Serial Drama

General Hospital Truckload of Weeks in Review

Last week, my dog somehow injured his paw and I came home to him limping and holding up his front leg in the most pathetic and heart-tugging manner.  Long ($450) story short, his discharge instructions from the emergency vet said that he came into the clinic "suffering from acute lameness."  When I read that I was all "OMG, just like General Hospital!!!"  Thank god I didn't say it out loud.  At least I think I didn't.  I don't know.  This show makes me do crazy things, you guys. 

I haven't blogged about this mess in a couple of weeks, so rest assured there is lots of acute lameness ahead.  The show, not my blogging.  Or, well...no promises.

Obviously the biggest twist since I last annoyed you with my GH musings is Ian shooting Michael.  To be honest, my combination of cold dead heart + dislike of Michael Corinthos = wouldn't really have objected to the Michael-gets-shot storyline.  I wouldn't have loved it, mind you, but I probably wouldn't have been all up in arms and ranty like I sometimes get.  But Bob Guza's "explanation" for the storyline is so appalling, so outrageously out of touch with decency, that I am now going to hate it -- and him! -- with a dedication I've heretofore reserved for certain politicians and Louis Vuitton logo bags. 

I cannot in any way improve upon Mallory's awesome dissection of Guza's assiness, so I won't try.  I will point out that her brilliant post has gone on to become the most commented-on in Serial Drama's history.  The post and comments have me a little concerned, though...do I understand that you all have a few somewhat negative feelings about this soap opera?  You really should express them!  I had no idea.

Let's start off in familiar territory:  Back in mobville, Sonny continues his quest to extend his Duh Face of the Year title.

I feel like we need to better publicize his vast repetoire of duh.  It's becoming legendary!  I smell a future tribute post.

Jack and Jennifer Would Be Appalled

The Fug Girls rightly fugged Ashley Benson, who used to play Abby on Days.  I am 1) really concerned about the 1/3 of readers who think that dress is okay, and 2) completely speechless at what a dead ringer she is for Taylor Momsen (Jenny from Gossip Girl) and how I never realized it until now.  (BTW, what's more disturbing about Taylor Momsen, that she is only 14 or that she was the little girl in the Grinch movie?  It's a close call.)

Also, on the topic of horrible soap fashions, the Daytime Emmys and our Second Annual Live-Blogging Extravaganza are less than a couple of months away.  Woooo!  Well, I'm looking forward to it.  What if there's another sarong?  Bliss.

Days of Our Lives Dozens of Weeks in Review

I realize I haven't done a non-bizarro Days post since about 2003, but I fell behind in episodes and unlike in high school, I can't fake it here if I'm behind on the required materials.  (Except with that one AP teacher who inexplicably made the daily homework assignments credit/no credit based only on whether you turned in a thought or question about the book, allowing you to get credit for stuff like "The heights, are they actually wuthering?  I'm finding this mystery fascinating!") 

Anyway, the good news is that I've returned with an epiphany!  And that is, a tremendous amount can happen in one day on Days.  If that day is a Saturday on which you watch 12 consecutive episodes.  ("Sitting" includes folding laundry, time on my elliptical machine, and assorted chores, lest you think I am a gigantic couch potato.)  But really, it's amazing how much forward story movement happens in, like, two and half weeks.  Well, it's not amazing really, just noteworthy.  If your notes are otherwise from the James E. Reilly era of a single day lasting for six months.

I'm talking in circles and not really getting anywhere here.  I should move on.  Hey, just like this show!

Let's hit the major stories first:

Bo is still sick.
Ava is still crazy.
Hope is still kidnapped.

Phew.  So much to say, so little space.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our latest column, we pulled no punches when it came to All My Children and General Hospital. After the jump, Becca feels alone as she wonders what's so special about GH's special effects and why the powers-that-be have chosen sets as the one thing on the show they want to be realistic, while Mallory feels like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, trapped in a life of endlessly repeating AMC and GH storylines.

Is He Dumb? Evil? Both?

