General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review: Stupidity Is the Only Winner
Do you sometimes wonder whether General Hospital is some kind of social experiment, in which we as viewers are being tested as to how much horribly crappy un-soapiness we can be subjected without going postal and storming the studio? It seems like a risky strategy, but it makes far more sense than the alternative possibility, which is that there are people putting this show on the air who actually think it's good. I've exhausted so many adjectives describing GH in recent years, but my thesaurus is now empty. I'm just exhausted by the stupidity.
I want to go rescue all the actors from this awful writing. We could have a giant happy hour with a drinking contest about who was subjected to the stupidest storyline: "I got shot in the uterus!" "I had to act like Sonny was still sexy!" "I had a blog war with my neurosurgeon boyfriend!" "I called sexual assault adultery!" "I had 27 different life stories and I still never asked who my father is!" "I was a wisecracking ghost in tracksuit!" "I had to pretend being married to Carly was a good thing!" "I had to act like Australian and British are the same!" "I was simultaneously a hitman AND the hero of the show!" "I miscarried a pillow!" "I was a tumor!" "I had to seem like I wasn't attracted to Lucky!"
Who would win?! Oh, dear readers, let's get real: This is General Hospital. There are no winners here.
The best thing to happen in weeks was a rerun yesterday because of Memorial Day, in that no new offensive or stupid material could be foisted on the viewing public. Happy holiday weekend, America.
My god, the saga of Michael and The Really, Really, Reeeaaaallly Long Goodbye just about did me in. There were some good performances, but I swear there were about eight consecutive episodes of people sitting by Michael's bedside, grieving him and cursing the mob. You'd think the latter point would perk me up, but 1) it is impossible to be perked up in the midst of a story about a 12-year-old in a permanent vegetative state after getting shot in the head, and 2) I know damned well there will be no long-term anti-mob consequences from all this, because I'm not new.
Anyway, Carly and Jason said goodbye to Michael.
Laura Wright and Steve Burton were really good in those scenes.
Bobbie said goodbye to Michael.
Jackie Zeman was good (if a bit immobile) in that scene.
Sonny said goodbye to Michael.
Maurice Benard was . . . there.
And after Carly and Sonny transported their adolescent son to a long-term care facility where he will spend the rest of his life (or the few months until he is miraculously cured and SORAS'd), they did what any two reasonable adults in horrible pain with loving significant others at home waiting for them would do.
I have to put this after the jump, you guys, because I wouldn't want some innocent 'net-surfing person to happen upon these photos without intending to land there. It's just not fair.
Anyway, yes, that's right, Carly and Sonny reacted by having The Most Awkward Limousine-Based Sex in the History of the World, and Yes, That Includes Every Prom Night and Academy Awards Ceremony Ever.
If you were fortunate enough not to see it in motion, please know that these screencaps cannot capture the awfulness of the scene. There was underwear removal, and zipper lowering. Seriously. I'm still trying to erase the images from my mind.
And I am not stupid, I know it was SUPPOSED to be awkward, that it was supposed to be two people just needing to feel anything other than grief, or whatever soap cliché the writers were relying on for Sonny and Carly's 157th reconciliation, but I don't care: It was ICKY. (I told you my thesaurus was empty. Soon I'll be reduced to internet speak: "DO NOT WANT!!1!11!!!")
And to make matters worse, Carly went from the icky limo sex with Sonny, to a shower, to sex with Jax.
I swear to you right now, if this is yet ANOTHER Who's the Daddy setup for Carly (let alone this show), I will go completely batshit crazy. My hate will not be contained. My insults and bitterness will be indiscriminate. Even more so than usual, I mean.
Anyway, Carly was apparently distraught by her evening of too much sex, but fortunately she has her true love Jason to console her.
What about me? I don't have a good-looking hitman on whose black-leather-ensconced shoulder I can snottily sob. I have to deal in solitary hell with a week of unsexiness rivaled in my soap-viewing experience only by the week on Days late last year that included the Belle/Phillip "fantasy" sequences, Belle and Shawn's cop/prisoner role-playing, and the Sami/Lucas AngryCouchSex.
