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« General Hospital Truckload of Weeks in Review | Main | Elephants Wearing Tutus While Performing Surgery and Doing Yoga with Aliens Makes More Sense Than This »

April 15, 2008

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

The other day, I emailed Becca and asked how wrong it would be for a hypothetical person to have a hypothetical crush on David Cook (she said that, post-haircut, it would be a 3 on the 1-10 scale of wrongness and, hello, this hypothetical crush would of course happen post-haircut because even hypothetical me is firmly committed to good hair).

And then I felt INCREDIBLY GUILTY for being ashamed of adoring David Cook because, yeah, the hair's kind of borderline and he was kind of lame on Idol Gives Back with the "give back" written on his palm but SERIOUSLY, you guys, I am open with the fact that I watch All My Children and here I am, feeling embarrassed to have a crush on David Cook. That's so cruel of me.

Because AMC is pretty wretched. Sure, there are some good moments that I fully intend to post about in depth: Kendall and Zach being deliciously soapy and heartbreaking; Michael E. Knight struggling valiantly to act opposite Aiden Turner, which I imagine is like talking to an inanimate object; Debbi Morgan looking twenty years younger than she actually is. But in between those few good moments is crap:

Ryan: So, what was the most romantic thing that I ever said to you?

Annie: We were standing on the terrace -- the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars.

Ryan: Wow. Sounds like love to me.

Annie: It did to me, too. It made me relax and believe.

Ryan: Believe?

Annie: That you might be ready for a different kind of woman, not a spitfire like Kendall and Greenlee. I'm kind of the opposite of that in a way.

"..."

(1) The last time it was interesting to watch women fight over Ryan and/or grapple with not feeling good enough for the awesomeness of Ryan, Clinton was president, Geri hadn't yet left The Spice Girls and Gretchen Mol was the next big thing.

(2) Who, in the history of the world, has ever started a conversation with the words "what was the most romantic thing I ever said to you"? That's like saying, "I know there is a long list of times when I was awesome, but if you had to pick the time that I was most awesome, what would it be?"

(3) The fact that somebody wrote down the sentiment "the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars" and forced poor Melissa Claire Egan to speak it seems needlessly cruel. That's disgustingly cheesy, even for Ryan. Precious Moments cheesy. Clay Aiken soundtrack to an Ashley Judd romcom cheesy. Hearing a line like that made Annie relax? Laugh out loud and wonder if Ryan is using power ballads for inspiration, sure, but "relax and believe"? How does this woman share any sort of genetic material with Richie? He may be a psychopath, but at least he's not a doofus.

(4) At least Annie is self aware and knows she's not anything like Kendall and Greenlee. Although in my opinion, the fact that she isn't a spitfire isn't the problem. The fact that she is a charisma vacuum is.

(5) Cameron Mathison and Melissa Claire Egan cannot make this dialogue work, but it's not their fault. Peter Bergman and Nancy Lee Grahn couldn't make this dialogue work, although I'd pay cash money to see the two of them playing a couple on a show worthy of their talents. So, um, a show in my imagination, I guess.

I mean, seriously, if you can't be bothered to write good plots or engage in any sort of character development, can't you at least make sure that your day-to-day dialogue isn't shit?

Comments

Just wanted to state for the record..I would so watch that show in your imagination.

Can you imagine Nancy Lee Grahn and Peter Bergman together on screen? That idea is so great I'm actually a little aroused.

I think the writers at AMC are drinking the perfume Disney is selling a la Fusion. You'd need to be really drunk to write such shit for such a dope like Ryan.

I'm with Danny on this one. Nancy Lee Grahn and Peter Bergman together is the best idea I've heard all week. (Well, it's a tie between that and me and a friend deciding to track down all of R.L. Stine's Fear Street books.)

Nancy Lee Grahn on her own show that consists of her just putzing around would be magic.

I just happened to be watching AMC while reading this (I'm so ashamed to admit I'm watching this dreck), and this scene came on right after I read this. I'm telling you MCE looks like pissed off to be doing this dialogue, just like "The most romantic thing you ever said to me? OK, here comes this horrible feces they wrote and honestly expect me to say like I really would have found this dreamy..." She did not look like a woman recalling the most romantic thing the "love of her life" had ever said to her, that's for sure. She looked as happy to say it as we felt to hear it.

You're not kidding about the chemistry vacuum surrounding Melissa Claire Egan. It's like every time she appears on my screen this white noise fills my head ... kind of an annoying buzzing like a fly. Truly distracting! ;o)

I was delirious when she and Ryan broke up -- not because Ryan could be with his one true love (whomever that may be) but simply becasue I thought her screen time would diminish. Sadly? Not so much. Oh well.

Here's an idea. Much like Jesse (and the majority of people to ever have lived in Salem), Gillian is not dead. Goodness knows the actress ain't done shit since leaving AMC. She can come back to town, flirt with Ryan for a couple of weeks, and they can leave... forever.

I loved Gillian and Ryan, but at this point even she couldn't save the man who shares Gloria Abbot's favorite facial tic. We could be free of his bug eyes, and Annie could... fall down Natalie's well and never get found?

JL - Ryan's one true love is Ryan.

You aren't kidding about some of the dialog.

It's not just Ryan. I don't care about him. It hurts when it's spoken by an actor I like. Poor Jacob Young. They're going to make him suffer forever for even entertaining the thought of leaving, aren't they. Did you catch JR's little gems to Babe today?

"We're dirty..." and "Babe, you're like a bottle rocket. You soar and then you explode. Me, I'm a jerk..."

Romantic, only not. Can we all pray on the book of something, anything that it will get better?

I'm hoping for change and praying that it's coming in the form of better writers soon.

Annie talks to fast, too! Like Porky Pig or something. And no inflection in her voice whatsoever. Staccato. It would help if she'd slow it down & add some inflection & go back to being blonde. All I got.

Damnit! I thought for sure this was about the 2 most appalling lines I've ever heard uttered on soaps that did not come out of the mouths of John and Marlena on Days-when Robin called herself fat on the 4/15 epi., and Patrick said she was "poetry in motion"-seriously, he's gotten laid all these hundreds of millions of times w/lines like THAT? Ummmmmmm-he ain't THAT hot, now. Or, perhaps, the EVEN WORSE dialogue in their last scene of that epi., wherein Patrick told her to "get her boobs over here"-EEEEEEWWWWWWWW. Just. No. GAH! Guza can't even win for writing the stupidest, suckiest dialogue on ABC-I thought for sure he had that in the bag. Ah, well.....and is it sad that AMC sounds more appealing than GH these days? I think so.

I haven't watch AMC in weeks. I figure that, while I'm far from a great person in a lot of ways, I haven't done anything bad enough in my life to deserve being subjected to Ryan every day. Anyhoo, I did want to say, Mallory, *patting seat next to me* please join me on the David Cook Crush Couch. We have cookies! And we'll ignore the fact I could be his...uhm...really hot older sister. Yeah, that's it.

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