Serial Drama

Who Spiked the Water Supply With Bitchiness?

The Young and the Restless has been so relentlessly boring lately that I've actually contemplated self-injury, just to liven things up a little bit. I have never seriously thought about stabbing myself, not when I spent six weeks (SIX WEEKS!) with Frida's "I Know There's Something Going On" stuck in my head on endless repeat, or when I was stuck in line at Banana Republic behind a woman on the phone with a friend who repeatedly called John McCain "John McVan" which...how is that mispronunciation even possible, unless you are a blind, deaf Amish hermit? But Y&R has been so terribly dull that it nearly drove me to harm myself.

I just...to put it politely, I don't understand the choices the powers-that-be have been making lately. I know that the show has had a strong business focus for years, but it's never been this...dry, and it's usually been balanced by soapiness.  But the past few weeks have been nonstop talks of boardrooms and mergers and lawsuits and if I wanted to watch a show about the inner workings of a corporation, I'd watch a documentary on CNBC, which would probably be less dull anyway.

Today's episode, though, was actually sort of entertaining because it seems like everybody in Genoa City came down with a massive attack of nastiness. It was kind of exciting because, as you may know, I enjoy nothing more than snotty comments and sneers.

1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare This a Dumbass Blog War

You know how there are soapy stories that, while imperfect in execution, sound decent in theory?  (Like for example, the big Brady/DiMera arc on Days that kind of petered out last summer?)  So that when it doesn't turn out well, you just kind of write it off as a risk that didn't pay off?  As opposed to those that were so bad from conception onward that you'd consider submitting the storyline as evidence in a trial entitled Worst Ideas In the History of the Universe versus Innocent Soap Viewers?  Yeah, so . . . guess which side of the fence this "Patrick and Robin, respected doctors and expectant parents, get into a pissing contest via video blog posts instead of actually having a relationship and demonstrating any emotional growth whatsoever" story falls on?

All I can say is that you all are very lucky that yesterday 1) news broke that George Clooney is once again single, and 2) during So You Think You Can Dance they showed a preview for Joshua Jackson's new fall show, confirming that I can legitimately allow my Pacey crush to continue unabated into my mid-30s.  Because without the calming, life-affirming effect of those two events, this post would basically just be expletives and punctuation.  (E.g., "Who the hell runs this sucktastic excuse for a soap effing opera and how hellishly bad to they have to fuck it up in order to get their burned-out asses fired?!?!?!?!?!")  But like I said, none of that!  George, Josh, and lots of alcohol have me prepared to tackle this storyline with minimal cursing and only appropriate usage of exclamation points.

So, I'm sure I don't need to catch any of our readers up on the broad strokes, but just in case:  Dr. Patrick Drake is a neurosurgeon; he fixes broken brains for a living.  It's way impressive.  His hobbies include fearing commitment, bantering, befriending sleazy guys, being hot, resenting his father, flirting, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Robin Scorpio. Dr. Robin Scorpio is, well, she's a doctor who used to specialize in some kind of brain research, but now she's a combination of ER physician and neurosurgeon.  Much like her alleged soulmate, she's way impressive too.  Her hobbies include being adorable, missing her invisible father, tolerating her mother's wacky exploits, hanging out with her girlfriends, getting ill-advised haircuts, planning to store her baby in a closet, being brave, having chemistry with Jason that reminds me of a time when I used to love this show, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Patrick Drake.

Oh, and I probably should have mentioned that these two characters are involved in the first HIV-positive pregnancy storyline in the history of daytime and are played by actors that have insanely good chemistry and have handled everything they've tackled awesomely.