Let me begin with a few things that I know I have made abundantly clear over the months that I've been writing this blog (and before that, in feverish emails to Becca about the state of GH that included lots of Nancy Kerriganesque "Whyyyyyyy?!"s):

(A) I do not like the character of Michael Corinthos. I feel like he's the symbol of how far off the rails General Hospital has gone in the past twelve years. Carly's pregnancy with Michael was, at the time, entertaining and soapy, but everything from that point forward devolved into a mess of mob worshiping, legacy character trashing lunacy and the epitome of that is the red-headed child whose entire existence is about proving how the mafia is a better place to raise a child than the mansion of a rich, dysfunctional family. Also, he's annoying and, much in the manner of Noah on Y&R, they write him like he's five years old sometimes.

(B) Dylan Cash is most likely a very nice boy. He is very good at corralling the child who plays Morgan. He is not very good at the whole "acting" thing, which is why I was always confused at the fact he is on contract and gets a good deal of screen time and stories centered around him. He also, and I know this is wrong, reminds me of a perfect combination of Isaac and Malachi from Children of the Corn. I get uncomfortable watching movies where kids are evil psychopaths and I have to tell you, it really seemed like Michael was on the edge and could just snap and take people out with a machete. Or, you know, a gun.

(C) The show's longstanding idea that Sonny and Carly are the greatest mother and father to ever parent a child and are so great that their virtues should be heralded by and large by the entire town, whether by song and dance routines or shadow puppets or hushed, reverent soliloquies is, to put it mildly, disgusting, since they are, respectively, a career criminal and a mob moll who knowingly put a child in the middle of a life that includes getting shot at on a regular basis. I have long wanted something to open Sonny and Carly's eyes and make them say, "Wow, I royally screwed this boy's life up".

So I am totally okay with them temporarily writing Michael off.

However.

If I were a soap writer and trying to think of a way to do something regarding the above complaints, the last thing I would do is write a story where a child is shot in the head. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm in my right mind, but my first instinct is never, "You know what we don't see enough of on TV? Kids getting shot. Daytime needs some more of that". Maybe this is why I have a blog and am not in charge of running General Hospital...

But luckily for us, Guza explained it all to Entertainment Weekly. My attempt to understand these words after the jump!

The Young and the Gloria

The more interviews I read with Judith Chapman, the more I like her. She seems seriously funny, down to earth and normal. I would like to go out for drinks with her and hear zany stories about the wacky situations she finds herself in. That would be fun.

It almost makes me feel guilty for how much I hate the character of Gloria. Almost. And as a wise singer once said, almost doesn't count. I find her to be profoundly annoying, and there's something about the strident, never losing way that she's written that inspires Judith Chapman to bust out with every acting tic she has. I'm sure she's an interesting character to play, but it's like...use the bug eyes or use the shrieking, don't use the bug eyes AND the shrieking.

So it's not necessarily good for my blood pressure that Gloria has become the star of the show. If she's not on screen, she's being talked about endlessly. There is nobody that needs to be on screen as often as Gloria is. Not Peter Bergman, not Melody Thomas Scott, not even, like, Leonardo DiCaprio if he ever for some reason joined the cast of Y&R. Like, Hostess SnoBalls are the best thing to ever be invented and their delicious combination of cake, marshmallow, coconut and, let's face, lard, never fails to put a smile on my face. But does that mean I want to spend eight hours a day eating Hostess SnoBalls? No, it does not.

(And I know, I know, that when Jack and Nikki are in frontburner storylines, I never complain because I like them and I know that makes me a hypocrite, but...I'll let my hypocrite flag fly, okay?)

I did a little bit of research on this to make sure I'm not being a delusional hater:

On Monday March 31st, there were 31 scenes in the show total. In 16 of those scenes, Gloria was either on screen, or the topic of conversation. On Tuesday April 1st, there were 23 scenes total, and 14 of those were Gloria-centric. Wednesday the 2nd had 24 total scenes and 16 of them were about Gloria. Thursday the 3rd gave us 29 scenes, and 15 were about Gloria. Friday the 4th had 27 total scenes, and 10 of them were Gloria centered. Today paled in comparison, with only 5 Gloriaish scenes out of 26.

This comes out to 47.5% of the past week's worth of shows being about Gloria. In my hate addled mind, I assumed it would be a higher percentage, but that's still pretty obnoxious, no? Am I alone in my hate?

