A few years ago, I was embroiled in a one-sided feud with Horatio Sanz. Like all Saturday Night Live viewers, I was offended by the fact that he continued to have a job despite breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever. The feud consisted mainly of me saying to others, "Can you believe this shmuck still has a job after breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever?" It was a non-violent battle that I eventually won after eight long years. Luckily, my commitment to complaining is never hampered by fatigue, illness or a short attention span.
It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to protest Brian Frons just...existing, except that I am running out of ways to describe my disgust with the fact that he continues to be employed. I don't think a combination of words in the English language could properly convey my angst, except, like, "He's...just...ugh...!!!...worst...???...ugh...hate", but that's not an actual sentence.
I really thought that someone, at some point, would realize that, since all of the ABC Daytime shows have bled viewers since he took over, he's not even competent at his job, let alone good at it. No dice. I thought that the SNM Fiasco would make some take notice and say, "Um, isn't this the channel for soap operas?" But, again, nothing. And now, more dumbassedness.
In addition to bolstering daytime with such ad deals, the company is broadening its plan for Soapnet, moving it from being a home for soap opera reruns to one for original content, as well as more acquired primetime soaps and movie dramas. The network has bought a packet of small to midsize movies to add to its Sunday night movie franchise: Romy and Michelle: In the Beginning; I Do, They Don't; Face on the Milk Carton; Relative Chaos; and I Want to Marry Ryan Banks.
Soapnet is also moving forward with Relative Madness, six hour-long specials this summer on the most over-the-top TV and celebrity families, with commentary from talent including comedian Joy Behar, dancer Chris Judd, and mother/daughter socialites Lisa and Britney Gastineau.
There is so much wrong embedded in those 124 words.
(1)Brian Frons PAID MONEY for the chance to broadcast:
- The terrible prequel to a guilty pleasure movie
- A wacky movie starring Josie "Jane" Bissett and Rob "Kyle" Estes
- The cheesy TV movie adaptation of a book that freaked me out when I was younger, starring Kellie Martin, who I cannot stand
- A movie starring, among others, Charisma Carpenter, Nick Brendon and Terry Bradshaw, about siblings named Dil, Gil and Lil fighting for something that I am sure is wacky and hilarious. Maybe it's just me, but no rhyming sibling names will ever top Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck and I have to tell you, I'm 99% sure that broadcasting DuckTales would be more profitable than this movie
- Some crappy movie about starring Brandon Walsh, Anya and Mark "No, not the Academy award nominated, hot one. The other one. With no H in his name. Yeah. I hosted Temptation Island and am doing time with Moment of Truth. Yeah" Walberg. Award-winning, for sure
Seriously, why not just buy the rights to "The Multi Cultural Megashow", the epic musical my elementary school did when I was in fifth grade? Sure, it had lyrics like "Here is a story, a story it is, and the drums are talking, that is how it is" and a song called "A Yup A Dup", but it's clearly higher quality than any of the aforementioned movies.
(2) You know what has nothing to do with soap operas? Television programming about celebrity families. Why are they ripping off the E! ripoffs of VH1 celebrity shows?
(3) Life has reached a new low when you're describing Joy Behar, J. Lo's second ex-husband and the Gastineau Girls as "talent"
(4) Isn't this channel supposed to be about soap operas? Isn't that what the SOAP in SOAPNet is?
Let's sit back and let Frons explain why this isn't a massive mistake:
“We wanted to recognize the fact that we live in a soap nation—primetime soaps, daytime soaps, Britney Spears soaps,” says Frons. Soapnet currently programs 40 hours of original programming a week, and Frons says he would like to double that number over the next two years.
“America has been getting their soap fix in a lot of different ways other than or in addition to the daily soaps, and so we're reflecting that on the channel, all with a soapy filter—otherwise it's just another women's network.”
Oh...okay, I think I get it now. As a nation, we watch a few primetime soaps that get middling ratings, we have been tuning out from daytime soaps in droves in the past few years and the shows that Frons himself oversees have been hemorraghing viewers and we are morbidly fascinated by the breakdown of a mentally ill popstar. Ergo, ipso facto, we want to watch crappy made-for-tv movies and d-list celebrities and celebrity hangers on talking about other celebrities.
SOAPNet is also going to broadcast a Canadian primetime soap about hockey player's wives or something. Frons explains:
"When we talk to the viewers about what kind of women they really like on shows, we get two answers: One is the very strong, powerful woman who is either a mother or businesswoman who has made her mark in the world, and the other is the one who has this great, hot guy and lives an amazing life," he said
I am pretty sure my brain just collapsed on itself. The fact that this man has a high powered, influential job has sent me spiralling into a depression. I am going to go eat some Ben & Jerry's and cry myself to sleep now.