1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare This a Dumbass Blog War
You know how there are soapy stories that, while imperfect in execution, sound decent in theory? (Like for example, the big Brady/DiMera arc on Days that kind of petered out last summer?) So that when it doesn't turn out well, you just kind of write it off as a risk that didn't pay off? As opposed to those that were so bad from conception onward that you'd consider submitting the storyline as evidence in a trial entitled Worst Ideas In the History of the Universe versus Innocent Soap Viewers? Yeah, so . . . guess which side of the fence this "Patrick and Robin, respected doctors and expectant parents, get into a pissing contest via video blog posts instead of actually having a relationship and demonstrating any emotional growth whatsoever" story falls on?
All I can say is that you all are very lucky that yesterday 1) news broke that George Clooney is once again single, and 2) during So You Think You Can Dance they showed a preview for Joshua Jackson's new fall show, confirming that I can legitimately allow my Pacey crush to continue unabated into my mid-30s. Because without the calming, life-affirming effect of those two events, this post would basically just be expletives and punctuation. (E.g., "Who the hell runs this sucktastic excuse for a soap effing opera and how hellishly bad to they have to fuck it up in order to get their burned-out asses fired?!?!?!?!?!") But like I said, none of that! George, Josh, and lots of alcohol have me prepared to tackle this storyline with minimal cursing and only appropriate usage of exclamation points.
So, I'm sure I don't need to catch any of our readers up on the broad strokes, but just in case: Dr. Patrick Drake is a neurosurgeon; he fixes broken brains for a living. It's way impressive. His hobbies include fearing commitment, bantering, befriending sleazy guys, being hot, resenting his father, flirting, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Robin Scorpio. Dr. Robin Scorpio is, well, she's a doctor who used to specialize in some kind of brain research, but now she's a combination of ER physician and neurosurgeon. Much like her alleged soulmate, she's way impressive too. Her hobbies include being adorable, missing her invisible father, tolerating her mother's wacky exploits, hanging out with her girlfriends, getting ill-advised haircuts, planning to store her baby in a closet, being brave, having chemistry with Jason that reminds me of a time when I used to love this show, and alternately adoring, fighting with, and making up with Dr. Patrick Drake.
Oh, and I probably should have mentioned that these two characters are involved in the first HIV-positive pregnancy storyline in the history of daytime and are played by actors that have insanely good chemistry and have handled everything they've tackled awesomely.
So if you're a writer on General Hospital, what do you do with these two great characters at this juncture of such a significant story? Well, after making them have the same argument (about commitment, in case you've been comatose) since 2006, you have them engage in a blog war. There was no error in that sentence -- A GODDAMNED BLOG WAR. Okay, that was a bit of profanity. George and Josh do not approve. Let's let this glorious story speak for itself:
Robin: How many hits have you gotten?
Patrick: I don't know how many hits I've gotten.
Robin: I bet you I got more.
Patrick: Robin, we're not going to do this. You don't look at my blog, I don't look at yours. We're not going to have a little competition about who has more hits. We're not going to do it.
Oh, Patrick. Promises, promises. But you were just about to get to the really hot and dramatic parts -- image hosting, bandwidth consumption, and comment moderation. Swoon!
Seriously, you guys, we are watching one of the best couples on this show argue about page loads. What the hell is happening?!
Even getting past the stupidity of the concept, I don't understand the substance of the blog-based bitching. For example, Patrick brought Robin a huge stuffed gorilla.
Now, I admit to being predisposed to think this was a bad idea, as I have a moral opposition to oversized stuffed animals. I associate them with county fairs and over-the-top high school declarations of love, neither of which I find appealing. Robin, though, does not have a rock where her heart should be, so she thought the stuffed gorilla was adorable and she and Patrick were all banter-y about it. Then she went home and did a video blog holding the gorilla, talking about how Patrick is being so "unreasonable and suffocating." What? No, seriously, did anyone follow that? Did I inadvertently fast-forward through a scene that made that whole thing make sense?
What intelligent professional woman starts a blog to bitch about the father of her baby-to-be, much less blogs via video so that everyone knows who she is? Secret identities are the backbone of the internet! And what guy reacts by going down to the local bar and having the owner pick up a camcorder so that he can start a revenge blog, to bitch about the mother of his future child and to generally make an ass out of himself by spouting off all kinds of caveman, "me work, hunt, gather -- you nag" nonsense? Is this storyline designed to make me dislike these characters? Because I got through Night Shift; I will overcome this too you crazy, chemistry-hating showrunners! Maybe. I don't know. I might not get past this one, y'all.
Beyond the writing, who thought it would be fun for the audience to watch people talking into a portable camera, as seen on laptop computers?
It's like watching some horrible reality show's audition tapes. (On which without any background, I would find Robin and Patrick both so annoying that I'd be rooting for them to get voted off the island or forced to eat bugs or marry a stripper or whatever.)
Apparently I'm supposed to put all this aside, though, because Robin and Patrick made up (who could have seen this coming?!).
Robin: Swear you won't look at it?
Patrick: I will if you will.
Robin: Pinky swear?
But I refuse, GH! I refuse to say that Patrick hotly pinky swore, or that these two actors could charm me even if they were wearing orange Crocs, cursing Sephora, and detailing the virtues of According to Jim. You will not break me.
I will close with this screencap because I like to think it's the exact expressions Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough had when they opened these scripts.
I feel you, guys.
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.