I did rebound a bit when Jax split town immediately after hooking up with Carly, leaving only a quick note.
Don't worry about me. I need to go away and figure out what comes next. For me, and for us. I love you.
Okay, first of all, Jax didn't know about Carly and Sonny yet, so what is he talking about? That quick kiss with Kate?
That hardly seems worthy of high-tailing it to Rome to rendezvous with Brenda. (Not that I am not adamantly in favor of said rendezvous, or nearly apoplectic at even the hint that Vanessa Marcil might come back.)
Second of all, doesn't GH's writing team get months of notice about Ingo's routine long vacations? Is that really the best they could do for an exit? Skillful as always, scribes!
Also, while we're talking about Kate
Kate: Sonny can't bear to lose another child. I'm here to as you to drop your plans of taking Morgan away from his father.
1) What the HELL is she wearing?!
2) Do you know how horrible the writing on this show truly must be to make me side with effing Carly in an argument in which the other participant is a character who is a bitchy fashion-magazine editor played by the fabulous Megan Ward? New depths of horrible.
3) What the FUCK is she wearing?!
4) I know I predicted from the get-go that Kate would become a mob apologist, so why is it still so disheartening?
5) Seriously, what in the SAM HILL is that suit?!
Okay, at this rate Spencer is going to be driving by the fall.
Whatever, I am fine with this SORASing. As I've said before, the older Spencer gets, the longer Courtney has been dead. So woohoo, suddenly old and possibly Middle Eastern Spencer. Have fun at the prom!
Anthony: ...Claudia is too delicate a flower to involve herself in business matters.
So, even with a whole new generation of mobsters, and a new family on the canvas to allegedly shape things up a bit, still no move away from the terribly misogynistic dialogue and storylines on a show whose target audience is women, huh? Yay! I hate change.
But more importantly, while we're on the top of that delicate flower, can we discuss the INSANE sequence of events involving Claudia's stabbing? Cool.
1. Jerry stabs Claudia on the pier in Port Charles.
2. Claudia falls off the pier -- still in Port Charles.
3. Claudia FLOATS, unconscious, across the harbor to Spoon Island -- an island that from the horrible black and white ball fiasco we know is enormous enough to require a long trip on a power boat and far enough away that said boat can explode a mile offshore and not cause any damage to anytime on or near land.
4. Claudia somehow regains consciousness and climbs out of the harbor onto Spoon Island, where Nikolas happens to be taking a stroll (in a thunderstorm) and is therefore able to "rescue" her.
5. The brutal, full-force stabbing from professional criminal/killer Jerry Jax that caused Claudia to black out and remain that way for the time it took to drift for miles in the water ended up causing only a "flesh wound" that does not require stitches.
This show makes Saved by the Bell look like a master class in sophisticated storytelling by comparison.
Anyway, much to my dismay, something halfway decent did come out of this awful storyline, which is that it turns out that Tyler Christopher and Sarah Brown have great chemistry. Nikolas, who recently had major brain surgery and therefore has a large gauze pad taped to his . . . neck (this STUPID show), tending to Claudia and learning about her role in Michael's shooting turned out to be somewhat watchable.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that this is the first I've really enjoyed Sarah Brown since she's been back. She's downright charming when she's not putting on the Claudia the Ballbuster routine.
But as Mallory pointed out when we did that radio interview a while back, the shitty thing is that if Claudia and Nikolas get together, the Cassadines will get the shaft because the mob will win -- it always has to on this show -- and there is no way I can co-sign Helena Cassadine getting outwitted by the mafia that's eaten Port Charles. No. Nononono. I'm going to start a full-on cheerleading campaign for Nikolas and Elizabeth, or Nikolas and Maxie, just to avoid such a blood-pressure-raising outcome.
Aaaanyway, back to where I started out, how thoroughly disturbing was Jerry nonchalantly stabbing Claudia?
And how exponentially more disturbing was it that the writers thought we should almost immediately overlook that because Nancy Lee Grahn and Sebastian Roche have great chemistry?
