The Day's Dumbest Dialogue
The other day, I emailed Becca and asked how wrong it would be for a hypothetical person to have a hypothetical crush on David Cook (she said that, post-haircut, it would be a 3 on the 1-10 scale of wrongness and, hello, this hypothetical crush would of course happen post-haircut because even hypothetical me is firmly committed to good hair).
And then I felt INCREDIBLY GUILTY for being ashamed of adoring David Cook because, yeah, the hair's kind of borderline and he was kind of lame on Idol Gives Back with the "give back" written on his palm but SERIOUSLY, you guys, I am open with the fact that I watch All My Children and here I am, feeling embarrassed to have a crush on David Cook. That's so cruel of me.
Because AMC is pretty wretched. Sure, there are some good moments that I fully intend to post about in depth: Kendall and Zach being deliciously soapy and heartbreaking; Michael E. Knight struggling valiantly to act opposite Aiden Turner, which I imagine is like talking to an inanimate object; Debbi Morgan looking twenty years younger than she actually is. But in between those few good moments is crap:
Ryan: So, what was the most romantic thing that I ever said to you?
Annie: We were standing on the terrace -- the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars.
Ryan: Wow. Sounds like love to me.
Annie: It did to me, too. It made me relax and believe.
Annie: That you might be ready for a different kind of woman, not a spitfire like Kendall and Greenlee. I'm kind of the opposite of that in a way.
(1) The last time it was interesting to watch women fight over Ryan and/or grapple with not feeling good enough for the awesomeness of Ryan, Clinton was president, Geri hadn't yet left The Spice Girls and Gretchen Mol was the next big thing.
(2) Who, in the history of the world, has ever started a conversation with the words "what was the most romantic thing I ever said to you"? That's like saying, "I know there is a long list of times when I was awesome, but if you had to pick the time that I was most awesome, what would it be?"
(3) The fact that somebody wrote down the sentiment "the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars" and forced poor Melissa Claire Egan to speak it seems needlessly cruel. That's disgustingly cheesy, even for Ryan. Precious Moments cheesy. Clay Aiken soundtrack to an Ashley Judd romcom cheesy. Hearing a line like that made Annie relax? Laugh out loud and wonder if Ryan is using power ballads for inspiration, sure, but "relax and believe"? How does this woman share any sort of genetic material with Richie? He may be a psychopath, but at least he's not a doofus.
(4) At least Annie is self aware and knows she's not anything like Kendall and Greenlee. Although in my opinion, the fact that she isn't a spitfire isn't the problem. The fact that she is a charisma vacuum is.
(5) Cameron Mathison and Melissa Claire Egan cannot make this dialogue work, but it's not their fault. Peter Bergman and Nancy Lee Grahn couldn't make this dialogue work, although I'd pay cash money to see the two of them playing a couple on a show worthy of their talents. So, um, a show in my imagination, I guess.
I mean, seriously, if you can't be bothered to write good plots or engage in any sort of character development, can't you at least make sure that your day-to-day dialogue isn't shit?