So if you're a writer on General Hospital, what do you do with these two great characters at this juncture of such a significant story?  Well, after making them have the same argument (about commitment, in case you've been comatose) since 2006, you have them engage in a blog war.  There was no error in that sentence -- A GODDAMNED BLOG WAR.  Okay, that was a bit of profanity.  George and Josh do not approve.  Let's let this glorious story speak for itself:

I Love These Two More Than Chocolate

I have been in a serious state of soap related glee since last Wednesday, because Jesse and Angie's wedding was one of the most awesome hours of soap to air on television in the last decade, let alone on All My Children. This is part of the reason that I haven't blogged much since then; I loved this episode so much that I didn't want the crappiness of the rest of the daytime world to sully it (the rest of the reason is laziness). I loved it so much that this episode has made its way onto my list of Top 5 Things I Love Beyond All Reason:

1. Making lists

2. Diet Coke

3. All of James Franco's videos at funnyordie.com, but most especially the dramatic reenactment of Justin Bobby and Audrina's date on The Hills.

4. The Golden Girls

5. Jesse and Angie's wedding, edging out DiorShow Blackout mascara. Yeah, exactly. That's how much I loved this wedding. I mean business.

I really have low standards when it comes to AMC, as well I should, since I can count the number of non Kendall and Zach related things I've enjoyed in this show since 1999 on one hand, so I went into this with low expectations. Like, I knew it would be good, because it's Jesse and Angie, and nobody, not even the soon to depart Esensten and Brown, could mess them up, but I didn't think it would be better than good. But it was! It was actually a completely GLORIOUS hour of television. It had all of the components of an awesome soap episode: glamour! Humor! Musical guest! Sentimental vows! Veteran characters and references to history! A ghost!

I now present to you, a bit belated, The 15 Most Wonderful Things About Angie and Jesse's Wonderful Wedding...

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our most recent Soap Opera Digest column, we turned our ever-critical eyes to All My Children, Days of Our Lives and The Young and the Restless. After the jump, Mallory asks why long-lost twins and ghosts have become so trendy and practically begs the powers-that-be at AMC to bring Dixie back, while Becca learns the hard lesson that, when it comes to Days, first impressions aren't always right.

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: Stupidity Is the Only Winner

Do you sometimes wonder whether General Hospital is some kind of social experiment, in which we as viewers are being tested as to how much horribly crappy un-soapiness we can be subjected without going postal and storming the studio?  It seems like a risky strategy, but it makes far more sense than the alternative possibility, which is that there are people putting this show on the air who actually think it's good.  I've exhausted so many adjectives describing GH in recent years, but my thesaurus is now empty.  I'm just exhausted by the stupidity.

I want to go rescue all the actors from this awful writing.  We could have a giant happy hour with a drinking contest about who was subjected to the stupidest storyline:  "I got shot in the uterus!"  "I had to act like Sonny was still sexy!"  "I had a blog war with my neurosurgeon boyfriend!"  "I called sexual assault adultery!"  "I had 27 different life stories and I still never asked who my father is!"  "I was a wisecracking ghost in tracksuit!"  "I had to pretend being married to Carly was a good thing!"  "I had to act like Australian and British are the same!"  "I was simultaneously a hitman AND the hero of the show!"  "I miscarried a pillow!"  "I was a tumor!"  "I had to seem like I wasn't attracted to Lucky!"

Who would win?!  Oh, dear readers, let's get real:  This is General Hospital.  There are no winners here. 

The best thing to happen in weeks was a rerun yesterday because of Memorial Day, in that no new offensive or stupid material could be foisted on the viewing public.  Happy holiday weekend, America.

My god, the saga of Michael and The Really, Really, Reeeaaaallly Long Goodbye just about did me in.  There were some good performances, but I swear there were about eight consecutive episodes of people sitting by Michael's bedside, grieving him and cursing the mob.  You'd think the latter point would perk me up, but 1) it is impossible to be perked up in the midst of a story about a 12-year-old in a permanent vegetative state after getting shot in the head, and 2) I know damned well there will be no long-term anti-mob consequences from all this, because I'm not new.

Anyway, Carly and Jason said goodbye to Michael.

Laura Wright and Steve Burton were really good in those scenes.

Bobbie said goodbye to Michael.

Jackie Zeman was good (if a bit immobile) in that scene.

Sonny said goodbye to Michael.

Maurice Benard was . . . there. 

And after Carly and Sonny transported their adolescent son to a long-term care facility where he will spend the rest of his life (or the few months until he is miraculously cured and SORAS'd), they did what any two reasonable adults in horrible pain with loving significant others at home waiting for them would do.

