or funny she would be Maxie and I probably wouldn't hate her.
I would be upset about this blatant The Devil Wears Prada ripoff, except I'll give GH a break because it's not like it routinely rips off movies. Like, The Departed or The Godfather or Dumb and Dumber. Oh. Well, whatever. I liked The Devil Wears Prada and it involved pretty clothes. This whole rip-off might turn out not to be the suckiest thing ever. Maybe. Probably not.
What I definitely do not like is this over-the-top-bitchy version of Kate. This writing team is generally unable to resist turning a character into a caricature (more on that later!), but haven't they gone the "professional woman = bitch on wheels" routine one too many times? Can't she be demanding without being unreasonable? Firm without being mean? If this is the way they're going with her, not even BFF status will save her from my hate list.
While she's still on the like list though, let's talk about this:
First and most importantly, those shoes and bag have a standing invitation to hop on into my closet.
Second, seriously, Kate and Jax need to get together. I even liked their contrived good cop/bad cop routine on the conference call, how they're falling into being actual business partners.
With Carly getting more distant while Jax gets ballsier, I think my dream pairing could finally happen. Woohoo, divorce! Come on, hostile separation, you can do it! I believe in you! Don't let the haters get you down.
Jason's tragic and debilitating case of carpal tunnel continues.
We really should start some kind of foundation to address the societal scourge of murder-career-threatening injuries.
I may be alone in this, but I am not a Nadine fan.
Yes, Awesome Writer routinely gives her some great truth-telling lines, but overall I find her mostly charmless and grating. Also -- and these are in no particular order -- I find her hair is often acutely lame.
Are they really going down a Nik-Nadine romance path? Snore. Emily needs to be really dead and then Nik needs to move on to someone interesting. I feel like he hasn't had a really interesting relationship in ages. (I grew to enjoy Nikolas and Emily together, but they weren't really setting the world on fire. And Courtney . . . well, remember that there are things we're not allowed to talk about here so that my forehead vein doesn't do that bulging thingie.)
Ric and Marianna "broke up," but since this is a soap I know that won't last and we'll be subjected to more of this horrible relationship. I can't decide what I like least about this storyline, the introduction of the character of Marianna, or what it has done to Rick Hearst's hair.
It feels weird to type that I was surprised that I loved, loved, loved Robin and Maxie's scenes together a couple of weeks ago -- because I adore both characters -- but admit it, aren't you surprised when these writers pull off anything well? Let alone a realistic, fun, snarky chat between 20-somethings? Seriously.
"Um, you can't put your baby in a closet." Hee! I like how these two play off each other. More cousin scenes please! (If this were Days, I'd be concerned that meant something totally different.)
And Robin referring to her pregnancy as "the muffin" makes me giggle. I know it was an obvious writers' ploy to do just that, but whatever, they have to be successful on occasion.
Oh, but I almost barfed when Robin started talking about how she regretted all the things she'd said about Carly over the years. That is crazy talk! It's CARLY! The only anyone should regret saying about her is how she's an excellent mother with great instincts. Or "nice to meet you." Or whatever it is Jason said to Carly at Jake's that first night.
Reminder: This is not a caricature!
This is a character who you're supposed to root for having a romantic storyline!
Good lord. And don't even get me started on the return of the old-timey PI skits.
The yoga gag did, however, give us yet another priceless Jason reaction to Sonny, this time made all the more hilarious (and hotter, of course) by Patrick joining him.
He's hotly WTFing!
Patrick had another string of hotly-modifer-restoring moments over the last few weeks. He:
- hotly confronted Robin about her "I am woman, hear me roar" routine
- hotly brought Robin ribs and ice cream
- was hotly confused by Robin's hormonal ping-ponging
- was hotly intoxicated
Thinking drunk guys are hot . . . sometimes I wonder if I stopped maturing during my senior year in college. Sigh. Is this why I still wear overalls and have The Rachel?
Despite the fact that he kills people for a living, regular readers know I have a soft spot for Jason and Elizabeth. I like them together. I think the actors have great chemistry, and the pairing had a nice slow build. Also, Becky Herbst's hair may return to greatness, and I want to have been a consistent fan when that happens. But all that being said, I don't really consider myself a fan of the couple, per se. Those who are must have been mightily pissed about that acutely lame marriage proposal and immediate backtracking? In marriage proposals, I will borrow some second-grade verbiage and just break it down: No take backs!
I do kind of like where they're going with this story, though. I have to say, putting aside Bob Guza's horrendous explanation for Michael's shooting (reminder: "That little shit deserved it!"), the story itself, and the potential fallout for so many players, is interesting. Jason and Sonny have had tangible consequences for their actions before, but maybe Awesome Writer can really make something happen this time? I know, I don't know why I'm getting my hopes up. Actually, maybe I do. Maybe it's because of moments like this?
Carly: I took this kid wherever I wanted to go. I did what was good for me, and then I justified it by telling myself it was good for him.
Jason: You couldn't know how this was going to turn out.
Carly: And if I would have been honest with myself, I would have admitted that Sonny wasn't a good father and he never would have been.
Jason: You made a mistake.
Carly: You would have never made that mistake in a million years. Sonny does what's good for Sonny. Whatever makes Sonny happy. Whether it be the girlfriend at the time, the power, the everyday violence. It's always there. And I knew it, Jason, I knew it. But I fell in love with Sonny and I ignored it and I pushed it away and made up stories that Sonny was such a great man. I'm such a great liar. I even convinced myself. And look where it got me. My son's in a coma.
Carly taking responsibility for something, a nod to history, Sonny getting bashed without any defenders around to immediately jump in, and people acknowledging the awful consequences of mob violence. Is it my birthday? Is Ned coming back with Lois and Brenda, too?!
(Laura Wright and Steve Burton have been really great in those scenes. Especially Laura Wright. I hope they turn the character of Carly around for her, because she's certainly earned it.)
I know it's been ages ago, now, but was some random mention of a 45th anniversary by an extra in the courthouse really the only mention of that milestone? Was that supposed to be cute? And that POS montage?! Really? How ridiculous. The walk down memory lane in our forums was about 50 times better than that, and we're just a bunch of amateurs with an affinity for YouTube. For real, who the HELL is running this acutely lame show?
Screencaps courtesy of Clarissa.