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« There Is No Soap God | Main | Um, The "Madness" Part is Right on the Money... »

May 08, 2008

I Don't Think These Words Mean What He Thinks They Mean

As is my wont, I've taken to doing all sorts of random things in an effort to avoid watching All My Children (this week: I've gone on a jaunt to HomeGoods to wander the aisles aimlessly; read the titles and episode descriptions of all of the ABC After School Specials--I think my favorite title might be "My Dad Can't Be Crazy...Can He?", although I also love "Just Tipsy, Honey"; rearranged my sandals; played Hearts; got annoyed when the computer beat me at Hearts) because watching AMC is painful to me on a spiritual level, and I think it also might be making me physically ill. I don't think it's allergies that are bothering me, I think it's a sickness stemming from repeated exposure to crap.

I can't even describe it. The last time I was asked about AMC, all I could say was "Ugh..vomit". Not "You know, it's pretty terrible" or "there are some bright spots, but overall the writing is poor". No. Just "Ugh...vomit".

Because there are no bright spots. I mean, of course, Jesse and Angie are fabulous and Yaya is surprisingly good (or at least not overtly terrible...it's entirely possible that this show has set the bar so low that I just think she's good in comparison to others) and I love Zach and Kendall to death in ways that probably push me over the edge into crazytown, but this week alone, I've had to sit through (1)Kendall giddily spending time with KRYSTAL, of all people, while Greenlee and Angie tried on wedding gowns in something that seemed to be a low-budget music video rather than a montage. Remember when Kendall used to hold a grudge so intensely that it was a little bit scary and you were worried that if she wasn't fictional and you happened to meet her and cross her that she'd shank you first and ask questions later? I miss that Kendall. She didn't even try to poison Krystal once during the course of the afternoon! (2) Zach and Greenlee having some sort of crazy bond because of their time spent locked in a bunker together, a bond so amazing that it actually led Zach Slater, who I previously thought was the only rational person in this town, to say the words "Greenlee's what matters. I lost sight of that", like, what the holy hell?! That's not cute, that's not funny, that is just a metric ton of WTF.

So if AMC can ruin things near and dear to my heart, it's obvious that they can wreak havoc with things that are terrible, like Tad's search for Kathy. This? Is why I can't keep food down when I watch this show!

Hazel: And I wish you luck, but there is nothing I can do. That past died with Dr. Madden [who died, remember, after Tad buried him alive and tortured him for weeks--ed.]. I have gotten on with my life.

Tad: Well, I haven't. I can't [lying liar who lies--ed.]. Because my little girl, my Kate, is still out there somewhere.

Hazel: And there's nothing I can do about it.

Tad: I don't believe that, or I wouldn't be here. Hazel, I'm begging you. By now, Kate's nearly six years old. I've been looking for her the entire time [BLATANT EFFING LIE--ed.]. Six years old. I've never seen her, I've never held her, I've never told her I love her. And she's been with me the entire time, because not a day goes by, not an hour, when I don't think about her. You want to talk about loving somebody? My wife used to buy Christmas presents, birthday presents, in hopes of one day we'd be able to give them to her ["But she never thought to, like, google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate. Weird"]. And now Dixie's never going to get that chance, because she passed away about a year and a half ago.

Hazel: I am sorry.

Tad: But when she died, I held her in my arms, and I told her, I promised her, how I'd find our daughter and I would bring her home. And that's exactly what I intend to do. Your old boss has made that very difficult. I am nowhere without you. I'll do anything. Just help me find her. You are the only person on this earth who could give my wife a little peace.

Because, see, no. None of that ever happened, no matter how heartfelt and self righteous Tad is when he talks about his long hard life. The way I remember things going down, Dixie didn't think to Google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate and traveled around Europe instead of asking Tad the PI for help, then Tad killed a man to get information on his daughter before allowing Dixie to stand trial for murder, then upon Dixie's death was like "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again" before promptly forgetting about this search for his child in favor of blackmailing Krystal into marriage and obsessing over every move Adam Chandler makes. I mean, it's possible, I guess, that I've been watching an ENTIRELY different All My Children, but I like to think that if I were going to hallucinate an entire television program that I'd at least hallucinate something high quality.

Comments

There were actually some great moments last week on AMC. I thought the Aidan/Greenlee scenes were fabulous. These two are really connecting right before the big blow up. Also - hate the characters all you want but Adam/Tad had me rolling on the floor with the paper eating. I love these actors together - they might have the best chemistry ever. I like Kendall (and Zen) but I think I'm one of the few that likes Greenlee as well. I am furious with Kendall however, she needs to open her mouth and tell Aidan Zach knows about the ONS. I can not believe she is keeping that to herself. History on soaps is nothing but a constant rewrite - so whatever. I draw my line in the sand with a Rylee reunion - that simply can not happen. Not only do I love Ailee, but that shit was plain toxic and should never be repeated. Finally, Krystal needs a good support bra.

You are now second only to God . What you wrote is what I felt when I finally stopped watching over a year ago -- the death of Dixie who had to share her funeral with an UNDEAD BABE; Bianca becoming buds with Babe; Krystal shacking up with Tad cuz he was sad -- these are the reasons. The writers were trying so hard to make Babe and Krystal "good" that they had to totally lobotomize my favorite characters. Bah -- rivalries like the one between Kendall and Babe made me giddy. I am so glad I no longer watch. My deepest sympathies to you for having to continue to watch. I started with AMC on day one. It was like a death to me to give it up. RIP, AMC.