I have to put this after the jump, you guys, because I wouldn't want some innocent 'net-surfing person to happen upon these photos without intending to land there.  It's just not fair.

Days of Our Lives Month in Review

It's actually five weeks in review.  Yikes.  I know I have been falling down on the Days-blogging job.  I had been so uninspired by this show of late.  My revulsion at the Daniel/Chelsea relationship -- and their hair (since half resolved) -- perked me up enough to briefly blog, but other than that it hardly seemed worth the effort.  Then 1) I realized I had a month's worth of weeks in review notes stored up so that would almost be enough substance for a single post (seriously, it was draaaaagging), and 2) this last couple of weeks  Days suddenly became somewhat awesome again!  I'm even busting out the awesome alert scale!  Seriously!  Okay, I should be clear:  only parts of the show are awesome.  But those parts are awesome enough to warrant the awesome scale, and that is a huge improvement.

Things I find irresistible, no matter how bad they are:

• makeover shows
• Real World/Road Rules challenges
• a slow-burn soap romance involving a bad boy
• Hugh Grant's haircuts
  
• chocolate mousse deserts
• EJ Wells

So of course, I am ridiculously excited about everything associated with the EJ/Sami/Lucas/Nicole potential quad and all of the soapy deliciousness involving EJ and Sami in particular.  I have actually looked forward to watching Days episodes for the last week and half because of them.  I cannot tell you the last time that happened.  I think I had really big bangs. Whatever.  For the recent EJ and Sami developments, I'm busting out the big gun:

But in addition to that high honor, this level of soapiness has earned more detail.  Read on for soapy goodness!

This Could Go Either Way...

I've been burned a number of times in the past by announcements regarding new soap head writers. Remember my childlike excitement when Megan McTavish got the axe? "Oh, how wonderful!" I said joyously. "Now the show will get good again! Hurray and hurrah!" And then it turned out that McTavish was replaced by dream pyromaniacs who ruined everything they touched? That was quite a letdown.

So I've learned to be a little wary when I see headlines like today's "Head Writing Changes at AMC". The optimistic part of me immediately got all verklempt and was like, "Thank you for bringing my show back! Ex oh ex oh!" and then the rest of me was like, "It's totally James E. Reilly, isn't it?"

It's not, but Charles Pratt is...not so many steps above him. Remember when he wrote with Guza on GH? And was the weak link in that hellish partnership? And we were all sort of confused about how that is even possible? 

...yeah. So there's that. I mean, it's ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that I am worrying for nothing and that maybe he's learned a bit about nuance and character balance and realism and will be good. But, come on, Brian Frons was part of the hiring process here, so how likely is it that it won't suck? And seriously, shouldn't we be seeing the news one of these days that Julie Hannan Carruthers is out as AMC executive producer and Brian Frons is out at ABC Daytime and run out of Hollywood tarred and feathered? And also, how has Bob Guza managed to avoid getting a pink slip amidst all of these writing regime changes? So many questions!

Also, Hogan Sheffer is joining Maria Arena Bell as co-headwriter on Y&R. This could be really good or a total trainwreck.

Hooray for the Haircut! Now, About That Uber-Creepy "Romance" . . .

Rachel Melvin, finally you have a haircut that does you justice!

So adorable.  And SUCH an improvement.

Shawn Christian, you are still hot,

but please 1) get a haircut, and 2) urge the powers-that-be to give you a romantic storyline opposite an actress who was born before Reagan got elected (um, the first time, just to be clear).  (Or, in Daniel-speak?  "Dude, seriously, step away from the barely-legal.")

P.S.  Days Month in Review coming to a blog near you shortly; this show is getting good, y'all!  I can hardly believe I just typed that, but there you go.

Screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.

