The Week's Most "Ooooh, I Get It Now" Dialogue
So, most of you know that I have a healthy affection for Jason Thompson. Let's pretend it's healthy, okay? He's gorgeous and seems down-to-earth, and has fantastically natural and engaging chemistry with Kimberly McCullough, and Rick Springfield, and Finola Hughes, and Becky Herbst, and . . . well, with pretty much everyone but Nazanin Boniadi. (Seriously, Patrick with Leyla was like when Pacey got together with that waitress on Dawson's Creek and suddenly the chemistry cloak was lifted. I questioned the meaning of life, and even -- gasp! -- the hotness of Josh Jackson for a while after that.)
Anyway, because of Jason Thompson, I find Patrick to be a great character; a nice departure from the typical daytime hero but just unrealistically adorable enough to fit in on a soap canvas. Or should I say, as of this week I know that's all because of Jason Thompson. I don't know why I would have even considered giving any credit to the writers, but apparently at least subconsciously I was, but FauxPatrick has shown me the error of my ways.
I'm not even sure why there is a temporary recast. There were seemingly weeks on end last year that went by without Patrick onscreen, but now Patrick can't head off to a medical conference for a couple of days so Jason Thompson can take a vacation (if you can even call it that, since he's undoubtedly helping orphans in third-world countries obtain safe drinking water or learn sustainable farming methods)? I don't get it. But this Ethan Whoeverperson is good looking, so I can deal. However. Ethan Whoeverperson is no Jason Thompson. And this fact has revealed that Patrick . . . well, Patrick is kind of a dick.
I know there are people all over the country -- or at least, all
over the internet -- who claim that Patrick is an ass and he doesn't
deserve Robin and blahdittyblahdittyblah. But my reaction to those
misguided souls has always been something along the lines of: "Um, yes, he
can be a little ass-y, but, hello? HOT. Charming. Yum." I sort of got it during that horrible episode of Night Shift -- hang on, I know I need to be more specific -- when Patrick implied Robin should get a boob job and felt up a patient. But I didn't really get it. I've been able to pretend that Night Shift Patrick didn't happen, and justify some of his frat boy moments on the OG GH as being due to his fear of commitment. But hearing Ethan Whoeverperson spout
Patrick's lines, without that patented Thompson charm? Oh
sisterfriends, I GET IT.
The dealbreaker for me:
FauxPatrick to Coleman: Don't be messin' with my babymama!
Please don't read any humor or irony into that line, because there wasn't any. "Don't be messin' with my babymama!"?! I feel like that line is only appropriate if you're guest-starring on a very special teen-pregnancy-slash-domestic-violence episode of Saved by the Bell, and of course even then I would mock it mercilessly. Nobody talks like this. Certainly not a hot doctor. And that charming line capped off Patrick's lamentably long tribute to his girlfriend's mother's hotness, which I'm convinced Jason Thompson would have somehow made charming but as it was it seemed really creepy and a little gross.
Jason Thompson made me overlook a lot. A LOT. It took me months of him being a total tool to revoke the hotly modifier that Mallory had so brilliantly coined. But I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for going on vacation and making me see what countless blog comments and forum posts had allowed me to turn a blind eye to: Patrick's doucheitude. For shame, Jason Thompson. I hope helping those orphans, reversing global warming, saving seals, curing cancer, or whatever it was you were doing was worth it.
Oh, while I have you all here, faithful readers? You should know that this show is killing me softly. I couldn't come up with anything to include in a Week in Review last week. The "good" news is, it's sweeps, so Guza and his band of terrormakers will undoubtedly kill off a legacy kid or blow up the Quartermaine mansion, so I should find some motivation again soon.