Today was supposed to be a fun relaxing day for me. After a grueling work schedule these last few months and way too much family drama I finally had a light frilly day to enjoy.

Delicious breakfast at a great restaurant with my best friend. Lots of gossip and catching up over omlettes and fresh squeezed juice.

Followed by a mani pedi and a fab oxygen facial at a top day spa. Ahhhhh.

Finished off by a quick lap around the first floor at Neiman Marcus where I joyfully near orgasmically power shopped and picked up a bag (Marc Jacobs) two pairs of intense shoes (the big MB -AMEN- and an adorable pair of Burberyy flats) and then way too much yummy from Kiehl's, Chanel, Bobbi Brown cosmetics.

I settled in at home on my favorite chaise surrounded by my purchases to relive the whole shopping escapade and then made a huge mistake that nearly ruined my amazing day.

I turned on ABC Daytime, thinking as background noise it might be fun or entertaining. DUMB MOVE.

Warren Buffet talking to freakin' Opal? Huh? WTF? Why? How? Ewwwww.

Then before I could say billionaire philanthropist Dairy Queen lover OLTL began.

SNOOP DOGG? Huh? WTF? Why? How? Ewww. Maybe in one of stoner Spinelli's fantasy sequences, but even then it wold have been a stretch IMO.

So who was going to be GH's bizarre celeb cameo? I shuddered at the thought and clutched my new shoes to my chest for protection. Thankfully no cameos.

But seeing Morgan try to shake awake his comatose big brother, it's too sad to make fun of. So I hate GH for this whole sick mess. And I hate them even more for making me worry on top of everything else that Regis Philbin or some other wackadoo celeb was going to "pop in" to make an appearance.

Frons & Co. took the buzz of my day big time. Why do they ruin everything and lie so much? It is NOT helping ratings so why? I hate how they make shit up, rewrite history, and destroy well known characters. Tad, another vet ruined beyond recognition.

Sorry for the long post here. But my own Sonnylike "DUH" face isn't screencapable to show you my pain, exhaustion, and confusion.

So what you're saying is I should take up watching AMC right away. Gotcha. ;)

Thank you! It's so nice to see that I and other message board people are not alone in thinking Tad is being completely ruined by this story. In fact, as sad as it makes me, I can't stand watching him and his hypocrisy anymore, so I've taken to FFing him, especially in his recently picked up search for Kate. So, I had no idea what he actually said to Hazel, and after reading, I'm glad I didn't watch it myself. If I did, I would have gone into a rage blackout and probably ended up in jail.

But again, thank you for pointing out how incredibly stupid these writers are for trying to make us believe any of this stuff.

Just so much WORD to every effing thing you said.

I really wish I could break this sick cycle, if it wasn't for my uncontrollable Zach and Kendall addiction I'd be done.
It's gotten to the point where it's hard to even have this show playing in the background.

ITA. I watch AMC and I feel like I am slipping into the insanity that has Annie Wilkes in "Misery" screaming at James Caan's Paul Sheldon!! I hate to be told that they did something when they could show it to me. Tad has become a liar's liar. He says whatever it is to get what he wants no matter the truth. I don't believe he's been all that concerned about Kate because he's spent the last few years beating up on Adam when Adam is just as happy to ignore him. Loved your commentary. I have a hard time watching live now becaues I want check out the boards and see how annoyed I will be before I watch.

Warning to Mallory and other nauseous, regurgitative readers, there were yet more UGH-VOMIT moments on Friday's show. Tad, rising up to his full self-righteous height while sitting astraddle his extremely high horse, which was perched upon a scaffolding, situated on top of a 42-story parking garage in the Himalaya Mountains . . . ripped Zach a new one for sending Aidan on a suicide mission to Darfur. His sanctimonious anger was enough to make every single viewer upchuck their grilled cheese.

PS: Aidan was okay. Now, will Tad apologize? Stay tuned. (And keep a puke bucket handy!)

AMEN! Preach it Sista! It's just too bad that the ones who matter are not listening! They have to be watching a diff AMC than we are. They are certifiably delusional at best. I have to say that as much as I love my Zach & Kendall & God knows that's immeasurable, I cannot stomach the BFF crap with Zach & Greenlee that you so aptly described, nor the Kenlee lunacy!! There's no way in hell Zach Slater would be all chummy like this with the woman who nearly killed both of his children & for him to make that remark is unfathomable! And Kenlee just makes me ILL! Greenlee needs to go back home now with her pole between her legs! IMO, she is ruining this show! And don't even get me started on Puff Taddy, the self-righteous, sanctimonious fool, for the things he said to Zach last wk! Ye Gads! I was blown away by the pompous BS he was spewing & here he owes Zach his very life for taking the Madden rap for him. And they wonder why the ratings are tanking?? Sorry but even the Hubbards (who I didn't see & don't know) cannot save this mess.

Angie, I agree with your post 100%. Zach and Kendall are the only ones worth watching and Greenlee needs to leave.

As far as Kendall telling Aidan -- Zach said it was just between the two of them. She is listening to her husband, like she should.

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