She's Got Her Sights Set On Him . . . Unfortunately

I might be able to discuss the Carly/Sonny hookup for real at some point in the near future (I'm already focused on the silver lining:  Jax may finally be free!), but right now, I'm in that place where only a song will suffice.  To the tune of Miley Cyrus' See You Again:

I've got my sights set on him
And I'm ready to aim
I have a brain that will
Never be trained
I knew he was something special
When he shot my head
Now I can't wait to divorce him again

I've got a way of doing
Exactly what's wrong
No matter what low I sink to
They say I'm brave and strong
And praise my great wardrobe
And my whisperin' all day long
So I can't wait to divorce him again

Every time we hook up
It turns out really bad
We get together then
He throws glassware when he's mad
Should I have learned by now
Some ask what's wrong with me
But if you watch you know
"Oh she's just being Carly!"

This one time we hooked up
I cheated on hot Jax
Damn those black sheets of satin
Whoa, whoa, I
I can't wait to divorce him again

I get this crazy feeling
Deep inside
When he calls me whore or bad mother
Day and night
I'm not a mind reader
But I'm reading the signs
That he can't wait to shoot me again

Every time we hook up
It turns out really bad
We get together then
He throws glassware when he's mad
Should I have learned by now
Some ask what's wrong with me
But if you watch you know
"Oh she's just being Carly!"

The next time we get hitched
I'm sure it will work out
They say fifth time's a charm
Whoa, whoa, I
I hope this time he aims for my arm

It's Like a Never Ending Quest to Be Worse Than Awful

There's a commercial for Chips Ahoy where a chocolate chip cookie sings "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" to a buxom claymation woman before being eaten by a human that disturbs me on a lot of different levels (why are commercials now stooping to sexualizing chocolate chip cookies? Why would you give your edible product a face and a skeevy personality if the goal is to get people to buy and eat said product? Can you get an STD just from listening to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"? What happened to this cookie and this woman in their respective childhoods that has led them to date outside their species). Like, to the point where I seriously can't watch it. I have no problem watching the creepy ads for The Strangers, but when that Chips Ahoy commercial comes on, I need to change the channel or watch with my hand covering my face.

Today, this commercial came on immediately before AMC and...I actually found myself wishing I could see the commercial again instead of the crap that passes for entertainment on All My Children.

Here's a smattering of what we had to put up with this week:

(1) Okay, technically this is from last week but like reader buddz pointed out, this high horse moment cannot go without a comment:

Tad: You knew, didn't you? You knew about Kendall and Aidan. I'm sorry. It took a lot of work, but Aidan finally told me the truth. He said you had promised never to tell anybody, but I guess you found out about it somehow, huh?

Kendall: Tad, we know that you're upset --

Zach: Let him talk.

Tad: Couldn't believe it. I could not believe it when he told me he was coming to Cambias to work for you. I said it was a mistake, but I guess I was right, because his first day, his first day, you send him on a suicide mission?

Kendall: No, that's not how it happened.

Tad: Oh, please. A man as powerful as Zach Slater finds out you slept with somebody. What do you think is going to happen? That's it? It's history? Well, I don't think--

Kendall: No, so would you stop it?

Tad: Congratulations, Zach. Congratulations, because if you wanted payback, you certainly got it.

Kendall: Look, Tad, I know that you're upset, and I'm so sorry. We're so sorry --

Tad: Spare me your sympathy, please. And I guess it works out nice for you, doesn't it? Because if Aidan is dead, then your betrayal dies with him, or is that the way it was supposed to turn out?

Kendall: No, I never wanted Aidan to get hurt

Tad: Excuse me. I've got to go tell my parents their son is dead

I...I just...I can see why Tad would be upset about Jake and Pine Valley's sexiest piece of driftwood being presumed dead. I can. The death of a sibling is always painful, and losing Aiden means that he's losing the person who always makes him look comparatively smart. So I sympathize. I just feel like there's a proper way to express your anger in a situation, perhaps by writing your thoughts in a letter and not sending it.

I don't think it's normal to self righteously explode at the person who (a)knows that you tortured and buried a man alive (b)stood on trial for a murder you committed (c)is better than you in every conceivable way. Tad really has no etiquette when it comes to dealing with the people he's wronged...

More (and spoilers!) after the jump...