Respeito!

Back before Tyra Banks had completely turned into a lunatic who could cause harm to herself and others, when the CW was still UPN and the WB and Jay Manuel was just super tan as compared to radioactive orange, America's Next Top Model ruled. And not just ruled for a competitive reality show broadcast on the redheaded stepchild of networks, but it ruled in general, and I wasn't ashamed to tell people I watched it. Uh, now is a different story, but back in the day of Cycles 2 and 3, the show was awesome. Remember? With Camille's signature walk that was going to make her famous? And Eva's "First of all, I didn't even know you were a bitch" and Kelle's denial over her snout? Good times.

A large part of Cycle 3's brilliantness is due to the epic bitchiness of Yaya, who went to Brown and thought she was better than every person to ever exist. She was self righteous and bratty, and spit out umeboshi and wore a shirt asserting the importance of Respeito after Ann mutilated Cassie's brownies and had no sense of humor ("Some people think it's funny to kill people. That doesn't make it funny") and I kind of loved her. She was endlessly entertaining and now Pine Valley gets to enjoy her!

Yaya Dacosta from America's Next Top Model is coming to All My Children! The model-actress hyphenate has been cast as Cassandra Foster, the daughter of Dr. Angie Hubbard (Debbi Morgan). She first airs on April 25. Many will remember Yaya as the runner-up of Season 3 of America's Next Top Model. Despite not taking the prize, she's enjoyed a successful modeling career, including campaigns for Sephora, Garnier Fructis and Olay. Acting gigs followed, such as a starring role in the film Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas.

Yaya's character, Cassandra, was adopted by Angie and her ex-husband, Jacob. Cassandra made her debut on ABC's The City. In that soap's final episode, Angie and Jacob (played by Darnell Williams, who currently plays Jesse on AMC) found an abandoned Cassandra and brought her home with them.

Cassandra's all grown up now, and she arrives in Pine Valley to meet her mother's first (and current) husband, Jesse. Don't expect the family reunion to be all roses, though: Cassandra will be pulled into the sinister plan Rob (David Rasche) has for Jesse.

I am just going to put all my cards on the table and admit to being excited about this. I blame my all encompassing love of Jesse and Angie for my excitement and I know that, since this is the dream ruining AMC, it will wind up horrible, but for now, I will "Eeeee!!"

Our Column in the 4/8 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

If you're so inclined, check out our column on pages 44 and 45 of the issue of Soap Opera Digest that's in your mailbox or on newsstands now.  In it, Becca wonders whether she is the only soap fan/critic who thinks GH's special effects are garbage, and why anyone thinks it's important that soap sets be realistic.  Mallory, meanwhile, provides compelling evidence that All My Children and General Hospital are just reusing storylines from a few years ago -- and not even ones that were good TV the first time around.

Also in the issue are lots of updates about Days, and more celebration of GH's 45th anniversary than the damned show did itself, plus a pretty interesting article about the financial realities for soaps.

So...Much...Hatred...Can't...Speak...Coherently

A few years ago, I was embroiled in a one-sided feud with Horatio Sanz. Like all Saturday Night Live viewers, I was offended by the fact that he continued to have a job despite breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever. The feud consisted mainly of me saying to others, "Can you believe this shmuck still has a job after breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever?" It was a non-violent battle that I eventually won after eight long years. Luckily, my commitment to complaining is never hampered by fatigue, illness or a short attention span.

It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to protest Brian Frons just...existing, except that I am running out of ways to describe my disgust with the fact that he continues to be employed. I don't think a combination of words in the English language could properly convey my angst, except, like, "He's...just...ugh...!!!...worst...???...ugh...hate", but that's not an actual sentence.

I really thought that someone, at some point, would realize that, since all of the ABC Daytime shows have bled viewers since he took over, he's not even competent at his job, let alone good at it. No dice. I thought that the SNM Fiasco would make some take notice and say, "Um, isn't this the channel for soap operas?" But, again, nothing. And now, more dumbassedness.