Sorry, no. Even absent the brutal stabbing, the Memorial Day (!) rerun yesterday was the episode in which Jerry nonchalantly, without provocation of any kind, shot Robin (a stranger) to show his hostages that "[he] mean[t] business," so I'm not really on board with this unredeemed psychopath hooking up with one of this show's few remaining decent female characters. Call me crazy.
Do you think Nancy Lee Grahn sometimes looks back on those scripts full of witty banter between Mason and Julia and just openly weeps and/or creates voodoo dolls of her current employers? No? Just me then?
I sometimes find it difficult, amidst a sea of stupidity, to identify the single stupidest story on this show. But I'm pretty sure Johnny and Lulu's storyline -- whatever the hell it is right now -- is the current title-holder. They are faking not wanting to be together while sneaking around and actually both wanting to be together and being together, because his father is forcing her to pretend to want to be with him, but if his father finds out they actually want to be together and aren't just faking it, he will have Lucky killed and Luke sent to jail. What???
Also, on a related note, I'm sorry to say this because I otherwise like the actors, but Brandon Barash and Julie Marie Berman have whatever the polar opposite of romantic chemistry is. They appear to be physically repulsed by each other. Which is, I assume, not exactly what they're going for?
Max: You can't be serious.
Alexis: Oh, I'm not funny by nature. Joking is a stretch for me.
That line, and everyone in this scene, is too good for this stupid effing show.
Lucky: Did Lulu tell you about our mother?
Lulu: Yes I have.
Lucky: She was a lot like Lulu: Brave, smart, compassionate . . .
Oh, Lucky. How can you be so gorgeous and yet SO WRONG all at once?
But I can't hate Lucky, because Greg Vaughn is so very yummy. I was going to try to come up with a list of things that were more appealing than him interacting with children
but I realized there is nothing -- really, nothing on this show, on TV, in existence -- more appealing. It makes me want to put my ovaries to use for something other than the occasional excuse to be bitchy and eat chocolate.
Stuart Damon, what's your reaction to the fact that they have once again brought you back to be a sassy ghost in a tracksuit?
Yeah, me too.
Why, in such a terribly written, nonsensical storyline, must Steve Burton and Rebecca Herbst continue to taunt me with their irresistible chemistry?
It's unfair and is standing in the way of me hating everything to do with Jason. I even hate the impending Sonny/Jason split, and I usually love a soapy breakup!
Sonny: [Morgan] won't be a target if I leave the organization. I'm gonna get out. And I'm gonna stay out. And I'm gonna prove to you that I can keep Morgan safe.
To which Jason responded
"Holy shit, why didn't I think of that?!"
It's now completely evident that these writers don't even watch their own show, right? Haven't we spent the last year hearing about how Jason can't be a father to Jake because it is utterly impossible for him to leave the mob? But all it takes for Sonny is to have his lawyer draw up a contract (a legal contract, to transfer an illegal business, but whatevs, that's amateur-level stupidity by comparison) and bam, he's out?
Is this story supposed to make me feel for Jason, that now he is even more unable to leave the mafia and raise his kid because of his added responsibilities as The Guy Who Orders People Killed, in addition to his preexisting role as The Guy Who Kills People? Because . . . no. All it's going to do is convince me that Jason is a hired killer because that's what he wants to be. And since 98% of the town already knows he's Jake's father, becoming the big mob boss puts his kid even more in danger as a target, which we know from recent history means little Jake will probably take a bullet casing to the cranium before he learns to drive.
This show is fucked up to a degree I didn't even think was possible.
The best things to happen on this show over the last two weeks were Kirsten Storms' adorable new haircut
and her fabulous dress.
That's no exaggeration: the two best things. By a mile.
So, Patrick and Coleman stood around while Anna beat up those guys at Jake's, with Patrick in particular looking like a hapless doofus.
But yet somehow, that was not even close to the stupidest thing Patrick and Robin were involved with last week. Why? Because of the EFFING BLOG WAR. Yes, these two hyper-intelligent doctors -- one an actual brain surgeon! -- are involved in a web-based pissing contest that is just the newest geographical location of the same argument they have been having since 2006. That storyline is getting its own post because there are so many levels to the ridiculousness that I need time to construct a proper argument and further hone my criticism. By both of which I mean, "drink heavily."
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.