In addition to bolstering daytime with such ad deals, the company is broadening its plan for Soapnet, moving it from being a home for soap opera reruns to one for original content, as well as more acquired primetime soaps and movie dramas. The network has bought a packet of small to midsize movies to add to its Sunday night movie franchise: Romy and Michelle: In the Beginning; I Do, They Don't; Face on the Milk Carton; Relative Chaos; and I Want to Marry Ryan Banks.

Soapnet is also moving forward with Relative Madness, six hour-long specials this summer on the most over-the-top TV and celebrity families, with commentary from talent including comedian Joy Behar, dancer Chris Judd, and mother/daughter socialites Lisa and Britney Gastineau.

There is so much wrong embedded in those 124 words.

(1)Brian Frons PAID MONEY for the chance to broadcast:

• The terrible prequel to a guilty pleasure movie
• A wacky movie starring Josie "Jane" Bissett and Rob "Kyle" Estes
• The cheesy TV movie adaptation of a book that freaked me out when I was younger, starring Kellie Martin, who I cannot stand
• A movie starring, among others, Charisma Carpenter, Nick Brendon and Terry Bradshaw, about siblings named Dil, Gil and Lil fighting for something that I am sure is wacky and hilarious. Maybe it's just me, but no rhyming sibling names will ever top Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck and I have to tell you, I'm 99% sure that broadcasting DuckTales would be more profitable than this movie
• Some crappy movie about starring Brandon Walsh, Anya and Mark "No, not the Academy award nominated, hot one. The other one. With no H in his name. Yeah. I hosted Temptation Island and am doing time with Moment of Truth. Yeah" Walberg. Award-winning, for sure

Seriously, why not just buy the rights to "The Multi Cultural Megashow", the epic musical my elementary school did when I was in fifth grade? Sure, it had lyrics like "Here is a story, a story it is, and the drums are talking, that is how it is" and a song called "A Yup A Dup", but it's clearly higher quality than any of the aforementioned movies.

(2) You know what has nothing to do with soap operas? Television programming about celebrity families. Why are they ripping off the E! ripoffs of VH1 celebrity shows?

(3) Life has reached a new low when you're describing Joy Behar, J. Lo's second ex-husband and the Gastineau Girls as "talent"

(4) Isn't this channel supposed to be about soap operas? Isn't that what the SOAP in SOAPNet is?

Let's sit back and let Frons explain why this isn't a massive mistake:

“We wanted to recognize the fact that we live in a soap nation—primetime soaps, daytime soaps, Britney Spears soaps,” says Frons. Soapnet currently programs 40 hours of original programming a week, and Frons says he would like to double that number over the next two years.

“America has been getting their soap fix in a lot of different ways other than or in addition to the daily soaps, and so we're reflecting that on the channel, all with a soapy filter—otherwise it's just another women's network.”

Oh...okay, I think I get it now. As a nation, we watch a few primetime soaps that get middling ratings, we have been tuning out from daytime soaps in droves in the past few years and the shows that Frons himself oversees have been hemorraghing viewers and we are morbidly fascinated by the breakdown of a mentally ill popstar. Ergo, ipso facto, we want to watch crappy made-for-tv movies and d-list celebrities and celebrity hangers on talking about other celebrities.

SOAPNet is also going to broadcast a Canadian primetime soap about hockey player's wives or something. Frons explains:

"When we talk to the viewers about what kind of women they really like on shows, we get two answers: One is the very strong, powerful woman who is either a mother or businesswoman who has made her mark in the world, and the other is the one who has this great, hot guy and lives an amazing life," he said

I am pretty sure my brain just collapsed on itself. The fact that this man has a high powered, influential job has sent me spiralling into a depression. I am going to go eat some Ben & Jerry's and cry myself to sleep now.

I Know I Owe You Guys a Days Post

But the thing is, I was posting so much about Days that I was worried you were getting bored!  So I pulled back a bit to make sure I wouldn't flood the blogging market.

The problem is definitely not that I have been finding the show so boring that I'm more than a week behind on episodes (and that I need to fashion some kind of toothpick device to prop my eyelids open while watching).  I have, in fact, been finding the show scintillating.  I love how there are so many stories going on at once, not something like Bo's illness taking up every show for three weeks.  I also like how all the stories are moving so quickly.